Tag Archives: reflections

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From Student Anxiety to Professional Lessons: Embracing Change

It’s been a busy few days with the typical ups and downs of life. My social media account has been reminding me of how busy I was as a college student. I was SO nervous that I would get bad grades that I worked and studied like a crazy person (literally). While others went out and partied, I was in my room anxiously studying and hoping I’d be able to retain the information for the test. I started out majoring in biology but quickly realized that my science-less high school experience had not adequately prepared me for college. So, I went the path of the social sciences. Was I a giver upper?

Fast forward a few years later. I’m at the ripe old age of 22 and my workaholic self is anxiously searching for another pursuit so I decided to get a doctorate. I’m still on the fence as to whether it was worth it or not but at least I finished. I remember making the decision about whether I wanted to move again to go to school or if it was better to stay in the same place. I made my decision and chose against the process of getting an acceptance and a teaching assistant job in a (hopefully) good state school. It was a hard choice but I wanted to continue to get the hours I needed for my professional license. But was I a giver upper?

It’s interesting how there aren’t any do-overs in life. We all know stories of people who had a lot of potential but made poor choices and had unfavorable outcomes. Did these people give up on their dreams? Probably not; it’s just that other things interfered with the journey. I think giving up can be more of a state of mind than an action. It can be a philosophy that guides our decisions in a way that could be hindering to us. It’s the difference between do-ing and be-ing.

More recently, I changed career paths to see if there was a better work life balance available. However, the reality of it has not been as expected. I think there are just some things in life that we learn as we live. And while mistakes can be expensive, the lessons that you take from them can be priceless. Hopefully.

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You should watch Black Cake

There’s nothing like a good series and Black Cake definitely fit the bill. I had heard good things about the show but I decided to wait until the hype and spoilers went down a bit. I was hooked from the first episode. First off, I didn’t read the book so I didn’t have any reference point for the plot. I came to it completely unaware of what exactly to expect and I was in for a treat. I won’t share too much, but if you don’t want any spoilers, this may not be the right place for you.

It’s rare to see shows that follow a person through their entire life. However, the show begins at the end of a woman’s life and then goes backwards. But it all begins with a secret that begins to take a life of its own as the series continues. It’s a story of resiliency and also regret because hindsight is 20/20. We follow a young girl through a series of unfortunate events and relocation to another country. She has to create a new life and eventually reconnects to a part of her past that integrates with her new identity. 

One underlying theme in the series is the importance of family and also friends who become family. Eleanor’s children are quickly thrust into the reality of the fact that their mother is different from who they’ve known her to be. They hear in her own words the story of her past as they deal with complicated grief and the arrival of a relative they didn’t know existed. The theme of the show is that secrets can do more harm than good. Shielding someone from the truth is only beneficial in specific situations.

The show was unpredictable and it held my attention. The storyline was unique and I thought the acting was good. The best thing about the series as a whole was that there was a happy ending. It’s one of those things that you don’t know you need until you have it. The series finale was satisfying and provided some closure to the questions that emerged in previous episodes. So, if you’re looking for a fulfilling one season show with a nice ending, check out Black Cake.

CHECK OUT THE BOOK

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Getting away for a while

Vacation stuff

I used to be a serial vacation goer. Every few weeks I would make it a point to go somewhere or anywhere new. A lot of money was spent in those endeavors. I’m not independently wealthy but I always saw the value in getting away and having a change of scenery for a bit. This past week was a flashback of my previous life when I had the opportunity to get away for a bit. The get away part was further compounded by being locked out of my work email so it ended up being a forced break of sorts. But I wasn’t too upset—although I’m dreading the make up work that awaits me when I get back. Getting away makes you think about your life differently and I can honestly say that I don’t think vacations are bad things. I’m currently tasked with a new challenge of balancing a lot of different priorities in the new year and this reset of sorts has definitely been needed. When you’re so busy living, it’s easy to forget about the importance of making a life. For me, vacationing is a missing piece of the equation. You may wonder if you can afford it but sometimes you can’t afford not to go. The amount of creativity and ingenuity that emerges from a new environment is unparalleled. It’s also worth it to have something to look forward to. So in these last few brief moments before the chaos rears it’s ugly head again, I’m taking a moment to breathe in the peace and tranquility that comes from taking an intentional break and I’m setting the intention of doing this again sometime mid-next year. Or maybe sooner.

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On the move

As I’ve mentioned numerous times, travel has been a significant part of my life for the past 7 years or so. Due to circumstances, my travels have been limited lately but they’ve been more meaningful. However, the great thing is that there’s plenty of places to see and hopefully I’ll get an international trip on the books in the next six to eight months. Needless to say, Texas is like another country. I love the vibe, dislike the highways, and appreciate the weather. It was fun seeing new things and enjoying a comedy show.

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Making progress

Making a lifestyle change is hard and there can be so many barriers and challenges with remaining consistent. Last summer I was challenged to change my mindset and lose the weight I had been procrastinating on addressing. Everyone has different levels of comfort with their body image and their weight but I knew that it was time for things to change. While you can be happy, self accepting, have high self esteem and be overweight, I knew that it wasn’t working for me. I was tired of taking long airplane rides to other countries and being unable to comfortably fit into the seat while being ashamed to ask for a seat belt extender. It just wasn’t what I wanted. I was over my clothes not fitting right and only being able to wear certain select items in my closet because I had “outgrown” the majority of what I had available but didn’t want to spend more money to buy more clothes. I believe in radical self acceptance but I also believe in changing your lifestyle and being healthy if that’s a goal you have for yourself. It was a long, long road that still continues but I’ve made progress. I started with a personal trainer (aka my boyfriend), made the decision to no longer be vegetarian, I got off medication (after consulting with a doctor), started weight training, and changed my diet drastically. It wasn’t an overnight change and it didn’t happen as soon as I would have liked but I lost 45lbs and I’m still working towards my goal. Last week was the first time I could pick things from my closet to wear that I haven’t been able to fit in over 5 years. It was an amazing feeling and having a supportive partner has been great. I still have some progress to make but it’s nice to finally comfortably sit in an airplane seat without being black and blue from the armrest digging into my thigh. I’m determined to remain consistent and to continue to make progress. After all, it’s a marathon and not a sprint.

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A long week

This week has been a long one for a lot of people. There’s panic, uncertainty, increased stress and a lot of people worried. There’s countless lives around the globe that have been impacted in some way. Some see this as an opportunity to take a break from a crazy schedules while others are feeling overwhelmed as they are tasked with finding childcare and entertaining their children in the middle of the school year.  There’s isn’t an easy answer or solution to anything. The only thing that has been constant has been the rapid changes that have happened with the passing of each day. People are having to make adjustments in ways that they never planned to before. It’s a great time to be compassionate and show some kindness.

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2019 Reflections

This past decade and this past year has definitely been one of changes. I started out the decade as a junior in college. I was recovering from a major heartbreak with someone who I thought that I had a future with. I was so excited to finally have someone in my life and it ended quite abruptly. I focused on school and had a great senior year that also had some lows with the deaths of several of my classmates. I was so excited to be at the end of my college journey. While it was a great one, I knew that my education had to continue and as I spoke to my family and friends at my graduation dinner I remember telling them that one year later I would be finishing graduate school and it happened. I moved across the country to a place where I did not know a soul. It was just me and my dog. I met some great people and had a lot of my beliefs challenged for the first time. Graduate school finished and the job search started. It was a really rough time. I applied for hundreds of jobs and while I found a few, they weren’t exactly what I was looking for. I decided that I was bored after graduate school so I made the somewhat impulsive decision to start a doctorate while I was stuck in Colorado getting hours for my professional license. So the doctorate started and I kept working. I quit several jobs that just weren’t a good fit for me and I eventually started working a night shift job. While the money was great, I quickly realized that the no sleep life was not the life for me. However, due to a series of unplanned events I found myself resigning rather quickly and relocating back across the country where I found myself in limbo as I tried to find a new job, settle into a new apartment and remain independent. But I persisted and got a cubicle job that paid the bills for a while. I decided that I wanted to make traveling a priority and I wanted to find a job that allowed me to do both while still using my degree. I found the dream job and quit my cubicle job the same day and relocated from Georgia to California within a week. After a few years on the road and moving several places I realized that it was time to settle down. The beginning of this year found me back in my home state with a resolution to stick close to home for a while. After traveling to Italy and Portugal I decided that I wasn’t quite done with being on the road so I decided to spend the summer on the East Coast. I decided during the summer that I wanted to settle outside of my home state and due to a series of fortunate events I moved across the country again and got a great boyfriend along the way. While I don’t know what this next year will bring, I’m excited for the opportunity to focus on personal development and fulfill some of my personal goals in this next decade.

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The hill you want to die on

I can appreciate constructive criticism. It’s one of those things that can be difficult to hear but also very necessary. I don’t always want to be told what I’m doing wrong but I know that I want to improve so sometimes correction has to happen. I recently had a conversation that triggered a paradigm shift for me. It was an extremely rare occurrence but I have continued to feel the ripple effect of what I learned. Life is rarely fair–even though we want it to be. My dating life (or lack thereof) is proof of that fact. It’s interesting how often I’ve been told to keep my standards high and that settling will end in pain and heartbreak. Standards give us a way to quickly eliminate possible options because we think/know that it would never make us happy. However, there are plenty of women holding out for a significant other because they have yet to meet one that meets their standards. They are well rounded, intelligent and have it together. And yet they crawl into bed every night alone with their standards intact. Standards aren’t the best to cuddle with. Let’s be honest. There has to be a way to circumvent this unfortunate circumstance in my life before it continues on for another decade. Enter my recent conversation where I was told point blank that I needed to change. That I had to do something that put me ahead of everyone else because personality wasn’t enough. And the truth is that it’s not really fair, however, it’s reality right now. There’s a proverbial fork in the road. I can (figuratively) die on the hill of my standards or I can make some changes and adjust my mindset. Either way is hard but only one option gives a legitimate possibility of getting what I want. So it’s time to make some changes.

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Looking ahead to the future

I ran across an article recently and it described many of my thoughts and feelings as I reflect on my life and the past few years specifically. Life can be challenging for empaths and feeling your own emotions plus the emotions of others can be taxing and difficult. On the professional front it took me years to be able to sleep without staying up and worrying about the problems that my clients had. There aren’t many things I read where I find myself agreeing with almost everything the author states and I have to admit that this author shared a fear that I have as well. And maybe fear is the wrong word because it’s not a perception and there is a good chance that it might happen. You can read the article here. There’s a huge opportunity for growth when we are willing to be honest with ourselves and face our fears head on despite not always feeling adequate to do so. It’s not a quick thing but I think that the results are worth the self-work and intentionality that are required.