Not too long ago I saw a post from a friend that said that there is no such thing as having new friends of the opposite sex. If you haven’t been friends with them for at least two or three years then you’re just out of luck. The first thing I thought about after reading that post was that there may be some truth to that. Depending on the situation, most people of the opposite sex don’t meet people just to be friends. There are ulterior motives that include networking or additional “benefits” that motivate people. I’m not saying that no one meets new friends of the opposite sex but I doubt that is always the primary motivation. People meet other people for personal gain as adults. Things aren’t as simple as it is when you have friends as a kid. I’ve met a lot of people in the last few years. However, the process of making someone of the opposite sex a “true” platonic friend is much more complicated than it used to be. There’s always something that one person wants from the other and very rarely does this include “true friendship.” It’s just the way of the world. Friendship is often given as a consolation prize or a compromise because both people aren’t on the same page. The point of all this is to say that it’s rare as an adult to be absolutely 100% friends with someone of the opposite sex from the very moment you meet them without thinking of what they can do for you, who they know that they can connect you to, or if there’s a chance for some additional personal gain in some way.
Tag Archives: women
People and their choices
I commented to a colleague of mine the other day that the work we do naturally makes us cynical. I’m not an expert in human behavior or personality but I’ve found that many of the clients I work with have ulterior motives. I think that’s something people don’t always want to acknowledge but it still continues to be true. There are certain times of the year where you see more people depressed because of relationships, then there’s the season of behavior problems with kids and adolescents. Somewhere in the year the presenting challenge changes to people experimenting with a new drug or hallucination with agitation. These cycles go on every year. While they aren’t always predictable, they still happen in a certain order. As I’ve said before in a previous blog, sometimes the key to not getting stuck in the dysfunction of others is to realize that you can only do so much. I can’t fix your spouse, I can’t change the fact that you’re being bullied, I can’t personally guarantee that you’ll never feel depressed again. I’ve come to the realization that life isn’t about fixing people. It’s about laying out their choices and attempting to create an environment where they feel empowered to make the right choices. And when all else fails, respecting the fact that they are ultimately the decision maker and only intervening when it’s absolutely necessary. The interesting thing is that it’s often my job to intervene. Taking away someone’s rights to make their own decisions isn’t something that’s enjoyable but it’s required. Life would be so much better for a lot of people if they took the time to think before making decisions that lead to actions when they are extremely sad, angry, or tired. But that won’t change anytime soon and as my colleagues say, I guess it’s the ultimate job security.
Right Person, Wrong Time
A million years ago when I was in college I had the opportunity to read a play that a fellow classmate wrote. She was (and still is) a super talented article and the play was somewhat biographical in nature. The story was centered around a guy and girl who were friends but the girl found herself catching feelings while realizing that the feeling wasn’t mutual. If I remember correctly, at the end of the story her guy friend ended up getting a girlfriend and the girl was left alone. The last words of the script were: “The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.” As I’ve grown older I’ve realized how true those words are. Like I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I’m a big fan of timing. I think that there are circumstances where people meet and they are very compatible with each other. They have similar interests and get along well and quickly discover that it’s easy to tolerate each other. However, despite all the ways that these two people are compatible, there is some glaring reason why something romantic and long term won’t work. It could be distance, family conflict, financial turmoil or something of the like that dictates the decisions made. The timing is all off and there’s nothing that either person can do about it. I think that situations such as those happen fairly frequently and while people can be right for each other, it may just not be the time. It’s almost like life plays a joke on you and you have no choice but to make the necessary adjustments. If there is chemistry but the timing is off, then ultimately it won’t work out. Not because someone is necessarily at fault or because of some glaring red flag but because the right person at the wrong time is (still) the wrong person.
10 Things Women Should Do Themselves
This was another article that I recently ran into. Here is the link. I was upset after reading number one and that emotion just increased in intensity as I continued to read. Actually, there were a few things that I agreed with out of the entire article. I live in a city where door opening just doesn’t happen and it was a huge adjustment to say the least. I continued to read the article and realized that I couldn’t think of a good reason to call up someone else’s parents and invite them to dinner for the sheer reason that I felt it was time we meet. Now of course there are exceptions but I would be upset if someone did that to me. Number seven though. I predicted while back that the way the world was going, we would see an increase in women proposing marriage to men. While the idea isn’t the most popular, it’s something that I think will quickly become the norm. I also think that engagement rings for men will also be a part of the “new” normal. I don’t know the author of the article but it definitely seemed like she was a proponent of equality across the board and in all areas for both genders. I’ll let you be the judge.
Secret Wishes
I ran into this article through the course of my internet surfing and found it to be (somewhat) fairly accurate as far as my own experience and from discussions from other people in my age bracket. You can read it here. I agreed with a lot of the things that the author wrote about. After all, your dog isn’t going to let you know how much he enjoyed your cooking. An example of this is the fact that I made an awesome lemon pie the other day and my dog loved it. While the article wasn’t all inclusive there were some very valid points that were made. Granted, I think that a lot of the things listed tend to be hidden behind a certain facade of having a great life. But then again, that’s nothing new and it happens with both men and women all the time.
Real Time and NASA
A while back I had a conversation with someone that I’ve known for a while and we were discussing their previous career aspirations. They spoke at length about the work that they had done in engineering with NASA. During the course of the conversation they mentioned how in this context, engineers and other relevant personnel knew the difference between “regular” time and real time. Regular time involved the somewhat present and the future. It wasn’t a critical matter and there was time to evaluation and make changes based on results and tests. Real time was totally different and focused on the here and now. Everything had to be squared away and had to run smoothly because it was mission-critical. A mistake at this point would have disastrous results and there wasn’t a chance to change or adjust because everything was happening in real time. It reminded me of life. We aren’t offered a dress rehearsal and there are no do-overs. Everything happens in real time. While we make mistakes, most of us try to make as few as possible because there can be lifelong repercussions from brief moments of stupidity. People die with regrets and so many people would make different choices if they only knew what the future consisted of. One of my new (lifelong) goals is to make more decisions in real time. Like a lot of people I know, I’m notorious for thinking and re-thinking even the smallest decision because I want to successfully separate the pros and the cons before I come to a conclusion. I’m not advocating for being really impulsive but I am saying that one thing I’ve learned (through life and also my job) is that your gut instinct is usually right. Sometimes you just know things and while there’s no way to articulate why or how, you just know. It’s in those situations I think we benefit and grow from going with our gut and not always succumbing to the urge to second guess, become anxious, or worry about something that was already decided. It’s then that we can make the decision to be ok with it and let the chips fall where they may because after all, life is lived on real time.
Starter Pack
I saw this picture and initially laughed but then got annoyed almost immediately afterward. When I finished college I had a decision to make. I could go the safer route and look for a job right out of college or I could pursue a graduate degree. I knew that I had a better chance of getting married if I just had a bachelor’s degree. But I didn’t want to put my life on hold for something that I wasn’t sure would happen. I was 21 years young and without any hint of a significant other in sight. So I moved across the country, and started and completed a masters degree. But let me back up a bit. From a young age I was taught that good men looked for women who went to church and were active in some capacity. So during my masters program I found a church and started being active by singing quite often and taking on small responsibilities. Religion or maybe I should say church going, isn’t usually a man’s favorite pastime. It’s usually overrun with women with emphasis on emotions. We can’t forget that there’s a double standard for women. They are taught that if a man truly loves them he will respect them by respecting their vow of abstinence or celibacy until marriage. I have a theory that this kind of thinking lends itself to unrealistic expectations and very very bitter women. Needless to say, my “experiment” on getting a significant other was not successful and seemed to alienate myself even further from any serious prospects. I’ve never been one of those “I don’t need a man” women, but I can certainly understand some of the emotions behind it. An education can make women more critical as they will only pay attention to men that are on the same education level as them. I don’t think there are many women who want to feel like they are marrying down. Strike one. A very strong traditional religious mindset where you believe that you only need God and that’s it. Couple this with a belief that good men are only found in church and will be happily celibate until marriage. Strike two. Let’s not forget about having a career and trying to move upward. Women in this position are usually planning to put child bearing off for a while because they want to be at a good place in their career. They put in long hours, they don’t date, they buy houses and drive nice cars. While they may be lonely, that feeling is remedied by more work and by girlfriends in a similar position. No man required. Strike three. There’s a hard truth to the picture and it’s not pretty. Perhaps it’s time to rethink some priorities and some expectations. Myself included. 
Stupid Girls (the warning in a song)
So I’ve posted about a few Jazmine Sullivan songs and I must say that this entire album (Reality Show) seems to get better every time I listen to it. Jazmine has a knack for making a song for every situation and this song is no different. In it, she admonishes women to be careful of men who try to play them and who see them as meaningless playthings. Jazmine alludes to the fact that she has had this experience and wants others to be warned an not to be “stupid girls.”Great song. Just a tad bit bitter though.
Mascara-The Song
I haven’t posted about a song in a while and thought that it was time to do so. There are few albums that I’ve gotten and actually regretted the fact that I didn’t buy it the day that it was released and this is one of them. This entire CD is fire and Jazmine has a unique sound that can’t be replicated. This song is in first person and describes a woman who decides to go against the grain. While it’s not ridden with expletives there are a few for effect. The song continues on to describe a woman who decides to work smart instead of hard and allow others to finance her life while she provides certain incentives. One of the stipulations in the agreement is that she makes a deliberate effort to never not look good. This song is not the easiest to sing but Jazmine makes it seem easy as she transitions from falsetto to her chest voice effortlessly while still respecting and displaying her amazing vocal skills Now, I can’t give you all the reasons why I love this song and why it’s been on repeat for the past two weeks straight except to say that it’s one of the most well-written songs I’ve heard in the while. The lyrics match the music and Jazmine’s voice in a flawless coming together of emotion and melody that moves you. The thing I like about this album is that there are no bad songs. Each song is different and unique in its own right and conveys real human emotion. That’s what separates good music from great music.
Fifty Shades of……Interesting Part I
Not too long ago there was a pretty big discussion on social media related to the movie release of Fifty Shades of Gray. The book brought attention to a lifestyle that normally isn’t broadcasted in the mainstream. People were giving their opinions on how the storyline lends itself to glorifying unhealthy relationships and some in the faith community were questioning the piety of those who chose to go see it. I’m a curious person by nature and I never got caught up in the original discussion when the books were released but wanted to know what it was all about. I’m a fan of being informed before I form an opinion so I decided to do some research and read the books for myself. Within a few minutes of making the decision the books were downloaded on my phone for easy reading. Or so I thought. There are some books you read and they just seem to flow but I had to read the series in spurts because it was a really choppy read. Anyway, throughout the course of the book, the author draws so many conclusions to explain the behaviors that are pretty colorfully described. We have a young college student who is so enthralled at first sight with someone that almost loses her individuality in the process and spends a significant bit of time pacifying his insecurities. Sidenote: I’ve always questioned the intelligence of people who insist that you should only date one person in your lifetime and treat everyone else as your brother or sister until this “one” arrives. Ana has no point of reference in this department and ends up in a relationship she might not have chosen for herself if she had something to compare it to. But I digress. The relationship develops somewhat awkwardly but before we know it, Ana is already staying at his penthouse and declaring her jealousy of someone she has not met but already come to the conclusion that she doesn’t like. One of the assumptions is that Christian is controlling because of a relationship in his adolescence and his childhood. Ana initially balks at his expensive gifts but becomes used to them and “their” money as he tells her. To say that Christian is controlling is an understatement considering the fact that he buys a company in order to “keep her safe.” The lesson in this is that it’s one thing to be controlling but a person with money who is also very controlling isn’t always the best thing. It might work well in business but doesn’t create the healthiest relationship.
Alisha's Angle 