One more date story and I won’t post another one for a while…. Anyway, once upon a time I was told that the way to meet a nice and stable significant other was join a nice church and get very involved to the extent that I forgot about getting a significant other and then he would magically appear. He would sing my praises. And tell me that he had been watching me since day was and was impressed with my selflessness and willingness to dedicate my time to a worthy cause and we would live happily ever after. (totally different blog topic). Needless to say, I decided that I needed to become more involved in church related activities and joined a church. A rather large one. One day after service I got approached by this guy. Well, more like stalked because he lurked in the shadows while I was talking to other people. He tried to be discreet by looking at his phone (oldest “newest” trick in the book) and looking away whenever I glanced in his direction. Side note, working in a locked secure unit with psychotic individuals will make you learn how to be extremely aware of your surroundings at all times. Anyway, he didn’t approach me and I continued to talk to other people. I soon wrapped up my conversations and headed for the door. Then he made his move and called out “Ma’am!” as I was headed to my car. Not trying to be rude, I stopped walking and waited for him to catch up. He told me his name and stuck out his hand for the limpest handshake in life. I didn’t hold it against too much because homeboy was super nervous. He started to stutter because he was so nervous. As painful as it was to watch, I decided to do the right/nice thing. I’ve been told that I appear way too unapproachable and I tend to have a “don’t talk to me” vibe/persona/whatever when I have something to do or a timeframe. So this guy stutters through telling me that he’d like to get to know me better and asking for my number. I knew that it took a lot to get up the courage to approach me and I didn’t want to brush him off because rejection really sucks and he had this little puppy dog look. I’ve never been in the business of crushing hearts and dreams. I felt bad for him but also wanted to provide some positive reinforcement to approach other women in the future. There’s enough men out there who don’t. So I gave him my number. The real one. And inwardly shuddered while doing so. About a week or so later he called me up. I answer the phone and there’s this long awkward pause. He doesn’t say hello, he just breathes. So I say hello again and he finally responds to the greeting. After this follows the most awkward conversation I’ve probably ever had over the phone. It’s apparent that he expects me to carry the entire conversation so I put on my therapist hat and made an effort to engage him. No luck..he gives vague one word answers and it’s the conversational equivalent of pulling teeth. So I make a very legitimate excuse about needing to get my rest for the night and I end the call. I don’t hear anything from him for a few weeks. I’m not really surprised. Then one Saturday he calls me again. Another awkward conversation ensues. But this time he’s asking me out to a comedy show he won 4 tickets to. He tells me that he has a friend who wants to go and he asks me to find a friend to come as well so it’s a double date. Being as accommodating as I am I told he I could probably find someone but that his friend would have to pay for what she ordered. He balked a little but eventually agreed. Mind you, he asked me out on the day of the event with about 5 hours advance notice. Needless to say, I found a friend who agreed to come along. We got to the place and he was late. I get it. Things happen. He apologized. The three of us waited for his friend to arrive. And waited. And waited. The venue opened and people were going in. They announced that the doors would be closed after a certain time and no one else would be allowed entry so that the show wouldn’t be interrupted. No friend in sight. He wanted to wait for his friend to arrive before we went inside but gently insisted that we had 3 out of the 4 people present and that it didn’t make sense to miss out on the entire show just because one person was late. He begrudgingly agreed and called his friend. Turns out his friend was currently sitting at home watching the NBA finals and said that he intended to leave his house when the game ended. So we went inside and watched the show. His friend arrived about an hour and a half late and snuck in through the stage entrance in order to get in because the main doors were closed. My guy had a grand old time and probably about 4 beers too many. His hyena like laughter bounced off the ways off the venue and his friend’s manners weren’t that great either. However, when the bill came they both paid for our food. So if having food paid for is the determining factor for a date I guess this was one. My friend went home and he offered to walk me to my car. I guess hoping to chat a bit more or at least get some reward for his efforts. His friend followed him as he walked me to my car. I thought it was hilarious. Now, I’m not the expert by any means on social cues but if my friend has a date and he’s walking her back to her car I know enough not to follow them both right to her car door. Apparently his friend didn’t get that memo. Needless to say, the nonexistent mood was killed. He texted me again a few weeks later. I didn’t reply.
Category Archives: What I Think
Milestones (four years)
I’ve always been a fan of the Olympics. There’s something to be said about watching people compete to be the best in the world. I remember wanting to attend the summer games when the Olympics were in Atlanta. We only lived about 3 or 4 hours away but my parents quickly vetoed that course of action. But in their defense, they DID have 4 children under the age of 7 at the time. As a homeschooler, I talked my mother into letting me write a report on the Olympics to count for school credit and I watched for hours at the 2000 Summer Games. I remember always thinking about how old I would be when the next Olympic games came around and what my life would look like. So much has changed every four years in my life up to this point. From watching the games in my living room in the middle-of-nowhere Alabama, to watching in between classes and homework as a college freshman, to watching highlights online in my Colorado apartment because I didn’t have cable as a struggling graduate student, to watching in my living room as a doctoral student in metro Atlanta. I have so much respect for all the athletes who have dedicated their life to a literal pursuit of being the best in the world in a particular sport. It takes so much focus and determination and work behind the scenes to be able to get to that point. They have pushed themselves over and over again and now are engaged in a competition where they will have the chance to prove themselves and bring home the gold to their home countries. But it’s also a reminder to me to do something interesting or reinvent myself in some way every four years. There’s too much time in that 4 year gap to not do something unique and productive. After all, they say “good” is the enemy of “great.”
My first “real” date
I always attempt to not tell personal stories too soon after the fact so that I doesn’t seem like I’m going after anyone. Anyway, this story is about 2 years old so I figure that it’ll be ok. Here goes:Two years ago I lived in a western state and decided that I was going to try online dating. I didn’t have any prospects and figured that after years of “focusing on school and my career” that it was time to at least test out the waters to see if the bad luck of college had followed me through graduate school. I created a profile on a very popular website that has tv commercials all the time talking about how people are matched based on their compatibility in multiple areas. I got matched with someone and went through all the preliminary questions in order to finally message him. I’ll call him “Sam.” Now, Sam looked really good on paper. He enjoyed playing soccer, had a masters degree and seemed pretty well rounded. We started talking and he asked for my number. Not too long afterwards he called me and we chatted for a bit. He had a Caribbean accent and seemed ok. He asked me out on a date and I picked a burger place not too far from where we both lived. I drove out to the place and got there early as usual. I went inside to wait for him. So he got there and he didn’t look like his picture. I take it back, he looked like his “from the shoulders up” picture. But I was looking at him in his eye. We were the same height. Now, I know height is something that can’t be changed and that no one has any control over so I kept an open mind. We got out seats and sat down and proceeded to order food. At that point I told him that I was a vegetarian and homeboy was flabbergasted. You would have thought that I said I was the offspring of aliens from Mars. “You’re just so weird,” was said multiple times during the conversation in response to other things that I disclosed (like being homeschooled). The food arrived with his coming first and he proceeded to eat while I was still waiting for my food. I understand that there are people who weren’t raised to wait for others before just digging in but I was still somewhat annoyed by his declarations of how weird I was. The conversation continued. He said that he was ready for a serious relationship and marriage and asked if I was on the same page. However under closer inquiry he disclosed that he lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 of his friends and didn’t intend to get his own place anytime soon. Fine. Rents are high, you save money when you can split bills. Then he says that he doesn’t have a car . I asked why because it clearly wasn’t a financial issue (he was a CPA working for a decent sized firm), and he said that he didn’t think it was necessary. But you’re “ready” for a wife and kids? The conversation ended soon afterwards (to be honest I was just tired of being called “weird” 20 times in a row). When the bill came I’m pretty sure we split it as he didn’t offer to pay for what I ordered. We start to go outside and I realize how dark it’s gotten and I look at him. The poor thing doesn’t look like he could defend himself against anything, he looked about 115lbs soaking wet. He had taken the bus to the restaurant. So, out of some maternal urge to help someone in their time of need I had compassion (maybe pity) on him and offered to drive him home. He eagerly accepted the offer. So I took him home. He thanked me for not leaving him to wait for the bus in the dark. He tried to hug me before he got out the car and it was the most awkward hug I’ve ever experienced. He asked me when we were going to get together again. I smiled and never replied. Ever.
Just a hassle
Recently I’ve seen a lot of social media posts about people getting engaged and also getting married. However, there is also a lot of the opposite. I saw an individual posted on social media how much it hurts to find out that you meant nothing to the other person after thinking that you meant the world to them. An author whose page I follow also posed a question asking if people are tired of dating and the overwhelming response to the post was that most people had given up on ever finding a significant romantic relationship. I wasn’t too surprised to read the responses and I found that it was easy to relate to what people were saying. While I think that’s it’s wrong to say that there are no good men/women left in the world, it would be stupid not to acknowledge how difficult it can be to “find” a normal,stable, and fairly sane person. Dating in today’s world is not as glamorous as it is in the movies and there are hundreds of unspoken rules and expectations that one is expected to just “know.” Let’s face it, it can be a hard world for a hopeless romantic. Dating can easily turn into a cycle that’s similar to fishing where you catch fish but keep throwing them back into the water because they aren’t what you’re looking for. Personally, I find it annoying when people talk about how your perfect match is “out there” and that you have a kiss a lot of frogs in order to find your prince. I don’t know if it’s really worth all that hassle.
Adult decisions
About a year ago I made a pretty important adult decision. It’s funny how adult decisions can be so defining for you. It’s always a choice pertaining to the future and isn’t as mundane as deciding what to have for lunch. I think of adult decisions as the ones where you take time to decide. The decision process is deliberate and takes time. You carefully weigh the pros and cons of your decision. You research the emotional consequences and additional ramifications that may come as a result of your decision. Sometimes this decision involves consulting with trusted friends. You mull over it in your mind. You sleep on it. You run through all the possible outcomes of the decision and make allowances for anything that could go wrong or not according to plan. And then you make the decision. It’s almost like you build a house of fragile materials and then you hope that it lasts. You let the chips fall where they may and you deal with it.
Keeping toxic people around
I tweeted earlier this week about how it was funny we tend to keep toxic people around because we’re familiar with them. I think that there’s so much to be said about the familiar and how much it influences our daily lives. I think that there are people we keep around solely because we know what to expect from them. We know that they will be unreliable, late, and unapologetic and we plan accordingly. Personally, I’m the kind of person who will put up with a lot. However, when I’m done dealing with it–after a few days or even a few years, it’s over. I do enough ensure that I’ve done what I could do and after that I walk away without looking back. There are people who stay around because they’re harmless once you realize that you can’t believe anything they say or count on them. Knowing this takes away the annoyance and frustration and you adjust accordingly. Needless to say, I prefer dealing with someone I know as opposed to someone I’m trying to figure out. Toxic people are less harmful (in my opinion) when you know how they function and you don’t expect anything from them. It’s when you start expecting qualities like loyalty, honesty, and trust that the problem starts.
Jilly from Philly
I’m a Jill Scott fan from afar. I say that because while I like almost all her music, frequently play her Pandora station and listen to full albums on Amazon music, but I can’t name more than 3 of her songs off the top of my head. One of them is the one that I posted. It was my go-to during the months I worked night shift and I used to play it over and over. I don’t know how but her songs feel like a warm blanket on a cold day. They are genuine, transparent and capture the human experience with a lot of honesty. I got the chance to see Jill in concert over this weekend and she was great. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more of a fan of music that not only tells a story but also transmits the emotion of the artist. That’s why I love Jill. Her music is warm and friendly reminding you of a godmother or beloved aunt that’s being honest about her life and experiences with love.
INFJ stuff
II
I don’t typically post about INFJ stuff but I really liked this because it’s my personality type and it really resonates with me. I’m always so excited to meet a fellow INFJ because it can get lonely feeling like a walking contradiction all the time. Good stuff.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29.
via 29 ‘INFJ Problems’ That Make This Rare Personality Type Truly Special — Thought Catalog
The face of modern chivalry
I saw this and just HAD to share it. Where are these kind of guys??? And if they do exist, can we clone them so there’s enough to go around???? 
Twenty20, hmmessersmith 1. After you two hang out, he texts you to make sure that you got home safely. 2. He records the shows that he knows you can’t stand, so he can watch them after you leave and won’t miss out on any time with you. 3. If his phone beeps while you’re out on a date, he won’t even…
via 27 Modern Acts Of Chivalry That Separate The Jackasses From The Gentleman — Thought Catalog
Time away
For some reason I’ve met a lot of people whose retirement plan consists of winning the lottery. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a nice dream to have but the odds aren’t the greatest. I remember reading an article somewhere that talked about how millennials don’t want to spend decades doing the same job like older generations did. I personally can’t imagine doing the same job consistently for over a year as I get bored easily but also like consistency. The truth of the matter is that it’s important to challenge yourself. I’ve started to get into the habit of doing something drastically different every once in a while. It’s amazing how much you can plan and implement when you take some time off and reflect. I like learning new skills that build on my existing knowledge base. While all my jobs haven’t been fun, they’ve taught me so much about myself. I love the idea of stability but I hate when it gets confused with monotony. Life is short and should be lived accordingly. Self-reflection and planning is critical for success. Take the time to do that instead of staying in reaction mode all the time.
Alisha's Angle 