Lately I have been watching a show called 90 Day Fiancé. It has been so interesting to watch the relational ramifications of a cross continental move where one person has to adjust to a new country, a new person and a new culture. One thing that strikes me is that there is usually a pretty significant age gap between the engaged couple. The show documents the 90 day period before the couple either gets married or one returns back to their country. Another thing that strikes me is the fact that these couples don’t really know each other. They don’t have the history together that would lend itself to an intimate understanding of the other person. Because of this there are a lot of disagreements and conflict as they seek to navigate a life together. The family and friend relationships play a huge role in the couple’s life and understandably so. However, there is usually always some tension as family members adjust to the new person and the relationship. The show is eye opening and also somewhat addictive because there are so many emotions and feelings involved and you can watch the ups and downs of how the couples manage their relationship.
As this year of my life starts to come to a close I realize that there’s a lot that I want to do. While I have definitely had some milestones this year that included finishing my PhD, I’m not satisfied yet. Working in a hospital again has reminded me of how short life really is. I’ve had numerous patients who have passed away without any warning. I’ve had a lot of major changes that were unexpected but I also got hired on to my dream job (at least past time). So far I’ve gotten the opportunity to travel a little bit and I’ve visited 8 countries. I’m hoping to develop a good work life balance in the coming year and maybe flex my entrepreneurial muscles just a bit. The whole dating thing has absolutely been a bust so far so I figure I’ll just set goals around what I can control. Here’s to bigger and better things.
At the end of September after a long hiatus I started traveling a bit more again. Anyone who knows me well knows that I absolutely love to get away from the mundane and have an adventure. I have a pretty good mix of domestic and international travel planned that includes a birthday trip for the first time in my life. The majority of these trips are solo and it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I’ve learned a lot this year and have decided that being alone is definitely preferable to being in a toxic situation. I’m wrapping up my 3rd trip in less than a month and I still have 4 more to go before the end of the year. I’m going to try to squeeze in a 5th. But I’m working towards creating a life that I don’t need a vacation from and I’m closer than I was at the beginning of this year.
Part of the nature of my job is that I completely change places every few month but it also means that I tend to move quite frequently. Recently, I went through yet another move due to the lease ending on my apartment and it has been more of an adjustment than usual. I try not to do it, but I think that I got emotionally attached to my old place. There were so many good memories but also countless tears cried as I tried to figure out my life and navigate the ever confusing world of dating. My apartment became the place I could go when I had a long day at work and just wanted to sleep when I got home. It was the apartment I went back to after graduating with my PhD and where I celebrated getting a faculty job at my alma mater. It was also the space where I dealt with some of the stress going on in my life and started to meditate in order to sleep more deeply at night. It was the space where I got to spend some quality time with someone who meant a lot to me and where we had some amazing conversations about everything under the sun. I inwardly groaned each time that I walked up all those steps to the third floor but I was secretly glad that at least I got some cardio from merely going home. It was the place where I got a second job offer and completed a total of over six weeks of training. It was my space. And for some reason, losing it has been really challenging. So many times people talk about having something or someone that grounds them and losing my space was a big reminder that I need to be deliberate in doing that for myself. The downside of traveling all the time is that there really isn’t a space to call home and that can make it challenging to really build meaningful connections with others. It’s not impossible but definitely challenging when you’re a homebody. I love to travel and by love, I mean LOVE. But there’s something to be said about having a home to go to after you’re done with traveling. So as I type from my new temporary place, I’m reminded of the fact once again that I think I’m gonna need to settle down soon. Stability is good for the soul. I think.
I had a memory that popped up in my timeline of a post that I made about four years ago. It was about making your own opportunity. This week I got an unexpected email inviting me to teach an additional graduate class. I was honestly torn because it was a huge time commitment and I have multiple trips planned in that same time frame. I love the opportunity to stretch myself as a teacher but I knew that it just wasn’t a good time for me. I declined the offer. As I typed out my polite “no” I was reminded of the fact that I’ve become more comfortable with leaving things that aren’t healthy for me or will conflict with my self care regimen. It still was hard because I’m not a fan of saying no to money. However I knew that it was the right decision for me. The next day I got the job offer I’ve been waiting on for weeks. It’s the stepping stone to my dream job and it was more in line with what I wanted to do. I’ve worked so hard to be a bit more untethered and it’s great to see a small return on dozens of applications.
I have to thank my sister for introducing me to the music of Daniel Caesar. His style is so unique and the music leaves you feeling like you’ve had a spiritual experience. I have always been a fan of good music and this particular song is just so full of emotion while still retaining the soul of a timeless classic. The hopeless romantic in me is happy when I hear this song. I have listened to it on repeat for the past few months. The acoustic version is amazing and I love hearing all the voices without the bells and whistles of the recording. Definitely a classic. You can listen to it here.
Lately I’ve started to watch a new show that has both intrigued me while simultaneously horrifying me. Usually I try to watch light hearted tv shows because my empath sense is very strong and I work in a helping field. The show that I’ve been watching is called Handmaids and it’s on Hulu. One thing I will say is that it’s definitely not a comedy but if you want a thought provoking and extreme view of what might be the future then it’s a must see. But that’s not what this post is about. One of the main characters said, “you like because, you love despite.” And honestly that’s the truth. I work with couples who have lost so much of their original passion and excitement for each other because things have become so mundane. They’ve taken each other for granted and it has taken a terrible toll on the relationship. The emotional connection is very strained or sometimes nonexistent. I think many times people think that therapy fixes everything but it doesn’t. The truth is that therapy can give you the tools that you need to be successful in your relationship. It takes a lot of effort and intentionality to change the trajectory of a relationship but it definitely can be done if both people want it and are willing to work on it. One person cannot sustainably carry the whole relationship on their back. It can happen for a while but there are always consequences. One thing I really enjoy doing with the couples I work with is doing exercises that help them remember why they fell in like with each other and what made them love the other person. It’s always eye opening and helps to start the process of reconnecting with each other.