Independence and doing your own thing is something that is valued in many different circles. Single people are told and advised to stay single for as long as humanly possible and enjoy their “season of freedom.” Not too long ago I went on a date where the guy told me numerous times how I was weird and how badly he wanted my life because I travel a lot. Not the greatest thing but I digress. The world is still geared towards couples. From tax breaks to more respect and credibility for others, it’s a good time to be in a relationship. Even travel packages cost you almost twice as much when you travel by yourself. It’s an inconvenient expense that could easily be remedied. Millions of dollars worth of books, CD’s, and DVD’s have been bought giving remedies and steps on how to be a happy and whole single person. The mantra that you have to be ok with yourself before being with someone else is debate-able. I’m not against working out personal issues but it can also be done within a relationship. It’s going to be hard either way. I’m not downing the single life because it definitely has it’s perks at times but there’s something to be said about being able to take advantage of the tax breaks, two for one deals and travel packages that comes along with having a significant other. While these things can be done with friends, it’s still a different dynamic. Must I carry all my groceries up three flights of stairs all the time? Small insignificant but also significant details make you realize how life experiences could change with the presence of a consistent significant other.
Tag Archives: women
Retiring a Discussion
I ran across this article pretty recently and it quickly caught my interest. I’ve included a link here . I’ve seen seminars, books, webinars, and programs all addressing this topic. So many people (both men and women) claim to have the magic formula and list their own love story as the proof that their way works. This article was specifically addressing a Black women as a group. Between the interpersonal cues, relationship coaching, speed dating, and other means of “catching” a significant other. The article challenges that thought behind the idea that a woman’s life should be defined by her relationship status. But let’s face it, unmarried women who don’t have kids aren’t typically looked upon with the same level of respect as career women who are married and raising their kids and balancing it all in a (seemingly) effortless manner. The article highlights the fact that shame is often a part of the internal narrative of black women and explored how one’s relationship status can contribute to levels of shame. That thought made me wonder how many products and advertisements are targeted to someone’s level of shame. Products that are marketed in a way that make you feel inadequate unless you become a consumer of the product. Very thought provoking read.
V-Day
So the most hated and loved holiday is once again upon us. As fate would have it, this particular holiday falls on a weekend so there’s plenty of opportunity for all the salty people to post their thoughts on this commercialized show of affection. Emotions can be high on both sides but this year I get to greet the holiday with a massive dose of indifference. Finally. While I would love to attribute this to a paradigm shift and a change of perspective, that isn’t the case. I’m just exhausted from working a lot of night shifts and have other important things to focus on. The whole “woe is me” and telling everyone on social media how much you love yourself and don’t need someone else is so played out. It’s not the end of the world so stop acting like it is. Everyone wants to be profound or drop some essential knowledge but it’s not necessary. The truth of the matter is that if you only tell your loved ones that you love them once a year it’s extremely pointless. People want to feel appreciated all the time– or at the minimum more than once a year. Opportunities exist, seize them and don’t try to cram every romantic gesture into a 24 hour period.
18 Qualities
I ran into this article through Facebook and thought it was an interesting read. The definition of the “Z” man appeared to be something that most women would appreciate. People who have very strong personalities tend to have a harder time when their partners are equally stubborn. When both people can’t compromise it leads to a lot of challenges. The thing about this article is that it outlined qualities that are important in successful relationships across the board. My favorite one was number 8 “moving at the same speed.” I love that idea because there’s so much discussion about wanting to marry up. The chance to skip a socio-economic class and to be in a different income bracket. There’s nothing wrong with marrying up but I think that there’s something to be said for marrying across (as equals). There’s less of a power struggle and ideally the situation would encourage empathy from both partners. It was a thought provoking article.
It’s Over
I don’t know if I’ve ever posted a John Legend song in the time that I’ve had this blog and it’s been a shame. Now, I would not go as far to say that I know ALL the lyrics to ALL of his songs, but I will say that I’ve been listening to his music since before I was allowed to listen to secular music and had to sneak around. Quite a feat for a homeschooler. This is one of my all time favorite songs that he’s done. It’s been on repeat all this week for some strange reason. John has a way or writing songs that are super easy to relate to. The melodies are unique but not distracting from the lyrics. And John’s voice has a signature sound that adds to the genuineness of his music. This song reminded me of some of the times where I’ve had to delete numbers and then re-save them in my phone under “never EVER answer.” The thing about this song is that it’s catchy but also makes a declaration in some fashion. There will always be people who have trouble letting go. Whether it’s their favorite food, or a relationship they are incredibly intricately involved with, sometimes things have an expiration date. It doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing, it just means that we have to make some adjustments. Life changes and people change as well. Sometimes those changes require some reconsideration of close relationships. There will always be people who don’t want to take “no” for an answer. But if it’s over, it’s over.
Why I Hate Internet Dating
Ever since I was in college, one of my few occasional internet surfing activities have included browsing the Craigslist personal ads. I’ve never responded to one but they have been very interesting. Over the years I’ve learned the lingo and what the abbreviations mean. I often wonder what brings people to the point that they decide that true love might be found through the personal ads on Craigslist. Which, by the way is also proof of the fact that most of the country does not know how to write a decent sounding sentence. The way people write these days is nothing short of atrocious. But I digress. I’m not going to lie, I admire their optimism because despite the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic, I’ve seen one too many Catfish episodes where it did not turn out nicely. It’s one thing to meet someone in person and then continue the interactions via social media and other web-based means of communication. It’s a totally different thing to have no point of reference and start a serious relationship based on the understanding that the other person is who they say they are. It’s a huge gamble that doesn’t always turn out the way that you want. Just last night I was watching a Catfish episode where a girl was asking Nev and Max to help her finally meet her FIANCE’ in person because all their interactions had been online. Turns out, the fiance’ was a fake profile and phone number created by her best friend to help her get through a rough patch in her life. Talk about a let down. The thing is that all that emotional pain was avoidable. I know that internet dating has begun to rise in popularity and that it’s a great alternative for a lot of people. But I still strongly prefer face to face interaction. It’s easy to hide crazy behind a screen but it’s harder in person. It’s said by some that during the first few dates you’re seeing someone’s “representative” because they are trying their hardest to impress you and to put their best foot forward. I think that this process is dragged out much longer than necessary when exchanges only happen online. It’s not impossible to find true love online. I know people who are in very successful relationships as a result of online dating. I just don’t care for it.
Power and Control
One thing I notice in relationships is the influence of power and control. The misuse of power and control in relationships is what makes them abusive in nature. Someone attempting and even succeeding at violating thee boundaries of their significant other through force or manipulation is an example of an extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. Power and control can also show up in other ways. I’ve also encountered it in the therapy room when I’ve worked with clients who are resistant. The whole thought behind power and control in this context is that people want to be in control of something. When their values or beliefs are challenged they immediately put up their guard and even subconsciously seek to manipulate the situation so that they remain in control at all times and they never have to change their faulty belief patterns. It’s the avoidance being honest with oneself and being in a vulnerable place. It’s almost like playing a game because as a therapist I’m trying to challenge them in a way that won’t make them defensive but will also be effective in helping them make necessary changes. Recently, I found myself in an unfamiliar environment where power and control dynamics came into play. I’m the type of person who likes to be in control at all times. Not necessarily in charge of what happens to me because I know that’s impossible, but I like being in my right mind (to a reasonable degree) without being impaired by various substances. I want the ability to exercise self control so that I don’t have to face the unpleasant consequences of a stupid and impulsive decision later on. That being said, this environment was very unfamiliar and out of my comfort zone. On paper it was a great opportunity to experience something new. However, it required a level of trust that I did not feel was warranted. So I did what any human who feels threatened in some way would do or would at least attempt–took power and control of the situation. While it was definitely an overreaction, I preferred it (at the time) to giving up power and control. It was a learning experience to be on the other side of a power and control dynamic where I was in a similar position to that of some of my clients and had to take action to remain in control. Interesting.
Dontchange
Musiq’s songs have some of the best lyrics and this one is no exception. It’s pretty self explanatory but I will say that this song is so idealistic in nature. Musiq is singing the words that many women would love to hear. Like I’ve always said, the idea of security and commitment in a relationship is comforting. I had the change to attend one of his concerts and this was one of the songs I really enjoyed hearing him perform live.
Compare and Contrast
I have a theory that the majority of single women in the world today know someone who they consider to be un-marry-able (yes, I made that up). Whether it is their looks, personality, or a combination of both, we know in our heart of hearts that it will take a lot for them to get married. I know of women who have vowed that if their never getting married person actually DOES get married they will just give up on life. They’ll wear sweatpants everywhere, won’t bother with makeup, and will die brittle and bitter about it. What’s interesting to me is how we are so quick to talk about how people are unique and have specific characteristics and gifts that aren’t replicated in others, yet we are just as quick to compare our lives others. If each person is unique with different sets of strengths and weaknesses, why do we compare our lives with theirs. On another note, why is it that the way a lot of people feel good about themselves is by comparing themselves to others who may not be at the same point in their life? It’s apples to oranges. If you are so worried about where you are in your life do something about it. Don’t compare yourself to someone who isn’t doing as well as you are and then use it as an excuse to once again be lulled into the gentle waves of mediocrity. There will always be people who have accomplishments. Our mistake is when we let their accomplishments inform our every move and our personal goals. Comparison is the enemy of progress.
The Tinder Experiment
My brother was the one who showed me this video and it was SO interesting. The video is pretty self explanatory so I won’t explain it in detail. However, I will say that it definitely sheds light on some of the challenges of online dating. I think that it’s very telling of the significance we place on attractiveness and appearances. I love the dry humor of the host of the video and the way that they approached the experiment. That being said, I wonder if results would be different if the experiment targeted one specific college campus.
Alisha's Angle 