Tag Archives: relationships

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Right person, wrong time

Taylor And Matt There’s this other type of love that doesn’t come dressed in everything you’ve ever wanted. It isn’t every dream coming true. It isn’t waking up one day next to someone and realizing the only thing that matters is them. It’s opposite really. Yes, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted standing right in front…

via The Utter Heartbreak Of Loving Someone You Can Never Be With — Thought Catalog

I loved reading this article and could relate to it. I’ve had some sad moments but the moment I met someone, spent time with them and realized how compatible we were, and that we would never ever be together was one of the saddest. But also very sobering as it reminded me about the importance of cherishing the moments. I miss him a lot and while I would have loved a different outcome, I know that it will never happen. Love doesn’t always conquer all, but I’m forever grateful to have had the opportunity to meet him and get to know him. He was the right person, it was the wrong time.

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Lessons from 2016

1. Just like the Jazmine Sullivan song, “forever doesn’t last always.” You can’t control the choices of others but you can decide your reaction 2. Online dating is hard and doesn’t always yield the results you want. Assume everyone is lying until proven otherwise and it’ll be ok. 

3. It’s ok to live outside the box for a while. A normal 9-5 doesn’t and won’t fit everyone. 

4. Appreciate the small things and don’t sweat the big stuff. Take it all in a stride.

5. Don’t take people who care about you for granted. Life is short.

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A hard decision

I’m not quite sure why I’m sharing this story but I learned a lot so here goes. At the beginning of the year (mid-January) I got dumped. I’ll have to tell that story one day. After I got dumped I decided that I needed to actually start dating for the first time in my life. A great idea in theory. So I signed up for some online dating sites and the games began. Literally. In my search I met a guy who it appeared I was pretty compatible with. On paper he had a lot of things that I would want in a potential mate. Grew up in a stable two parent home, masters degree, decent job, active in the community, etc. He was also nice-looking and could dress (added bonus). I don’t know why, but I just felt drawn to him. We had similar values and interests and lived within a reasonable distance of each other.  We had some conversations and found out that we had a lot in common. Being the communicative person that I am, I made it clear from the beginning what I wanted out of a relationship that was absolutely non-negotiable. Time and attention. We texted every day but whenever the conversation meandered to spending some actual time together (i.e. a date) he would dodge and tell me about how busy he was. It got annoying and then it felt like I was nagging and I didn’t want to be that person. So I stopped and he never initiated anything. I waited a few weeks and then told him that it appeared we both wanted different things and that I was taking a step back. He never bothered to reply. The sad thing was that I think we had great potential. But I can’t make anyone decide to spend time with me and I want it to be entirely their decision. I don’t know what it was but I felt inexplicably drawn to him and wanted to be one of the things in his life that brought him happiness. He was intriguing and complex and was unlike anyone I’d ever known. I would have loved to get to know him better but he never gave me that chance.  I had to make the hard decision to cut my losses and walk away because I wasn’t getting what I needed and he flat out refused to even schedule any time with me. Wish there had been a different outcome.

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Insecure (spoiler alert)

Now that I’m a working adult, it’s rare that I’ll binge watch an entire season of a show in two sittings but that’s what happened with Insecure. My social media accounts have been flooded with reactions from the show so I wanted to watch for myself and see what the hype was all about. Oh my goodness. The show is amazing. Definitely not kid friendly but a great show. The main character “Issa” has a lot going on. She’s balancing a relationship, a best friend, and a job at a local non-profit. As the season progresses, we see Issa try to make sense of her world. Her boyfriend isn’t always emotionally available and she questions the relationship when an old flame reappears in her life. Meanwhile, Issa also has a best friend who is a successful professional but has really bad luck with men. By the time the season ends, Issa’s boyfriend has gotten a new job, she has made a horrible mistake and her friend is still single. One thing that I can appreciate is that the show isn’t super complicated. The season finale wasn’t what I expected but it definitely brought to light the fact that there are consequences for actions although two wrongs don’t make a right. Issa made a mistake and regretted it but discovered that some things aren’t easily fixed with a contrite apology. Her boyfriend was a good guy who got his life together a little too late but was absolutely caught off guard when the truth came out and acted out accordingly. There aren’t hundreds of characters to remember but the nuances are so reflective of real life and the experience of a lot of minority millennials. I’m glad the show has been renewed for a second season.

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Door slamming 

One thing that I’ve had a chance to do is to read up on my personality type. It’s been very eye opening to understand more about how I think and my perspective of the world around me. My personality type is known for bending over backwards for people until a limit is reached and then the relationship is severed. It’s typically called a door slam and isn’t something that happens often. But every once in a while you meet people who take but never provide anything in return. Recently I had to door slam a guy who wasn’t for me. Now to be honest, I should have cut him off earlier but I needed to make sure there wasn’t any redeemable quality. There are a lot of women out there who see themselves as a savior of sorts sent to rescue a man from himself and his bad decisions. I’m not one of them. There were several things that influenced my decision to sever all ties. He lived at least a thousand miles away and we had never met in person AND didn’t have any mutual friends. First, within days of initial dialogue he tried to convince me to fly up to meet him on my own dime. Keep in mind that he’s almost 40 with a job that pays the bills and a side hustle in the entertainment business as a promotor. Strike one. Second, he NEVER called and text messages consisted of small talk or his (self-proclaimed) abilities in a certain department. I wasn’t amused. Thirdly, in addition to wanting me to fly in, he also wanted me to “invest” a “small amount” of $3,500 into his promoter business. The purpose of this was to prove my loyalty and that I truly was down for him. And last but not least, he didn’t provide a lot of information about himself but a google search indicated that he was arrested fairly frequently on bail bond violations. I don’t know why, but I have this weird sixth sense thing that goes off when people lie to me or don’t tell me the full story. Huge red flag and ultimate deal breaker. Needless to say, he earned his exit pass out my life. Definitely not for me. 

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What an introvert wants

Vince PerraudWe crave your time. We crave you in the quiet of a Sunday afternoon, in the thunder of a Thursday storm. We don’t need much, just bring us your heart, pinned to your sleeve. Just bring us your mind, cupped within your palms. Bring us your closeness, your unhinged ribcage, your dreams and your…

via This Is What Every Introvert Craves In A Relationship — Thought Catalog

I almost shed a tear reading this particular article. The author hits the nail on the head with this one. I think that introverts are often misunderstood because they don’t always let others into their inner world.  I don’t know if I’ve ever read my wants written so eloquently and clearly. Great piece.

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Attraction at its finest 

Not too long ago the was an article circulating over social media written by a woman who said that she married a man she wasn’t attracted to and that it worked out in the end. You can read the actual article here. Naturally, the article generated a lot of conversation and many people insisted that it was something that they would never do. Almost everyone agrees that beauty can be fleeting. People change over the years and their bodies change with them. But as someone aptly put it, you don’t want to wake up every morning and have to die to self when you see your spouse’s face. It can be done, but it’s not ideal. In my limited experience I’ve found myself giving a guy a chance even when I didn’t find him in any way attractive. Hoping in some way that his other positive attributes would override the fact that he just wasn’t handsome to me. Epic fail. So I’m going to discontinue the practice. Not that I won’t be open anymore but an “absolutely not” is going to stay that way without all my internal criticism of being shallow and missing out. Everyone deserves a significant other who finds them attractive and it’s unfair to them to try to make something work that won’t. It’s not shallow to want to be with someone you’re attracted to but you have to remember that there are a lot of pretty ugly people out there (pretty on the outside and ugly on the inside). Looks can’t drive EVERYTHING but they do matter. 

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What Your Girlfriend With Anxiety Wants, But Won’t Ever Ask For — Thought Catalog

@BYONELOVEShe wants your reassurance without you perceiving her as ‘needy’. She wants to hear you say you love her and that you’re not going anywhere. She wants your arms around her as you say it, showing her with your affection how much you care. She wants you to understand and not be annoyed when she…

via What Your Girlfriend With Anxiety Wants, But Won’t Ever Ask For — Thought Catalog

 

Without adding any snarky comments and making a generalization about “all” men out there, I will say that this sounds nice. It’s interesting how people who appear so self assured in other areas of their life can feel so unsettled and anxious within a relationship. I think that it’s because there’s something that is out of their control. It feels weird and different and naturally some anxiety ensues because you find yourself really self-doubting for the first time in a while. Great article

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It’s casual 

I’ve never been much of a groupie but I must admit that it was cool to share an airport terminal train with Michaela Watkins, one of the stars in my favorite Hulu show, Casual. While it definitely contains some adult content, the show accurate depicts a lot of the confusion and anguish that can accompany relationships that merely casual. Michaela plays a therapist who is a recent divorcee and a single mother. She’s great at what she does but finds it hard to separate her personal from her own professional self. All the characters in the show experience their own personal crisis that make them more aware of who they are as people. The show is messy like real life often is. There’s so much ambivalence and the characters struggle with being honest with themselves and their partners. We often have to operate and make decisions based on limited information. Casual is a good show because it makes you think and do some honest analysis of the complicated relationships in your life.