Tag Archives: marriage

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Choose a hell you can handle

Life is about choices. The small ones, medium ones and big ones. The decisions you made today can impact tomorrow in numerous ways. Errors of youth lead to lifetime consequences. Some of the major decisions you make in your life include who you marry, what you’ll do for a living, and who you will procreate with. Life includes suffering but oftentimes give you the opportunity to choose your hell. Making the wrong choice for you in any of these areas can be devastating. We see stories of people making quick decisions and regretting it later. The smaller decisions grow into bigger ones and have a compound effect on the trajectory of one’s life

CHECK OUT THE COMPOUND EFFECT

Having worked in Higher Education for the last 7 years and some change, I’ve had students who didn’t know what they wanted to do as a career. School offers a lot of opportunities but in order to make the most out of your education, you have to pick the right one. Getting a bachelors degree in anything that ends in an “-ology” pretty much means that you’ll need more education to get a high paying job. Of course there are exceptions but for the most part, it’s true. Sociology, biology, physiology, psychology, and anthropology are interesting to learn about, but just know that you’ll probably need more degrees after that. There are way too many people picking a major because it sounds cool instead of seeing it as a way to sustain themselves. I remember working in a hospital and one of the technicians had a masters degree — in poetry. He could not find a job within his field (Poetry) and due to the fact that he was an adult with bills, he was now leading check in groups and trying to reason with patients who were hallucinating. School is hard enough but coming out without any prospects for a decent paying salary? Not the greatest choice of hell.

Marriage was never initially supposed to be about love. It was about connection and alliances. It was a way to preserve wealth and ensure peace as people would arrange marriages across certain societal lines. These days, people still get married for many reasons but the one most people cite is the fact that they love each other. The sad reality is that we all are not meant to love the same person we build a life with. Love is great but it’s better when paired with logic, shared goals, and similar outlooks. You can love someone dearly but if they don’t want kids, they have an enmeshed family, or they struggle with being honest, you’ll be miserably in love with them. It’s not a dynamic that is sustainable long term and chances are that your kids will adversely be affected in some way from that relationship.

Having a kid with a wrong person is a different type of hell because there’s no going back. The kid is here. The choice has been made and you’re left to pick up the pieces. Trying to work with someone who doesn’t want to work with you and raising a child while not neglecting your own mental health is hard. It’s hard and difficult and can also qualify as suffering. Being in and out of court and fighting for your child to be supported financially by the other parent is a lot. Navigating family holidays with two people and potential significant others is a dynamic that is never envied. Maybe it’s not a great choice of hell.

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Average Joe is Above Average

One of my favorite pastimes is to watch televisions shows that people aren’t really talking about. And when I say people, I really just mean my timeline(s) on social media. It’s hard to get me interested in a series because it has to keep my attention over a long period of time. I like shows that are unpredictable with a lot of twists and turnes. Average Joe fit the bill.

I want to share why, but be warned there will be some slight spoiler alerts ahead. 

Average Joe is a television show about a plumber who lives in the South with his wife and daughter. His daughter has just started to date and is becoming more invested in her social circle. The first episode finds Joe dealing with the death of his father and the grief that comes along with having to settle his father’s estate. Joe is a stressed out man and it’s very

apparent within all the episodes. He’s just trying to do the right thing and keep food on the table for his family. He loves his wife, but he also wants to make a change in his life. The family is solidly middle class but like most families, they have some financial stressors that make it hard to get ahead. The most notable being that a member of Joe’s immediate family has an autoimmune disease that affects her ability to get around at times and it requires expensive medications to manage symptoms.

How it begins

Joe is minding his business when a quick turn of events within an hour turns his life upside down and makes him a wanted man. The situation is quickly complicated by the arrival of his best friend and the involvement of another friend who works in law enforcement. Without giving too much away, I can honestly say that each episode left me on the edge of my seat. There wasn’t a slow build like many thrillers have. The action started in the very first episode and it stayed that way for the entire series. 

As the show goes on, the intensity increases. Joe and his family have to leave their home because they fear for their lives and are trying to figure out their next moves. It’s interesting to watch Joe and his wife attempt to shield their daughter from the chaos until they discover that she has a significant role to play in finding a resolution. In many ways, the situation is a coming of age for her as she advocates for herself and tries to help her parents in the midst of a situation that seems impossible. Her parents give multiple directions and directives to her and she ignores many of them in true teenage fashion.

One thing I liked was that the supporting cast was solid

Each person had their own role to play and the power of working together was highlighted. Life rarely happens as expected and fiction mimics reality. There were so many ups and downs but I found myself rooting for Joe in each episode because his heart was in the right place. Needless to say, there are multiple storylines that make this show more intriguing. One particularly interesting one is the relationship between Joe and his best friend. We are able to see some of the nuances of relationships, the temptation of greed and how it can affect the ones closest to us. 

All in all, it was a show I’d recommend watching if you like murder mysteries and being surprised. I give it an 8/10 for originality. Check it out sometime.

AVERAGE JOE SEASON ONE

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Easier vs. Better

As hard as it is to hear, I’m at a place in my life where I want to hear the truth. While I know it’s not always comfortable and that I can end up being a bit hurt at times, it still beats alternative of being lied to. Lies can just be more convenient and appear to be the best option. However, in the long run, it’s generally a bad idea to build your life or make decisions based on untruths. Like most people, I strongly dislike being mislead and I’d rather know something than not knowing something.

So enter relationships. The romantic sort. They can be messy, complicated and very emotionally taxing. We’ve all seen couples where we were secretly hoping that they would recognize their lack of compatibility and just part ways. It was toxic from day one and just continued to go downhill from the moment they decided to form a “trauma bond” and be in romantic relationship. It’s a relationship that makes us all happy that we aren’t in their shoes and having to make the same decisions.

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

And then there are the rare exceptions to normality in a positive direction that leave us all dumbfounded (I think that’s a word). They seem to be in sync on everything and against all odds appear to be consistently happy together for months and years at a time. Their relationship appears to be a good partnership and both people are blissfully in love, in like, and in life together. A rarity indeed. It’s a reminder to us all that it’s a beautiful thing to have a trusted life companion. The reality flipside is that for many of us, our romantic relationships fall into the “normal” box. We have our general frustrations and bones to pick. But we’ve decided that we’re going to try to make it work because it makes sense for now and overall, the outcome has been positive.

Every relationship has a culture and this can be different and varied depending on the people involved in said relationship. There’s good and bad times, ups and downs and in-between moments. Life with someone takes compromise, communication, trust and honesty. We can veer off course but eventually through time and understanding and applying relationship skills like the ones that are outlined in this workbook, we find our way back to our partner. It’s not easy to think about someone else all the time because your decisions affect them. Conversations can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings that require humility and effort to resolve. We don’t always get our way. However, for many, having a relationship doesn’t make their life easier, but it makes it better. We like the fact that there’s someone to come home to and there’s an emergency contact outside of friends and family that actually cares. We have a person that will listen and support in a way that only someone who knows us well can do.

It’s an interesting concept to consider the whole idea of better vs. easier. I think many times we have to make decisions that require us to sacrifice one for the other. What’s better generally isn’t easier and what’s easier generally isn’t better. Of course there are exceptions but those don’t necessarily apply to relationships and interactions with others. We make decisions based on what we hope the outcome will be and wish for the best. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

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From Scratch the series

Recently (well a few weeks ago), I watched the Netflix series From Scratch. So first and foremost I need to acknowledge that it’s been out for a while but I finally had some time to watch. For those who haven’t watched it yet, this post will include some spoilers so you can stop here if you haven’t had the opportunity quite yet. A few things. First, the scenery and setting was beautiful. I found myself reminiscing on my trips to Italy and wishing that I had another one booked. It’s a beautiful and unique country and the food is amazing. I loved the fact that the story was true to life and I’ve heard that it was actually based on a true story. Family is important and the fact that the main character took the time to learn Italian and connect with her in-laws despite their resistance led to them embracing her and including her in their will. It was a beautiful love story of a couple who made it work even when faced with so many challenges. Family members flew in from around the country in order to provide support and everyone came together in a way that was beautiful and personified what it means to have a true family unit. They had their differences but at the end of the day they were united by their love of their daughter, sister, and granddaughter. It was a such a tear jerker and I found myself being glad that I didn’t have anything else scheduled for the day because my eyes were red and puffy. It’s an emotional roller coaster–which life is at times. I particularly loved the ending where the main character had to think about her daughter and create a new normal that included honoring the memory of her spouse. She demonstrated so much resiliency even in the midst of the most tragic event. Overall, I think that main message of the movies was about the resiliency of the human spirit and the ability we have to find some beauty in the midst of unspeakable tragedy.

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Taking inventory

After years of waiting and hoping I finally got into a relationship with long term potential about a year ago and things are going well. The thing that has been surprising is how different my expectations were from reality. I work with black women who have educational and financial standards for their future boyfriend or spouse and honestly I used to be one of them. No one wants to be in a relationship and do worse financially then they were before. However, in the past year I’ve learned more about some of the intangibles that mean more than what a guy makes or his level of education. Women can easily get caught up in what a man does instead of evaluating who he is. One thing is significantly less obvious than the other. Dating a project isn’t about trying to rehabilitate a man but it’s not the same as supporting a man who has a clear path and plan for the future. Many times the past is a great indicator of the future. Instead of asking about a five year plan, it’s better to ask a man about a five year plan he’s has in the past and what year he’s in presently. It’s easy have aspirations but it’s much hard to put in the work to manifest them. If a man is serious his actions will show it. Giving you a girlfriend label doesn’t indicate he’s serious. Is he applying for jobs to move closer to you? Has he given you his timeline for moving in together? Is he introducing you to his circle of friends? These are all indications that there’s a good chance he’s sees a future with you. Women are quick to complain that a man has wasted their time but in reality they have wasted their own time because they weren’t being held hostage and they got committed too soon without verifying that the other person wanted the same thing. Taking inventory means that you understand where you are in your life and you intentionally choose to make decisions that align with your long term goals.

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Building emotional connection

I ran into this picture and thought that it was a great idea to utilize for couples who just want to try something different to build their relationship and emotional connection. It’s more ideal for partners who live together but anything can be modified for social distancing or living apart. Happy June!

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Post-Valentine’s Day

I’ve always been somewhat of a hopeless romantic. I love the idea of a grand gesture for the holiday where someone declares their undying love and affection. This year has been pretty low key but also better than previous years. I spent quality time with my significant other without the hassle of trying to outdo anyone or prove that the actions of one day are an indication of the level of commitment of both partners. I saw a slew of v-day posts on social media and this year I was particularly annoyed with the amount of meaningless advice that attached women posted and addressed directly to “single women.” The “wait and see” approach to finding a significant other is outdated and is rarely ever effective. One thing that I’ve learned is the importance of letting go of comparisons to other relationships. Everyone is different and there’s not a “one size fits all” approach to relationships. It’s important to build your relationship the way that you and your partner want it. Create your own personal definition of fidelity and commitment through discussion with your partner and be ok with the fact that it may look different than other relationships. There’s too much at stake to not be honest with yourself about what you want and what you expect from a partner.

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Shared outcomes

There’s a lot that’s been going on and lately I’ve been thinking about the importance of compatibility in a romantic context. I’ve always been someone that hated the small talk part of getting to know someone. I’d rather ask deep personal questions that one should never ask on a first date that tend to illicit an awkward reaction. One of the most important compatibility aspects is the fact that both partners have shared outcomes. While they may not share the same favorite color or food, their values and life goals are compatible. They are on the same page about monogamy (or the lack of it), life philosophy, and other important big picture stuff. It gives them something to bond over and talk about because they’re on the same page and they see similar things in the future. Having increased positive interactions can help them in dealing with the everyday relationship stresses. It’s not always glamorous, but compatibility on a deep level works wonders for relationships success.

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Course Correction

I’ve been attempting to write a bit more consistently and it’s been quite a challenge. One thing that has been interesting for me has been the recent increase in working with couples as a therapist. It is such a different vibe than seeing a person by themselves or a family as a whole. A spouse/partner can be your best friend or worst enemy and a lot of things in between. One thing that many of my clients have in common is the fact that they failed to make the small changes that would have helped them to avoid the major issues that came up. They grew apart over the course of months and years and they became so comfortable with avoiding meaningful communication that the other individual has become a stranger. But the truth is that you can’t undo years of damage overnight; there’s too much disconnection and both people have been going in different directions. It’s in those times that a major course correction is necessary. One of the things that I’ve learned is it the importance of making minor course corrections when they are still minor. Checking in, talking about tough stuff, and making time for each other are some of the things that have to be done intentionally because it can be easy to lose sight of the big picture and take your partner for granted. Developing healthy communication patterns and fighting respectfully and effectively while remaining emotionally connected is a narrow tightrope to walk on. However, the things that are worthwhile are worth doing well. Great relationships don’t happen haphazardly. They are maintained through intentional effort, time, and emotional connection.

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Couples Stuff

One thing that I enjoy doing (at least most of the time) is working with couples. It’s a different dynamic than individual counseling and there are a lot of moving pieces. I was reflecting on how long I have been doing therapy and I realized that it’s been almost 8 years since I’ve started. Over the years I have started to notice patterns and the process has become more intuitive as opposed to theory. I like encouraging couples to build a new relationship and helping them to negotiate new rules and guidelines. They have the opportunity to ask questions and to be intentional about building something that provides each partner with a sense of security. It’s rarely straightforward but there’s nothing like witnessing an “aha” moment when things start to come together. It’s stressful to hold all the emotions in one place but I have learned that it is important to compartmentalize and to take breaks when needed. Many times couples get together without truly knowing what role they want the relationship to play in their individual lives. It’s up to each couples to establish a new normal and to find something that works for each partner.