Tag Archives: couples

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Average Joe is Above Average

One of my favorite pastimes is to watch televisions shows that people aren’t really talking about. And when I say people, I really just mean my timeline(s) on social media. It’s hard to get me interested in a series because it has to keep my attention over a long period of time. I like shows that are unpredictable with a lot of twists and turnes. Average Joe fit the bill.

I want to share why, but be warned there will be some slight spoiler alerts ahead. 

Average Joe is a television show about a plumber who lives in the South with his wife and daughter. His daughter has just started to date and is becoming more invested in her social circle. The first episode finds Joe dealing with the death of his father and the grief that comes along with having to settle his father’s estate. Joe is a stressed out man and it’s very

apparent within all the episodes. He’s just trying to do the right thing and keep food on the table for his family. He loves his wife, but he also wants to make a change in his life. The family is solidly middle class but like most families, they have some financial stressors that make it hard to get ahead. The most notable being that a member of Joe’s immediate family has an autoimmune disease that affects her ability to get around at times and it requires expensive medications to manage symptoms.

How it begins

Joe is minding his business when a quick turn of events within an hour turns his life upside down and makes him a wanted man. The situation is quickly complicated by the arrival of his best friend and the involvement of another friend who works in law enforcement. Without giving too much away, I can honestly say that each episode left me on the edge of my seat. There wasn’t a slow build like many thrillers have. The action started in the very first episode and it stayed that way for the entire series. 

As the show goes on, the intensity increases. Joe and his family have to leave their home because they fear for their lives and are trying to figure out their next moves. It’s interesting to watch Joe and his wife attempt to shield their daughter from the chaos until they discover that she has a significant role to play in finding a resolution. In many ways, the situation is a coming of age for her as she advocates for herself and tries to help her parents in the midst of a situation that seems impossible. Her parents give multiple directions and directives to her and she ignores many of them in true teenage fashion.

One thing I liked was that the supporting cast was solid

Each person had their own role to play and the power of working together was highlighted. Life rarely happens as expected and fiction mimics reality. There were so many ups and downs but I found myself rooting for Joe in each episode because his heart was in the right place. Needless to say, there are multiple storylines that make this show more intriguing. One particularly interesting one is the relationship between Joe and his best friend. We are able to see some of the nuances of relationships, the temptation of greed and how it can affect the ones closest to us. 

All in all, it was a show I’d recommend watching if you like murder mysteries and being surprised. I give it an 8/10 for originality. Check it out sometime.

AVERAGE JOE SEASON ONE

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Couples Shouldn’t Share a Bathroom

And I think that most people would agree. There are certain times where personal space matters more than others. No one wants to be interrupted while attending to business and I can imagine that it probably happens frequently whenever two or more people have to share the same bathroom. Ask any adolescent that has gone through puberty if they’d like their own bathroom and the answer would most likely be yes. There’s just something nice about not having to share a bathroom with others.

Growing up, I had a totally opposite experience. From 1996 to 2001, we were a family of six (6) living in a 1200sq ft house that only had one bathroom. Six people, one bathroom. It was quite a time. As you can imagine, it was tough to have that many people getting ready to go out to the town, but each person needed to take a shower. I think I learned great negotiation skills through those tense moments where we had to figure out who would get dibs on the bathroom. It was an exercise in patience and compromise that I never want to revisit in that manner again.

Fast forward to couples stuff

Living together is a big step for most couples and it often means that a partners are sharing a bed and bathroom. Usually, it’s in the bigger bedroom of the house or apartment and it comes with an attached bathroom. Couples are immediately having to have conversations about preferences and shared space as they get adjusted to the feeling of having someone in their space with them all the time. Sharing a bathroom just comes with the territory. Personally, I don’t think that this situation is ideal and here’s why:

Relationships need space to breathe

Think about it. You tend to think more positive thoughts about your partner when you can spend some time apart. There’s some truth to the fact that absence makes the heart fonder. Sharing a bathroom can feel very smothering and there are just some things that happen that are guaranteed to make you lose the rose colored glasses that you might see them through. Bathrooms tend to be a reflection of our habits and personality and relationships can feel complicated and get stagnant when we get too familiar.

Space and time become more important as you get older

We become more set in our ways and our peace matters more than money. It’s hard to make adjustments after we get over a certain age. People are getting married at older ages and with that comes different expectations of relationships. Separate bathrooms can help you not to lose yourself in the midst of your relationship. You get a chance to get a sink, shower, tub and toilet to yourself to use when you’d like without any feedback from your partner. It can easily be your escape from stress and from the cares of the world. It may also be an experience you want for yourself without any feedback from your partner. 

So, the next time you’re looking for a new place with your significant other, try getting separate bathrooms. You’ll thank yourself later. 

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Easier vs. Better

As hard as it is to hear, I’m at a place in my life where I want to hear the truth. While I know it’s not always comfortable and that I can end up being a bit hurt at times, it still beats alternative of being lied to. Lies can just be more convenient and appear to be the best option. However, in the long run, it’s generally a bad idea to build your life or make decisions based on untruths. Like most people, I strongly dislike being mislead and I’d rather know something than not knowing something.

So enter relationships. The romantic sort. They can be messy, complicated and very emotionally taxing. We’ve all seen couples where we were secretly hoping that they would recognize their lack of compatibility and just part ways. It was toxic from day one and just continued to go downhill from the moment they decided to form a “trauma bond” and be in romantic relationship. It’s a relationship that makes us all happy that we aren’t in their shoes and having to make the same decisions.

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

And then there are the rare exceptions to normality in a positive direction that leave us all dumbfounded (I think that’s a word). They seem to be in sync on everything and against all odds appear to be consistently happy together for months and years at a time. Their relationship appears to be a good partnership and both people are blissfully in love, in like, and in life together. A rarity indeed. It’s a reminder to us all that it’s a beautiful thing to have a trusted life companion. The reality flipside is that for many of us, our romantic relationships fall into the “normal” box. We have our general frustrations and bones to pick. But we’ve decided that we’re going to try to make it work because it makes sense for now and overall, the outcome has been positive.

Every relationship has a culture and this can be different and varied depending on the people involved in said relationship. There’s good and bad times, ups and downs and in-between moments. Life with someone takes compromise, communication, trust and honesty. We can veer off course but eventually through time and understanding and applying relationship skills like the ones that are outlined in this workbook, we find our way back to our partner. It’s not easy to think about someone else all the time because your decisions affect them. Conversations can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings that require humility and effort to resolve. We don’t always get our way. However, for many, having a relationship doesn’t make their life easier, but it makes it better. We like the fact that there’s someone to come home to and there’s an emergency contact outside of friends and family that actually cares. We have a person that will listen and support in a way that only someone who knows us well can do.

It’s an interesting concept to consider the whole idea of better vs. easier. I think many times we have to make decisions that require us to sacrifice one for the other. What’s better generally isn’t easier and what’s easier generally isn’t better. Of course there are exceptions but those don’t necessarily apply to relationships and interactions with others. We make decisions based on what we hope the outcome will be and wish for the best. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

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Valentine’s Day Again

While technically Valentine’s Day is over, I was reminded today while scrolling social media of all the years that I wanted to be in a relationship. While that goal was accomplished last year, it’s been interesting how much less the holiday means after being shown love and kindness throughout the other 364 days of the year. There were a lot of sad people today who spent the day alone or with people that they may not have genuinely cared about or loved. Relationships are so much more than what happens in a 24 hour period. While I love grand gestures and gifts, I’ve come to a deeper appreciation for the small meaningful things that make life easier. Being able to delegate difficult tasks, having a friend I can talk to, requesting an occasional foot rub are all things that at one point in my life I never expected to have. As I’ve continued to work with couples, I’m reminded of the importance of consistency in relationships. Trust and commitment don’t happen overnight. They both are traits that are cultivated through time and energy and many people don’t make the investment that is necessary for success. When something is important to you, you make time for it and ensure that it is a priority. Taking the time to water your own grass (figuratively) and invest in the health of your relationship will reap benefits. Just make sure you’re with the right person.

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Taking inventory

After years of waiting and hoping I finally got into a relationship with long term potential about a year ago and things are going well. The thing that has been surprising is how different my expectations were from reality. I work with black women who have educational and financial standards for their future boyfriend or spouse and honestly I used to be one of them. No one wants to be in a relationship and do worse financially then they were before. However, in the past year I’ve learned more about some of the intangibles that mean more than what a guy makes or his level of education. Women can easily get caught up in what a man does instead of evaluating who he is. One thing is significantly less obvious than the other. Dating a project isn’t about trying to rehabilitate a man but it’s not the same as supporting a man who has a clear path and plan for the future. Many times the past is a great indicator of the future. Instead of asking about a five year plan, it’s better to ask a man about a five year plan he’s has in the past and what year he’s in presently. It’s easy have aspirations but it’s much hard to put in the work to manifest them. If a man is serious his actions will show it. Giving you a girlfriend label doesn’t indicate he’s serious. Is he applying for jobs to move closer to you? Has he given you his timeline for moving in together? Is he introducing you to his circle of friends? These are all indications that there’s a good chance he’s sees a future with you. Women are quick to complain that a man has wasted their time but in reality they have wasted their own time because they weren’t being held hostage and they got committed too soon without verifying that the other person wanted the same thing. Taking inventory means that you understand where you are in your life and you intentionally choose to make decisions that align with your long term goals.

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Building emotional connection

I ran into this picture and thought that it was a great idea to utilize for couples who just want to try something different to build their relationship and emotional connection. It’s more ideal for partners who live together but anything can be modified for social distancing or living apart. Happy June!

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Post-Valentine’s Day

I’ve always been somewhat of a hopeless romantic. I love the idea of a grand gesture for the holiday where someone declares their undying love and affection. This year has been pretty low key but also better than previous years. I spent quality time with my significant other without the hassle of trying to outdo anyone or prove that the actions of one day are an indication of the level of commitment of both partners. I saw a slew of v-day posts on social media and this year I was particularly annoyed with the amount of meaningless advice that attached women posted and addressed directly to “single women.” The “wait and see” approach to finding a significant other is outdated and is rarely ever effective. One thing that I’ve learned is the importance of letting go of comparisons to other relationships. Everyone is different and there’s not a “one size fits all” approach to relationships. It’s important to build your relationship the way that you and your partner want it. Create your own personal definition of fidelity and commitment through discussion with your partner and be ok with the fact that it may look different than other relationships. There’s too much at stake to not be honest with yourself about what you want and what you expect from a partner.

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Shared outcomes

There’s a lot that’s been going on and lately I’ve been thinking about the importance of compatibility in a romantic context. I’ve always been someone that hated the small talk part of getting to know someone. I’d rather ask deep personal questions that one should never ask on a first date that tend to illicit an awkward reaction. One of the most important compatibility aspects is the fact that both partners have shared outcomes. While they may not share the same favorite color or food, their values and life goals are compatible. They are on the same page about monogamy (or the lack of it), life philosophy, and other important big picture stuff. It gives them something to bond over and talk about because they’re on the same page and they see similar things in the future. Having increased positive interactions can help them in dealing with the everyday relationship stresses. It’s not always glamorous, but compatibility on a deep level works wonders for relationships success.

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Course Correction

I’ve been attempting to write a bit more consistently and it’s been quite a challenge. One thing that has been interesting for me has been the recent increase in working with couples as a therapist. It is such a different vibe than seeing a person by themselves or a family as a whole. A spouse/partner can be your best friend or worst enemy and a lot of things in between. One thing that many of my clients have in common is the fact that they failed to make the small changes that would have helped them to avoid the major issues that came up. They grew apart over the course of months and years and they became so comfortable with avoiding meaningful communication that the other individual has become a stranger. But the truth is that you can’t undo years of damage overnight; there’s too much disconnection and both people have been going in different directions. It’s in those times that a major course correction is necessary. One of the things that I’ve learned is it the importance of making minor course corrections when they are still minor. Checking in, talking about tough stuff, and making time for each other are some of the things that have to be done intentionally because it can be easy to lose sight of the big picture and take your partner for granted. Developing healthy communication patterns and fighting respectfully and effectively while remaining emotionally connected is a narrow tightrope to walk on. However, the things that are worthwhile are worth doing well. Great relationships don’t happen haphazardly. They are maintained through intentional effort, time, and emotional connection.