A good date

I realized that I’ve posted some bad date stories but to be fair and to also (maybe) inspire some sense of optimism in my seemingly string of endless romantic bad luck I’ll write about a good date that I’ve had. I moved to a new place and I updated one of my social media accounts to show my new location. But let me take a few steps back. I’m a big fan of not having public social media pages. I like to be able to choose who sees what I post. There was a guy that I added for the very simple reason that he was cute and what he posted had substance. So for the past few years we didn’t interact but followed each other on social media. Fast forward to me coming to the new place. He commented on my post that he lived nearby and that we should hang out sometime. So a few weeks later we messaged and decided on a time and location. I was excited but had no idea what to expect. It was a public place but honestly you never know when you’re meeting someone in person for the first time. He was a good looking guy but for some reason I imagined that he was shorter than average because of the angles of the pictures he posted. Nothing wrong with that. So I arrived at the restaurant early and proceeded to order food and a drink. I didn’t know if he would decide to show up and I didn’t want to wait forever, plus I was hungry. But I picked a seat that faced the door so I would see him if he decided to come through. I’m enjoying my food and I see him walk past the windows and into the front door. Up to this point I had only swooned over a guy twice or so. Once when I walked past Brian McKnight in college and once when I was in Paris. This was the third time. I saw him and felt the air leave my lungs. I immediately felt my ears getting warm and I think my jaw literally dropped. Dude was fine. Not regularly fine where you can glance, smile, and keep it moving. The kind where you stop in your tracks and and stare while trying to decide if it’s worth it to take a picture to document the moment. He spotted me and came over to say hi and give me a hug before we moved to a different part of the restaurant. He ordered drinks and we started chatting. Great conversation that didn’t have those awkward silences. Found out that we had some things in common. I’m also mentally checking off things on my unofficial checklist of what I’d ideally like. Dude is passing with FLYING colors. Corporate with a twinge of bad boy? Check. Well read and well spoken? Check. Has a passport and travels? Check. Goals and ambition? Check. So I’m just enjoying the moment and focusing on the present. Another unaccompanied woman comes into the restaurant and sits close to us. She orders a complicated drink and frustrates the already swamped bartender. Then she starts to low key flirt with my guy. I’ll admit that I started to feel some twinges of annoyance and possessiveness but he shuts her down effortlessly. Bonus points for him. It was a good evening. We chatted for about 5 hours about anything and everything under the sun. It was never officially stated as a date and I was fully prepared to pay for my food and drinks and as the evening went on he started ordering drinks as we continued to talk. The bill came and he paid for it without complaint despite me half heartedly offering to pay for my portion. I’ve heard that if a guy pays than it should be considered a date. The bill was close to $200 bucks so I guess it officially counted as a date. He walked me to my car and walked on the outside curb. Great guy, good time, no complaints. 

What Your Girlfriend With Anxiety Wants, But Won’t Ever Ask For — Thought Catalog

@BYONELOVEShe wants your reassurance without you perceiving her as ‘needy’. She wants to hear you say you love her and that you’re not going anywhere. She wants your arms around her as you say it, showing her with your affection how much you care. She wants you to understand and not be annoyed when she…

via What Your Girlfriend With Anxiety Wants, But Won’t Ever Ask For — Thought Catalog

 

Without adding any snarky comments and making a generalization about “all” men out there, I will say that this sounds nice. It’s interesting how people who appear so self assured in other areas of their life can feel so unsettled and anxious within a relationship. I think that it’s because there’s something that is out of their control. It feels weird and different and naturally some anxiety ensues because you find yourself really self-doubting for the first time in a while. Great article

Year 26

As usual, this is the traditional somewhat reflective post of this past year. Seeing that my birthday is only a few days again, it seemed only fitting to do some reflection. I have to admit that as an introvert, I spend a lot of time in reflection and analyzing. A year ago, I had just made the decision to relocate across the county and I was still settling in. I hadn’t gotten my apartment yet and job prospects weren’t the greatest. As opposed to receiving gifts and being treated, I treated my family to lunch. The day was cold and dreary and I remember thinking that I was alone as always–never having had a significant other for my birthday at any point in my life. And this year the tradition continues. As I reflect, I keep trying to remember a moment or moments that were epic. Where I had the chance to experience something out of the ordinary or feel special to someone for a few moments. And as I think about it, I did have that moment. I was sitting in the passenger side of a rented Toyota Camry and I was crying. Not loud and obnoxious but it was a heart cry. The one where you’re silent and tears are just running down in rivers down your face. I was crying because I didn’t want my boyfriend (at the time) to leave and drive back to where he lived 3 hours away. It was the first time in my life that I felt safe enough to be vulnerable and cry in front of someone. He was great. He just held my hand and sang off-key to me. It was actually kinda cute and cheered me up. I got it together and wished him a tear free goodbye not knowing that I would never see him again (still haven’t), because he called me a week later and dumped me. This past year has definitely been one full of heartbreak and questioning myself over and over again. What’s wrong with me? Why am I always the one screwed over at the end of the day? Am I really THAT hard to stay with? Does no one appreciate loyalty or loves these days? Being honest, I had two huge heartbreaks and then a whole bunch of smaller ones to break up the monotony. This was the year I gave dating a chance and it just didn’t work out at all. But I quit a job that I hated and I moved across the country. And in the end I’m still alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely grateful for my life and supportive family and I’ve had the opportunity to accomplish some decent things professionally but I miss having someone to share that with. Every. Damn. Day. It’s been a long long year with plenty of sleepless nights and crying at random times because I just wanted someone in my corner to be supportive of me no matter what and to match my feelings for them. Obviously up to this point it’s been an epic fail but as I find myself saying every year around my birthday, “maybe next year.”

Friends or not?

Not too long ago I saw a post from a friend that said that there is no such thing as having new friends of the opposite sex. If you haven’t been friends with them for at least two or three years then you’re just out of luck. The first thing I thought about after reading that post was that there may be some truth to that. Depending on the situation, most people of the opposite sex don’t meet people just to be friends. There are ulterior motives that include networking or additional “benefits” that motivate people. I’m not saying that no one meets new friends of the opposite sex but I doubt that is always the primary motivation. People meet other people for personal gain as adults. Things aren’t as simple as it is when you have friends as a kid. I’ve met a lot of people in the last few years. However, the process of making someone of the opposite sex a “true” platonic friend is much more complicated than it used to be. There’s always something that one person wants from the other and very rarely does this include “true friendship.” It’s just the way of the world. Friendship is often given as a consolation prize or a compromise because both people aren’t on the same page. The point of all this is to say that it’s rare as an adult to be absolutely 100% friends with someone of the opposite sex from the very moment you meet them without thinking of what they can do for you, who they know that they can connect you to, or if there’s a chance for some additional personal gain in some way.

A good day

Today was a good day. While I don’t usually characterize my days as good or bad, I must say that today was the exception to the rule. I guess part of the reason I had a good day was the fact that I had a pretty good weekend. Traveled a few thousand miles back to the South and had a random adventure in the urban section of Atlanta with a friend and some others. Witnessed an altercation that could have quickly turned into a fight and did some advocating and mediation that actually had some positive results. But I digress. Today I got a chance to spend some time with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while and I really enjoyed it. As I grow older I have found that good conversation is a luxury that is often disregarded. While there are people I talk to fairly regularly and keep in touch with through phone calls or texts, there’s no substitute for a genuine human face to face interaction with someone I enjoy talking to. It’s a great feeling to have an intelligent conversation without constantly backtracking and feeling like you may be offending the other person and that they don’t understand where you’re coming from. It was also great seeing a familiar face because that rarely happens unless I travel a significant distance. I personally enjoy good conversations because they can be so enlightening and helpful. Those kind of conversations are even better when you have rapport with the person and there are mutual interests and a history of shared experiences. Those are the conversations that keep you awake, alert, and engaged despite just finishing your 12 hour shift and being beyond exhausted. Yup, it was a good day. 

Retiring a Discussion

I ran across this article pretty recently and it quickly caught my interest. I’ve included a link here .   I’ve seen seminars, books, webinars, and programs all addressing this topic. So many people (both men and women) claim to have the magic formula and list their own love story as the proof that their way works. This article was specifically addressing a Black women as a group. Between the interpersonal cues, relationship coaching, speed dating, and other means of “catching” a significant other. The article challenges that thought behind the idea that a woman’s life should be defined by her relationship status. But let’s face it, unmarried women who don’t have kids aren’t typically looked upon with the same level of respect as career women who are married and raising their kids and balancing it all in a (seemingly) effortless manner. The article highlights the fact that shame is often a part of the internal narrative of black women and explored how one’s relationship status can contribute to levels of shame. That thought made me wonder how many products and advertisements are targeted to someone’s level of shame. Products that are marketed in a way that make you feel inadequate unless you become a consumer of the product.  Very thought provoking read.

It’s Over

I don’t know if I’ve ever posted a John Legend song in the time that I’ve had this blog and it’s been a shame. Now, I would not go as far to say that I know ALL the lyrics to ALL of his songs, but I will say that I’ve been listening to his music since before I was allowed to listen to secular music and had to sneak around. Quite a feat for a homeschooler.  This is one of my all time favorite songs that he’s done. It’s been on repeat all this week for some strange reason. John has a way or writing songs that are super easy to relate to. The melodies are unique but not distracting from the lyrics. And John’s voice has a signature sound that adds to the genuineness of his music. This song reminded me of some of the times where I’ve had to delete numbers and then re-save them in my phone under “never EVER answer.” The thing about this song is that it’s catchy but also makes a declaration in some fashion. There will always be people who have trouble letting go. Whether it’s their favorite food, or a relationship they are incredibly intricately involved with, sometimes things have an expiration date. It doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing, it just means that we have to make some adjustments. Life changes and people change as well. Sometimes those changes require some reconsideration of close relationships. There will always be people who don’t want to take “no” for an answer. But if it’s over, it’s over.