I sometimes conceptualize relationships as a living breathing organism that needs attention and care. In the beginning of a relationship, you have to start somewhat carefully and nurture it. You have to spend time with the other person and while some relationships may be easy, a strong one requires you to be deliberate. It doesn’t happen overnight. You solve misunderstandings and constantly assess what’s needed in order to make it stronger. You invest copious amounts of time and energy in the hope that it will be reciprocated and that you will get the results you desire. Sometimes this involves fighting for the relationship and defending it. Prioritizing it when it’s not always convenient and making amends when there is a conflict. This means that a relationship can be like an actual project. Recently I’ve been evaluating my friendships and relationships with others. I’ve realized that there are times that you have to literally step away from a friendship or relationship for a variety of reasons. Sometimes the reason is that after you’ve put in time, invested energy and resources and nurtured it, you have to see if it can survive on its own. This sometimes happens with distance. But it can also be a deliberate choice to test the strength of the relationship to see if it can last without being nurtured all the time. The truth is that sometimes the only way to know if you’ve done good work is to step away and see if it can stand alone without assistance. Many times this process isn’t easy but in the end it’s worth it because you know where you stand and you can decide if the relationship is actually worth your continued time and energy.
Tag Archives: men
Socializing
Lately I’ve tried to make it a priority to be more social and have new experiences. So far this endeavor has been fairly successful. I’m someone who is pretty introverted at times. And while I wouldnt go as far to say that I’m anti social, I do enjoy being around people I know instead of making small talk with perfect strangers. There are a few situations that I’ve been in where I meet people and they are instantly my friends. These are rare occasions. Needless to say, I dread new social situations. And the word “dread” is a nice understatement. While I’m mature enough to recognize them as opportunities to grow, one hundred percent of the time I’d rather not be bothered. However, it is necessary to push beyond my feeling and just jump in feet first. I know many other people who feel the same way. Some push themselves and others just retreat further into their shell and never venture out. While I would much rather talk to a stadium of thousands than make small talk with a neighbor, I recognize the importance of making these connections. So the goal of new experiences and social situations remains but at least I’m making some kind of progress. At the end of the day, that’s what matters.
Stop the Bashing
There are few things in life more irritating than writing something substantially long and then realizing that it didn’t save. Nevertheless, this is draft number two. Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of man bashing posts on social media and also in conversations. The problem with this is that the complaints go from “I can’t find a man” to “all men are dogs” to “I don’t need a man and I never will.” Women complain about chivalry being obsolete but fail to recognize that we had a big role in its demise. There’s an independent woman attitude but below it is insecurity and sadness. Women who say that men are all dogs do themselves a huge disservice. They apparently think that their situations will be inclined to change after talking about the horrible mistakes of the last man they dated. The truth of the matter is that if every man you’ve dated has done you wrong, you’re the common denominator. YOU are the problem. While you can’t be responsible for the actions of others, you can decide how you respond to them and what role they play in your life. Condemning a whole gender because of the actions of a few is not only pointless but shows everyone your lack of maturity. It’s not cute or funny to do it because you’re setting yourself up to not appreciate a good man if he comes. Women complain that there aren’t any good man left but that isn’t true. Many times they’re hiding in the emotional no-fly zone called the friendzone and are just disregarded. You’re not likely to find a good man if you continue bashing all men. If all your girlfriends are single, fat, and bitter, chances are that you’ll end up as at least one of those things. But regardless of all that, man bashing just doesn’t make sense and at the end of the day, it’s just not productive.
Can you listen?
Listening seems to be a skill that has lost value over the past few years. While people hear, they very rarely take the time to listen. I remember experiencing this as a younger child of three. My grandparents were in town and I was riding with them. Consequently, they got turned around and I as the non-directionally challenged three year old proceeded to tell them how to get to our destination. For some odd reason, my grandparents decided that the word of a three year old wasn’t valid so they proceeded to ignore my directions and ask people around them. Finally after about an hour of driving they decided to give my directions a try and they ended up right where we needed to be. I say all this to say that listening is a lot harder than merely hearing. Listening involves putting your own agenda to the side and devoting your attention and focus to the words of the other individual. It means that you aren’t day dreaming about vacation or your grocery shopping list while they are talking. Listening gives you insights you wouldn’t have gotten otherwise. It challenges you to think differently and to develop empathy and understanding of the other person’s viewpoint or perspective. I’ve listening to many a person and heard what they were trying to say but weren’t really saying. Complaining about a spouse’s job or time spent with their friends sometimes meant, “I’m feeling neglected and want you to invest some of your time and energy in me.” Yet, their message wasn’t getting through because their spouse wasn’t really listening to what they were trying to say. Being deliberate in taking the time to really listen will make a difference. Guaranteed.
The Game of Odds
This article was so interesting to me because the author took the time to break down what (he) thinks it takes for a woman to marry. Granted, while he (supposedly) is quoting information from a book, there is absolutely no citations or references at the end of the article. Despite this, the article was very direct and organized and makes a lot of sense. I have to admit that my favorite part was the quote about making getting a husband a priority after age 30 and not being the last person to “get off the bus” in terms of matrimony. Overall, I think that there’s some great advice that one can take away from the author’s perspective. Plus, it’s an easy read.
Temptation (the movie)
I like Tyler Perry. Despite the fact that I’ve never met him personally, I admire his story have enjoyed the videos that he’s posted. Despite this, I haven’t cared for all of his theater and movie productions. Netflix recently put his movie, Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor on their site and I recently watched it for the second time hoping that it would be better. Not so. One of the downfalls to having an actual background and experience being a therapist is that you tend to critique the way that therapy is portrayed on the big screen. However, the movie definitely sheds some light into marriages and portrays a situation that has been repeated in millions of marriages. But first, let’s talk about why Judith (the marriage counselor) feels that it’s necessary to monopolize the entire session with her client telling her a story about her supposed sister who is really herself. Self-disclosure much. But I digress. The breakdown of Judith and Brice’s marriage involves both of them. They are both busy people who are stressed by their jobs but rarely take the time to actually spend with each other. Both feel neglected by the other but they have not discussed this with each other. They have been together for years and have slowly slid into the place where their marriage just “is.” It becomes more of a habit for them than anything else. This is when the problem arises. Harley enters the scene as everything Judith has ever imagined or dream of. You can see in the movie that Judith attempts to seek Brice out for emotional connection but he is closed off and totally blows her off. This rejection is the last straw for Judith who then decides that her life would be better with Harley. The interesting thing is that Brice also makes heartfelt gestures to save the marriage but he is promptly rejected by Judith who has decided that he’s too late and that her decision has already been made. This leads to the demise of the relationship and marriage. The irony of all this is that Judith works as a matchmaker who puts people together. This movie tells the story of millions of people and their marriages. Just because the grass looks different doesn’t always mean that it’s greener. Judith learns this lesson the hard way after she discovers that the man she thinks she loves is not only abusive but also infects her with AIDS. Not the greatest ending ever. I say all this to say that Judith and Brice’s marriage was fix-able. Judith left her husband because of an emotional connection with another and because all her gestures and attempts at connecting with her husband had no results. When she finally realizes what a mistake she’s made it is too late to make amends and her (now) ex-husband belongs to another. It’s taken her too long to come to her senses. The problem is that both took the other for granted until it was too late. They assumed that just because they were married things would work out. They didn’t take the time to actively work on the marriage and to meet the emotional needs of the other and both paid the price of the failed relationship.
Investing Wisely
One thing that I like to do is conceptualize relationships through an investment perspective. The truth is that some people are good investments and others are not. Sometimes you have to take inventory of who is in your life and if they are assets or liabilities. People who are assets are those who contribute something positive to your life. They listen and genuinely care about your welfare and they are true friends. People who are liabilities seem to suck the life out of you. They take and take and take……and take some more. They are the people who are always asking your for something. They act entitled and never apologize for their actions. In a perfect world, we would never have to deal with these individuals. Dysfunctional relationships wouldn’t exist and people would take responsibility for their actions. However this isn’t the case. The truth is that liability people will always exist in some form. But you can decide to have clear boundaries and get really familiar with the word “no.” Then there are the people who don’t fit into either category. They don’t drain you, but they also don’t contribute to your growth in any way. These people are almost like a tax-deductible donation. A complete write off. But unlike a donation, there’s no tangible or monetary benefit. Ideally, you would want to have more assets than anything else, but in relationship land quality is more important than quantity. This is why it’s important to invest your quality time in people who have proven themselves to be assets. It makes no sense to devote the bulk of your time and energy to the middle people and the liabilities. You won’t have a good rate of return and at the end of the day you won’t have gained anything other than experience.
Fear the Beard!
This study should not be a surprise to any woman in my opinion. While I have my doubts about the validity of Huffington Post as reputable source of information, this study just confirmed what we already know. Beards done right are attractive. Point blank. The authors of the study (according to this article) concluded that men with beards are perceived as being better fathers and protectors. Safety is one of the needs of humans in general and good fathers are high demand these days. Beards add character and intrigue to average looking faces. They’re better than mustaches and catch eyes and attention. But there are a few limits on length that largely influence the attractiveness factor. I’ve attached a picture below with these guidelines.
Chivalry is on life support
There are few things that I find more irritating and annoying than the lack of chivalry around me. No, I’m not going to go on a rant about how I’m entitled to be catered to for the sheer reason that I’m a female. I don’t expect that although being catered to would be nice. What I think would be something as small as offering to lend a hand when I’m moving substantial items instead of selectively ignoring me. While I’m perfectly capable of doing this, offering to help–or better yet, actually helping out says more about character than words ever will. I know that the women’s liberation movement has cast a shadow on some of the old practices but hey, I’m actually rather old fashioned in that regard. In the past two years I can probably count the times I’ve had a door opened for me on two hands or less. That’s common courtesy to me but I guess that’s not the case to others. But all that being said, I can’t neglect the fact that I think that chivalry is a two way street. It’s never ok to ignore a nice gesture without a “thank you.” People will continue to practice behaviors that they feel appreciated for. If there’s no gratitude, the likelihood of the behaviors continuing is small. Small gestures of kindness go a long way and tend to come back to you in some form. Chivalry is a great thing–when it is appreciated and I fear we’ve lost that ability. Kudos to the guys that practice it despite negative reactions. Y’all are truly an endangered species.
Crushing Hard
Recently one of my college colleagues posted something on a social media site that caught my attention. She said that having a crush on someone and liking them are two different things. I totally and complete agree with her assertion because it just makes sense to me. The idea of having a crush on someone usually brings of memories of elementary or middle school where you liked someone and you were convinced that the two of y’all were meant to be. I think that as we grow up, many times our crushes morph into some sort of attraction toward different celebrities. The actors, entertainers, and musicians that you know you’ll never meet in person but are convinced that they would immediately propose on the spot if they ever had the good fortune to spend time in your presence. Crushes are unattainable. They’re based in fantasy but yet the romantic side of us is ever optimistic that they’ll come to fruition. Liking someone, on the other hand, is similar yet different. I honestly think that in order to actually like someone you have to be in their physical presence. Unlike a crush, where you feel a connection through a TV screen. Liking someone involves having interactions with them. I honestly do not understand people who talk about how much they like someone but yet the person doesn’t even know that they exist. While I understand the concept of pining from afar, I just don’t think that it makes a lot of sense. You waste so much time and energy you can never get back because you haven’t even taken the first step of introducing yourself. It’s hard to like someone you don’t know but it’s easy to have a crush on them.
Alisha's Angle 