Tag Archives: relationship

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Quick turnaround 

As my birthday draws a bit closer I thought I’d do a throwback story from way back in the vault on one of my first romantic interactions. Growing up, I was homeschooled so there wasn’t a lot of time for meaningful interactions with the opposite sex. While my parents were active in a church, dating was highly–and I mean HIGHLY discouraged. Needless to say, nothing notable happened on the romantic front during high school. Fast forward to the summer after my first semester of college. I did a youth scholarship program to raise money that consisted of going to the DMV area to sell books (door to door, parking lots, and businesses). While I learned a lot, it wasn’t easy being rejected on an hourly basis but I survived. I went with a group of other college students that included a few guys. There was one in particular who was interesting. He was very headstrong and not the most mature like many 18 or 19 year old freshman. Living with a group of people for two months straight has its pros and cons. We all got to know each other really well. The guy and I became pretty cool. Not close, but cool. We had some good conversations but nothing remotely romantic in nature. Fast forward to the end of the summer. The group disbands and we all go our separate ways. Not too long afterwards he contacted me. We talked for a while and then he confessed that he had had a crush on me during the summer when we worked together. He talked about wanting to get to know me better and spending more time together when we went back to campus in August. I was surprised but somewhat agreeable to the idea. He got off the phone with a promise to call the next day. The next days rolls around and I get a call from him as promised. This time it’s a very short call. He’s made a mistake and he’s sorry. He wants to take everything back about getting to know me better and doesn’t know why he said that but he still thinks I’m a good person.While it was surprising, it wasn’t crushing. I didn’t have much of a reaction. I pretty much said “have a nice life” and hung up. And as expected, I never heard from him again… 

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Relationships and distance 

Getting to know someone takes time. It’s not something that happens overnight or without some sort of effort. As a hopeless romantic of sorts,I love the idea of a whirlwind romance. But as a therapist, I’ve worked with couples who got together without taking the time to get to know each other. Relationships aren’t always easy to maintain and I think that distance tends to make them more complicated. Of course with modern technology you can communicate and see the other person on a frequent basis but it’s not the same as having the person be physically present. It takes a lot of time and energy to be in a relationship with someone that you don’t see often. I remember reading an article somewhere that said long distance relationships can work when they are for a specified period of time. They become harder to maintain when the time apart (weeks or months) is undetermined. I think that it’s especially hard if the relationship started online because you don’t have the experience of the initial chemistry in person and the process of building trust with someone you’ve never seen in real life is difficult. It’s not hard to feel alone in a long distance relationship and find yourself seeking out companionship that lives locally. I read a quote that said,”if you aren’t with the one you love, you’ll end up loving the one you’re with.” I think that’s a great example of how some relationships meet their demise. Absence can make the heart grow fonder but it doesn’t happen all the time. 

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Just a small rant

I have a small rant tonight. Like many people, I tend to become annoyed when there is something that I don’t fully understand. I had something happen a few months back that annoyed but also puzzled me. Guess I should start from the beginning. So about 4 years ago when I decided to give online dating a real chance, I met this guy. I was using one of the more popular sites and his profile popped up. He messaged and we talked for bit. Nothing serious. He lived across the country and we chatted about our world views. We skyped once for a few minutes because I wanted to verify who he was. We had some very marked differences in perspectives but got along fairly well. For the next few years we messaged each other occasionally. He always started the conversations and we would chat about different things. Again, nothing serious. He was pretty much cemented into the friendzone and seemed ok. Earlier this year he started messaging me more. Again, non-serious conversations. Surface stuff about his current job and how he’s trying to finish up his last few classes in college. He mentioned driving over and hanging out for the weekend. We compared schedules and picked a weekend. Living the life that I live, I had a very strong hunch that he wasn’t really serious. So the weekend came and he cancelled last minute saying “something came up.” I wasn’t upset because I already had stuff planned based on the assumption that he would flake. Crisis averted. So he kept messaging me with small talk. Then out the blue the guy asked me when we would actually meet in person. I have to admit that it caught me a little off guard since the last attempt had been a bust. But I asked specifically why we needed to meet in person. He replied that we would find out if we had chemistry. At this point, I knew I had to be pretty clear. I pointed out the fact that we had been in contact for the past 3 years and he had never actually had a phone conversation with me. We skyped for a few minutes but for the most part our interactions were all online. At that point it seemed clear to me that we didn’t have any chemistry. I’m just not a fan of wasting my time—especially when it involves 3 hours of driving and gas. But I guess it was a blow he could not recover from and he immediately blocked and deleted me on social media. I thought it was a childlike action but we all deal with disappointment in different ways. Maybe he had been trying to get up the courage to make a move for a while and then I just shut him down.  But the truth is that it is better to be honest initially than to go back and explain that you did something because you didn’t want his feelings to get hurt. I hate crushing hopes and dreams but you need to make an actual move in a time period of 3 years. What ever happened to men actually putting some effort into something instead of just assuming that you wanted to spend time with them? Oh well.. another one bites the dust.

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Marriage or nah?

Recently I got checked by someone for being too pro-marriage. I have to admit that the hopeless romantic in me loves the idea of forever commitment and love. Today millennials are getting married at older ages and are waiting longer to start families. There are a lot of people out there who don’t understand the idea of commitment. Starter marriages abound and are typically thought of as a stepping stone to finding “the one.” Other than the vows and a few tax breaks, one’s state of mind is really the deciding factor for marriage. There are couples without a “title” who are more committed than others who vowed before hundreds of their friends that they would protect and love each other forever. As much as I like the idea of legally being bound to someone, I think that so much depends on the choice of both individuals to choose to be in a relationship every day. Commitment is great but it doesn’t always require a marriage. There are people who are perfectly content and happy without getting married and it works for them. 

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Love on Top

I like this song for a variety of reasons. The first reason is that it’s a song that talks about being someone’s priority. Bey is singing about making a choice and deciding to stick with it. Secondly, I like this song because it reminds me of sitting in rush hour traffic in Miami on the way to the beach to spend the day. I’m on vacation and the windows to the car are all down while this song is blasting through the stereo system. All that being said, it’s a classic song that I think has a Michael Jackson-like vibe.

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Right Person, Wrong Time

A million years ago when I was in college I had the opportunity to read a play that a fellow classmate wrote. She was (and still is) a super talented article and the play was somewhat biographical in nature. The story was centered around a guy and girl who were friends but the girl found herself catching feelings while realizing that the feeling wasn’t mutual. If I remember correctly, at the end of the story her guy friend ended up getting a girlfriend and the girl was left alone. The last words of the script were: “The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.” As I’ve grown older I’ve realized how true those words are. Like I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I’m a big fan of timing. I think that there are circumstances where people meet and they are very compatible with each other. They have similar interests and get along well and quickly discover that it’s easy to tolerate each other. However, despite all the ways that these two people are compatible, there is some glaring reason why something romantic and long term won’t work. It could be distance, family conflict, financial turmoil or something of the like that dictates the decisions made. The timing is all off and there’s nothing that either person can do about it. I think that situations such as those happen fairly frequently and while people can be right for each other, it may just not be the time. It’s almost like life plays a joke on you and you have no choice but to make the necessary adjustments. If there is chemistry but the timing is off, then ultimately it won’t work out. Not because someone is necessarily at fault or because of some glaring red flag but because the right person at the wrong time is (still) the wrong person.

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Secret Wishes

I ran into this article through the course of my internet surfing and found it to be (somewhat) fairly accurate as far as my own experience and from discussions from other people in my age bracket. You can read it here. I agreed with a lot of the things that the author wrote about. After all, your dog isn’t going to let you know how much he enjoyed your cooking. An example of this is the fact that I made an awesome lemon pie the other day and my dog loved it. While the article wasn’t all inclusive there were some very valid points that were made. Granted, I think that a lot of the things listed tend to be hidden behind a certain facade of having a great life. But then again, that’s nothing new and it happens with both men and women all the time.

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Retiring a Discussion

I ran across this article pretty recently and it quickly caught my interest. I’ve included a link here .   I’ve seen seminars, books, webinars, and programs all addressing this topic. So many people (both men and women) claim to have the magic formula and list their own love story as the proof that their way works. This article was specifically addressing a Black women as a group. Between the interpersonal cues, relationship coaching, speed dating, and other means of “catching” a significant other. The article challenges that thought behind the idea that a woman’s life should be defined by her relationship status. But let’s face it, unmarried women who don’t have kids aren’t typically looked upon with the same level of respect as career women who are married and raising their kids and balancing it all in a (seemingly) effortless manner. The article highlights the fact that shame is often a part of the internal narrative of black women and explored how one’s relationship status can contribute to levels of shame. That thought made me wonder how many products and advertisements are targeted to someone’s level of shame. Products that are marketed in a way that make you feel inadequate unless you become a consumer of the product.  Very thought provoking read.

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Love you long time

I’m definitely a huge music fan and I ran across this gem of a song about a month ago on Amazon Prime music (great app by the way). I absolutely love the versatility of Jazmine’s voice and the fact that her songs actually have a coherent message. This song could have easily been a slow ballad that would have been a great first dance song at a wedding. However, the music says something completely different. It’s happy and celebratory while still preserving the weight of the lyrics. You can’t help but bob your head to the beat of the song. Which by the way has some reggae and pop influences. This song has literally been on repeat for about a month on my playlist and I like the message. Jazmine is singing about someone she loves and who she doesn’t want to lose. It’s definitely the “I’m in a relationship and I’m happy” song. Jazmine is one of the handful of artists that I consider to be “melodically articulate” (a phrase borrowed from Pharrell). Her voice is absolutely amazing and she has a signature style that can’t be duplicated by others.