Independence and doing your own thing is something that is valued in many different circles. Single people are told and advised to stay single for as long as humanly possible and enjoy their “season of freedom.” Not too long ago I went on a date where the guy told me numerous times how I was weird and how badly he wanted my life because I travel a lot. Not the greatest thing but I digress. The world is still geared towards couples. From tax breaks to more respect and credibility for others, it’s a good time to be in a relationship. Even travel packages cost you almost twice as much when you travel by yourself. It’s an inconvenient expense that could easily be remedied. Millions of dollars worth of books, CD’s, and DVD’s have been bought giving remedies and steps on how to be a happy and whole single person. The mantra that you have to be ok with yourself before being with someone else is debate-able. I’m not against working out personal issues but it can also be done within a relationship. It’s going to be hard either way. I’m not downing the single life because it definitely has it’s perks at times but there’s something to be said about being able to take advantage of the tax breaks, two for one deals and travel packages that comes along with having a significant other. While these things can be done with friends, it’s still a different dynamic. Must I carry all my groceries up three flights of stairs all the time? Small insignificant but also significant details make you realize how life experiences could change with the presence of a consistent significant other.
Tag Archives: emotions
Rolling with Ambivalence
Lately, I’ve been dealing with some marked moments of ambivalence. I am the type of person who likes systematic and also logical conclusions to challenges that arise. As much as I thrive in an “on the fly” environment, I’d much rather use my energy and time preparing and already having a plan that will immediately go into effect when a crisis arises. Not too long ago, I posted an article that discussed the rise in ambivalent relationships. I’m learning that I struggle with having meaningful and close relationships with people who are always ambivalent. It’s not that they’re bad people, it’s just that my time is wasted as they go back and forth about making a small decision. I personally like having plenty of time to make decisions. I like to sleep on it and to analyze the decision from all sides before I come to a conclusion. However, when the need arises, I can also make split second decisions and be ok with that. Ambivalence is all around us and I see it on a regular basis in my job as a therapist. While someone may say that they want to change, they still refuse to make the necessary changes in their life. This can be frustrating on the part of both the client and the therapist. It’s hard to help someone who can’t even define what they want. It’s even harder to help someone who refuses to change unless all conditions are just right. I’ve learned that many times people in places of ambivalence don’t want your help. They want to be noticed. This presents a challenge that can be frustrating due to the fact that you can’t make anyone’s decisions for them. They have to be personally invested in the process 100% before any true and lasting work can be done.
Compare and Contrast
I have a theory that the majority of single women in the world today know someone who they consider to be un-marry-able (yes, I made that up). Whether it is their looks, personality, or a combination of both, we know in our heart of hearts that it will take a lot for them to get married. I know of women who have vowed that if their never getting married person actually DOES get married they will just give up on life. They’ll wear sweatpants everywhere, won’t bother with makeup, and will die brittle and bitter about it. What’s interesting to me is how we are so quick to talk about how people are unique and have specific characteristics and gifts that aren’t replicated in others, yet we are just as quick to compare our lives others. If each person is unique with different sets of strengths and weaknesses, why do we compare our lives with theirs. On another note, why is it that the way a lot of people feel good about themselves is by comparing themselves to others who may not be at the same point in their life? It’s apples to oranges. If you are so worried about where you are in your life do something about it. Don’t compare yourself to someone who isn’t doing as well as you are and then use it as an excuse to once again be lulled into the gentle waves of mediocrity. There will always be people who have accomplishments. Our mistake is when we let their accomplishments inform our every move and our personal goals. Comparison is the enemy of progress.
True Colors
I think that as humans, many of us are naturally drawn to positions of prominence. Many of us know someone who has literally schemed their way to the top. They have manipulated and lied in order to advance their own agenda and get ahead in life without regard for the feelings or emotions of others. They show false attention and fake their way through relationships because they have ulterior motives. They don’t allow anyone to get close but keep up a facade of being easily accessible. As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been on this whole INFJ tip the past few days where I’ve been reading more about my personality type. One of the characteristics of this personality type is that we are naturally intuitive about the motives of others and many times find it easy to separate the real from the fake when it comes to human interactions and communication. A while ago I was presented with the opportunity for a position of prominence. It was something that was a goal of mine and had been for the past several years. However, after I quickly accepted I almost immediately had a change of heart and rejected it. I just got a gut feeling that it wasn’t “right” and that there were hidden motives on the part of the person who offered it. It wasn’t like I was being paranoid, but I had such a strong sense that I would have to pay in some way for accepting it. I strongly believe that the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. While I believe in being at least cordial to everyone, I also take great pains to distance myself from people who use others to advance their own personal agenda. Those are the type of people who will turn on you as quickly as they became your “friend.” I say all that to say that it pays to recognize and identify these types of people before they suck you into their webs of deceit and manipulation.
INFJ
For the past 24 hours I’ve been preoccupied with learning more about my personality type (INFJ). Unfortunately, this has caused me to procrastinate on homework and reports that need to be done by Monday morning. I must admit, after reading about all the characteristics of INFJ’s I realized that I wasn’t as crazy as I originally thought (wonderful surprise). The truth is that INFJ’s make up less than two percent of the world’s population and is the rarest type in the Myers-Briggs test. This prezi presentation was so amazingly good and was a wonderful overview of the INFJ personality. As I clicked through it I could relate to every part of the presentation. Then I ran across this article that was also incredibly interesting as it summarized some of the characteristics of INFJ’s. Several things that stand out to me (and that I’ve noticed in myself) about this particular personality type is that we can’t get out of our own heads. Our brains are always going several hundred miles per hour and we are future oriented. This means that being in the present and enjoying the moment takes very deliberate effort. Also, we are perfectionists and hold ourselves to a very high standards. In addition, we trust our gut and can read people well. This characteristic is something that I realized that I use a lot more often than I originally thought because it’s more like second nature to me. The thing is that this intuition or gut feeling doesn’t always make sense. I don’t know how many times I didn’t do something because it just didn’t “feel” right. I couldn’t explain exactly why I felt that way but I just did. INFJ’s are social but still like time by themselves to recharge and they are easily annoyed by small talk, meaningless conversation and also meaningless affection (go figure). They like structure but they hate monotony and appreciate spontaneity. I guess that’s why I’m such a fan of traveling and taking a break from routine. Who would’ve guessed?
5 Things I Wish More People Knew About Mental Health
1. Every person who has mood swings or depression is not automatically “bipolar” and “schizophrenic.” These are terms that most people throw around without any idea what it truly entails. They’re usually wrong.
2. Telling someone who is severely depressed that they should snap out of it, pray more, or engage in some other activity that does not involve being evaluated by some type of professional is stupid. You may mean well but that doesn’t excuse giving horrible advice on something you aren’t qualified on. Mental illness isn’t the same for everyone.
3. Ignoring your kid’s obvious problems won’t make them go away. Playing ostrich in the sand as a parent doesn’t benefit anyone and 9 times out of 10, the problem(s) will get worse. Avoidance may work for you but sometimes you just have to man/woman up and face issues for the sake of your kid and their future.
4. There’s still a stigma surrounding getting help for mental health challenges but the truth is that we live in a different world than we did 100 years ago with different stressors. Being self-aware of your emotions and your own issues will go a long way in being a well-adjusted adult. There’s no shame in knowing that you need help and going through the necessary channels to get it.
5. Medications can work wonders. Some people genuinely need to be on medication for the rest of their lives in order to have a better quality of life. So stop telling people not to take their meds because you aren’t them and you don’t know how that could impact their day to day functioning.
Reflections
Lately I’ve been doing some self reflection as I often advise others to do. As someone who enjoys the study of psychology, I recently found myself revisiting personality tests that I did in college for an assignment. So according to the test I have a Choleric/Melancholy personality. While both of these types have some good qualities, the bad ones were really bad. “Unemotional, “overbearing,” “rigid,” and “stubborn” were among some of the terms used. I immediately did some self inventory and realized that I definitely had some of those personality traits. I partly blame it on being an oldest child and a parentified child at that. I’ve always said that one of the good things about being a therapist is that sometimes you can use your own tricks on yourself. As a result, I’m constantly assessing myself in some fashion. However, it’s easy to self sabotage when you are constantly nit-picking your life. Nothing is good enough. You’re never satisfied and your standards are impossible. This mindset leaves little time to celebrate small and almost meaningless accomplishments. That’s my self reflection.
Got to get my heart back
As I was minding my business today I thought about this song. While it’s a couple of years old, it’s still one of my favorite songs. I can’t even really say that I’m a huge Keyshia Cole fan but I can appreciate the depth of the emotion in this song. The song speaks about wanting to get back to the way things used to be before emotions got involved. Keyshia sings about giving 110% and even loving the other person more than herself saying that she would have done anything for them. Yet, it’s such a reminder that the affection and attention from one person does not make up a true relationship. There has to be some sort of reciprocity. Keyshia sings about this as she says that she just wants to get her heart back. After giving so much and loving so deeply, the realization that you aren’t loved in that same manner can be extremely sad. The song is definitely evidence of that and even the instrumental part alludes to a haunting memory that builds on the initial four notes you hear in the first bar. Interesting how Keyshia sings about getting her heart back, implying that it’s in the position of another. However, Keyshia never sings about taking the action to get her heart back, she just says that she has to do it. Another things that stands out to me about the lyrics of the song is that Keyshia spends the entire time talking about how she wants to get back to the way that it used to be instead of expressing her desire to move on into her future. She wants to go back in the past before she even met the person. Thus saying that she really wishes that she never had the experience of loving that hard and getting nothing in return.
What I Wish I Had Known: Burnout and Self-Care in Our Social Work Profession – SocialWorker.com
The training to become a social worker is arduous, demanding, and complex. What isn’t always stressed enough are the issues of burnout, compassion fatigue, and the need for self care in the profession of social work.
via What I Wish I Had Known: Burnout and Self-Care in Our Social Work Profession – SocialWorker.com.
I saw this article and thought about how applicable it is to my life right now. As someone who works in the field, this has to be one of the best articles I’ve read on the reality of burnout for social workers that is typically ignored. My absolute favorite quote from the author: “In our work, although we are surrounded by people all day long, there is not a balanced give and take. Concentration is on clients, not ourselves. In the truest sense, we are alone—we are the givers, and our fulfillment comes from seeing the growth, hope, and new direction in those with whom we are privileged to work.” I don’t think that truer words have ever been spoken. I’m a huge proponent of self-care but admittedly have a hard time taking my own advice. It’s easier said than done when you are by nature a giver and you put the best interests of others before yours and don’t impose your opinions on others deliberately on a daily basis. Any deviation from this can be self-perceived as selfishness. However, the article brings home the fact that self-care is necessary because it helps you to operate from a place of being okay. Still have a lot to learn in that department.
Be-ing
One thing I’ve taken the time to be deliberate in savoring small moments. Like many people, it’s easy for me to get caught up in plans for the future and literally live months and even years in advance because I’m planning that far ahead. I have plan A’s, plan B’s, plan C’s, plan D’s and even plan E’s. My mind is constantly going analyzing and assessing my current situation and strategizing about my next move and what work is needed in order to make it a successful venture. However, I’ve had people remind me that it’s important to stop and smell the roses. I’ve had the chance to take some time and appreciate the small victories and happy moments in life that are often overlooked through all the crap that comes along with living in a bad world. Recently I had an experience that I’ve waited about two years for. The great thing was that I can honestly say that I took the time to just “be” in that moment. It was one of those things that I knew I might never happen again so I took the opportunity to savor it. While I’m somewhat of a patient person, the fact that I waited two years for it made it worth it. I appreciated it more and also understood that the moment was fleeting. Therefore, I just decided to enjoy it without allowing my mind to be distracted by the underlying meanings and motives and repercussions of the moment. In order for this to happen I had to make a deliberate and conscious decision to live in the moment for at least a moment and just “be” without a million and one thoughts coming in a spoiling the special-ness of the moment. Was it worth shutting out distractions and thoughts to enjoy the moment? Absolutely.
Alisha's Angle 