I like Tyler Perry. Despite the fact that I’ve never met him personally, I admire his story have enjoyed the videos that he’s posted. Despite this, I haven’t cared for all of his theater and movie productions. Netflix recently put his movie, Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor on their site and I recently watched it for the second time hoping that it would be better. Not so. One of the downfalls to having an actual background and experience being a therapist is that you tend to critique the way that therapy is portrayed on the big screen. However, the movie definitely sheds some light into marriages and portrays a situation that has been repeated in millions of marriages. But first, let’s talk about why Judith (the marriage counselor) feels that it’s necessary to monopolize the entire session with her client telling her a story about her supposed sister who is really herself. Self-disclosure much. But I digress. The breakdown of Judith and Brice’s marriage involves both of them. They are both busy people who are stressed by their jobs but rarely take the time to actually spend with each other. Both feel neglected by the other but they have not discussed this with each other. They have been together for years and have slowly slid into the place where their marriage just “is.” It becomes more of a habit for them than anything else. This is when the problem arises. Harley enters the scene as everything Judith has ever imagined or dream of. You can see in the movie that Judith attempts to seek Brice out for emotional connection but he is closed off and totally blows her off. This rejection is the last straw for Judith who then decides that her life would be better with Harley. The interesting thing is that Brice also makes heartfelt gestures to save the marriage but he is promptly rejected by Judith who has decided that he’s too late and that her decision has already been made. This leads to the demise of the relationship and marriage. The irony of all this is that Judith works as a matchmaker who puts people together. This movie tells the story of millions of people and their marriages. Just because the grass looks different doesn’t always mean that it’s greener. Judith learns this lesson the hard way after she discovers that the man she thinks she loves is not only abusive but also infects her with AIDS. Not the greatest ending ever. I say all this to say that Judith and Brice’s marriage was fix-able. Judith left her husband because of an emotional connection with another and because all her gestures and attempts at connecting with her husband had no results. When she finally realizes what a mistake she’s made it is too late to make amends and her (now) ex-husband belongs to another. It’s taken her too long to come to her senses. The problem is that both took the other for granted until it was too late. They assumed that just because they were married things would work out. They didn’t take the time to actively work on the marriage and to meet the emotional needs of the other and both paid the price of the failed relationship.
Tag Archives: emotions
Testing Woes
I’ll be honest, I very strongly dislike standardized tests. The source of this dislike can be credited to my mother, who also strongly opposes standardized tests. Growing up, I didn’t have many tests. The homeschooled life afforded me the luxury of learning my way. High school was challenging because I literally had to teach myself subject I knew nothing about with limited internet access and textbooks. Yet, this was not as challenging as it sounds like because all my tests were open book. When I say all, I mean ALL. Because of this experience, I am quite comfortable with open book tests. Partially because I think that it’s reassuring to know that all the answers are contained somewhere in the book and you just have to find them. Piece of cake. Consequently, when it came time in my high school career to take the tests that indicate if you’re smart and if you’ll go to a decent college, I experienced a high level of anxiety. The results of this anxiety was that I took the SAT three times (yes, three) and the ACT twice. For a grand total of…………a lot of hours spend in a cold room filling in bubbles. I prefer essay tests to filling in bubbles. Eight pages of blank paper and a one sentence question on top of each page? I’m down. I’d much rather give a speech in front of thousands of people than take a timed standardized test. Honestly, one of the things that I liked about graduate school is that I only had ONE test the entire length of my program. It was great. However, my professional goals demand that I take tests for licensure in my field. And, the time has come to start to study and prepare for this test. No, I’m not excited but I am more than ready to get this out the way so that I can move on with my life. I can’t wait.
Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy
So this song has been pretty popular the past couple of months. There’s a rumor that Pharrell tried numerous times to get this concept off the ground before the movie actually picked it up. The song is super catchy and the music video(s) involve people singing and dancing to the song at all hours of the day and night. There’s a website that plays the music video 24/7 and you can also watch it in one hour increments. While I am someone who gets easily annoyed after the first 5 minutes of a song (with the exception of classical music), I’ve actually listened to three hours of this song over and over again. We all know people who appear to be happy all the time. I don’t know anyone who actually IS happy all of the time (unless they are happily psychotic, but that really doesn’t count). While songs like this would traditionally be way too “happy” for me, it’s a song that can put you in a better mood. Despite the fact that in no way am I a poster child for being in a constant state of euphoric happiness, I’ve learned to genuinely enjoy and appreciate the moments where happiness sneaks up on me and surprises me. This song just talks about being happy without there being an apparent reason. Great concept. Good melody. Pharrell made a great song that embodies a feeling that most people want to have, and, (totally unrelated), he does NOT look 40.
Love is a choice
To love is to be vulnerable. So we’re back in February which is also known as the month of love. Not too long ago, I watched a movie (can’t remember the name) where one of the characters told the other that the first person to say “I love you” to their significant other loses. I also watched the episode of New Girl (love that show) where Nick finally blurts out to Jess that he loves her and she totally freaks out. In no way am I anti-love, but I can understand the vulnerability that comes with being the first one to use the word “love” directed towards a significant other. Scary stuff. One thing that grinds my gears is when couples say that they aren’t in love anymore and that their feelings have changed toward each other. True love isn’t based on how we feel at the moment. It’s more complicated than that. So many people are under the false assumption that you have to be with the person that you love. Loving from a distance can take more guts than being with the person that you love. Sometimes loving someone means that you respect their choices–even if you don’t agree with it or know that they would be better off with you. It involves putting your feelings to the side because at the end of the day, feelings can come and go. A genuine interest, respect for someone, and a desire to do anything necessary to ensure their success are some of the many aspects of true love. So what if your feelings change? Love has to go deeper than that. One of my Facebook friends posted that when you love someone you don’t ever actually stop loving them, you just learn how to move on. You can still love someone after letting go of them because your love shouldn’t be dependent on their actions. Love is a choice. It’s a choice that should be made wisely because if you really love someone you don’t stop loving them. Even if you don’t agree with their decisions. This, by default, puts you in a position of vulnerability and you had better hope that the other person is in a similar spot of vulnerability because it’s never fun being in love alone. Ever. Because to love is to be vulnerable.
The Richard Sherman Debate
So I was checking some of the usual social media sites last night and I kept seeing hundreds of references to Sherman. Both good and bad but mostly bad. Let me be honest, I like football but I’m not a super fan. I think that my lack of cable or ownership of a working television is probably the cause for that. However, I soon became curious about what was going on in football-land. Apparently Sherman had a heated interview and it gained him a LOT of attention. I’m willing to bet that prior to this interview he was someone most people never heard of–let alone cared about. He makes less than half a million per year. Enough said. I took a few minutes to do a quick Google search on Mr. Sherman. Turns out he’s a halfway decent cornerback. He was also a track and field player that included being named an All-American after winning a state title. Additionally, he graduated second in his class from high school and with honors with a degree in Communications from Stanford. Not an easy feat for a student athlete. He’s driven. He’s articulate. He got himself out of a four game suspension in 2012. Now, he’s also known for being mouthy. He’s taunted other players and even told Skip Bayless he was better at life than him. However, after this one less than 30-second interview, people are suddenly disturbed by his behavior. This really isn’t anything new. He believes in his game and in his abilities and he isn’t afraid to say so. How many humble football players are out there? Being in a competitive sport requires you to be passionate to believe that your abilities are superior to that of your opponent. Period. Yes, he might be a little cocky but he’s been that way since he got drafted two years ago. We’ll find out February 2nd just how good him and his team really are. Let the man live.
Time and Organization
One thing that I’m working on this year is becoming more organized. I function in a state of organized chaos. I say chaos because looking in from the outside, one would never guess that the mess is organized. As someone who enjoys being busy, I am often involved in numerous small projects at once. Being in school adds another additional level of responsibilities as my classes are getting harder and it takes more time to actually complete assignments. While I’m perfectly content “B”-ing my way through the program, I want to start to apply myself more. BUT lately I’ve been doing better at managing time. It’s always nice to know that I’m being somewhat productive and working my way towards some goals that I have. There’s a lot that needs to happen this year according to my five year plan. One of the things that I like when I’m working with clients is when they have a plan as to what they want to do. I also like hanging out with people who know what they want out of life. Someone once said that we are the average of the top five people we spend the most time with. One of the things that I’m studying is how we are influenced by other people. All that being said, it’s good to hang out with organized and ambitious people because characteristics like that tend to rub off. Definitely the plan for this year. Carpe diem!
Invisible People
I had a super productive day and was able to accomplish some tasks that were directly related to some professional goals of mine. I had the opportunity to catch up with and bounce some ideas off a good friend. However, the icing on the cake came from a random acknowledgement from an individual that I know. No, I don’t have a case of “he’s never met me before but in my head we’re married with two kids” syndrome. This isn’t an example of being ignored and then being acknowledged for no apparent reason. I really don’t care for that. It’s interesting how an action, behavior or comment from a specific individual can affect your day in a positive way. This person has no idea that their actions made my day. It made me think of all the times that we can unconsciously ignore people around us. How we can interact with people for years but not take the time to learn their names They exist, but they’re invisible to us. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say that that some small thoughtful action someone did for them was just what they needed at a stressful time. I’m challenging myself to acknowledge someone this week who is typically ignored by others. A “thank you,” a nod of acknowledgement, or a smile. You never know what personal demons someone is struggling with. Who knows? An acknowledgement might make their day. It definitely made mine.
Love Languages
Learning or knowing someone’s love language has been something that I’ve always encouraged my clients to do for themselves and their partner. Especially when both say that “communication problems” are the reason why they’re in counseling. “Communication problems” are usually just the symptom of a bigger issue going on on the relationship. I usually encourage my couples to take the test and then discuss the results with each other. Then I’ll encourage them to start to learn their partner’s love language and let that show in their actions. I took the test myself and discovered that my love language is Physical Touch. I talked about it a little in the “Meaningless Affection” blog post. I’m the kind of person who likes things that are tangible. I enjoy activities that use one of my five senses. I’m not as excited by abstract things. Ironically, my second love language is quality time. I’m pretty particular how I spend my time. Mostly because I know that I can’t get back time that I’ve lost. I’m a big fan of self awareness because the first step in change is knowing that you actually need to. Discovering your love language can be really helpful as you navigate through your friendships and relationships.
This Christmas
This song is one of my favorite Christmas songs. I usually only listen to Christmas music during the appropriate times (between Thanksgiving and New Years) but I think this one is good all year round. Growing up Christmas was a special day. We would semi-decorate the house and have a tree with presents. As I’ve grown older, those traditions have ceased and now are only distant memories. This has definitely cut down on the stress and the expectations that usually accompany the holiday season. For the past two or three Christmases (is that a word?) I’ve ended up working at my job. Now, working is definitely not a bad thing but it takes away from the “holiday” feel of having a day off. However, I’m not complaining. However, for next year, I want to be relaxing and someplace warm on Christmas.
To have or not to have
I’ve been rather busy these past few days. However, one of the things that I’ve noticed that has come up in a lot of conversations is the challenge of having children and raising them in the world we live in today. Usually in the course of these conversations I get asked how many children that I’d like to have. I don’t necessarily have a set answer because I usually tailor it to the personality of the person who is asking me. Being in the field that I’m in and working in the place that I work, I have seen a wide spectrum of parenting skills. Some great and others that make you want to take the child home with you. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that parenting is hard work. Being a good parent is even harder. Firstly, having a child requires a lot of physical pain. And then from that point on, your life is wracked by highs and lows directly related to the creature you brought into the world. I firmly believe that some people should not and don’t deserve to be parents. They don’t have the skills needed to raise a child. It always is nice to see parents that have good relationships with their children because it’s rare. I recently met a lady who was in her 70’s and she explained to me that she never got married or had kids because it would not have worked for her. As a result, she doesn’t have anyone to take care of her and check on her as most of her friends are her age. This is a great example of how not having kids can mess up the cycle of life and leave you alone. However, having children and being estranged from them has pretty much the same effect.That being said, being a good parent requires a large amount of self-control and patience. And while I think that I might possibly be able to raise a child without inflicting lasting psychological trauma, it’s still a responsibility I’m not crazy about acquiring. But you know what they say. Never say never.