Tag Archives: dating

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A hard decision

I’m not quite sure why I’m sharing this story but I learned a lot so here goes. At the beginning of the year (mid-January) I got dumped. I’ll have to tell that story one day. After I got dumped I decided that I needed to actually start dating for the first time in my life. A great idea in theory. So I signed up for some online dating sites and the games began. Literally. In my search I met a guy who it appeared I was pretty compatible with. On paper he had a lot of things that I would want in a potential mate. Grew up in a stable two parent home, masters degree, decent job, active in the community, etc. He was also nice-looking and could dress (added bonus). I don’t know why, but I just felt drawn to him. We had similar values and interests and lived within a reasonable distance of each other.  We had some conversations and found out that we had a lot in common. Being the communicative person that I am, I made it clear from the beginning what I wanted out of a relationship that was absolutely non-negotiable. Time and attention. We texted every day but whenever the conversation meandered to spending some actual time together (i.e. a date) he would dodge and tell me about how busy he was. It got annoying and then it felt like I was nagging and I didn’t want to be that person. So I stopped and he never initiated anything. I waited a few weeks and then told him that it appeared we both wanted different things and that I was taking a step back. He never bothered to reply. The sad thing was that I think we had great potential. But I can’t make anyone decide to spend time with me and I want it to be entirely their decision. I don’t know what it was but I felt inexplicably drawn to him and wanted to be one of the things in his life that brought him happiness. He was intriguing and complex and was unlike anyone I’d ever known. I would have loved to get to know him better but he never gave me that chance.  I had to make the hard decision to cut my losses and walk away because I wasn’t getting what I needed and he flat out refused to even schedule any time with me. Wish there had been a different outcome.

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Insecure (spoiler alert)

Now that I’m a working adult, it’s rare that I’ll binge watch an entire season of a show in two sittings but that’s what happened with Insecure. My social media accounts have been flooded with reactions from the show so I wanted to watch for myself and see what the hype was all about. Oh my goodness. The show is amazing. Definitely not kid friendly but a great show. The main character “Issa” has a lot going on. She’s balancing a relationship, a best friend, and a job at a local non-profit. As the season progresses, we see Issa try to make sense of her world. Her boyfriend isn’t always emotionally available and she questions the relationship when an old flame reappears in her life. Meanwhile, Issa also has a best friend who is a successful professional but has really bad luck with men. By the time the season ends, Issa’s boyfriend has gotten a new job, she has made a horrible mistake and her friend is still single. One thing that I can appreciate is that the show isn’t super complicated. The season finale wasn’t what I expected but it definitely brought to light the fact that there are consequences for actions although two wrongs don’t make a right. Issa made a mistake and regretted it but discovered that some things aren’t easily fixed with a contrite apology. Her boyfriend was a good guy who got his life together a little too late but was absolutely caught off guard when the truth came out and acted out accordingly. There aren’t hundreds of characters to remember but the nuances are so reflective of real life and the experience of a lot of minority millennials. I’m glad the show has been renewed for a second season.

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Door slamming 

One thing that I’ve had a chance to do is to read up on my personality type. It’s been very eye opening to understand more about how I think and my perspective of the world around me. My personality type is known for bending over backwards for people until a limit is reached and then the relationship is severed. It’s typically called a door slam and isn’t something that happens often. But every once in a while you meet people who take but never provide anything in return. Recently I had to door slam a guy who wasn’t for me. Now to be honest, I should have cut him off earlier but I needed to make sure there wasn’t any redeemable quality. There are a lot of women out there who see themselves as a savior of sorts sent to rescue a man from himself and his bad decisions. I’m not one of them. There were several things that influenced my decision to sever all ties. He lived at least a thousand miles away and we had never met in person AND didn’t have any mutual friends. First, within days of initial dialogue he tried to convince me to fly up to meet him on my own dime. Keep in mind that he’s almost 40 with a job that pays the bills and a side hustle in the entertainment business as a promotor. Strike one. Second, he NEVER called and text messages consisted of small talk or his (self-proclaimed) abilities in a certain department. I wasn’t amused. Thirdly, in addition to wanting me to fly in, he also wanted me to “invest” a “small amount” of $3,500 into his promoter business. The purpose of this was to prove my loyalty and that I truly was down for him. And last but not least, he didn’t provide a lot of information about himself but a google search indicated that he was arrested fairly frequently on bail bond violations. I don’t know why, but I have this weird sixth sense thing that goes off when people lie to me or don’t tell me the full story. Huge red flag and ultimate deal breaker. Needless to say, he earned his exit pass out my life. Definitely not for me. 

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Attraction at its finest 

Not too long ago the was an article circulating over social media written by a woman who said that she married a man she wasn’t attracted to and that it worked out in the end. You can read the actual article here. Naturally, the article generated a lot of conversation and many people insisted that it was something that they would never do. Almost everyone agrees that beauty can be fleeting. People change over the years and their bodies change with them. But as someone aptly put it, you don’t want to wake up every morning and have to die to self when you see your spouse’s face. It can be done, but it’s not ideal. In my limited experience I’ve found myself giving a guy a chance even when I didn’t find him in any way attractive. Hoping in some way that his other positive attributes would override the fact that he just wasn’t handsome to me. Epic fail. So I’m going to discontinue the practice. Not that I won’t be open anymore but an “absolutely not” is going to stay that way without all my internal criticism of being shallow and missing out. Everyone deserves a significant other who finds them attractive and it’s unfair to them to try to make something work that won’t. It’s not shallow to want to be with someone you’re attracted to but you have to remember that there are a lot of pretty ugly people out there (pretty on the outside and ugly on the inside). Looks can’t drive EVERYTHING but they do matter. 

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What Your Girlfriend With Anxiety Wants, But Won’t Ever Ask For — Thought Catalog

@BYONELOVEShe wants your reassurance without you perceiving her as ‘needy’. She wants to hear you say you love her and that you’re not going anywhere. She wants your arms around her as you say it, showing her with your affection how much you care. She wants you to understand and not be annoyed when she…

via What Your Girlfriend With Anxiety Wants, But Won’t Ever Ask For — Thought Catalog

 

Without adding any snarky comments and making a generalization about “all” men out there, I will say that this sounds nice. It’s interesting how people who appear so self assured in other areas of their life can feel so unsettled and anxious within a relationship. I think that it’s because there’s something that is out of their control. It feels weird and different and naturally some anxiety ensues because you find yourself really self-doubting for the first time in a while. Great article

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Happy and what?

Not too long ago I ran across an interesting article and immediately shared it with a friend who also agreed wholeheartedly with the author. You can read it here. As a therapist I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve talked to clients about accepting themselves and not basing their happiness on the presence of another person. But let’s admit it, we all want acceptance, companionship, and validation. The author brings out a good point when she talks about a strange sort of contentment in doing your own thing 100% of the time. You don’t have to consult with anyone or let someone know where you’re going when you leave the house. It’s like settling into a homeostasis of sorts. You aren’t obligated to constantly think about the welfare of another person. If only you could order a significant other as easily as one does an Uber or Lyft. You could specify various characteristics that you wanted and then request. As promised, a companion would suddenly appear on your doorstep, the epitome of all your hopes and dreams. No heartache or second guessing because you’ve just met your soulmate and you know that you’ll live happily ever after. Let’s be real, there’s a certain amount of selfish that is perfectly acceptable being a single person that just won’t fly in a relationship. You can’t get your way and never compromise and still expect to have a successful partnership. The author brings out a good point when she discusses the constant self-analysis and diagnosis that happens when you try to make sense of a phenomenon that is supposed to occur within a certain time frame. I have to say that I agree with her conclusion.

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It’s casual 

I’ve never been much of a groupie but I must admit that it was cool to share an airport terminal train with Michaela Watkins, one of the stars in my favorite Hulu show, Casual. While it definitely contains some adult content, the show accurate depicts a lot of the confusion and anguish that can accompany relationships that merely casual. Michaela plays a therapist who is a recent divorcee and a single mother. She’s great at what she does but finds it hard to separate her personal from her own professional self. All the characters in the show experience their own personal crisis that make them more aware of who they are as people. The show is messy like real life often is. There’s so much ambivalence and the characters struggle with being honest with themselves and their partners. We often have to operate and make decisions based on limited information. Casual is a good show because it makes you think and do some honest analysis of the complicated relationships in your life. 

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Year 26

As usual, this is the traditional somewhat reflective post of this past year. Seeing that my birthday is only a few days again, it seemed only fitting to do some reflection. I have to admit that as an introvert, I spend a lot of time in reflection and analyzing. A year ago, I had just made the decision to relocate across the county and I was still settling in. I hadn’t gotten my apartment yet and job prospects weren’t the greatest. As opposed to receiving gifts and being treated, I treated my family to lunch. The day was cold and dreary and I remember thinking that I was alone as always–never having had a significant other for my birthday at any point in my life. And this year the tradition continues. As I reflect, I keep trying to remember a moment or moments that were epic. Where I had the chance to experience something out of the ordinary or feel special to someone for a few moments. And as I think about it, I did have that moment. I was sitting in the passenger side of a rented Toyota Camry and I was crying. Not loud and obnoxious but it was a heart cry. The one where you’re silent and tears are just running down in rivers down your face. I was crying because I didn’t want my boyfriend (at the time) to leave and drive back to where he lived 3 hours away. It was the first time in my life that I felt safe enough to be vulnerable and cry in front of someone. He was great. He just held my hand and sang off-key to me. It was actually kinda cute and cheered me up. I got it together and wished him a tear free goodbye not knowing that I would never see him again (still haven’t), because he called me a week later and dumped me. This past year has definitely been one full of heartbreak and questioning myself over and over again. What’s wrong with me? Why am I always the one screwed over at the end of the day? Am I really THAT hard to stay with? Does no one appreciate loyalty or loves these days? Being honest, I had two huge heartbreaks and then a whole bunch of smaller ones to break up the monotony. This was the year I gave dating a chance and it just didn’t work out at all. But I quit a job that I hated and I moved across the country. And in the end I’m still alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely grateful for my life and supportive family and I’ve had the opportunity to accomplish some decent things professionally but I miss having someone to share that with. Every. Damn. Day. It’s been a long long year with plenty of sleepless nights and crying at random times because I just wanted someone in my corner to be supportive of me no matter what and to match my feelings for them. Obviously up to this point it’s been an epic fail but as I find myself saying every year around my birthday, “maybe next year.”

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Quick turnaround 

As my birthday draws a bit closer I thought I’d do a throwback story from way back in the vault on one of my first romantic interactions. Growing up, I was homeschooled so there wasn’t a lot of time for meaningful interactions with the opposite sex. While my parents were active in a church, dating was highly–and I mean HIGHLY discouraged. Needless to say, nothing notable happened on the romantic front during high school. Fast forward to the summer after my first semester of college. I did a youth scholarship program to raise money that consisted of going to the DMV area to sell books (door to door, parking lots, and businesses). While I learned a lot, it wasn’t easy being rejected on an hourly basis but I survived. I went with a group of other college students that included a few guys. There was one in particular who was interesting. He was very headstrong and not the most mature like many 18 or 19 year old freshman. Living with a group of people for two months straight has its pros and cons. We all got to know each other really well. The guy and I became pretty cool. Not close, but cool. We had some good conversations but nothing remotely romantic in nature. Fast forward to the end of the summer. The group disbands and we all go our separate ways. Not too long afterwards he contacted me. We talked for a while and then he confessed that he had had a crush on me during the summer when we worked together. He talked about wanting to get to know me better and spending more time together when we went back to campus in August. I was surprised but somewhat agreeable to the idea. He got off the phone with a promise to call the next day. The next days rolls around and I get a call from him as promised. This time it’s a very short call. He’s made a mistake and he’s sorry. He wants to take everything back about getting to know me better and doesn’t know why he said that but he still thinks I’m a good person.While it was surprising, it wasn’t crushing. I didn’t have much of a reaction. I pretty much said “have a nice life” and hung up. And as expected, I never heard from him again…