There’s nothing like a good series and Black Cake definitely fit the bill. I had heard good things about the show but I decided to wait until the hype and spoilers went down a bit. I was hooked from the first episode. First off, I didn’t read the book so I didn’t have any reference point for the plot. I came to it completely unaware of what exactly to expect and I was in for a treat. I won’t share too much, but if you don’t want any spoilers, this may not be the right place for you.
It’s rare to see shows that follow a person through their entire life. However, the show begins at the end of a woman’s life and then goes backwards. But it all begins with a secret that begins to take a life of its own as the series continues. It’s a story of resiliency and also regret because hindsight is 20/20. We follow a young girl through a series of unfortunate events and relocation to another country. She has to create a new life and eventually reconnects to a part of her past that integrates with her new identity.
One underlying theme in the series is the importance of family and also friends who become family. Eleanor’s children are quickly thrust into the reality of the fact that their mother is different from who they’ve known her to be. They hear in her own words the story of her past as they deal with complicated grief and the arrival of a relative they didn’t know existed. The theme of the show is that secrets can do more harm than good. Shielding someone from the truth is only beneficial in specific situations.
The show was unpredictable and it held my attention. The storyline was unique and I thought the acting was good. The best thing about the series as a whole was that there was a happy ending. It’s one of those things that you don’t know you need until you have it. The series finale was satisfying and provided some closure to the questions that emerged in previous episodes. So, if you’re looking for a fulfilling one season show with a nice ending, check out Black Cake.
In todays tech driven world, online dating has emerged as an avenue for meeting romantic partners. These days when you’re asking a couple how they met, the usual answer is typically that they met online in same way. And even if they didn’t meet online, there’s a good chance that the initial romantic interest was communicated through a comment or a private message on social media. However, beyond the seemingly simple act of swiping lies a complex landscape filled with hurdles and intricacies. There are unspoken rules that accompany the dating experience and the chance of rejection is quite high. But what can we do about it? People say they want love, but those same people are often the first to dip out when adversity arrives. The words sound good but the follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
One significant obstacle in online dating is the dilemma posed by having many options. With an array of dating apps and platforms, the abundance of choices can feel overwhelming. Constant swipes and clicks seem to raise the level of difficulty in finding someone who is relatively well adjusted and (dare I say it?) sane. Amidst a sea of profiles and potential matches, people often find it challenging to distinguish connections from interactions. Messages go unread for hours and days at time and initial interactions frequently are laid to rest in the DM’s. Additionally, the temptation to seek out something a click away can lead to a cycle of perpetual dissatisfaction and uncertainty. It’s almost like a gambling high of sorts. You go into a casino and you sit down at a slot machine. You play the game and as soon as you win, you want to know if you could possibly win more so you keep playing instead of cashing out. It can be an endless cycle that leads to financial ruin, or in this case, a lot of frustration and possible heartbreak. But, at the end of the day, you want to put your best foot forward and show up as attractively as possible.
Another prevalent issue in dating is the veil of anonymity it provides. People can make up fake names and personas that have nothing to do with the life that they live on a daily basis. Shielded behind screens, individuals can create constructed representations of themselves that showcases an idealized version while concealing vulnerabilities and imperfections. The idea of presenting oneself as flawless can lead to doubt and disappointment as people struggle with the contrast, between their personas and real life interactions. We can have a gut feeling when someone is immediately evasive and seems to be giving very short answers to questions that are open ended. Additionally the anonymity provided by platforms can encourage individuals to behave manipulatively making it even more challenging to establish genuine connections. We may want a long term partnership, but we also don’t want to be the subject of a reality crime show. It’s a situation that tends to lend itself to some degree of paranoia. Side note: It’s never a bad idea to video chat with someone prior to meeting them in a public place. Safety first.
In a society that values gratification and quick outcomes, online dating promotes the idea of effortless romance. You can easily get sucked into the idea that your soulmate is merely swipes away and there might be some truth to that. People rarely make the effort to introduce themselves to someone in public anymore. Gone are the days when someone asks you out on a date after seeing you randomly in a grocery store. The storybook random encounter interaction is now officially solely the plot of a Hallmark movie with no basis in reality. The ease of browsing through profiles and exchanging messages swiftly can create expectations and impatience. However, the path to discovering relationships is often filled with obstacles, setbacks and false starts.
Online dating also exposes people to the challenges of feeling rejected. The superficial nature of swipe based platforms can trigger feelings of inadequacy and self doubt as individuals are constantly judged based on their appearance and desirability. You don’t get to ask questions about why you were rejected. It’s like an unknown answer that can quickly grow from a seed of anxiety into a plant. Furthermore, behaviors like ghosting or breadcrumbing in dating norms can leave you feeling disposable and unappreciated. You feel a little bit more of your self esteem slip away with yet another person ghosting you for an unknown reason. The fear of rejection often overshadows the pursuit of connections and closeness.
Getting to know someone can be fun, but that doesn’t mean that dating is 100% fun. It’s a journey that’s filled with uncertainties, frustration, complexity, and sometimes just plain old luck. But if you win, you’ve hit it big.
As hard as it is to hear, I’m at a place in my life where I want to hear the truth. While I know it’s not always comfortable and that I can end up being a bit hurt at times, it still beats alternative of being lied to. Lies can just be more convenient and appear to be the best option. However, in the long run, it’s generally a bad idea to build your life or make decisions based on untruths. Like most people, I strongly dislike being mislead and I’d rather know something than not knowing something.
So enter relationships. The romantic sort. They can be messy, complicated and very emotionally taxing. We’ve all seen couples where we were secretly hoping that they would recognize their lack of compatibility and just part ways. It was toxic from day one and just continued to go downhill from the moment they decided to form a “trauma bond” and be in romantic relationship. It’s a relationship that makes us all happy that we aren’t in their shoes and having to make the same decisions.
And then there are the rare exceptions to normality in a positive direction that leave us all dumbfounded (I think that’s a word). They seem to be in sync on everything and against all odds appear to be consistently happy together for months and years at a time. Their relationship appears to be a good partnership and both people are blissfully in love, in like, and in life together. A rarity indeed. It’s a reminder to us all that it’s a beautiful thing to have a trusted life companion. The reality flipside is that for many of us, our romantic relationships fall into the “normal” box. We have our general frustrations and bones to pick. But we’ve decided that we’re going to try to make it work because it makes sense for now and overall, the outcome has been positive.
Every relationship has a culture and this can be different and varied depending on the people involved in said relationship. There’s good and bad times, ups and downs and in-between moments. Life with someone takes compromise, communication, trust and honesty. We can veer off course but eventually through time and understanding and applying relationship skills like the ones that are outlined in this workbook, we find our way back to our partner. It’s not easy to think about someone else all the time because your decisions affect them. Conversations can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings that require humility and effort to resolve. We don’t always get our way. However, for many, having a relationship doesn’t make their life easier, but it makes it better. We like the fact that there’s someone to come home to and there’s an emergency contact outside of friends and family that actually cares. We have a person that will listen and support in a way that only someone who knows us well can do.
It’s an interesting concept to consider the whole idea of better vs. easier. I think many times we have to make decisions that require us to sacrifice one for the other. What’s better generally isn’t easier and what’s easier generally isn’t better. Of course there are exceptions but those don’t necessarily apply to relationships and interactions with others. We make decisions based on what we hope the outcome will be and wish for the best. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
Today makes 10 years since I finished my graduate school education. I remember how excited and optimistic I was for the future. I had gone straight from college into graduate school and even though my program was only a year long, it represented a major change. For the first time in my life I lived in a place where I didn’t know anyone and I couldn’t drive to my parents house on a whim. I had to adjust to living alone and creating my own community. The experience set the tone for my professional specialties of relationship therapy, religious trauma and career planning. I knew even then that I wanted to keep on learning and grow as a therapist. Ten years later I can say that I’m a lot more comfortable talking to clients and providing them with some value for their time and resources. I still enjoy helping people and finding solutions. Regardless of where my career goes next, I know I have a good foundation and a better sense of who I am—both personally and professionally.
It’s rare these days that I watch a movie in one sitting and this one was no exception. I found myself watching it over the period of a few days in between my other work obligations. I was a teenager when I read Redeeming Love the book and it was a lot to sit with. I remember thinking that the parental/adult themes warning was legitimate even though it was a sold as a Christian book. Watching the movie reminded me of the whole idea of purity culture and the lack of options many women experienced during the early pioneer/Gold Rush days. The movie was an adaptation of the book which was a more modern day adaptation of a bible story about a man who was told by God to marry a woman of the night. Of course in the movie the “street” was a brothel but you get the general idea. In theory the idea was that the girl was rescued from a life of abuse and given a home in the country with a loving husband. However, she didn’t want to be there and wasn’t interested in any type of romantic relationship. The story had a “happy” ending with her realizing that she loved him and that he had never moved on from losing her. All in all, I can see understand the intended story of redemption but it came across in the movies as extremely manipulative. There was a lack of choice that was appalling because the main character of the story didn’t want to be a wife. She had no interest in the man but he still “bought” her and took her away from all she had ever known. Change can happen but you can’t “save” someone who doesn’t want to be saved and has no interest in what you’re offering.
I’ve set an intention (as I typically do) to write more frequently. While I see the upcoming new year as a start, I thought that it would be good to try to get a head start on creating the habit. Over the years, I’ve done a lot of reading and research on religious trauma which translated in to presenting at several conferences, writing an article, and creating a mini-course. Religion is one of those things that can bring value and meaning to life. It influences the way that people see themselves and see the world. However, it can also be used as a weapon and inflict emotional wounds that are difficult to move past from. I think that there’s a need for more conversations around how to successfully navigate and integrate the values from that you were taught with the knowledge gained through experiences. Oftentimes, those two things aren’t congruent and are perceived as clashing; but in reality, our past experiences shape who we become in one way or another.
While technically Valentine’s Day is over, I was reminded today while scrolling social media of all the years that I wanted to be in a relationship. While that goal was accomplished last year, it’s been interesting how much less the holiday means after being shown love and kindness throughout the other 364 days of the year. There were a lot of sad people today who spent the day alone or with people that they may not have genuinely cared about or loved. Relationships are so much more than what happens in a 24 hour period. While I love grand gestures and gifts, I’ve come to a deeper appreciation for the small meaningful things that make life easier. Being able to delegate difficult tasks, having a friend I can talk to, requesting an occasional foot rub are all things that at one point in my life I never expected to have. As I’ve continued to work with couples, I’m reminded of the importance of consistency in relationships. Trust and commitment don’t happen overnight. They both are traits that are cultivated through time and energy and many people don’t make the investment that is necessary for success. When something is important to you, you make time for it and ensure that it is a priority. Taking the time to water your own grass (figuratively) and invest in the health of your relationship will reap benefits. Just make sure you’re with the right person.
After years of waiting and hoping I finally got into a relationship with long term potential about a year ago and things are going well. The thing that has been surprising is how different my expectations were from reality. I work with black women who have educational and financial standards for their future boyfriend or spouse and honestly I used to be one of them. No one wants to be in a relationship and do worse financially then they were before. However, in the past year I’ve learned more about some of the intangibles that mean more than what a guy makes or his level of education. Women can easily get caught up in what a man does instead of evaluating who he is. One thing is significantly less obvious than the other. Dating a project isn’t about trying to rehabilitate a man but it’s not the same as supporting a man who has a clear path and plan for the future. Many times the past is a great indicator of the future. Instead of asking about a five year plan, it’s better to ask a man about a five year plan he’s has in the past and what year he’s in presently. It’s easy have aspirations but it’s much hard to put in the work to manifest them. If a man is serious his actions will show it. Giving you a girlfriend label doesn’t indicate he’s serious. Is he applying for jobs to move closer to you? Has he given you his timeline for moving in together? Is he introducing you to his circle of friends? These are all indications that there’s a good chance he’s sees a future with you. Women are quick to complain that a man has wasted their time but in reality they have wasted their own time because they weren’t being held hostage and they got committed too soon without verifying that the other person wanted the same thing. Taking inventory means that you understand where you are in your life and you intentionally choose to make decisions that align with your long term goals.
I was having a conversation the other day with a woman who was at a crossroads in her life. She had focused on her career and had finally come to the realization that she wanted to have a husband and children. The challenge is that the made the decision in her 50s. Now, I know the whole cliche about how you get wiser as you age and the fact that age isn’t anything but a number. However, the rules are different when trying to find a significant other after a certain age. Chances are that a younger woman has a better chance of getting married and having a family than someone who is middle aged. It’s not necessarily fair but it’s reality. I remember the decision I made to focus on my career and while I didn’t regret it, I also realized that it wasn’t what I wanted to focus on long term. The relationship that I’m in right now is the result of a conscious decision to grow personally so that I could be my best self in a relationship. I’m glad that my focus has shifted because it’s been valuable in defining what’s important to me and how I want my life to be moving forward. A lot of changes have occurred and I’m looking forward to what is next.
Grief is one of those things that can be complicated. While I’ve never sought formal training in being a grief coach or a grief therapist, it’s something that I’ve experienced in my years of practice. I’ve worked in hospice settings and in many hospitals where anticipatory grieving and grieving after a loved one has passed happened frequently. But there’s a significant level of less understanding for people who have lost a pet. Pet (especially dogs) are extensions of our families. My dog Sam was with me from high school all the way up until I finished my doctorate. He was a companion, pain in the butt, loyal friend, and a good listener. He didn’t have any safety awareness and tended to run up to cars instead of away. While he was brave in biting bigger dogs, his 13lb body shook from fear when there was a thunderstorm close by. He hated to have his paws touched but loved to find an empty lap to jump on and sleep. Overall, he was fairly mellow and didn’t have the explosive constant energy that was indicative of his breed. He usually slept through the night but on some occasions he wanted to go out every hour on the hour. Even after a year of him being gone I still miss him but I appreciate all the memories that I have of him. If there’s a doggie heaven I hope we’ll meet again.
Alisha's Angle 