Tag Archives: life

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Finding Smart People

I really really like smart people. In the world that we live in, individuality is said to be celebrated and appreciated. However, we still (and maybe unknowingly) look down on or despise people who do not fit into our molds of what they should be like. History tells us that the people who accomplish the most and succeeded tend to be those who think outside the box and aren’t afraid to challenge the social and societal norms of their time. So many people are taught to fit in from an early age. They are encouraged to do well in school, get along with their peers, graduate from a decent college after wasting freshman year partying, find a good job, marry, work some more, and die. I have witness so many older adults approaching 20-somethings and asking them if they in school and if not, they are somehow wasting their lives away. While I can’t image my life without a significant amount of stress about my education and schoolwork, I recognize that the traditional route isn’t for everyone and in reality, it shouldn’t be. Over the past few weeks, I have had the opportunity to listen to people who are extremely intelligent. But in addition to being intelligent, they are able to convey their thoughts and ideas in a way that is extremely clear. While these individuals may not have degrees, they have adopted the mindset of being a lifelong learner. While I try not to divide the people I know into categories based on my perceptions of their intelligence, I have learned that you can’t have all conversations with all people. It just doesn’t work out that way. It’s extremely hard, if not impossible to have a conversation with someone about a topic that they know absolutely nothing about. This doesn’t mean that they’re not intelligent, it just means that they have a different point of reference. The deer in the headlights look in the middle of a conversation is usually a hint to change the topic. This is the point in my post where I insert some inspirational quote about eagles not hanging with chickens. To be clear, I think that we can learn a lot from the people around us. However, you won’t ever stretch your mind if you’re the smartest person in your group of friends and you know it. People who know what they are talking about and are aware of the world around them are more sought out than those who don’t. Point blank. Find someone smarter than you and be their friend. You’ll learn a lot.

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Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy

So this song has been pretty popular the past couple of months. There’s a rumor that Pharrell tried numerous times to get this concept off the ground before the movie actually picked it up. The song is super catchy and the music video(s) involve people singing and dancing to the song at all hours of the day and night. There’s a website that plays the music video 24/7 and you can also watch it in one hour increments. While I am someone who gets easily annoyed after the first 5 minutes of a song (with the exception of classical music), I’ve actually listened to three hours of this song over and over again. We all know people who appear to be happy all the time. I don’t know anyone who actually IS happy all of the time (unless they are happily psychotic, but that really doesn’t count). While songs like this would traditionally be way too “happy” for me, it’s a song that can put you in a better mood. Despite the fact that in no way am I a poster child for being in a constant state of euphoric happiness, I’ve learned to genuinely enjoy and appreciate the moments where happiness sneaks up on me and surprises me. This song just talks about being happy without there being an apparent reason. Great concept. Good melody. Pharrell made a great song that embodies a feeling that most people want to have, and, (totally unrelated), he does NOT look 40.

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No New Friends

Many of us are familiar with the lyrics to this popular song. Along with a catchy hook, the song embodies a sentiment that many people would agree with. The artist in this song repeats the three words “no new friends” over and over again. Great friendships aren’t made overnight. Have you ever met someone and within a matter of minutes they have already decided that they are your best friend? One of the most annoying experiences ever. I think that the best friendships and relationships have stood the test of time. They involve people who you have known forever–or you’ve gone through so many experiences together that it feel like forever. Many people have a “core” group of friends who they keep up with. One thing that I have learned is that many times people who have a “no new friends” mentality actually make the best friends. This is because they tend to be fiercely loyal because they don’t have many reasons not to be. People who have had good friends for long periods of time tend to be more comfortable with themselves and also more likely to refuse to be drawn into superficial and surface relationships. At least in my opinion. There’s more genuineness and authenticity when someone isn’t looking for a friend for the sheer reason that they feel they need one. Friendships have to develop and grow and sometimes people don’t want to be bothered with the process of meeting someone and building a relationship with them. In my opinion, I don’t think that having a lot of friends is necessary because quality is more important than quantity. It’s easier to be yourself and comfortable with people who know you well and who you have known for years. Having a “no new friends” mentality is somewhat of a luxury because it implies that you actually have old friends and are still close to them. Getting out of your comfort zone and doing something different often means that you have to let go of a “no new friends” mentality and just meet and get to know new people. Not the “funnest” thing ever, but definitely necessary. However, now having any new friends actually works for some people. They’re comfortable that way and they don’t want to change. I don’t blame them. If something isn’t broken, there is no reason to fix it. At least most of the time.

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Car Wash

Like millions of people everywhere, I own a car. I know people who have names for their main mode of transportation. They baby their cars and have them washed and detailed on a weekly basis. I’m not one of those people. Ever since I can remember, I’ve hated car washes. I can remember my parents singing to me to keep me from crying when I was little. While I don’t cry hysterically as my car is being doused in soap in water, I do sing at the top of my lungs to distract myself from the fact that I am trapped in a moving vehicle in less than ideal conditions. And just in case you’re wondering, this post does not end with some profound thoughts or wisdom related to car washes and daily life. No, I have not figured out why I don’t like car washes. It’s probably attached to some bad experience hidden in my subconscious. I endure them when I must and consequently my car is currently in need of a good washing. Basically my point in saying all that is to say this: being comfortable and being safe are two different things. As a therapist, I’m pushing people out of their comfort zones and challenging them to change their behaviors and thought patterns. That’s uncomfortable. But simultaneously, I’m also creating a safe space for them to be themselves and to not be judged for their weaknesses while they are figuring out the next step. That’s safety. While I am extremely uncomfortable being trapped in a car with water and soap splashing everywhere, I’m still (relatively) safe. Plus, the end product is a cleaner looking car. Similar to the way that being emotionally vulnerable ( a.k.a. uncomfortable) can have good results.

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Black History and Buck

First off, I need to keep this post brief. Procrastination is a silent killer. Enough said.  One of the things that I like to do in the month of February is to go to an event for Black History Month. Definitely easier said than done. At least out here where I live. Finding quality events that fit my schedule but also are interesting and don’t waste my time is something that I try to do. Last year, I went to a spoken word event and it was pretty decent. The best part was that it was only ten minutes away from my house. But I digress. While by no means am I someone who is qualified to give “the black perspective,” as I was often called upon in graduate school to do, I do think that there are certain challenges that come with being black in America. I’m going to make a quick detour and say that I really strongly dislike the term “African American.” It’s annoying. And quite frankly, I’m not from Africa and neither are my parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents. I have some theories about how this term is used as a social construct but that’s totally not the topic at hand. There are certain rare occasions where I get the opportunity to listen to a speaker that is genuine, engaging, young, ambitious, articulate, and has exceptional communication skills. MK Asante is one of those people. He’s one of the best speakers I’ve heard because he has the ability to paint exquisite skillful pictures with words. And he does it in a way that has the right combination of his education and life experiences that give him the ability to relate to his audience. The fact that he became a college professor at age 23 and is now tenured is amazing.  Needless to say, it was great listening to him today. I bought his book, “Buck” and read it cover to cover in about two hours. I’m not easily impressed with books but after reading it I can honestly say that it’s one of the best memoirs that I’ve read. An honest depiction of the good, bad and ugly with moments of vulnerability and raw emotion is what makes this book so good. This book draws you in and keeps your attention because Asante walks you through his life in such a way that makes you feel as if you’re not only a silent observer, but that you have an invested interest in his success. Definitely a great read that was made even better by hearing the writer before I read the book.

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Changes and Challenges

So today I started a new job. Not a hustle or on a “as needed” basis, but a real job. It’s something that I’ve (halfway) actively pursuing since early last year. While I’m excited about new opportunities, I’m also hesitant. I love flexibility but it’s time to have something resembling security with health insurance and a 401K. I’ve met so many people who settle for a “regular” job, they put in their hours, go home, raise a family, take a vacation once a year, retire, and die. Not a bad plan, but definitely not for me. This job is not where I want to be for the rest of my life. It’s a means to an end. And if I have to sacrifice by waking up early EVERY morning in order to get stuff done and to meet my goals, so be it. I’m not a morning person but I’ll be one because what I want to be as a professional is bigger than pushing the snooze button on my alarm clock. There’s a saying that says one has to be willing to do what others won’t do in order to get what others won’t get. In my case, getting a regular job is doing what others are doing. However, my special twist is that I’m also pairing it with three additional jobs and an increasingly challenging doctoral program. With the end goal of being in a very very good professional place by the time I’m 25. The biggest challenge will definitely be balance and making sure that I don’t get in my own way. I’ve made some hard choices and there are plenty more to come. But, as I tell my clients, settling feels good for the moment but you never get any lasting results. Being deliberate and planning takes time, effort, and sacrifice but it sure beats waking up one morning and realizing that you’ve wasted your life. At least in my opinion.

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Something to think about….

So I saw this picture and it immediately grabbed my attention. I thought about how many times I had gone out of my way for people who may have been “wrong.” I know of many people who have regretted things they did for people who ended up betraying them in the end. While I firmly believe that there are a lot of people out there who should never ever be trusted, walking about super paranoid and guarded may not be the best plan of action either. Many times we are taught from childhood to put others before ourselves and to share and not be selfish. However, we aren’t taught that discernment and caution should sometimes accompany unselfishness and sharing. Doing the right things for the wrong people can make you miss out on all the right people around you. And honestly, you might actually end up regretting it.

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My Favorite Non-Optimistic Song

I’m somewhat of a music nerd that occasionally holds personal emotional listening parties in which I listen to music that depicts the emotion that I’m feeling. Happy, sad, angry, content, tired, or even annoyed. I think that most people have a go-to song that they use for motivation. Athletes sometimes even have a certain playlist of songs that they play before they have to go out on the field in order to get them into the mindset they need. This song is my absolute favorite song for when I’m feeling overwhelmed or upset and I want some empathy and also motivation. This song is perfect for me. I think that we’ve all had a “you can’t win” day. It’s a part of life. Whenever I have a day like that, I play this song and I instantly feel better. While the message of the song may not be the most optimistic, it’s a great depiction of how I feel when everything is going wrong. There’s no “everything will be ok” feel to this song but despite this, I still find it to be encouraging. We live in an uncertain world and sometimes life throws us curveballs that require us to regroup and adapt to unexpected changes. I like this song because it doesn’t pull any punches. There’s no rosy assertion that the sun will come out tomorrow. It’s pretty blunt. And sometimes that’s nice to hear when you’re upset or frustrated. It’s just an acknowledgment of how you feel. For me, it’s just a therapeutic intervention that never fails to cheer me up and helps me feel a little better on those days where nothing goes right.

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We Want Pre-Nup!

I was speaking with someone today and we were talking about the state of marriage in the world we live in. The truth is that prenuptial agreements have become more popular because of the rising divorce rates. While I’ve heard conflicting arguments about the rightness or wrongness of having one, I have to say that I believe that for certain couples a prenuptial agreement is a necessity. Think of it this way, we buy insurance for our houses and our cars. Most of us wear a seatbelt when we drive. While insurance and seat belts are something that we hope we never have to use, they certainly come in handy when your safety or security is threatened. In the event of an accident, the terms of the insurance policy that you paid for and agreed to come into play. You can save money and emotional distress because of the preparation that you’ve made for a rainy day. Prenuptial agreements are insurance for your marriage. While many may argue that getting one means that you plan on getting a divorce, I don’t agree. The truth is that people change and you never know what the future may bring. Getting a divorce is usually stressful, time-consuming, and exhausting. It’s also usually very emotionally charged because it signifies the deterioration of a once close relationship. Taking the time to create and sign a prenuptial agreement can be helpful in reducing stress and also may prevent you from (for lack of a better term) getting screwed over by someone who now probably does not have your best interest at heart. Pre-nups between people who are equally poor or broke may not be as important as pre-nups between individuals who have considerable assets and who may have waited until their careers were stable to get married. With more people getting married at older ages and later in their careers, I think that a pre-nup is a good idea. You don’t want to work hard, get married, go through a divorce and have to fight tooth and nail for what you worked hard for. You don’t plan to ever use your insurance but you sure are glad you have it when something unexpected occurs. Just because you’re prepared doesn’t mean that you’re expecting something bad to occur. I believe in hoping for the best while preparing for the worst–especially as it pertains to marriage and pre-nups. It never hurts to have some insurance.