Like many people on social media, I was immediately worried when I saw the missing person poster of Nayla Kidd, a student in New York who had gone missing. It was almost as if she had disappeared into thin air. As is my practice whenever I see a missing person poster, I prayed for her safe return. She was enrolled in a rigorous program of study at a pretty prestigious university. I followed the case fairly closely and was relieved then the news broke that she had been found safe and sound. You can read more about her story in her own words here. As I read her words I realized that her reasons for wanting to get away were very similar with that of many others. Life tends to happen so fast after high school. You get into college, you start working a job and you are immediately thrust into a path that sometimes already seems pre-destined. You’re expected to make adult decisions that can have a permanent impact on your career and life. I could identify with Nayla’s sentiments of feeling overwhelmed and upset with the current direction of her life. In her situation, she made a very deliberate choice to take a break from it all for a while. She needed time and space to consider her options and make decisions that were more in alignment with what she wanted out of life instead of forging forward through labs and classes that she didn’t enjoy. I don’t fault her for this at all. However, I also can’t imagine what it was like for her friends and family who were probably worried sick about her safety and well-being. Last summer a former college classmate of mine went missing for a long period of time. It wasn’t a case that got a lot of media attention but it had a horrific ending when her body was found in a lake. She was a beautiful soul who left behind 3 kids and the entire situation was just so numbingly sad. I say all this to say that a lot of anxious, tears and worries could have been avoided if Nayla had felt she could communicate her displeasure in her current situation and let someone know that she was fine but needed some time away. However, those type of declarations aren’t always supported or respected and this was probably one of the reasons why she didn’t feel comfortable sharing her plans with anyone. I’m so glad her story had a better ending than my college classmate and I hope she finds what she’s looking for.
Tag Archives: decisions
Thoughts in May
May has always been an interesting month for me. I’ve graduated in this month, made some major decisions, and it’s also my half birthday –although I’ve never celebrated. May tends to be full of so many things to do with so little time. I’ve taken trips, made huge decisions and done some fun stuff in between. Last year in May I finally came to the final realization that I needed to leave my current geographical location and do something different. While the timing of when I actually moved was a different thing, the decision was made in May. I realized that it was time to cut a few of my losses and push forward despite a pretty uncomfortable disappointment. I’ve taken a trip that I hoped would produce a better outcome than it did. I’ve been very deliberate about my career and getting experience in a variety of different areas but May has traditionally been the time when I decide that some sort of change is necessary and I start making some decisions in order to facilitate that change. We’ll see what changes this month brings.
Discipline vs. Abuse
Recently there was a video making its rounds on social media that showed a father and son. The father starts off very calm explaining that his son had been acting up in school and that he felt some punishment was necessary while also teaching his son to defend himself. Then the video starts and I have to admit that I fast forwarded to the end as soon as I saw how bloody it was because (at times) I’m a sensitive soul and I always hate seeing people get hurt. The video showed the father boxing with his son. I use “boxing” loosely because it looked like someone of superior height, weight, and experience beating up on someone. The father didn’t hold back and landed multiple punches to his son’s face. The end of the video showed the father questioning the son while the son was obviously still bleeding pretty badly asking him if he would act up again in school. I ran across a follow up article on the video today and you can read it here . Basically, the father was arrested and the son was removed from the home as a result of the video. Let me say first and foremost that what the father did is pretty much the definition of physical abuse if you want to get technical. When a child discloses something like that to me I’m mandated to report it because of my profession and license–whether I agree with it or not. I’ve reported child abuse on multiple occasions as it’s been a regular part of the jobs that I’ve had. In no way am I endorsing the father’s method of parenting but I have also witnessed the opposite where parents stay up all night in shifts because they are terrified that their child will kill them in the middle of the night. I can assure you that being scared of your child and what they are capable of is terrifying. Neither option is ideal by any means. However, in addition to beating up his son who was clearly unable to defend himself, the father took it a step further and posted it on social media so the whole world could see (literally). He mentioned the son’s classmates and teachers as well in the video. That’s pretty humiliating and public shaming as a form of discipline is a horrible decision. But we also have to be honest. A startling number of kids these days do not have any respect for authority figures of any sort. There are too many horrible situations where there has been a conflict that involved an authority figure (law enforcement officer) that turned deadly for no reason at all. Also, by the same token there are also situations where someone was compliant and still ended up “mysteriously” dead. I guess my point is that you can’t really win these days. I think that the father had good intentions. He was trying to teach his (almost) adult son about making better choices and respecting authority and he ended up in jail himself with his child being removed from his care. I don’t have a solution to the problem but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve posting a video of a child being hit in the head until he’s bleeding profusely. There has to be another way.
Traffic thoughts
I must admit that living in the metro area of a city known for its traffic has been quite the adjustment. While I prefer it to sliding along the highway in a blinding snowstorm, allowing a minimum of an hour to go places can be inconvenient. Currently I work about 30 miles from where I live. Without traffic (and speeding) I can make it from work to my house in about 25 minutes. However, in the instances that there is traffic I’ve (by trial and error) to allow at LEAST an hour and half to make the journey. As I was sitting in traffic (literally not moving), I thought about how much you have to prepare ahead while driving. If your exit is coming up you have to start the process of begging and cutting in to make it all the way over to the right hand lane. It’s all about planning ahead and putting yourself in a position that makes it easier to make it to your destination without any additional stress. In life things rarely go according plan (hard lesson to learn by the way), but I’ve learned that sometimes the detours provide the best scenery and give you experiences you wouldn’t have had if you weren’t forced to get off the beaten trail. Yes, it may take longer but there’s a lot of value in appreciating the journey on the way to your destination.
Roller Coasters
When I was younger my family used to make yearly excursions to Florida. We would enjoy the sun, shop and go to amusement parks. While I’ve never had a fear of heights, I’ve never liked the idea of falling. One thing about the amusement parks is that when we first arrived I would immediately get a game plan in place that would allow me to experience all the biggest rides in the most time efficient way. I would wait in line for hours with my dad and then listen to the instructions, hop in and then make sure that I was securely strapped in. Without fail, as soon as the roller coaster started ascending the first big hill or drop from the height, I would regret it. I would sit back and watch the sky get closer and closer while the people on the ground watching got smaller and smaller. We would creep to the top of the seemingly endless hill and then the coaster would stop for a few moments. The view from the top was gorgeous. You could always see for miles around. It was at this point that my anxiety levels skyrocketed because I realized that there was only one way down. That way did not include a soft and gentle ride to the ground. From the initial drop until the time that the coaster pulled back into the origination point my eyes would be squeezed shut. I would grit my teeth, plant my feed and wish that I had never gotten on the ride. The very minute the ride ended I would be ready to do it again. Life happens whether we like it or not. While we don’t choose to be born, we get to decide to stay alive. The thing about the roller coaster is that we don’t know what’s around the next bend. A quick turn can mean a hill ahead or a drop. There are very high highs and then low (or lower) lows. There are times where you have to grit your teeth and remember that everything isn’t permanent. That while things can change for the worse in the blink of an eye, circumstances can change for the better in that exact same period of time. I think it’s about keeping the end in mind and being able to live with the fact that you did your best and don’t have any regrets. You handled adversity with grace and courage and didn’t let the opinions of others sway you from your goals and purpose. Because life is a roller coaster and we all have to get off at some point.
Walking Far Away
Lately I’ve been seeing numerous posts by various people I know on social media. The posts all have a common thread of being willing to walk away from friends or something distracting in order to experience progress. Now, to be honest, I think that’s a great concept and it’s applicable to a lot of situations. I sometimes find myself repeating that same sentiment as I work with people who have made unsafe decisions because of the influences of others. In my lifetime I’ve walked away from a good amount of things. While the results weren’t catastrophic or anything, it was rarely an easy decision to make. Jobs have always been pretty easy for me to walk away from. Or maybe I should say job offers. It’s another thing entirely when you voluntarily give up a job without knowing when the next one will come along (not recommended by the way). One of the hardest things I think I’ve walked away from is the hope of a future with an individual I have felt I’m compatible with. We all know that relationships are a two way street and if one person is disengaged it’s not going to work. You can’t love someone into loving you back–no matter how hard you try. It doesn’t work that way. Luckily in my situation walking away has also included physical distance so while it’s hard, it’s also something that I’m not reminded of on a regular basis. This helps with the discomfort that often accompanies putting a dream to rest. Sometimes this realization causes you to make the decision that walking away is better than wasting your time. I’ve learned that the human heart likes to hope against hope but that sometimes it’s a futile effort. A waste of time. So much emotional health depends on the ability to identify these situations and learn how to walk away. I haven’t mastered it all the way but I will say that walking away in those type of circumstances doesn’t get easier. In fact, in some cases it gets harder because you invest more time and energy into something that will never be. It’s a disappointment and a letdown. But it’s better than hanging out like a pitiful puppy hoping that something will come along and change the situation. That’s futile.
Asking for Help
I know a lot of people who have a problem asking for help. It’s not that they don’t know that they need help, but it’s a leap of faith to make their needs known to others. I think that asking for help requires a certain amount of vulnerability that many people are very uncomfortable with. I think that some of this reluctance comes from the fact that many of live in an individualistic culture. Making it on one’s own without any helped is looked upon as something to aspire to while asking for help is sometimes perceived as a sign of weakness. I must admit that as someone who provides a service that is often very needed as a part of my job, it’s frustrating when people visibly put on a front and lie about how they really feel or situations that have just occurred. However, while it’s frustrating, I’m not upset when it happens because I know that it’s very hard to be honest with oneself–let alone others in a difficult situation. Not too long ago I was in a similar situation where I found myself in a position where I either had to ask for help or experience the regret that comes along with not making the right choice at the right time. Now, luckily (or unluckily) for me I’m the kind of person who is plagued with insomnia, nausea, and other weird somatic stress symptoms when I procrastinate doing something that I really need to do or if I have some kind of conflict I have to resolve. It’s essential to fix it as soon as possible so that my pseudo-sickness can go away and I can have some peace of mind. Great incentive. All that being said, I couldn’t sleep or be productive until I fixed this huge misunderstanding and at least said what I had to say. There’s a saying that says “close mouths don’t get fed” and I was in dire need of some assistance. However, since I had already failed in delivering my message effectively in person I decided that an email would be the next best thing. So I sent a very long and rambling email that wasn’t organized but got my message across. It was definitely a gamble in the long run but at the end of the day I was able to get the results that I wanted because I was willing to get out of my comfort zone and actually say something.
What could be
During my work career I’ve worked with the elderly and those with terminal illnesses. One common theme is that many of them have regrets. These regrets range from something as significant as getting married to something as trivial as having dessert before their actual meal. Many of my patients would talk for hours about what they wished could have been. They wanted a different life but reality and circumstances interfered with their plans. Even though I’m decades younger I still think about how my life could’ve been different if I had made different decisions. While I’m not extremely disappointed in my decisions up to this point, I could probably be at a different place in my life if I made other decisions. More recently I’ve found myself asking this question once again. It’s not a regret and I would call it a wish of sorts. I wish that although the world is small it was a bit smaller in a way that would allow me to pursue an opportunity. I’m not usually extremely disappointed in missed opportunities because it’s a part of the human experience and I am usually able to put that information in perspective. I guess this opportunity was different because it really felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity without any chance of it reappearing again. It’s almost as if fate has a mind of its own. Circumstances keep us from what we would truly want in an ideal existence. But that’s not the world we live in. Our lives aren’t perfect and we don’t live in a happily ever after movie. Sometimes we won’t be able to capitalize on opportunities regardless of how much we want to. I think those kind of disappointments are the kind that stay with you for years after the actual event. They color your world and you wouldn’t be who you are without them. Fate is fate and sometimes that can’t be changed.
New Things
I’m not exactly a fan of change. I’m not against it because I know that I don’t have a choice and that it will happen regardless of what I think or feel. However, it’s often not a comfortable or pleasant experience. There’s frequently quoted prayer about changing the things we can’t accept and accepting the things we can’t change. I’ve learned that there are some things that we can definitely change about ourselves. While we can’t always change our environments and move away, sometimes a change in mindset makes all the difference. About a six weeks ago I decided to change course a bit and pursue something that I had never tried before. Despite the fact that I don’t care for change, I usually like having new experiences when the trepidation wears off. Feeling like you don’t have any control is one of the quickest ways to start acting irrationally. I learned this quickly in my work with others. The more options available, the more people feel as if their words are important–even if they aren’t. This new endeavor is by far something that I’m not used to. However, I know without a doubt that I’ll regret it for a significant period time if I don’t push forward and go after it. I’ve never quite agreed with the “one size fits all” mentality and despite the initial discomfort associated with the unfamiliar, I know that it’s the right decision to make. The pros and cons have been weighed and ironically things have started to line up in a way I didn’t expect since deciding on this new course of action. In some circles people would call that confirmation. I have analyzed and overanalyzed and yet the same course of action still presents as the most logical direction to go. I’ve learned that there are some things I can’t change and some things that I can. And now it’s time to make one of those “change-able” changes.
Inclusion
Last night I had the opportunity to listen to a presentation about diversity vs. inclusion that was by far the best one I’ve heard on the topic to date. The topic of diversity is something that has been played out. Yet, it’s a conversation that continues to happen because it’s still needed. Interestingly, the presenter brought out the fact that a discussion around inclusion can be much more fruitful than continuing to go down the path of diversity training. The thing about inclusion training is that it involves everyone. You aren’t expecting the one person of color in the room to speak on their race and there’s a reduction in the frustrated sighs of people who are subjected to yet another lecture in diversity. The funny thing is that when everyone feels included, diversity will happen naturally and not feel so forced. People will be more comfortable having open dialogue about topics that aren’t deemed politically correct. One thing that speaker brought attention to was Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. If you want to know more about it, google is just a few clicks away. To put it simply, we have to be aware of where people are on the hierarchy and learn to relate to them at that level. The speaker brought out the fact that when a group of people is worried about their basic needs (food, water, shelter, etc) an intellectual talk on an abstract topic will never interest them. It’s not relevant to their world at the moment and doesn’t fit into the current needs that they have. By the same token, if someone is higher up on the hierarchy then a discussion about basic needs or safety immediately feels like someone is talking down to them or isn’t on their level. A while ago, I did a post about being exclusive and while I think that there is an appropriate setting for that type of thing, the workplace isn’t it. Most people would agree that it’s a lot easier to get everyone on board with a particular plan or goal if you give everyone partial ownership of the plan. While this doesn’t mean that you delegate duties in a hundred directions, it means that you are deliberately inclusive and give everyone a part to play. People tend to feel happier about their job, themselves, and their projects when they feel that they are a valuable player in the equation.
Alisha's Angle 