Recently I had the chance to observe a group in a festive social setting. I’m a people watcher by nature and I enjoy observing the interactions around me. I’ve often said that if I wasn’t so emotionally infested I would center my dissertation around the study of those interactions. The first thing I do after going into a room is to do a quick scan to see who is there. After this I usually immediately locate the top four most attractive people in the room. It’s not that I have any bad motives. It’s just a habit I have as I’ve noticed that attractive people seem to carry themselves differently. Maybe it’s because they have more confidence and see the world from a different perspective. I’m not a huge fan of new social environments but it’s interesting to see how social norms and cues inform behaviors.
Tag Archives: life
Over the Hill is Home
I frequently post songs that I enjoy listening to and this one is not an exception. To be honest, I heard this song for the first time at the end of 2010 after my first semester of my senior year of college. I had a college classmate who was sick and in the hospital. People started saying that if anyone wanted to see them they needed to go ASAP to the hospital. This person was someone I knew rather casually but often spoke to on occasion since we had several classes together. Needless to say I visited them at the hospital and while I was thankful for the experience, it was also sobering on how short life really is. Nobody teaches you what to say to someone on their deathbed. This year I’ve talked to a decent amount of people on their deathbed and I’ve still been stuck on appropriate words to say in that situation. I say all this to say that this song is one of hope. It’s a reminder to press forward and to keep pushing despite obstacles that come. Great melody and I like the optimism in the message.
My Math Story
Many of us had a subject in school in which the relationship between it and use could be characterized by the word “complicated.” For me, that subject was math. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that anyone is born hating math. I once read an article that asserted that hating math is a result of how we are raised and taught to do it. I remember learning addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division tables through memorization and songs. However, for some reason, my dislike for math seemed to deepen. It wasn’t until 11th grade that I realized I had a knack for creating a spreadsheet of a budget and calculating profit margins. This was a bright moment in my dark relationship with math. My experience with math was further complicated by the fact that while I was homeschooled, math was not a strong point with either of my parents. I did my high school education through a correspondence course. That meant that I got a math book and a workbook and I had to teach myself the concepts. This was an extremely hard thing to do as I got into advanced algebra and geometry. Even with the help of tutors it was not easy going. I managed to pass both classes with grades that probably should never be reported. It was a good thing that I managed to escape trigonometry, calculus and other higher level maths that most people have to take. It’s funny how certain things decrease in significance as we get older. I was genuinely stressed out by my algebra homework. Yet, after passing the class (thankfully), other than critical thinking skills, algebra is a thing of the past. I’m not tested on my ability to solve for x or any other operation that requires a lot of steps to solve. That’s why I think it’s so important to not make mountains out of molehills. You acknowledge it, you confront it, and you move on. Chances are the things you worried about ten years ago aren’t even relevant now and you wasted valuable energy that could have become something productive.
Compare and Contrast
I have a theory that the majority of single women in the world today know someone who they consider to be un-marry-able (yes, I made that up). Whether it is their looks, personality, or a combination of both, we know in our heart of hearts that it will take a lot for them to get married. I know of women who have vowed that if their never getting married person actually DOES get married they will just give up on life. They’ll wear sweatpants everywhere, won’t bother with makeup, and will die brittle and bitter about it. What’s interesting to me is how we are so quick to talk about how people are unique and have specific characteristics and gifts that aren’t replicated in others, yet we are just as quick to compare our lives others. If each person is unique with different sets of strengths and weaknesses, why do we compare our lives with theirs. On another note, why is it that the way a lot of people feel good about themselves is by comparing themselves to others who may not be at the same point in their life? It’s apples to oranges. If you are so worried about where you are in your life do something about it. Don’t compare yourself to someone who isn’t doing as well as you are and then use it as an excuse to once again be lulled into the gentle waves of mediocrity. There will always be people who have accomplishments. Our mistake is when we let their accomplishments inform our every move and our personal goals. Comparison is the enemy of progress.
True Colors
I think that as humans, many of us are naturally drawn to positions of prominence. Many of us know someone who has literally schemed their way to the top. They have manipulated and lied in order to advance their own agenda and get ahead in life without regard for the feelings or emotions of others. They show false attention and fake their way through relationships because they have ulterior motives. They don’t allow anyone to get close but keep up a facade of being easily accessible. As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been on this whole INFJ tip the past few days where I’ve been reading more about my personality type. One of the characteristics of this personality type is that we are naturally intuitive about the motives of others and many times find it easy to separate the real from the fake when it comes to human interactions and communication. A while ago I was presented with the opportunity for a position of prominence. It was something that was a goal of mine and had been for the past several years. However, after I quickly accepted I almost immediately had a change of heart and rejected it. I just got a gut feeling that it wasn’t “right” and that there were hidden motives on the part of the person who offered it. It wasn’t like I was being paranoid, but I had such a strong sense that I would have to pay in some way for accepting it. I strongly believe that the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. While I believe in being at least cordial to everyone, I also take great pains to distance myself from people who use others to advance their own personal agenda. Those are the type of people who will turn on you as quickly as they became your “friend.” I say all that to say that it pays to recognize and identify these types of people before they suck you into their webs of deceit and manipulation.
Balance
That moment when you want to write something profound and prolific and the brightness of your screen and the text box of blankness waiting to be filled just seems to mock your efforts of gathering your thoughts together in a coherent way. That’s how I feel. This past week has been particularly busy as I’ve started school again (oh joy) and started the transitional process on the career front. One thing that has grown during this school experience has been the respect that I have for people with spouses and/or families who are being persistent and completing their degree. Something that is talked about in the social services world is the importance of balance and self care. I’ve gotten the opportunity to talk and dialogue with people who have been therapists and social workers for years and in answer to the question of how they find balance and take care of themselves, they have said that they’re still figuring it out. I think that this is because there’s no one formula. I went to a training this week about working with individuals who have experienced trauma. The main thoughts behind this specific modality was that stress is stored in the body and it need to be expressed in some form in order to reduce symptoms of depression and/or anxiety. The interesting thing about it was that the presenter asserted that one of the reasons why stress is not expressed and stays in our bodies is because we decide to ignore it. We distract ourselves with food, exercise, books, activities, etc that mask our true need of confronting the traumas and experiences that are the sources of our stress. In the therapy world these things are known as coping skills. That being said, I think that a lot of people (including myself at times) have gotten use to artfully dodging their own issues and have instead channeled all that energy to another activity instead of confronting their own past hurts. It’s a hard place to be in and nobody wants to get uncomfortable even if it’s just to heal from past hurts. Uncomfortableness is hard.
Ignoring the Obvious
A few weeks ago. the brake light came on in my car. It happened while I was driving but quickly turned off when I took my foot off the gas. I ignored it. As the weeks passed my brake light came on more and more often. I knew the brake wasn’t on and there wasn’t any weird noise happening so I continued to ignore it. In fact, I started to appreciate the extra light on my dashboard that came from the light being on. This continued to the point where the brake light was almost on all the time. It became almost constantly on from the time that I started the car until the time that I turned it off. Almost comforting in a way. I could have called my dad and asked about it (my usual plan of action on anything concerning my car) but I didn’t. I could have googled information about it and problem solved on my own but I didn’t do that either. Instead I just ignored it until it became comfortable. This past weekend my dad visited me in person and I finally told him about the brake light. Turns out it was a three minute solution. My car just needed more brake fluid. So now I drive around and my dashboard is strangely (or so it seems) dimmer because the bright red light isn’t on anymore. It makes me thing about all the times that we ignore things that are problems until we just become comfortable with it. People who are in abusive relationships to the point that it just becomes normal because they can’t clearly remember anything different. People who get caught up in negative cycles because they ignore red flags until the red flags are no longer important to them. Sometimes you have to learn to be uncomfortable with dysfunction because you’re so used to it that it has become normal. It’s a similar concept with people who are recovering from addictions of some sort. They have to re-learn how to live without the addictive behavior or substance because it has become such a way of life. However, the beginning step of this process is challenging the dysfunctional or “normal” reality that they have created and taking the necessary steps to create a new normal.
Thank you
One thing that was drilled into my head from childhood was the importance of saying thank you. It’s a habit that has followed me through adulthood. A thank you is an acknowledgment of something or someone that made an effort in some way to positively impact you. Recently, I rented a 2014 Toyota Camry and really enjoyed it. I drove the car over 1000 miles in a period of four days and it was one of the best driving experiences I’ve had in my life. It was very apparent that the car was designed with a driver in mind and all the amenities and bells and whistles were easily accessible while driving. The sound system was excellent and the car practically drove itself–giving me the opportunity to contemplate my life in great detail. Needless to say, it was a great experience and I took the time to write a handwritten note (the best kind) to Toyota corporation thanking them for the work that they did in making the Camry a great car. I sent this letter to their headquarters in Japan. Lo and behold, a few weeks later I received a personal letter from one of the Toyota vice-presidents thanking me for my letter and saying that it was being circulated through the Toyota divisions for the employees to read. I’m always amazed at how rare it is to receive a handwritten thank you note for ANYTHING these days. As digitized as we make our lives, there’s nothing like knowing that someone appreciated what you did for them and took the time to write you personally and express their gratitude. Any and every act of kindness toward you should be responded to with a “thank you.” It’s basic good manners and common sense. And that doesn’t go out of style. Ever.
Regrouping
We’ve all heard the cliche sayings and adages about the the consequences of quitting. It’s pounded into our heads that giving up should never be an option. We advise people fighting life threatening illnesses to fight and seek aggressive treatment. We soothe ourselves with the thought that not giving up has rewards in and of itself. But at what point in the game does giving up become a question of survival? When do we have to just call it and tap out? At what point is fighting futile and pointless? I think that there are times in our lives when we have to recognize that going any further in our fight is a undeniable sign of insanity. That doesn’t mean that the fight is not important but it does mean that there are more important things–like regrouping and doing something else.
5 Things I Wish More People Knew About Mental Health
1. Every person who has mood swings or depression is not automatically “bipolar” and “schizophrenic.” These are terms that most people throw around without any idea what it truly entails. They’re usually wrong.
2. Telling someone who is severely depressed that they should snap out of it, pray more, or engage in some other activity that does not involve being evaluated by some type of professional is stupid. You may mean well but that doesn’t excuse giving horrible advice on something you aren’t qualified on. Mental illness isn’t the same for everyone.
3. Ignoring your kid’s obvious problems won’t make them go away. Playing ostrich in the sand as a parent doesn’t benefit anyone and 9 times out of 10, the problem(s) will get worse. Avoidance may work for you but sometimes you just have to man/woman up and face issues for the sake of your kid and their future.
4. There’s still a stigma surrounding getting help for mental health challenges but the truth is that we live in a different world than we did 100 years ago with different stressors. Being self-aware of your emotions and your own issues will go a long way in being a well-adjusted adult. There’s no shame in knowing that you need help and going through the necessary channels to get it.
5. Medications can work wonders. Some people genuinely need to be on medication for the rest of their lives in order to have a better quality of life. So stop telling people not to take their meds because you aren’t them and you don’t know how that could impact their day to day functioning.
Alisha's Angle 