Like most unmarried young adults in my age bracket, I have a list of the things that I want in a significant other. Over the years this list has evolved from a paragraph to four pages single spaced in Times New Roman font. The list has been influenced by many things including past experiences, the observation of relationships and marriages, and the couples I’ve seen in therapy. It’s updated each year and undergoes a makeover with new details and ideas of what would be best. The thing about growing older is that it’s easier to become more set in your ways. As a result of this, the list of things you don’t want to put up with becomes longer and longer. There’s less room for flexibility because you feel like you’re on a countdown and you don’t want to have to try it multiple times to get it right. There’s less patience and a more purposeful intent. So the list sits there. Collecting dust on the hard drive of my computer. The funny thing is that while I rarely take the time to refer back to it, I still know and remember what it contains. The challenge with making such a list is that you have to leave room for reality. No one is going to be perfect and that’s something that I’ve always taken into consideration. Rules that were absolutes have not become preferences instead of deal breakers. Of course there’s the basics; love, respect, won’t beat me black and blue, and can be assertive. But then there are other things that would just make life easier in the long run. Everyone doesn’t come from a traditional two parent home and while that might make life a bit easier, it’s not something that I expect. The great thing about the list is that it lets you make decisions about people pretty easily. You can cut out a lot of unnecessary drama and save yourself heartbreak and time because you cut them off at the beginning because they didn’t meet criteria. One double edged sword in my case is that I’ve met my list. An individual who embodies all four pages single spaced of expectations, criteria, and preferences. Which, by the way, is not an easy feat. While I would never go as far to say that this person is the embodiment of perfection, I will say that they have some core character traits that align perfectly with the list. It’s been one thing to meet the list and another thing to interact with the list and have conversations. Does The List know that they are the list? No. And the jury is still out on whether or not they’ll ever get that information. However, maybe that’s the nature of the list. The fear of messing up a perfect fantasy with an imperfect reality that results in the admiration from a distance without action.
Tag Archives: thoughts
Love you long time
I’m definitely a huge music fan and I ran across this gem of a song about a month ago on Amazon Prime music (great app by the way). I absolutely love the versatility of Jazmine’s voice and the fact that her songs actually have a coherent message. This song could have easily been a slow ballad that would have been a great first dance song at a wedding. However, the music says something completely different. It’s happy and celebratory while still preserving the weight of the lyrics. You can’t help but bob your head to the beat of the song. Which by the way has some reggae and pop influences. This song has literally been on repeat for about a month on my playlist and I like the message. Jazmine is singing about someone she loves and who she doesn’t want to lose. It’s definitely the “I’m in a relationship and I’m happy” song. Jazmine is one of the handful of artists that I consider to be “melodically articulate” (a phrase borrowed from Pharrell). Her voice is absolutely amazing and she has a signature style that can’t be duplicated by others.
Appropriate Parent
I am someone who rarely goes to movies but I just saw the Equalizer and thought about how hard it is to see anything without thinking of the mental health repercussions. Granted, it was a good movie for being a thriller and the story line was a bit unsurprising but I did enjoy it. Without going into details about the movie I will say that Denzel Washington is an amazing actor that does not look like he is almost 60. The movie was rated “R” for a variety of reasons that included profanity and violence. Not my cup of tea. One of the surprising things was the amount of parents that took their small kids to see the movie. I will never understand how it’s justified to bring a small child to a movie with violence and adult themes. This perspective comes directly from working with kids who have acting out behaviors. Many times these kids have not had supervision or they’ve been exposed to things that have not been age appropriate. As much as I believe In the importance of age appropriate material for kids, it’s obvious that others don’t share that perspective. I just wish that some parents had the maturity and presence of mind to realize that their choices on what’s appropriate for their children can lead to a lot of heartbreak in life if they decide to imitate what they’ve seen.
Reflections
Lately I’ve been doing some self reflection as I often advise others to do. As someone who enjoys the study of psychology, I recently found myself revisiting personality tests that I did in college for an assignment. So according to the test I have a Choleric/Melancholy personality. While both of these types have some good qualities, the bad ones were really bad. “Unemotional, “overbearing,” “rigid,” and “stubborn” were among some of the terms used. I immediately did some self inventory and realized that I definitely had some of those personality traits. I partly blame it on being an oldest child and a parentified child at that. I’ve always said that one of the good things about being a therapist is that sometimes you can use your own tricks on yourself. As a result, I’m constantly assessing myself in some fashion. However, it’s easy to self sabotage when you are constantly nit-picking your life. Nothing is good enough. You’re never satisfied and your standards are impossible. This mindset leaves little time to celebrate small and almost meaningless accomplishments. That’s my self reflection.
Marriage and Money
The topic of this article is somewhat near and dear to my heart. To the extent that I was seriously considering doing my dissertation on something related to it, but decided not to because I already have some strong opinions that would most likely prove me to be biased. The article raises some valid points as it relates to rates of marriage. Among the people I know, many are working to become financially secure before they get married. In contrast, many people from my parent’s generation got married young and struggled. One positive thing about that path is that if you’ve already made it through hell when your marriage is young, you’ll probably be less likely to leave the partner who stood by you during that dark period. However, while there’s nothing wrong about being in love and being poor, it’s not the easiest of lives to lead. Add children to the already financially stressed couple and you have a recipe for a super stressed relationship that could easily lead to divorce if the couple has not developed some good communication skills and a genuine friendship with each other. One of the premises of this article is that marriage can lead to wealth but the rates of marriages are declining. People are waiting longer to get married. I know of a couple who became wealthy simply because they only lived off the salary of one of the partners and then invested the salary of the other partner. Decisions like that are impossible when you’re living on a single income. People want to know that they have some sort of a buffer in marriage and aren’t coming into it with nothing. For some people, marriage is the best financial decision that they’ve ever made. I wonder what the lasting effects of people getting married at later ages will be on wealth accumulation as a whole?
Power Perspective
I’ve always been a person who has had respect for people in power. I also think that it’s possible to have power without being in a position of power. In our world, many times power comes with money. The more money someone has, the more their opinion or perspective is respected. Because of this power, they can also influence others to a great extent. Power can also come from the set of initials behind or before your name. Initials like “M.D.” “J.D.” or “PhD” are generally more respected than “B.A.” “B.S.” or “M.A.” A few weeks ago I received a professional license that I’ve worked toward for the past 6 years. Along with credibility, one of the things that this license allows me to do is to sign a piece of paper that can hospitalize a person involuntarily for a certain period of time for evaluation. While there are certain parameters and guidelines that dictate when this option is appropriate, I get the opportunity to use my clinical judgment to see if those guidelines are met and I sign a piece of paper that can turn someone’s life upside down. My decision affects a lot of people including parents whose child is being taken out of their custody. Family members, friends and other people involved are all entities who can be impacted by the decision that I made. The thing about power is that it can be used as a means for good or for evil. It’s not a bad thing in itself, but it can be misused and mishandled. This can be especially true when people who are insecure are given an extremely large amount of power. All their decisions are made through the lens of their own self-identified deficiencies and the results are usually disastrous. I think that this is one of the reasons why it’s important to know who you are because power will only magnify your true character and your flaws or strengths will be showcased in your decisions.
Black Coffee
I rarely make comments on movies but this particular one that is fairly new on Netflix deserves recognition. I must admit I am someone who is wary of black movies with black titles due to the fact that my experience has been less than satisfactory. Bad movies are best when watched with a group of friends because it’s a bonding experience. But I digress, this movie was one of the good ones. Without telling about the entire plot, I can say that this movie made my inner hopeless romantic very happy. It centers around a man and a woman who find out that they are soul mates. Before I go any further, I feel that it’s important to note that the leading and supporting actors are not only somewhat, if not actually talented but also easy on the as well. One thing I really appreciate is that the main male character is extremely articulate about what he wants in a significant other AND he demonstrates a willingness to step outside the box and pursue a new venture. Both of these are characteristics I wish more movies would portray in their scripts. Overall, I must say that I would recommend this movie because it makes you think about gender roles and the necessary things that make relationships last. And that’s something worth thinking about.
Poor at 35
I ran across this article recently and the title of it caught my attention. The main assertion is that you deserve to be poor if you have reached the age of 35 still being poor. In a world where there are so many inequalities and everyone does not have the same opportunities, I think that such proclamations have to be taken with a grain of salt. However, the fact remains that we all have the opportunity of time. The 24 hours a day that we spend doing our daily habits is no different than the 24 hours that a billionaire is afforded. It’s all in how you spend it. My favorite sentence of the article: “You’re poor because you have no ambition.” This doesn’t necessarily always mean education in the traditional sense. We judge people who drop out of school without recognizing that school isn’t something that’s necessary to succeed. The fact of the matter is that by age 35 a lot of people have become set in their own ways. Their childhood dreams have given way to the harsh reality of adulthood and they are in the middle of making payments on their car, their house, and their student loans. A lot are married and/or raising children and just trying to survive. This makes it hard to think about retirement and all the places they’ve always resolved to travel but haven’t yet. I heard someone say that it’s a sin to die poor and while I don’t agree, I think that dying poor is something that many people would never choose to do. We have to remember the bigger picture while living day to day. It’s essential. Don’t let your dreams collect dust.
Do what thou wilt
First off, I want to say that while the title of this blog may bring back memories of the picture of Jay-Z wearing a shirt with these words emblazoned on his chest. This actually something of a sequel to one of my previous posts, Stepping Away. Well, maybe. When I’m wearing my therapist hat I’m always working for the benefit of my client. I am incredibly conscious of my own ideas and biases and i have to mentally put them to the side so that I can be in the moment. There have been hundreds of times where I did not agree with my client’s actions. He or she may have done something that I would have never even dreamed about doing, but it happened. Many times my clients have negative consequences as a result of their actions and they must then pick up the pieces and live with the decision that they made. One thing I said a few posts ago is that sometimes you can only know that you’ve done good work by walking away from it and discovering if it will stand on its own. Recently I had the chance to witness the results of my work and it was a good feeling to see years of work finally coming together after a long period of doubting if the results would ever be what I wanted. While I can say that the results were not everything that I was hoping and dreaming for, they were perfect in their own context. There’s a certain freedom that comes from letting people make their own choices and empower themselves. While you may offer suggestions as to how do to it, the final decision is theirs. You don’t take responsibility for their actions and you don’t judge or criticize their choices. One thing that I’ve learned as a therapist is that you have to respect the choices of others. While one can manipulate and strategize all day, there is nothing like a definite decision your client makes that you know will help them to have a better quality of life. The flip side is that you have to also allow them to make those stupid decisions without chiming in and telling them what you would do if you were in their shoes. You respect their right to self-determination and are supportive instead of just telling them what they need to do. And that’s a good thing.
Got to get my heart back
As I was minding my business today I thought about this song. While it’s a couple of years old, it’s still one of my favorite songs. I can’t even really say that I’m a huge Keyshia Cole fan but I can appreciate the depth of the emotion in this song. The song speaks about wanting to get back to the way things used to be before emotions got involved. Keyshia sings about giving 110% and even loving the other person more than herself saying that she would have done anything for them. Yet, it’s such a reminder that the affection and attention from one person does not make up a true relationship. There has to be some sort of reciprocity. Keyshia sings about this as she says that she just wants to get her heart back. After giving so much and loving so deeply, the realization that you aren’t loved in that same manner can be extremely sad. The song is definitely evidence of that and even the instrumental part alludes to a haunting memory that builds on the initial four notes you hear in the first bar. Interesting how Keyshia sings about getting her heart back, implying that it’s in the position of another. However, Keyshia never sings about taking the action to get her heart back, she just says that she has to do it. Another things that stands out to me about the lyrics of the song is that Keyshia spends the entire time talking about how she wants to get back to the way that it used to be instead of expressing her desire to move on into her future. She wants to go back in the past before she even met the person. Thus saying that she really wishes that she never had the experience of loving that hard and getting nothing in return.
Alisha's Angle 