I love the practicality of this article. It’s something that you’ll probably experience at some point if you’re human. The truth is that we can’t love anyone into loving us and accepting that is paramount to moving on. I personally have my own strategy for getting over people that I found works well because constant rejection tends to wear on you after a while. I think that it’s important to realize that life still goes on regardless of who loves you or not. It also doesn’t hurt that I’m also cited in it.
I admit that I struggle with the general idea that one has to “qualify” in order to get married. There’s this list of things that single women are given and expected to accomplish before they are ready to get married. We tell our girls that boys will always be there and to get their education first. You’re expected to work on yourself, do fun things, finish school, pay off debt, and get a decent job among other things before you qualify for marriage. Now granted, my story is different in that while I’ve always wanted to get married, I had a feeling that I would be on the road less traveled for a long time. I just didn’t anticipate how long it would be. I was hoping for 25 but now I’m pushing 30 without any actual potential mate on the horizon. I find it frustrating when I’m told that there’s something that I’m doing wrong or just haven’t done yet that makes me unqualified to be married. I see people all day, I’m a good listener, I can hold an emotionally safe place and challenge the perspectives of others in a way that is non-threatening and supportive. I’m the sole provider of my household of one and while I’m not rich, bills do get paid and I travel once in a while. I recently completed the highest educational level one can achieve (PhD) and yet the Universe still apparently sees me as unqualified for a mate. I’m all about doing the work but shit, being alone gets old after a while. I’ve learned how to self soothe and what to do to calm myself down but there are times that I’d sell my soul for a hug and the knowledge that someone has my back. Yes, I’m approached by guys but so far they aren’t ready for anything serious or want me to finance their lives and take care of them. Neither is an option I want to live with. It sounds corny but I want to matter to someone. Really matter. I haven’t found that yet and the older I get the less optimistic I am. It’s just exhausting and tiring doing it alone all the time and while I’ll always do what I have to do, I wish things were different.
I rarely post pictures, but this is one that caught my attention. While I think it’s wrong to generalize an entire population, I’ve noticed some truth to it in my own personal experiences and interactions with guys.
One thing that I often encourage my clients to do is to get outside of their comfort zone once in a while. This often takes the form of encouraging them to travel somewhere. That’s why I really liked this article about traveling that’s written by a therapist. You can read it here. There’s nothing like doing something while going out your comfort zone. There’s the opportunity for learning more about yourself and the world around you when you go somewhere. You have the chance to experience a new culture and navigate in an unfamiliar environment where you don’t necessarily have the backup of friends and family. Solo travel can be daunting but that’s the fun part about working through your reluctance. The more you learn, the more you realize what you don’t know. But it’s all about taking the first step and doing it–because let’s be honest, sometimes you just have to do things while scared because it’s something your future self will thank you for.
One thing that really grinds my gears is the growing amount of relationship “experts” who seem to be preying on single women. Every book, podcast, or post is about how to become dateable, how to be happy while single, what’s wrong with you, how to get a man, etc. While I’m not against learning and becoming more self aware, I think that at some point it’s just overkill. I mean let’s be honest, dating pretty much sucks anyway you look at it. In addition to not appearing desperate, you’re also up against the general non-committal vibe that is characteristic of a lot of millennials and the culture. Nobody wants to be totally honest and starter marriages abound with a lot of people getting it right on the second or third try. Online dating can be a hit or miss (oftentimes a miss) but it can take away from building a relationship the old fashioned way (face to face). We are constantly given information on what we need to do to get what we want out of life. But the truth is that at the end of the day it comes down to a personal choice to do something different than you’ve done in the past. It’s truly a mess out there and the so called experts don’t make it any easier with their conflicting advice and “tried and true” formulas for getting a significant other.
A friend shared this with me and I found it to be so inspiring as we start this new year.
“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can.
…that you’ll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return.
And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.”
– Neil Gaiman