Tag Archives: love

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Attraction at its finest 

Not too long ago the was an article circulating over social media written by a woman who said that she married a man she wasn’t attracted to and that it worked out in the end. You can read the actual article here. Naturally, the article generated a lot of conversation and many people insisted that it was something that they would never do. Almost everyone agrees that beauty can be fleeting. People change over the years and their bodies change with them. But as someone aptly put it, you don’t want to wake up every morning and have to die to self when you see your spouse’s face. It can be done, but it’s not ideal. In my limited experience I’ve found myself giving a guy a chance even when I didn’t find him in any way attractive. Hoping in some way that his other positive attributes would override the fact that he just wasn’t handsome to me. Epic fail. So I’m going to discontinue the practice. Not that I won’t be open anymore but an “absolutely not” is going to stay that way without all my internal criticism of being shallow and missing out. Everyone deserves a significant other who finds them attractive and it’s unfair to them to try to make something work that won’t. It’s not shallow to want to be with someone you’re attracted to but you have to remember that there are a lot of pretty ugly people out there (pretty on the outside and ugly on the inside). Looks can’t drive EVERYTHING but they do matter. 

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Happy and what?

Not too long ago I ran across an interesting article and immediately shared it with a friend who also agreed wholeheartedly with the author. You can read it here. As a therapist I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve talked to clients about accepting themselves and not basing their happiness on the presence of another person. But let’s admit it, we all want acceptance, companionship, and validation. The author brings out a good point when she talks about a strange sort of contentment in doing your own thing 100% of the time. You don’t have to consult with anyone or let someone know where you’re going when you leave the house. It’s like settling into a homeostasis of sorts. You aren’t obligated to constantly think about the welfare of another person. If only you could order a significant other as easily as one does an Uber or Lyft. You could specify various characteristics that you wanted and then request. As promised, a companion would suddenly appear on your doorstep, the epitome of all your hopes and dreams. No heartache or second guessing because you’ve just met your soulmate and you know that you’ll live happily ever after. Let’s be real, there’s a certain amount of selfish that is perfectly acceptable being a single person that just won’t fly in a relationship. You can’t get your way and never compromise and still expect to have a successful partnership. The author brings out a good point when she discusses the constant self-analysis and diagnosis that happens when you try to make sense of a phenomenon that is supposed to occur within a certain time frame. I have to say that I agree with her conclusion.

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What’s with religion

Religion is one of those things that qualify as a touchy subject. It’s off limits if you’re talking to a group of strangers at a dinner party and not the best first-date conversation material. I remember hearing quotes about religion being the opiate of the people and how it’s a psychological crutch, etc.  All the arguments, pros and cons aside, there’s always some inherent danger in allowing someone else to think for you. There are people out there that live and die by the words of their faith leader. There’s a dangerous dynamic that happens when an entire group of people trust one person to guide their lives. It almost sounds like the makings of a cult. While blind faith may be admirable to some, to others it’s an opportunity to take advantage of people in a vulnerable situation. Hope isn’t a hard thing to sell when it’s exactly what people need. Everyone wants to hear that they’ll rise to the next level and become healthier and happier. There’s value in genuinely believing that your life will turn around and that the next breakthrough is around the corner. But there’s also something to be said when these promises of a better life, financial stability, a spouse, and a nice car are tied to how much money you donate to the cause. When you’re inundated with promises of prosperity if you’ll give your last dime and demonstrate your loyalty, it’s time to consider the role religion is playing in your decisions.

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Year 26

As usual, this is the traditional somewhat reflective post of this past year. Seeing that my birthday is only a few days again, it seemed only fitting to do some reflection. I have to admit that as an introvert, I spend a lot of time in reflection and analyzing. A year ago, I had just made the decision to relocate across the county and I was still settling in. I hadn’t gotten my apartment yet and job prospects weren’t the greatest. As opposed to receiving gifts and being treated, I treated my family to lunch. The day was cold and dreary and I remember thinking that I was alone as always–never having had a significant other for my birthday at any point in my life. And this year the tradition continues. As I reflect, I keep trying to remember a moment or moments that were epic. Where I had the chance to experience something out of the ordinary or feel special to someone for a few moments. And as I think about it, I did have that moment. I was sitting in the passenger side of a rented Toyota Camry and I was crying. Not loud and obnoxious but it was a heart cry. The one where you’re silent and tears are just running down in rivers down your face. I was crying because I didn’t want my boyfriend (at the time) to leave and drive back to where he lived 3 hours away. It was the first time in my life that I felt safe enough to be vulnerable and cry in front of someone. He was great. He just held my hand and sang off-key to me. It was actually kinda cute and cheered me up. I got it together and wished him a tear free goodbye not knowing that I would never see him again (still haven’t), because he called me a week later and dumped me. This past year has definitely been one full of heartbreak and questioning myself over and over again. What’s wrong with me? Why am I always the one screwed over at the end of the day? Am I really THAT hard to stay with? Does no one appreciate loyalty or loves these days? Being honest, I had two huge heartbreaks and then a whole bunch of smaller ones to break up the monotony. This was the year I gave dating a chance and it just didn’t work out at all. But I quit a job that I hated and I moved across the country. And in the end I’m still alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely grateful for my life and supportive family and I’ve had the opportunity to accomplish some decent things professionally but I miss having someone to share that with. Every. Damn. Day. It’s been a long long year with plenty of sleepless nights and crying at random times because I just wanted someone in my corner to be supportive of me no matter what and to match my feelings for them. Obviously up to this point it’s been an epic fail but as I find myself saying every year around my birthday, “maybe next year.”

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Compromising and love

Jonas WeckschmiedDating in the modern era is difficult. It’s messy, it’s full of unknowns, and honestly, it can get pretty daunting at times. Long gone are the days of simplicity, when people said what they meant, and told you how they feel. Today, dating is full of deception and mind games. Finding someone and falling…

via Here’s Why You Need To Stop Compromising When It Comes To Love — Thought Catalog

I loved reading this article and I agree with the author. It’s easier to settle sometimes than it is to say no to opportunities that aren’t the best for you.

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Relationship fails 

I admit it. I’m a hopeless romantic. There’s been plenty of times that I’ve followed acquaintances on social media and “liked” all the mushy gushy tributes to their new significant other. The declarations of love and unending devotion and professional pictures have warmed my heart. But then there’s a change. All of a sudden one or both people start posting self-empowerment posts and about leaving when you’re not being appreciated. Then slowly but surely pictures start to be deleted or taken down. Married names go back to maiden names and this is usually followed by a social media break. While it’s certainly none of my business, I feel like asking “what happened?” These individuals put their whole lives online and got people emotionally invested in their relationship. I feel to some extent that they owe us an explanation when it fails. Of course I understand the right to privacy and how emotions can be involved but it would be nice to see the same level of transparency as there was in the beginning when they were in love. I think there’s a feeling of failure that is attached to the demise of a relationship. No one wants to talk about stuff like that. I know I don’t and my relationship ended months ago–but that’s another post. But it’s disappointing when you see a seemingly good relationship bite the dust. Of course you can only see what people post and I think many times the fairy tale is faker then we would like to think. 

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Loving on and moving on

Again, I ran into this blog post and absolutely wanted to share. There comes a time when you realize that no matter what, you can’t love someone into loving you. It’s a hard reality to face because we want to believe that our love can change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. I’ve had a similar experience of the writer and I have to admit that it’s not comfortable at all. But time helps and it gets better as you move on. You learn to love from a distance and be ok with that. 

Manik RatheeI thought I was prepared to see you again. It’s been about a month since I’ve seen you last and that was a train wreck in itself. It’s been a few months since we’ve spoken and that ended up with me in tears. The girls and I were relaxed, having a few drinks and…

via I Love You, But It’s Time To Close This Chapter In My Life — Thought Catalog

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The New Lonely

I saw this article and just HAD to share it. I completely agree with this author. But I think that it’s hard to connect with people when it’s something that is so rarely done. It’s hard to have a genuine and vulnerable conversation with people these days. There are times in your life when you want an actual physical person there to witness events. As great as it is to have a text or phone call or facebook message, there’s no true substitute for face to face interaction. 

Eugenio MarongiuIt’s a weekday evening and you’re feeling restless. You’re texting friends and you’re watching Netflix and you’re on your laptop and you’re scrolling through Tumblr or Facebook or Instagram or Twitter. Your attention is in ten different directions, yet there’s a tug, a tiny voice in the back of your mind. It asks: what…

via This Is The New Loneliness — Thought Catalog

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Relationships and distance 

Getting to know someone takes time. It’s not something that happens overnight or without some sort of effort. As a hopeless romantic of sorts,I love the idea of a whirlwind romance. But as a therapist, I’ve worked with couples who got together without taking the time to get to know each other. Relationships aren’t always easy to maintain and I think that distance tends to make them more complicated. Of course with modern technology you can communicate and see the other person on a frequent basis but it’s not the same as having the person be physically present. It takes a lot of time and energy to be in a relationship with someone that you don’t see often. I remember reading an article somewhere that said long distance relationships can work when they are for a specified period of time. They become harder to maintain when the time apart (weeks or months) is undetermined. I think that it’s especially hard if the relationship started online because you don’t have the experience of the initial chemistry in person and the process of building trust with someone you’ve never seen in real life is difficult. It’s not hard to feel alone in a long distance relationship and find yourself seeking out companionship that lives locally. I read a quote that said,”if you aren’t with the one you love, you’ll end up loving the one you’re with.” I think that’s a great example of how some relationships meet their demise. Absence can make the heart grow fonder but it doesn’t happen all the time.