Tag Archives: relationships

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Emotions and attraction

It’s a fairly well known fact that some people aren’t known for making the greatest decisions when they are fatigued, exhausted, sad, excessively happy, or angry. There’s something about it that impairs good decision making skills at times. You find yourself doing things that you would never do if you were calm,collected, and rational. It’s happened to the best of us. I have a theory that there are certain people that we only find attractive when we are exhausted or in some type of vulnerable state. It’s not that these people are necessarily bad, but in more ideal circumstances they would never receive a second glance. 
I remember someone once saying that you should never make an important decision when you’re upset, sad, or angry because oftentimes those are the decisions that are regretted the most. In the same way, I think that it’s also good to be self aware of the signs that indicate we are really tired or fatigued.

Maybe that way we’ll be able to avoid some bad decisions. 

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The other side of lonely part III

This is the third installment of (apparently) my annual blog post on the other side of loneliness. The basic idea is that we can be profoundly lonely at some of the best times of our lives. I wrote the first blog after one of my most stressful academic days. I had to do a presentation for the faculty of my school. This presentation included a video clip of me conducting therapy with a couple and rationalizing all my therapeutic interventions witty explanations on what I was trying to accomplish. This was also accompanied by a declaration of my therapeutic orientation and background information. Needless to say, it was the culmination of two years of clinical work and class work and was necessary in order to graduate. I did the presentation and passed with flying colors with some really positive feedback from faculty. It was a great moment. Hence my assertion that sometimes our happiest moments can be our loneliest because we don’t have anyone to share it with. I still think it’s true two years later. Some people say that you can’t miss something you’ve never had. While I disagree, I also think that you miss something in a different way when you have had it at some point and had to give it up. By this same token, having someone there for one occasion will make you appreciative but it could also make you lonelier when it happens again without the presence of said person. I think that loneliness is felt more acutely when you’ve known what it’s like to have someone there. It’s not necessarily a bad thing because you learn how to truly appreciate the times that were the exception to the “rule.”

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Social Media and Your Other Half

This may seem like a rant but it’s really not. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine about some prominent couples that we know of. These couples aren’t celebrities or anything but they are fairly well known in certain circles. There’s also an abundance of rumors that their marriage is on the rocks and that they are on the verge of divorce or at least separation. This is partially due to the fact that while all individuals are on social media their spouses is never spoken of and there aren’t any pictures of them together within the last few years.  I’m not a social media expert by any means but when you only post selfies and pictures of your children without your spouse I wonder what that means. We all know people who tend to go a bit overboard on social media exposing every single detail about their relationship, what they had to eat, their emotions at any given time, and their thoughts on everything. I’ve witnessed how social media can affect your romantic relationships and I’ve seen couples navigate those grey waters in a variety of ways. Some combine their profiles in an attempt to consolidate friends and provide transparency on all ends. Others give their spouse or significant other their password so that they can check their messages and communications with others. The level of investment in social media varies depending on the person and everyone is entitled to their personal life however I often wonder what is behind the decision to never acknowledge on social media that you’re married. I think that if you are married your spouse should at least be acknowledged. I’m not saying that you have to tag them in every status or talk about them all the time, but it wouldn’t be a bad thing to post a picture of the two of you once a year or so. After all, that’s supposed to be one of the most important people in your life. The absence of a spouse from social media is definitely more pronounced when one of the partners is in a position of prominence. You are automatically subject to more scrutiny when you’re in the public eye and that scrutiny also extends to your spouse even if they don’t care for the spotlight. Do everyone a favor and at least be willing to acknowledge them on social media. After all, you picked them.

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Walking Far Away

Lately I’ve been seeing numerous posts by various people I know on social media. The posts all have a common thread of being willing to walk away from friends or something distracting in order to experience progress. Now, to be honest, I think that’s a great concept and it’s applicable to a lot of situations. I sometimes find myself repeating that same sentiment as I work with people who have made unsafe decisions because of the influences of others. In my lifetime I’ve walked away from a good amount of things. While the results weren’t catastrophic or anything, it was rarely an easy decision to make. Jobs have always been pretty easy for me to walk away from. Or maybe I should say job offers. It’s another thing entirely when you voluntarily give up a job without knowing when the next one will come along (not recommended by the way). One of the hardest things I think I’ve walked away from is the hope of a future with an individual I have felt I’m compatible with. We all know that relationships are a two way street and if one person is disengaged it’s not going to work. You can’t love someone into loving you back–no matter how hard you try. It doesn’t work that way. Luckily in my situation walking away has also included physical distance so while it’s hard, it’s also something that I’m not reminded of on a regular basis. This helps with the discomfort that often accompanies putting a dream to rest. Sometimes this realization causes you to make the decision that walking away is better than wasting your time. I’ve learned that the human heart likes to hope against hope but that sometimes it’s a futile effort. A waste of time. So much emotional health depends on the ability to identify these situations and learn how to walk away. I haven’t mastered it all the way but I will say that walking away in those type of circumstances doesn’t get easier. In fact, in some cases it gets harder because you invest more time and energy into something that will never be. It’s a disappointment and a letdown. But it’s better than hanging out like a pitiful puppy hoping that something will come along and change the situation. That’s futile.

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Asking for Help

I know a lot of people who have a problem asking for help. It’s not that they don’t know that they need help, but it’s a leap of faith to make their needs known to others. I think that asking for help requires a certain amount of vulnerability that many people are very uncomfortable with. I think that some of this reluctance comes from the fact that many of live in an individualistic culture. Making it on one’s own without any helped is looked upon as something to aspire to while asking for help is sometimes perceived as a sign of weakness. I must admit that as someone who provides a service that is often very needed as a part of my job, it’s frustrating when people visibly put on a front and lie about how they really feel or situations that have just occurred. However, while it’s frustrating, I’m not upset when it happens because I know that it’s very hard to be honest with oneself–let alone others in a difficult situation. Not too long ago I was in a similar situation where I found myself in a position where I either had to ask for help or experience the regret that comes along with not making the right choice at the right time. Now, luckily (or unluckily) for me I’m the kind of person who is plagued with insomnia, nausea, and other weird somatic stress symptoms when I procrastinate doing something that I really need to do or if I have some kind of conflict I have to resolve. It’s essential to fix it as soon as possible so that my pseudo-sickness can go away and I can have some peace of mind. Great incentive. All that being said, I couldn’t sleep or be productive until I fixed this huge misunderstanding and at least said what I had to say. There’s a saying that says “close mouths don’t get fed” and I was in dire need of some assistance. However, since I had already failed in delivering my message effectively in person I decided that an email would be the next best thing. So I sent a very long and rambling email that wasn’t organized but got my message across. It was definitely a gamble in the long run but at the end of the day I was able to get the results that I wanted because I was willing to get out of my comfort zone and actually say something.

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Friends or not?

Not too long ago I saw a post from a friend that said that there is no such thing as having new friends of the opposite sex. If you haven’t been friends with them for at least two or three years then you’re just out of luck. The first thing I thought about after reading that post was that there may be some truth to that. Depending on the situation, most people of the opposite sex don’t meet people just to be friends. There are ulterior motives that include networking or additional “benefits” that motivate people. I’m not saying that no one meets new friends of the opposite sex but I doubt that is always the primary motivation. People meet other people for personal gain as adults. Things aren’t as simple as it is when you have friends as a kid. I’ve met a lot of people in the last few years. However, the process of making someone of the opposite sex a “true” platonic friend is much more complicated than it used to be. There’s always something that one person wants from the other and very rarely does this include “true friendship.” It’s just the way of the world. Friendship is often given as a consolation prize or a compromise because both people aren’t on the same page. The point of all this is to say that it’s rare as an adult to be absolutely 100% friends with someone of the opposite sex from the very moment you meet them without thinking of what they can do for you, who they know that they can connect you to, or if there’s a chance for some additional personal gain in some way.

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People and their choices

I commented to a colleague of mine the other day that the work we do naturally makes us cynical. I’m not an expert in human behavior or personality but I’ve found that many of the clients I work with have ulterior motives. I think that’s something people don’t always want to acknowledge but it still continues to be true. There are certain times of the year where you see more people depressed because of relationships, then there’s the season of behavior problems with kids and adolescents. Somewhere in the year the presenting challenge changes to people experimenting with a new drug or hallucination with agitation. These cycles go on every year. While they aren’t always predictable, they still happen in a certain order. As I’ve said before in a previous blog, sometimes the key to not getting stuck in the dysfunction of others is to realize that you can only do so much. I can’t fix your spouse, I can’t change the fact that you’re being bullied, I can’t personally guarantee that you’ll never feel depressed again. I’ve come to the realization that life isn’t about fixing people. It’s about laying out their choices and attempting to create an environment where they feel empowered to make the right choices. And when all else fails, respecting the fact that they are ultimately the decision maker and only intervening when it’s absolutely necessary. The interesting thing is that it’s often my job to intervene. Taking away someone’s rights to make their own decisions isn’t something that’s enjoyable but it’s required. Life would be so much better for a lot of people if they took the time to think before making decisions that lead to actions when they are extremely sad, angry, or tired. But that won’t change anytime soon and as my colleagues say, I guess it’s the ultimate job security. 

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Support vs. Sabotage

Lately I’ve been lacking motivation to work out consistently because sleep has been competing with work for my time. But that’s no excuse to not be active (or so I’m telling myself). For motivational (and curiosity) purposes I’ve been watching some of the show, “My 600lb Life.” It’s been very effective so far as a source of motivation for a healthy lifestyle.  There’s something about watching someone be lifted by a crane-like device that will have you making a conscious decision to  put down the junk food and go to the gym. One thing that I’m always looking at when I watch the show is the role of friends and family. Almost 100% they serve as enablers because they have to prepare the food to give to their family member who is bedridden because of their weight. There was one lady whose husband married her because she was bigger and he refused to support her weight loss despite the fact that she was unable to do anything due to her size. He still bought junk food and tried to make her eat it because he didn’t want her to lose weight. However, it was literally killing her and she wanted to be an active mother with their little girl instead of parenting from her bed. This caused an unbelievable amount of strain on the relationship as he continued to make snarky comments that were very hurtful about how she needed to gain more weight. The documentary ended with her deciding that she would take the verbal abuse for as long as she could before she would leave him. I doubt the marriage lasted long after filming because her husband had a very hard time adjusting to the new and more healthier her. I’ve actually seem this happen in couples where one partner decides to live a healthier lifestyle and it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back and the relationship disintegrates. The other partner isn’t happy and finds themselves with a different person than who they thought they married and they can’t reconcile the two. So more often than not they start an affair. That’s why it’s so great if both partners can be on the same page and change together. It rarely happens that way but it’s nice when it does because they can support each other. 

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Becoming Successful 

Not too long ago I ran across this intriguing article . You can read it for yourself here. Maybe it’s my background in therapy and couples counseling that made this article really grab my attention. The basic premise of this article is that the person you marry can determine whether or not you’re successful in life. I’ve seen this happen firsthand in my work with couples. You have the ambitious partner and then the one who wants their partner to spend more time with them. While they deserve to have the attention of their partner, they totally miss the concept of how to make their needs known without nagging or appearing needy. Meanwhile the ambitious partner doesn’t understand why this is an issue. They are working hard for the benefit of the family and in many cases also happen to be the partner who is either the primary breadwinner or the one who makes substantially more than their partner. There is a breakdown in communication because of the priorities of both partners and the lack of understanding on both sides. The article discusses a study done that showed that people who have conscientious partners tend to be happier, make more money, and are more satisfied in their careers. Makes sense to me. The key to all this is getting conscientious partner and more importantly, BEING a conscientious partner. This is something that a lot of people fail to think about when deciding to have a future with someone. There’s not usually a conversation between partners regarding expectations of the relationship and what each person prefers in terms of support. Two can definitely better than one but not when they aren’t on the same page.

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Stupid Girls (the warning in a song)

So I’ve posted about a few Jazmine Sullivan songs and I must say that this entire album (Reality Show) seems to get better every time I listen to it. Jazmine has a knack for making a song for every situation and this song is no different. In it, she admonishes women to be careful of men who try to play them and who see them as meaningless playthings. Jazmine alludes to the fact that she has had this experience and wants others to be warned an not to be “stupid girls.”Great song. Just a tad bit bitter though.