One thing about my new role is that I have the opportunity to be present for people while they do through hard times. My dissertation topic focuses on married black women and work life balance. So naturally I’m especially intrigued by clients who match the population that I’m studying in my academic life. Black women have higher rates of depression and anxiety than their White counterparts but are also less likely to seek treatment. Week after week I hear black women tell me that this is their first time in therapy or the first time they’ve opened up to anyone. Many tell stories of being discouraged from going to therapy by their families who say that they just need to have faith or pray more. Others speak of being judged by their faith leaders because they feel like they need to talk to someone and just reading the Bible is not enough. It’s ok to need help and it’s ok to get help. The commonality in many stories is that they are all expected to be strong and hold the family together through anything. They feel guilty crying or expressing emotions because they need to keep a straight face and move on. So many have been just existing in survival mode for so long that they’ve lost sight of their own dreams and aspirations. We have to stop discouraging people from getting help. Stop expecting your friend to be ok because she appears “strong.” There’s usually more going on than meets the eye and we have to stop assuming that things are fine. Because sometimes they aren’t.
I first heard this song on an episode of Queen Sugar (great show by the way). The melody is simple and somewhat haunting but you can feel the emotion dripping from it. I think on some level that loving and losing is just a part of the human experience. You won’t be loved by everyone and your feelings won’t always be reciprocated. Needless to say, I wish I knew this song existed when I got dumped. It would’ve been therapeutic. I love how music can make you feel better because you feel like you’re actually understood for a change.
God & ManLet me tell you about people who love deeply. They are wells of feeling. Storms of hope and heart that never know when to stop the downpour. People who love deeply are both soft and strong, they are whirlwinds of rarity that will only ever know how to empty themselves out for the…
Earlier this week I had the chance to chat with a friend (I’m using this term loosely) that I catch up with about once a year. We usually meet up in person but schedules wouldn’t allow it so we had to settle for a video chat. Have you ever had a conversation with someone and there were SO many things left unsaid that the conversation just felt heavy? It was like that. I was cool and kept it as surface and general as possible without getting into anything too personal. Annual conversations aren’t the best outlet to bare your soul. But as I talked to him I remembered the memories we’ve had over the years. I remember a moment when we were hanging out and I felt both incredibly happy and incredibly sad at the same time. It was a bittersweet moment in exponential proportions. It’s interesting how conversations with someone can bring back so many memories. I realized that I haven’t met anyone lately who even remotely compares to him education wise and also in ambition. While it’s not a bad thing, it does make dating just a little bit harder. The point is that there are some people in your life who you love but you really should only speak to once a year.
Relationships can be tricky things. There isn’t a “one size fits all” formula that will work everyone. People want someone who will complement them because opposites tend to attract and it’s hard to have a good discussion when someone agrees with you ALL the time. But sometimes a relationship can develop into something like a hostage situation. You’ve seen it. There’s the couple who are always fighting and are constantly breaking up and getting back together again. One partner is always trying to distance themselves but they can’t stay away. The other person knows exactly what buttons to push and what to say in order to have the other partner cave in and stay with them as an emotional hostage. It’s a cycle of dysfunction that has become comfortable. While some people can end a relationship and remain friends, the best way to end an emotional hostage type of relationship is to stop having any contact with the person. Change your number, find a new hobby, move somewhere else, etc. It can absolutely be done but it takes effort, determination, and action to move on with your life and leave the dysfunction behind.
Assume that being independent and being in a relationship have to be two mutually exclusive things.
Taylor And Matt There’s this other type of love that doesn’t come dressed in everything you’ve ever wanted. It isn’t every dream coming true. It isn’t waking up one day next to someone and realizing the only thing that matters is them. It’s opposite really. Yes, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted standing right in front…
I loved reading this article and could relate to it. I’ve had some sad moments but the moment I met someone, spent time with them and realized how compatible we were, and that we would never ever be together was one of the saddest. But also very sobering as it reminded me about the importance of cherishing the moments. I miss him a lot and while I would have loved a different outcome, I know that it will never happen. Love doesn’t always conquer all, but I’m forever grateful to have had the opportunity to meet him and get to know him. He was the right person, it was the wrong time.