One thing about my new role is that I have the opportunity to be present for people while they do through hard times. My dissertation topic focuses on married black women and work life balance. So naturally I’m especially intrigued by clients who match the population that I’m studying in my academic life. Black women have higher rates of depression and anxiety than their White counterparts but are also less likely to seek treatment. Week after week I hear black women tell me that this is their first time in therapy or the first time they’ve opened up to anyone. Many tell stories of being discouraged from going to therapy by their families who say that they just need to have faith or pray more. Others speak of being judged by their faith leaders because they feel like they need to talk to someone and just reading the Bible is not enough. It’s ok to need help and it’s ok to get help. The commonality in many stories is that they are all expected to be strong and hold the family together through anything. They feel guilty crying or expressing emotions because they need to keep a straight face and move on. So many have been just existing in survival mode for so long that they’ve lost sight of their own dreams and aspirations. We have to stop discouraging people from getting help. Stop expecting your friend to be ok because she appears “strong.” There’s usually more going on than meets the eye and we have to stop assuming that things are fine. Because sometimes they aren’t.
Now that I’m a working adult, it’s rare that I’ll binge watch an entire season of a show in two sittings but that’s what happened with Insecure. My social media accounts have been flooded with reactions from the show so I wanted to watch for myself and see what the hype was all about. Oh my goodness. The show is amazing. Definitely not kid friendly but a great show. The main character “Issa” has a lot going on. She’s balancing a relationship, a best friend, and a job at a local non-profit. As the season progresses, we see Issa try to make sense of her world. Her boyfriend isn’t always emotionally available and she questions the relationship when an old flame reappears in her life. Meanwhile, Issa also has a best friend who is a successful professional but has really bad luck with men. By the time the season ends, Issa’s boyfriend has gotten a new job, she has made a horrible mistake and her friend is still single. One thing that I can appreciate is that the show isn’t super complicated. The season finale wasn’t what I expected but it definitely brought to light the fact that there are consequences for actions although two wrongs don’t make a right. Issa made a mistake and regretted it but discovered that some things aren’t easily fixed with a contrite apology. Her boyfriend was a good guy who got his life together a little too late but was absolutely caught off guard when the truth came out and acted out accordingly. There aren’t hundreds of characters to remember but the nuances are so reflective of real life and the experience of a lot of minority millennials. I’m glad the show has been renewed for a second season.
I ran across this article pretty recently and it quickly caught my interest. I’ve included a link here . I’ve seen seminars, books, webinars, and programs all addressing this topic. So many people (both men and women) claim to have the magic formula and list their own love story as the proof that their way works. This article was specifically addressing a Black women as a group. Between the interpersonal cues, relationship coaching, speed dating, and other means of “catching” a significant other. The article challenges that thought behind the idea that a woman’s life should be defined by her relationship status. But let’s face it, unmarried women who don’t have kids aren’t typically looked upon with the same level of respect as career women who are married and raising their kids and balancing it all in a (seemingly) effortless manner. The article highlights the fact that shame is often a part of the internal narrative of black women and explored how one’s relationship status can contribute to levels of shame. That thought made me wonder how many products and advertisements are targeted to someone’s level of shame. Products that are marketed in a way that make you feel inadequate unless you become a consumer of the product. Very thought provoking read.