Tag Archives: advice

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Minding your Business

Minding your Business

This picture caught my eye because it’s definitely something that I’ve been learning to do. Growing up my mom used to always tell me that if you help someone without their permission they’ll turn around and persecute you. As an adult, I’ve experienced this firsthand. I’ve always been someone who has been willing to go above and beyond the call of duty in order to help someone. Recently I’ve learned the importance of being cautious as help people. One of the things that my therapist education has taught me is to rarely if ever give advice. Four words I will probably never use, or very rarely use “In my professional opinion.” The reason for this is because people will rarely tell you the full story. They’ll tell you a side that makes them look like the person that is being wronged when in reality, either they’re the culprit or they share the blame. I’ve learned that most people don’t want help. They just say that they do. Saying that you want to change and actually CHANGING are totally different things entirely. Good intentions don’t equal good actions. One of the problems with giving advice is that you rarely ever know the full story. If the person follows your advice and it turns out to be wrong, 9 times out of 10 they’ll blame you. I’ve gotten out of the “I’m a therapist so tell me all your problems” syndrome. I don’t counsel family or friends and I don’t say what I think unless it’s asked. And even then, I do it pretty sparingly. Most people don’t want counsel. They just want a listening an empathetic ear. I find it much easier to just let people know that I’m here if they need me and just leave it there.

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Attitude Excuses

Attitude Excuses

I thought that this picture was somewhat thought provoking because it implies a lot. However, I think that there’s definitely a difference between being strong and having an attitude. Just because you’re confident and can do things by yourself doesn’t mean that you have an attitude. I know women who honestly have a nasty attitude and say that they are merely “strong willed.” Not true. This picture implies that one of the characteristics of a weak man is that he mistakes being a strong person with having an attitude. While this may be true, it’s important to remember that having a perpetual attitude is never cute or attractive. It’s just annoying and draining to the people around you. Whenever I see that I’m reminded of the real-ness of personality disorders. But I digress. My point is that being strong and having an attitude are truly two separate things that should not be confused.

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The Art of Communication

The Art of Communication

I feel like I need to make a disclaimer that I am writing this on 0 hours of sleep so my attempts to proofread before posting will likely be futile due to exhaustion and the magnetic force of sleep. First off, this article pretty much exactly captures my beliefs on texting. As a child of the technology age, I will be the first to admit that texting is definitely a time saver. Who wants to spend ten minutes in a conversation when you can convey your thoughts in ten seconds? I remember getting charged money (probably five cents or so) in order to send and receive text messages. It really made me consider and think twice about who I was texting. My whole point is that somewhere along the way we’ve lost the human connection. Texting someone who you know well is different than texting someone you just met due to the fact that there is already an established relationship between you and your friend.  You are aware of the nuances that come along with how he or she phrases their sentences. It’s so much easier to read between the lines because you know what they are trying to say and what they actually mean. I recently had the most unpleasant experience of having an extremely awkward conversation via phone. I was talking to this individual who shall remain nameless, and I felt at a loss. I remember thinking to myself that this individual must be an avid texter because they just could not talk. And by saying this, I mean that they did not have the art of holding a conversation–at least over the phone. Being a therapist, I’m pretty good at asking questions that invite people to open up and to tell me what is really going on in their lives. However, asking questions to this person was akin to pulling teeth. Slowly. Without anesthesia.  Most annoying thing ever. I would ask a question and the answer would be non relevant to the question. The information that I was able to gather was confirmation that this individual’s number would soon be collecting dust in my phone so I simply acted on the inevitable and deleted the number after that first conversation.  Plus, this person did not know me well so I was not as concerned about building rapport. I just wanted a decent conversation but it was not to be.  While I am definitely more of a fan of texting than calling, there comes a time where you just need to pick up the phone and call someone. There are few feelings as great as having a great face to face or phone conversation. You just don’t get that through text messaging. So take some time to give some people an actual call. Build your communication skill-set. Just remember that you miss a lot when you text so take some time and give some old friends a call instead of texting them.

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You don’t have to be……

Occasionally, I come across videos on youtube that I feel just need to be shared for the sole purpose of bringing a smile to the face of another. This one I found fairly amusing. Ms. Patricia seems to be trying to convey a message to the young women of the world regarding their choices of male companions. It seems obvious that she wants to be relevant hence the background music as she twirls and sashays while communicating her message. I couldn’t help but wonder if this message was life-changing for some poor soul who really didn’t know that she did not have to personally identify as a gardening tool. I’m sure that Ms. Patricia’s motives for making this video came from a genuine place of concern for the welfare of others and a desire to appeal to the youth. However her methods were flawed. Quite flawed.

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Attaching Securely

There’s this theory in the counseling world about attachment. The basic premise of this theory is that our relationships with others are a result of our first relationships with our primary caregivers. This goes all the way back to being a newborn. Babies are conditioned to cry in order to get their needs met. The process of crying and then having someone come to their aid reinforces the fact that they are safe and that someone will care for them. When a baby is ignored for long periods of time and his or her basic needs are not adequately met, either the baby becomes really clingy or the baby can stop crying and withdraw. It’s funny how you can see the same behavior in adults when they feel that their needs are not being met. What all this means is that people can find themselves in emotional distress due to not having a secure attachment with their primary caregiver when younger or even not having a secure attachment when they are adults. A secure attachment is when you are securely connected to someone (usually a significant other) who you can trust and allow yourself to be vulnerable with. The whole idea is that if you have a secure attachment you won’t be as concerned about what others think about you because you have at least one person in your life who means a lot to you and is 100% supportive of you. It took me taking an actual class about this to realize that I don’t have a secure attachment with anyone right now. Definitely not the greatest news to discover as a therapist but it wasn’t a huge surprise. And while that is something that I’d like to change, I’m not quite sure if I want it to change. I’ve mentioned the “three year rule” in a previous post and that would definitely come into play as far as me having a secure attachment. I’m not necessarily upset about that, but I’m not ok with it as well. However, that’s where I am for the time being and it’s going to take me being super deliberate in order to change that.

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Staying Busy

Staying Busy

I saw this picture posted on Instagram and I thought that it was an excellent concept. It’s so easy to keep track of the mistakes of other people instead of working to address your own. This is especially true if you’re surrounded by incompetent and inattentive people. I try to remember that most people are doing the best that they can and don’t know any better. In my experience, it helps to stay busy because the more productive I am, the less time I use thinking about what someone else is doing because my focus is no longer on them. I think that if you start doing what needs to be done to improve your life, you also won’t spend as much time comparing yourself with other people in order to feel better. We’ve all done that in some way. Focus on what needs to be done in your life and you’ll have less time to focus on what other people need to do.

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Looking hard enough

One thing that I hear from time to time is that good men don’t exist anymore. Hearing this assertion both irritates and annoys me because it’s usually said by someone who is bitter and still scarred from a previous experience. And while I get that this opinion usually comes from some sort of frustration, I don’t think that it makes a lot of sense. Logically, if you say that there are no good men left, you have to actually know what a good man IS. This definition of a good man should not be generated from a romance novel or some tear-jerking chick flick movie because it’s unrealistic. I think that a lot of women are caught up in this Hollywood/romantic novel ideal of a knight in shining armor that has no flaws, a six pack, and a very comfortable six figure job. I’ve never had any problem locating decent guys and that’s actually an accomplishment considering the fact that I live in the middle of NOWHERE. They are rare, but they exist. You just have to know where to look and also WHAT you’re looking for. But you have to keep in mind that a lot of times a good man may not always be the best looking, most outgoing, or the most attractive. However, that doesn’t negate the fact that he actually exists. It just may not be in the packaging that you want.

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The eyelids of love

There are so many definitions of love floating around. We’ve all heard of the term “falling in love” and I think that many times people get caught up in the hype that love is a feeling 100% of the time. I won’t deny that those fluttery butterflies in your stomach aren’t cute, but that’s not the most long term aspect of love. Many times people say that they can’t help that they fell in love with someone. While I’m not discounting their experience, I think that it’s indeed possible to pick someone to fall in love with. Doing so requires self awareness and self control. I’ve noticed people who turn a blind eye to huge hints about a side of their significant other’s character that isn’t pleasant. All in the name of love. They loudly proclaim that they can forgive any faults because they “love” this specific individual. The eyelids of love are closed. They’re “blind” and not thinking clearly because emotions have won the battle between reality and how they feel. I’m pretty big on planning and I like to know what I’m getting into before I actually commit to it. I believe that love should be the same way. Just like the human eye blinks as a way to moisturize and get impurities out, I think that loving someone involves seeing past certain character flaws (eyelids closed) while acknowledging the role that these flaws will play in the relationship (eyes open). I’m not talking about having standards that are so high that nobody will ever measure up. I’m referring to being able to look at both pros and cons with a balanced outlook that isn’t tainted by something as temporary as feelings. Let’s face it. Feelings change. That’s why you should know what you’re getting before you decide it’s what you’ve waited all your life for. Keep both eyes open but remember to blink.

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Who’s your hero?

I think that everyone at some point in their childhood desired or wanted to be like someone else. Whether it was a character from a TV show, or even a person that had admirable qualities. I think that you can tell a lot about a person by who they name as their hero. I think that we pick heroes based on our own perception of our deficiencies. We pick role models based on the fact that we see something in them that we want to emulate in our own lives. I don’t remember having a lot of heroes growing up. While I admire and respected certain people for their accomplishments, I can’t honesty say that I remember declaring that so and so was my hero (or shero). I know people who have the opportunity to be mentored by other people who they consider their heroes. While I love the idea of having a mentor, role model, and hero all rolled into one person, I wonder how realistic it is to expect to encounter that. In my work with kids in the therapy room, I’ve noticed that the term “hero” can have many different meanings. I think that our heroes change as we grow older and develop our own unique perspectives. Take a minute this week to think about who your hero is and what qualities that they had (or have) that you are still working towards then jot down some ideas of what you can do or focus on to practice some of these qualities.

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Situationships

I’ve encountered a lot of people recently who have gotten into situationships instead of relationships. A situationship occurs when you get into a psudo-relationship with someone else because you’re going through a hard time in your life or you’re facing a lot of situational stress. The bottom line is that you aren’t thinking clearly. Many people in these situations are emotionally vulnerable and they easily settle for someone who appears good for them because they are tired of being alone. However, when they discover that they’ve made the wrong choice, they still don’t do anything differently. I personally think that some of the most dysfunctional relationships are born out of desperation. People want the ideal relationship but never actually take the time to think through their actions. We are friends with people we don’t like. We marry people we don’t like. We even have children with people we don’t like. This does nothing but add to the confusion and chaos in our lives. We (including myself) have to come to a point where we stop doing permanent things with temporary people and expecting everything to work out. It’s important to realize that it is so much easier to slip into a situationship than it is to take the time to grow and build a genuine relationship. Remember that situationships are just that. Situational. They have a very low likelihood of ever succeeding because you’ll realize that you don’t need or even want a situationship any more after the situation has passed. They’re a temporary fix to a long term problem. Stop settling for people you never even wanted in the first place. You’ll never get back the time you wasted.