Monthly Archives: February 2013

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Beating the Odds

One of the things that occurred to me today was the fact that I like situations where the odds are stacked against me. Even when I watch sports (which rarely happens) I always find myself cheering for the underdog. There’s just something about winning and succeeding when the odds are against you. I can’t say that I grew up in an environment where the odds were against me. Although being homeschooled until college put me in a position where I felt that I had to succeed and that the odds were against me. I have never been in a traditional educational environment before and it was all new to me. I worked hard and was able to finish college AND graduate school in four and a half years. The odds were definitely against me in that situation. I remember hearing a quote that basically said that no one remembers “try-ers” they remember winners. The more the odds are stacked against me, the more motivated I am to beat them. I get creative looking for solutions that will put me in a good position. I become extra deliberate in making sure that everything is in place and that all my actions have a purpose. I focus my energies on one thing and also constantly re-evaluate my strategy and my approach. Beating the odds requires guts. One of my favorite sayings is “epic dreams require epic sacrifices.” The truth is that if I’m really serious about what I want, I’ll take the necessary steps to get it. I’ll focus my time and energy in achieving what I want. Beating the odds takes both motivation and dedication to the process of doing what is required to succeed. Yes, it’s often uncomfortable and pretty inconvenient but at the end of the day, I plan to beat the odds. And I will. Period.

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The Friend Dilemma

One of the very first things that couples often say or even promise to each other after a breakup is that they’ll stay friends. They swear up and down that this little “hiccup” in their romantic relationship will not affect their friendship. I think that this “staying friends” idea is just a way for both parties to feel better about the breakup. I don’t think that it’s possible for couples to be friends right after they break up. There’s too much history. Emotions are raw. The reality that they’re not together any more hasn’t even settled in yet. There needs to be a clean break that allows both people to heal and to regroup. I think that ex-couples can be friends after they both have gotten over the break up. It’s easy to claim to be friends when on ex-partner wants to resume the relationships and uses the “just friends” story in order to make a demand on the other ex-partner’s attention and time. All this could be easily avoided if both individuals took the time to honestly evaluate their feelings and to regroup. There’s no need to be friends right after a breakup. It doesn’t serve a purpose and (in my opinion) is just plain dumb. Thoughts?

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Potential Patrol

I love potential. I admit it. Not necessarily potential in myself, but potential in other people. I think of potential and ambition as somewhat linked together. I can see all the potential in the world in someone but if they don’t have ambition, they are just a waste of potential. No one reaches their potential accidentally. It takes planning and a desire to do something worthwhile. I remember when I was about 10 or 11, I decided that I would do something productive with my life. While I don’t know if I’ll ever “arrive” and proclaim that I’ve reached my potential, I do know that I’ll be able to honestly say that I tried. As much as I like potential, I don’t think that it should form the basis of any type of relationship. People rarely change and when they do, it’s their decision. Being in a relationships with someone thinking that you’ll inspire them to do better and to reach their potential is stupid. Plain and simple. You want to be with someone who has shown some kind of progress toward fulfilling their potential. No, they don’t have to have fulfilled it yet, but actually knowing about it is a good first step. I think that women are notorious for making huge investments in a potential partner because they see potential. However, they quickly are disappointed because potential does not equal ambition. Why not avoid the disappointment and be with someone who has actually made an effort to fulfill their potential? Chances are, you’ll be happier with that decision.  Everyone has potential. Few have ambition.

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Anger-ology

As I’ve mentioned before, one thing I’m working on in myself is being more aware of my emotions. This weekend found me rather angry over situations that had occurred in the past week. As a therapist, I’ve often noticed that feelings of anger are often products of other emotions. Anger is a emotion  used sometimes when we have a hard time verbalizing our primary emotions. I’ve noticed with my couples that feelings of hurt often disguise themselves as anger. It’s easy to blame the other person or to say or do something out of anger instead of saying that you have been hurt. But anger can also be motivation to get out of your current situation. I’m working on dealing with anger in a way that is both healthy and productive and I’ve found that the gym can be an excellent place for that. Next time you feel some angry, take the time to dig deeper and identify two underlying emotions that might be causing it. You’ll raise your self-awareness and learn more about your thought processes. 
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V for Victory

So I made it though the day without any random rages or unexpected tears. I kept my composure and held it together. Cut down on my social media usage so I didn’t bombard myself with things that are in no way related to my present reality. I can honestly say that I’ve had some pretty emotionally (self-inflicted) v-day wounds but I think today was only indicative of a much less painful scratch. I’m in the process of intentionally identifying what I’m feeling because I want my clients to do the same. However, I noticed that today (more like yesterday), I intentionally did not think about how I was feeling. It is definitely a lot easier to talk about something than to actually do it.  I must admit that reading the Facebook statuses of single women provided some humor to my day. It even went as extreme as someone posting that they bought themselves a their own diamond celibacy ring. That’s intense. I don’t think I’ll ever get to that point but its nice to know that somebody’s already there. The day has passed. I set a personal record on being ok and not totally freaking out. That’s big. 
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My Pre-Valentine’s/Single Awareness Day thoughts

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It’s that time of the year again. A lot of people are nervous because they aren’t sure if they’ll be on the receiving end of a day set apart to express love. Millions of singles are now contemplating why they are single AGAIN this year. What they did wrong, and what they are going to do to avoid getting sucked into the “woe is me because I’m alone on V-day” annual party in their brain. Other take to social media sites proclaiming that they don’t care what day it is because Jesus loves them and they’re perfectly happy. Yet, no one REALLY believes them. Others are wondering if this is the year that they’ll get engaged to their significant other. He already knows EXACTLY what setting the ring should be and they went looking at rings SIX MONTHS ago. Anxious, Agitated, Upset, Frustrated, Excited, Vulnerable, Bitter, and Sadness are all some emotions that describe this love holiday for some people. The truth is that we all want to feel some type of secure connection to someone else. And most of us like the idea of being treated to something special because someone appreciates and loves you. This also happens to be the time of year when someone gets unexpectedly dumped on the most (supposedly) romantic day of the year. I want to advise all of you to not get caught up in the hype if you don’t want to. A significant other is someone who is significant to you 365 days out of the year and not just one romantic night. Valentine’s day is what you make it. Plain and simple. If you have someone, fine. If you don’t, fine. One day should not ruin your month or year. Love can occur at any time in a year and it’s important to be open to possibilities instead of stacking all your hopes and dreams on one solitary day out of 364 other ones. Decide that you’re okay–regardless of the presence or lack of the presence of a significant other on ONE SINGLE DAY. To the single people, there’s no reason, and I mean NO reason to allow V-Day to depress you for months. Learn more, grow more….after all, February 15th is just around the corner.

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Why make it harder for yourself?

I talked to a friend of mine recently who had just gotten engaged. Now this person had just graduated from college and was planning to go to law school. She announced to me that she was not going to get married until after she completed law school. The reason? She wanted her maiden name on her diploma. She went on further to explain that she liked her last name and did not want the name of someone else on the piece of paper that commemorated her hard work. Being in a relationship is hard. It doesn’t naturally come easy for most people because a lot of times they have a different agenda than their partner. I don’t know of a couples that agrees on everything. Come to think of it, being with someone who agreed with everything I said would just make me upset and extremely annoyed. Variety is good, and while you and your partner might not always be on the same page, ya’ll should always be in the same book. With the rise of social media, many couples feel that they should have unrestricted access to the profile and message of the other. Others disagree and argue that each person has a right to privacy. Whatever you agree on, stick to it. Relationships are hard work. Why make them harder?

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What’s your title?

I’m going to be pretty brief in this post. One thing that I have really noticed in the last few days is the way that people use their titles. There are some people that insist on being called “Dr.” and others who are perfectly fine with just being called by their first name. One thing I noticed that was different about Colorado as opposed to the South was the use of titles. My teachers (all of who had doctorates) insisted that all the students call them by their first names. This was sorta weird, but also refreshing because it really humanized them. It became a “we” in the classroom instead of “us” and the “teacher.” I’ve noticed that people tend to make up titles for themselves. One of these examples is an individual who has received an honorary doctorate but still uses the title. Now correct me if I’m wrong but it seems that the key word is “honorary” which implies that they did not put in any work and did not complete the requirements necessary to get an actual doctorate. YET, they still call themselves by that particular title for a variety of reasons that may primarily be tied to the fact that they want recognition and credibility. As a doctoral student myself, I think I’m more sensitive to people who use titles that a. don’t mean anything or b. did not earn them. But that being said, I think that after I finish this degree, I’m going to insist that everyone use my title for two weeks and then I’ll drop it and go back to my regular first name. But then again, maybe not.