Tag Archives: marriage

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Upgrades

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I absolutely abhor the first sentence in the picture. The second is more tolerable. The truth is that we live in a materialistic society and there’s little chance of that changing anytime soon. Maybe one of the reasons I hate that sentence is that it implies that you won’t care as much about the money if you have some of your own or you aren’t lazy. Money impresses more than just lazy people. And we all know people who work extremely hard but have absolutely nothing to show for it. People who want to accomplish things with their lives don’t want to be with someone who holds them back. Working hard isn’t all that’s necessary. There are other things that must be present. Love does not pay bills and having a man with money can not only be a bonus but also an upgrade. I’m against that as one’s only plan out of poverty but one of THE smartest financial decisions a woman can make is to get married. If you bring something substantial to the table, I feel like you shouldn’t feel bad that his net worth is also calculated with his marriage ability rating. If I’m merging my life with yours I want to come out with a better deal than I went in with. It doesn’t always have to be money but that will play a pretty sizable part. I agree that money doesn’t bring happiness but I personally would rather cry in my BMW than on my bike.

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Lessons in Teaching

Recently I had the opportunity to present on a counseling theory as it pertains to couples therapy to a class of graduate students at my alma mater. One thing that was helpful in the presentation was that I had actual experience using the theory in my work with couples. Narrative therapy is definitely something that I had the chance to use a lot when working with families, couples and individuals. As a naturally nosy person, narrative therapy is right up my alley because it gives clients a chance to tell their own story. As the therapy progresses the therapist starts prompting the clients to express the problem in their own words as the problem. Very helpful in identifying root causes and challenging current paradigms. I say all that to say that it’s nice to be able to talk about a topic that you have at least a basic knowledge of. Coaching a role play as the students played therapists and acted out the theory was also really fun. Maybe I like the feeling of interrupting and inserting some bit of wisdom but it’s always interesting to experience how a theory can change the entire dynamic of the therapy room and present an opportunity for growth on the part of the clients. I’ve had some great teachers during my educational experience and I’ve learned a lot of valuable information that has informed the way that I interact with clients and has made me much more strategic. I say all this to say that this little dose of teaching was a success and teaching a class is something that I’ve added to my list of things to do just for fun (and professional experience of course). 

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The Game of Odds

The Game of Odds

This article was so interesting to me because the author took the time to break down what (he) thinks it takes for a woman to marry. Granted, while he (supposedly) is quoting information from a book, there is absolutely no citations or references at the end of the article. Despite this, the article was very direct and organized and makes a lot of sense. I have to admit that my favorite part was the quote about making getting a husband a priority after age 30 and not being the last person to “get off the bus” in terms of matrimony. Overall, I think that there’s some great advice that one can take away from the author’s perspective. Plus, it’s an easy read. 

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Don’t even bother

Don't even bother

One of my IG friends posted this and I HAD to comment on it. I really think that this statement is relevant to so many people–including myself. I like having as full of a picture as possible of an individual and sometimes that really isn’t needed. I think that this quote is alluding to the fact that individuals who aren’t interested in you will also not be interested in letting you find out more about them. I’m not going to go as far as to say that hiding things is childish but there is a certain maturity needed in order to facilitate open communication and to keep a relationship healthy. It’s naive to assume that everyone possesses this maturity and a lack of disclosure and strategic omissions about significant things in their life can be a blaring sign that they don’t possess this maturity. And yes, I’m learning this lesson myself.

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We Want Pre-Nup!

I was speaking with someone today and we were talking about the state of marriage in the world we live in. The truth is that prenuptial agreements have become more popular because of the rising divorce rates. While I’ve heard conflicting arguments about the rightness or wrongness of having one, I have to say that I believe that for certain couples a prenuptial agreement is a necessity. Think of it this way, we buy insurance for our houses and our cars. Most of us wear a seatbelt when we drive. While insurance and seat belts are something that we hope we never have to use, they certainly come in handy when your safety or security is threatened. In the event of an accident, the terms of the insurance policy that you paid for and agreed to come into play. You can save money and emotional distress because of the preparation that you’ve made for a rainy day. Prenuptial agreements are insurance for your marriage. While many may argue that getting one means that you plan on getting a divorce, I don’t agree. The truth is that people change and you never know what the future may bring. Getting a divorce is usually stressful, time-consuming, and exhausting. It’s also usually very emotionally charged because it signifies the deterioration of a once close relationship. Taking the time to create and sign a prenuptial agreement can be helpful in reducing stress and also may prevent you from (for lack of a better term) getting screwed over by someone who now probably does not have your best interest at heart. Pre-nups between people who are equally poor or broke may not be as important as pre-nups between individuals who have considerable assets and who may have waited until their careers were stable to get married. With more people getting married at older ages and later in their careers, I think that a pre-nup is a good idea. You don’t want to work hard, get married, go through a divorce and have to fight tooth and nail for what you worked hard for. You don’t plan to ever use your insurance but you sure are glad you have it when something unexpected occurs. Just because you’re prepared doesn’t mean that you’re expecting something bad to occur. I believe in hoping for the best while preparing for the worst–especially as it pertains to marriage and pre-nups. It never hurts to have some insurance.

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Marriage Maturity

One thing that has really stuck out to me this week is the fact that having a good marriage requires a certain amount of maturity. It’s easy to stay when everything is going well but it’s harder to stay when the inevitable bumps in the road come. I’ve also met a lot of people recently who have been with someone for a long period of time but do not want to make the commitment of marriage. But once you’re married and the thrill is gone, it’s easy to go. Real life hits and suddenly the other person is no longer a priority. This is really when the rubber hits the road. Leaving because of something insignificant is a sign of immaturity in my opinion. Love can be a feeling but I think that in a marriage, love has to be an actual CHOICE.  Feelings and emotions come and go but commitment is long term.

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The Beauty of Self-Regulation

I’m always a little wary of any term that starts with the word “self” and then has a dash. I guess you can blame it on the fact that I’m a systemic thinker. Every person is influenced in some way by their environment, their family, and their friends. However, self-regulation is a term that I’ve come to like because of my experiences in my environment. Self-regulation is a skill that many people don’t have. We’ve all seen people when they are getting escalated or extremely angry and all of a sudden they blow their top and do or say something extremely stupid. I’m willing to bet that some of these people were the kids who had temper tantrums until their parents got tired of it and gave into their demands. Not cool. I think of self regulation as the ability to calm down and take a step back from the situation because you know that it’s getting out of hand. Unfortunately, self-regulation also requires self-awareness–which also is extremely rare. I see this all the time in the couples I work with. They start arguing over something completely mundane and before you know it, both just start slinging mud at each other. Emotions are high and each person feels the need to defend him or herself by “proving” that the other person’s actions were way worse. The past gets brought up and before you know it, both people are so dis-regulated they don’t want to have anything to do with each other. But what if this cycle didn’t have to happen? Most people can identify when they’re irritated or annoyed by something and many times they know exactly what that “something” is. I’m not an advocate of avoiding issues, but sometimes taking a break from an argument and then coming back to it when you’re calm and are thinking clearly can save a LOT of unnecessary stuff. When you’re mad, chances are that you aren’t thinking straight. You’re not calm or even able to hear the other person’s point of view. Taking a few minutes or hours to remove yourself from the situation or even to take 15 deep breaths can help you to think more clearly and to stick to the topic at hand instead of using it as an opportunity to bring up anything and everything from the past in order to get it off your chest. You’ll be able to choose your words more deliberately without the fuel of extreme anger. Definitely easier said than done but still worth a try.

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Anger-ology

As I’ve mentioned before, one thing I’m working on in myself is being more aware of my emotions. This weekend found me rather angry over situations that had occurred in the past week. As a therapist, I’ve often noticed that feelings of anger are often products of other emotions. Anger is a emotion  used sometimes when we have a hard time verbalizing our primary emotions. I’ve noticed with my couples that feelings of hurt often disguise themselves as anger. It’s easy to blame the other person or to say or do something out of anger instead of saying that you have been hurt. But anger can also be motivation to get out of your current situation. I’m working on dealing with anger in a way that is both healthy and productive and I’ve found that the gym can be an excellent place for that. Next time you feel some angry, take the time to dig deeper and identify two underlying emotions that might be causing it. You’ll raise your self-awareness and learn more about your thought processes. 
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My Pre-Valentine’s/Single Awareness Day thoughts

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It’s that time of the year again. A lot of people are nervous because they aren’t sure if they’ll be on the receiving end of a day set apart to express love. Millions of singles are now contemplating why they are single AGAIN this year. What they did wrong, and what they are going to do to avoid getting sucked into the “woe is me because I’m alone on V-day” annual party in their brain. Other take to social media sites proclaiming that they don’t care what day it is because Jesus loves them and they’re perfectly happy. Yet, no one REALLY believes them. Others are wondering if this is the year that they’ll get engaged to their significant other. He already knows EXACTLY what setting the ring should be and they went looking at rings SIX MONTHS ago. Anxious, Agitated, Upset, Frustrated, Excited, Vulnerable, Bitter, and Sadness are all some emotions that describe this love holiday for some people. The truth is that we all want to feel some type of secure connection to someone else. And most of us like the idea of being treated to something special because someone appreciates and loves you. This also happens to be the time of year when someone gets unexpectedly dumped on the most (supposedly) romantic day of the year. I want to advise all of you to not get caught up in the hype if you don’t want to. A significant other is someone who is significant to you 365 days out of the year and not just one romantic night. Valentine’s day is what you make it. Plain and simple. If you have someone, fine. If you don’t, fine. One day should not ruin your month or year. Love can occur at any time in a year and it’s important to be open to possibilities instead of stacking all your hopes and dreams on one solitary day out of 364 other ones. Decide that you’re okay–regardless of the presence or lack of the presence of a significant other on ONE SINGLE DAY. To the single people, there’s no reason, and I mean NO reason to allow V-Day to depress you for months. Learn more, grow more….after all, February 15th is just around the corner.