This week I’ve had the opportunity to travel across “the big pond” as they call it. As I’ve posted many times, I like traveling. Up to this point I’ve only had the experience of domestic travel. As of this week I’ve flexed my traveling wings as it were and expanded to international travel. It’s been an amazing experience that I plan to repeat at some point. Even as a kid, I would wave to planes from the ground and hope that one day I would get to ride in one and go to exotic places. One thing I was originally concerned about was the length of the flight over (8 hours) in coach. However, the fact that I was severely sleep deprived (5 hours of sleep in the past 3 days) covered any apprehension about that. I know people who can’t sleep on planes and i’m glad I’m not one of them. I had a window seat, blanket, and pillow and I was golden. One thing I didn’t expect was that the airlines served beverages, dinner, and breakfast. The best part was that it was actually eat-able. Sorta like high-class cafeteria food. I ended up sleeping for about 6 hours of the 8 hour flight. The plane I flew in was the largest one to date I had flown in. A total of 10 seats across with two aisles. Plus it was full. One thing I’ve learned is that international travel requires a different mindset. It’s something that usually isn’t accidentally done. You have to plan and plot in order to make it happen (if you’re not super rich or a celebrity). Consequently, this makes you appreciate the experience more. I definitely don’t take my time here for granted because I’ve put so much time and energy into it. It’s been great.
Category Archives: What I Think
Staying Home
This article was especially thought provoking to me. Growing up, it almost seemed to be an expectation that I would get married, have kids, and stay at home with them like my mother had done. The interesting thing about this article is that the author speaks of regretting her decision to do this. She lists numerous reasons for these regrets and among those reasons is the fact that she became outdated and lost confidence. It appears that she also put so much time into her family and being a stay at home mother that she lost who she was in the process. I’m all for spending a lot of time with your kids but when you’re THAT involved, it can make the letting go process a lot harder. Plus, it’s not the healthiest thing to make your kids your ENTIRE world because you’re setting yourself up for disappointment when they leave your care. As someone who is somewhat of a control freak, I like the structure that can come as a result of parenting my own kids and being with them day in and day out. However, I also want to have a life outside of raising kids. As someone who has spent a LOT of money on education, I want to be able to use that in some capacity while still being a present and effective parent. While some people feel comfortable and totally ok with dropping everything career related in order to raise their kids, there’s the chance of falling into the same boat as the author of this article. Keeping up your skills and licenses can still be done while being a good parent. Plus, it’s less work to pick up where you left off when the kids leave. Regardless of all that, the decision to stay at home with your kids should be something that you know will work for you in the long run.
Creating a winner
I was reading something that one of my Facebook friends posted about relationships that was related closely to this picture. One thing about humans is that we naturally hate to lose. Guys are in no way excluded from this. One of my major pet peeves is when women totally take their man for granted. But I digress. The point is that there’s a certain amount of truth to the saying, “behind a good man is a good woman.” Chances are if you take the time to be intentional at consistently treating your man like a winner, you’ll see the results of your actions. While we can’t make people change we can influence change by our behaviors toward them. Someone’s confidence in you can make you more confident. It’s all about creating an atmosphere of optimism, creativity, and winning in life. People who know how to effectively do this reap some very nice benefits and they have happier relationships. Because if you treat someone like a winner long enough they’ll actually start to believe it themselves and their actions will follow suit.
Stop the Bashing
There are few things in life more irritating than writing something substantially long and then realizing that it didn’t save. Nevertheless, this is draft number two. Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of man bashing posts on social media and also in conversations. The problem with this is that the complaints go from “I can’t find a man” to “all men are dogs” to “I don’t need a man and I never will.” Women complain about chivalry being obsolete but fail to recognize that we had a big role in its demise. There’s an independent woman attitude but below it is insecurity and sadness. Women who say that men are all dogs do themselves a huge disservice. They apparently think that their situations will be inclined to change after talking about the horrible mistakes of the last man they dated. The truth of the matter is that if every man you’ve dated has done you wrong, you’re the common denominator. YOU are the problem. While you can’t be responsible for the actions of others, you can decide how you respond to them and what role they play in your life. Condemning a whole gender because of the actions of a few is not only pointless but shows everyone your lack of maturity. It’s not cute or funny to do it because you’re setting yourself up to not appreciate a good man if he comes. Women complain that there aren’t any good man left but that isn’t true. Many times they’re hiding in the emotional no-fly zone called the friendzone and are just disregarded. You’re not likely to find a good man if you continue bashing all men. If all your girlfriends are single, fat, and bitter, chances are that you’ll end up as at least one of those things. But regardless of all that, man bashing just doesn’t make sense and at the end of the day, it’s just not productive.
Dreamless
This past week has been interesting as I laid to rest a 6 year dream of mine. As someone who often plans years in advance, it was a disappointment that the hundreds of choices I made that were in line with this dream were all for naught. I knew it was coming and I knew that it would be uncomfortable but I misjudged the level of non comfort I would feel. Dreams can be one of the things in our lives that inspire us to hope. It’s interesting how I was so convinced at one point that I would have my dream fulfilled but as time passed, I saw it escaping my grasp until it was gone completely. And there was nothing I could do about it. I think that we’ve all been in places where things have happened out of our control that we can’t fix. The crushing of a dream requires an evaluation of one’s life and goals. You think in a different way because your thoughts are no longer filtered through the lens of your dream. The finality of that fact might be both a blessing and a curse because it requires an adjustment of thought. However, we have to acknowledge the change in our lives and in some situations fill the gap of the dead dream with another dream that we can pursue. We can take the “L” and move on with the knowledge that we learned something worthwhile from the experience despite the discomfort at the end.
Can you listen?
Listening seems to be a skill that has lost value over the past few years. While people hear, they very rarely take the time to listen. I remember experiencing this as a younger child of three. My grandparents were in town and I was riding with them. Consequently, they got turned around and I as the non-directionally challenged three year old proceeded to tell them how to get to our destination. For some odd reason, my grandparents decided that the word of a three year old wasn’t valid so they proceeded to ignore my directions and ask people around them. Finally after about an hour of driving they decided to give my directions a try and they ended up right where we needed to be. I say all this to say that listening is a lot harder than merely hearing. Listening involves putting your own agenda to the side and devoting your attention and focus to the words of the other individual. It means that you aren’t day dreaming about vacation or your grocery shopping list while they are talking. Listening gives you insights you wouldn’t have gotten otherwise. It challenges you to think differently and to develop empathy and understanding of the other person’s viewpoint or perspective. I’ve listening to many a person and heard what they were trying to say but weren’t really saying. Complaining about a spouse’s job or time spent with their friends sometimes meant, “I’m feeling neglected and want you to invest some of your time and energy in me.” Yet, their message wasn’t getting through because their spouse wasn’t really listening to what they were trying to say. Being deliberate in taking the time to really listen will make a difference. Guaranteed.
Valid but Irrelevant
I feel like so much time is spent on people’s feelings. I say this in the context of therapy and relationships. Feelings aren’t necessarily bad but they can blind us as to what’s going on. Almost everyone can think of a time where they didn’t want to do something or didn’t feel like doing something but yet they did it anyway. Were their feelings any less valid? No. Most probably had a legitimate reason to feel the way that they did. One thing I found myself thinking about this week was that our feelings are always valid. This means that we feel the way we do for a variety of reasons that don’t require an explanation. While the feelings are always valid, they are sometimes not relevant. This means that we have to take the time to look beyond what’s now. While validating our own feelings we can also acknowledge the fact that at times feelings are completely irrelevant. Meaning that while they can be uncomfortable, we can’t afford to base our lives on the shaky foundation of how we feel.
Fine lines and strategy
During a conversation that I had earlier this week, someone said to me that there’s a fine line between strategy and manipulation and we cross that line all the time. It really made me think about all the times that we do things that would normally be characterized as manipulative but are actually strategic. Therapists do this all the time with clients. The thing is that the difference between being manipulative and being strategic is that when you’re strategic you have the other person’s well being as a priority. Being manipulative is more self serving. This automatically made me think of all the times that people have manipulated situations or people for the sake of getting or appearing good to a potential significant other. Some might argue that these actions are more strategic than manipulative. I think that they can go either way. If you’re sincerely convinced that your presence in the daily life of your potential significant other will enhance or benefit them in some way, you’re more on the strategic end of the fine line. In no way am I advocating for stalking and not taking “no” for an answer, but we have to realize that there are times we have to strategize in order to get an actual chance. Sometimes you just have to know what end result you want and strategize backwards in order to get it because it’s the only plausible option. Because the line between manipulation and strategy can be so blurred, examining your motives can be one of the only ways you can know what side of the fence you’re on.
The social media truth
This week I’ve taken a break from two of the most popular social media sites. It’s not been super easy but good in the long run to gather my thoughts together. I’ve never fully understood the point of posting about every single mundane detail that happens in your life. But I admit that it’s interesting to browse and see what’s going on. The thing about social media is that it can have you convinced that you are close to someone when you’re not. Liking their activity or commenting does not mean they are obligated to let you in their real life lives. Social media allows you to be whoever you want to be. You can create an image or a perception of a person that is the complete opposite of your personality. There’s also sometimes even a false perception on anonymity,so in contrast, other individuals might be more honest on social media than they ever are in person. The fact that is ignored by millions is the fact that time spent on social media sites you don’t get back. There are people who make money but the vast majority isn’t paid to do anything on social media. It’s like a black hole of time that you’ll never get back–or even compensated for. I’m not debating the rightness or wrongness excessive social media time but the truth is that too much of a good thing is a bad thing.
Dream killers
One thing that I really like about therapy is that you have the opportunity to hold the hope in the room. What I mean by that is that I have the opportunity to be a source of hope for a couple or family that has lost theirs. Hopes and dreams are very related to each in that both are intangible. They both deal with the future and looking away from the current situation. Being a dream or hope holder means that you can be optimistic for the person in a hard situation. I’ve noticed both with myself and with other colleagues that sometimes it’s easier holding someone else’s hope as opposed to getting or keeping your own. How many of us kill our hopes and dreams for a myriad of reasons? Instead of not tending to them and letting then die on their own accord, we aggressively mentally hack our hopes and dreams to pieces. It’s almost as if we don’t want to give ourselves the option of succeeding. Yet there’s something in us that wants to hope against hope. However we ignore this and continue to sabotage our hopes and dreams. The problem with doing is that sometimes there is a reason we have certain hopes and dreams. Killing them uses up energy that could be put to better use. Humans are adaptable and resilient and deep down inside most people want to know that they matter in some way and that their dreams are reachable. Maybe making the decision to not sabotage your hopes and dreams because of outside factors is the beginning of something big.
Alisha's Angle 