Like millions of people everywhere, I own a car. I know people who have names for their main mode of transportation. They baby their cars and have them washed and detailed on a weekly basis. I’m not one of those people. Ever since I can remember, I’ve hated car washes. I can remember my parents singing to me to keep me from crying when I was little. While I don’t cry hysterically as my car is being doused in soap in water, I do sing at the top of my lungs to distract myself from the fact that I am trapped in a moving vehicle in less than ideal conditions. And just in case you’re wondering, this post does not end with some profound thoughts or wisdom related to car washes and daily life. No, I have not figured out why I don’t like car washes. It’s probably attached to some bad experience hidden in my subconscious. I endure them when I must and consequently my car is currently in need of a good washing. Basically my point in saying all that is to say this: being comfortable and being safe are two different things. As a therapist, I’m pushing people out of their comfort zones and challenging them to change their behaviors and thought patterns. That’s uncomfortable. But simultaneously, I’m also creating a safe space for them to be themselves and to not be judged for their weaknesses while they are figuring out the next step. That’s safety. While I am extremely uncomfortable being trapped in a car with water and soap splashing everywhere, I’m still (relatively) safe. Plus, the end product is a cleaner looking car. Similar to the way that being emotionally vulnerable ( a.k.a. uncomfortable) can have good results.
Tag Archives: thoughts
Black History and Buck
First off, I need to keep this post brief. Procrastination is a silent killer. Enough said. One of the things that I like to do in the month of February is to go to an event for Black History Month. Definitely easier said than done. At least out here where I live. Finding quality events that fit my schedule but also are interesting and don’t waste my time is something that I try to do. Last year, I went to a spoken word event and it was pretty decent. The best part was that it was only ten minutes away from my house. But I digress. While by no means am I someone who is qualified to give “the black perspective,” as I was often called upon in graduate school to do, I do think that there are certain challenges that come with being black in America. I’m going to make a quick detour and say that I really strongly dislike the term “African American.” It’s annoying. And quite frankly, I’m not from Africa and neither are my parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents. I have some theories about how this term is used as a social construct but that’s totally not the topic at hand. There are certain rare occasions where I get the opportunity to listen to a speaker that is genuine, engaging, young, ambitious, articulate, and has exceptional communication skills. MK Asante is one of those people. He’s one of the best speakers I’ve heard because he has the ability to paint exquisite skillful pictures with words. And he does it in a way that has the right combination of his education and life experiences that give him the ability to relate to his audience. The fact that he became a college professor at age 23 and is now tenured is amazing. Needless to say, it was great listening to him today. I bought his book, “Buck” and read it cover to cover in about two hours. I’m not easily impressed with books but after reading it I can honestly say that it’s one of the best memoirs that I’ve read. An honest depiction of the good, bad and ugly with moments of vulnerability and raw emotion is what makes this book so good. This book draws you in and keeps your attention because Asante walks you through his life in such a way that makes you feel as if you’re not only a silent observer, but that you have an invested interest in his success. Definitely a great read that was made even better by hearing the writer before I read the book.
Love is a choice
To love is to be vulnerable. So we’re back in February which is also known as the month of love. Not too long ago, I watched a movie (can’t remember the name) where one of the characters told the other that the first person to say “I love you” to their significant other loses. I also watched the episode of New Girl (love that show) where Nick finally blurts out to Jess that he loves her and she totally freaks out. In no way am I anti-love, but I can understand the vulnerability that comes with being the first one to use the word “love” directed towards a significant other. Scary stuff. One thing that grinds my gears is when couples say that they aren’t in love anymore and that their feelings have changed toward each other. True love isn’t based on how we feel at the moment. It’s more complicated than that. So many people are under the false assumption that you have to be with the person that you love. Loving from a distance can take more guts than being with the person that you love. Sometimes loving someone means that you respect their choices–even if you don’t agree with it or know that they would be better off with you. It involves putting your feelings to the side because at the end of the day, feelings can come and go. A genuine interest, respect for someone, and a desire to do anything necessary to ensure their success are some of the many aspects of true love. So what if your feelings change? Love has to go deeper than that. One of my Facebook friends posted that when you love someone you don’t ever actually stop loving them, you just learn how to move on. You can still love someone after letting go of them because your love shouldn’t be dependent on their actions. Love is a choice. It’s a choice that should be made wisely because if you really love someone you don’t stop loving them. Even if you don’t agree with their decisions. This, by default, puts you in a position of vulnerability and you had better hope that the other person is in a similar spot of vulnerability because it’s never fun being in love alone. Ever. Because to love is to be vulnerable.
Changes and Challenges
So today I started a new job. Not a hustle or on a “as needed” basis, but a real job. It’s something that I’ve (halfway) actively pursuing since early last year. While I’m excited about new opportunities, I’m also hesitant. I love flexibility but it’s time to have something resembling security with health insurance and a 401K. I’ve met so many people who settle for a “regular” job, they put in their hours, go home, raise a family, take a vacation once a year, retire, and die. Not a bad plan, but definitely not for me. This job is not where I want to be for the rest of my life. It’s a means to an end. And if I have to sacrifice by waking up early EVERY morning in order to get stuff done and to meet my goals, so be it. I’m not a morning person but I’ll be one because what I want to be as a professional is bigger than pushing the snooze button on my alarm clock. There’s a saying that says one has to be willing to do what others won’t do in order to get what others won’t get. In my case, getting a regular job is doing what others are doing. However, my special twist is that I’m also pairing it with three additional jobs and an increasingly challenging doctoral program. With the end goal of being in a very very good professional place by the time I’m 25. The biggest challenge will definitely be balance and making sure that I don’t get in my own way. I’ve made some hard choices and there are plenty more to come. But, as I tell my clients, settling feels good for the moment but you never get any lasting results. Being deliberate and planning takes time, effort, and sacrifice but it sure beats waking up one morning and realizing that you’ve wasted your life. At least in my opinion.
The Richard Sherman Debate
So I was checking some of the usual social media sites last night and I kept seeing hundreds of references to Sherman. Both good and bad but mostly bad. Let me be honest, I like football but I’m not a super fan. I think that my lack of cable or ownership of a working television is probably the cause for that. However, I soon became curious about what was going on in football-land. Apparently Sherman had a heated interview and it gained him a LOT of attention. I’m willing to bet that prior to this interview he was someone most people never heard of–let alone cared about. He makes less than half a million per year. Enough said. I took a few minutes to do a quick Google search on Mr. Sherman. Turns out he’s a halfway decent cornerback. He was also a track and field player that included being named an All-American after winning a state title. Additionally, he graduated second in his class from high school and with honors with a degree in Communications from Stanford. Not an easy feat for a student athlete. He’s driven. He’s articulate. He got himself out of a four game suspension in 2012. Now, he’s also known for being mouthy. He’s taunted other players and even told Skip Bayless he was better at life than him. However, after this one less than 30-second interview, people are suddenly disturbed by his behavior. This really isn’t anything new. He believes in his game and in his abilities and he isn’t afraid to say so. How many humble football players are out there? Being in a competitive sport requires you to be passionate to believe that your abilities are superior to that of your opponent. Period. Yes, he might be a little cocky but he’s been that way since he got drafted two years ago. We’ll find out February 2nd just how good him and his team really are. Let the man live.
Something to think about….
So I saw this picture and it immediately grabbed my attention. I thought about how many times I had gone out of my way for people who may have been “wrong.” I know of many people who have regretted things they did for people who ended up betraying them in the end. While I firmly believe that there are a lot of people out there who should never ever be trusted, walking about super paranoid and guarded may not be the best plan of action either. Many times we are taught from childhood to put others before ourselves and to share and not be selfish. However, we aren’t taught that discernment and caution should sometimes accompany unselfishness and sharing. Doing the right things for the wrong people can make you miss out on all the right people around you. And honestly, you might actually end up regretting it.
Time and Organization
One thing that I’m working on this year is becoming more organized. I function in a state of organized chaos. I say chaos because looking in from the outside, one would never guess that the mess is organized. As someone who enjoys being busy, I am often involved in numerous small projects at once. Being in school adds another additional level of responsibilities as my classes are getting harder and it takes more time to actually complete assignments. While I’m perfectly content “B”-ing my way through the program, I want to start to apply myself more. BUT lately I’ve been doing better at managing time. It’s always nice to know that I’m being somewhat productive and working my way towards some goals that I have. There’s a lot that needs to happen this year according to my five year plan. One of the things that I like when I’m working with clients is when they have a plan as to what they want to do. I also like hanging out with people who know what they want out of life. Someone once said that we are the average of the top five people we spend the most time with. One of the things that I’m studying is how we are influenced by other people. All that being said, it’s good to hang out with organized and ambitious people because characteristics like that tend to rub off. Definitely the plan for this year. Carpe diem!
Single Ladies.. (Put a ring on it)
So according to the wonderful and reliable source called Google, the average cost of an engagement ring today is about 5k. I think somewhere in the big scheme of things, many women have come to the conclusion that somehow the size of the diamond equals the amount of love or commitment to the relationship. The ring serves as “proof” that you’re actually engaged and plus you get a chance to show it off to your single friends and enjoy their jealous “you’re so lucky” looks. In addition to a ring, I know of people who have been proposed to with watches. Definitely a more practical option because it serves the purpose of telling time, however the romantic factor may be lacking. Honestly thinking about it, engagement rings are more for the romantic factor. How practical is it to drop the price of a decent used car on something that perches happily on your finger? However, the very impractical side of me really doesn’t care because like most people, I genuinely appreciate a nice gift, practical or not.
I’m not going to lie, I see engagement rings that look like this and inwardly I cringe. And while I’m not going to say that I have fully escaped the grasp of materialism, I will say that this ring is a complete joke. Honestly, if I got proposed to with this ring I would give it right back to the giver. This ring defeats the purpose of a engagement ring. Nowadays, the current fad is for both people to contribute equally to the cost of the ring. While I’m not advocating picking something so extravagant that you spend years on the payments, I am saying that it should be a decent size. It’s an “all or nothing” concept. If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it and don’t try to fix it up with something that looks like the above picture. It’s an insult. The whole “thought that counts” thing applies to not buying anything or just saving up. There’s no middle ground.
Invisible People
I had a super productive day and was able to accomplish some tasks that were directly related to some professional goals of mine. I had the opportunity to catch up with and bounce some ideas off a good friend. However, the icing on the cake came from a random acknowledgement from an individual that I know. No, I don’t have a case of “he’s never met me before but in my head we’re married with two kids” syndrome. This isn’t an example of being ignored and then being acknowledged for no apparent reason. I really don’t care for that. It’s interesting how an action, behavior or comment from a specific individual can affect your day in a positive way. This person has no idea that their actions made my day. It made me think of all the times that we can unconsciously ignore people around us. How we can interact with people for years but not take the time to learn their names They exist, but they’re invisible to us. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say that that some small thoughtful action someone did for them was just what they needed at a stressful time. I’m challenging myself to acknowledge someone this week who is typically ignored by others. A “thank you,” a nod of acknowledgement, or a smile. You never know what personal demons someone is struggling with. Who knows? An acknowledgement might make their day. It definitely made mine.
Love Languages
Learning or knowing someone’s love language has been something that I’ve always encouraged my clients to do for themselves and their partner. Especially when both say that “communication problems” are the reason why they’re in counseling. “Communication problems” are usually just the symptom of a bigger issue going on on the relationship. I usually encourage my couples to take the test and then discuss the results with each other. Then I’ll encourage them to start to learn their partner’s love language and let that show in their actions. I took the test myself and discovered that my love language is Physical Touch. I talked about it a little in the “Meaningless Affection” blog post. I’m the kind of person who likes things that are tangible. I enjoy activities that use one of my five senses. I’m not as excited by abstract things. Ironically, my second love language is quality time. I’m pretty particular how I spend my time. Mostly because I know that I can’t get back time that I’ve lost. I’m a big fan of self awareness because the first step in change is knowing that you actually need to. Discovering your love language can be really helpful as you navigate through your friendships and relationships.
Alisha's Angle 