I don’t want to make the assumption that everyone has been friend-zoned at least once in their life. However, I think that it would be correct to assume that everyone at knows at least ONE person that this has happened to. The phenomenon of the friend zone has been around as long as the opinion that men and women can be platonic friends without one or the other catching feelings. While I think that this can occur, the instances where it has been successful for a long period of time are very few. The friend-zone is not the greatest place to be because you’re in a state of limbo. Torn between what you have and what you wish you had. You enjoy the company and attention from your “friend” but it’s not in the way that you actually want it to be. Being friend zoned is probably the equivalent of craving some cadillac-brand of butter pecan ice cream but getting stuck with plain yoghurt. Both are in the dairy family but vastly different in taste and texture. One thing about the friend zone is that it’s comfortable. There’s less expectations and as a result there’s less chance of misunderstandings. Both people (on paper) appear to have come to a mutual agreement about the status of the relationship. However one person wishes that the relationship could move beyond friendship but for the sake of the relationship they resign themselves to their fate. They have been relegated to a corner in the friendship despite (usually) small attempts to shift the direction of the relationship elsewhere. This usually also includes seeing the object of one’s affection date and sometimes even marry another. Am I advocating for all the friend zoned people to confess their true feelings and risk rejection for the sake of being honest to themselves? Nope. The truth is that when you’ve had enough you’ll make a decision. Humans tend to change or even make important decisions when they become sick and tired of their current situation. If you don’t like being friend-zoned bad enough, you’ll do something about it and speak up. Point blank. If not, you’ll just pine away in an almost relationship with someone who most likely doesn’t have a clue about your real feelings. It may not be ideal but it’s the choice you made.
Tag Archives: couples
Safety First
Safety is something that is at the forefront of our minds a lot of the time. Whether it’s looking both ways before crossing the street, parking in a lighted area, or buying a concealed weapon for your house. We hate being caught off guard. However our emotional safety is important as well. Working in mental health “not feeling safe” a way that a lot of people express the fact that they are not in a good emotional space and they’re afraid that they may do something impulsive. Rarely do people get to feeling this way without some type of cause. It could be stress in their relationship, work, or even something in their childhood that happened and they are just now remembering. They are vulnerable and they’re reaching out for help. Emotional safety can be defined differently by different people. You’ll notice that when someone feels emotionally safe they are much more likely to open up and being genuine with themselves and others. They are also more likely to show vulnerability. This is why many times you don’t know who someone really is until you’ve known them for a few years and they feel comfortable with you. Feeling emotionally safe can sometimes be harder with those you’re close to than with perfect strangers. Think of programs like Alcoholics Anonymous where people incredible vulnerable about their addictions and struggles but still get to remain somewhat anonymous. That being said, I have so much respect for people who can be vulnerable about their struggles and experiences in a group of people that they know. Because they are really putting themselves out there in the hope that their vulnerability will inspire and motivate others. In some ways I feel that writing a book where you’re vulnerable and speaking in a group of people with that same level of vulnerability is something totally different. As a therapist, I know that vulnerability is one of the best emotions in the therapy room, but there has to be a high level of emotional safety and if one person is vulnerable and the other person isn’t supportive or doesn’t care, the session quickly becomes counterproductive with both people leaving feeling hurt and upset at the other. This is why the emotional safety of both individuals has to be a priority.
Temptation (the movie)
I like Tyler Perry. Despite the fact that I’ve never met him personally, I admire his story have enjoyed the videos that he’s posted. Despite this, I haven’t cared for all of his theater and movie productions. Netflix recently put his movie, Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor on their site and I recently watched it for the second time hoping that it would be better. Not so. One of the downfalls to having an actual background and experience being a therapist is that you tend to critique the way that therapy is portrayed on the big screen. However, the movie definitely sheds some light into marriages and portrays a situation that has been repeated in millions of marriages. But first, let’s talk about why Judith (the marriage counselor) feels that it’s necessary to monopolize the entire session with her client telling her a story about her supposed sister who is really herself. Self-disclosure much. But I digress. The breakdown of Judith and Brice’s marriage involves both of them. They are both busy people who are stressed by their jobs but rarely take the time to actually spend with each other. Both feel neglected by the other but they have not discussed this with each other. They have been together for years and have slowly slid into the place where their marriage just “is.” It becomes more of a habit for them than anything else. This is when the problem arises. Harley enters the scene as everything Judith has ever imagined or dream of. You can see in the movie that Judith attempts to seek Brice out for emotional connection but he is closed off and totally blows her off. This rejection is the last straw for Judith who then decides that her life would be better with Harley. The interesting thing is that Brice also makes heartfelt gestures to save the marriage but he is promptly rejected by Judith who has decided that he’s too late and that her decision has already been made. This leads to the demise of the relationship and marriage. The irony of all this is that Judith works as a matchmaker who puts people together. This movie tells the story of millions of people and their marriages. Just because the grass looks different doesn’t always mean that it’s greener. Judith learns this lesson the hard way after she discovers that the man she thinks she loves is not only abusive but also infects her with AIDS. Not the greatest ending ever. I say all this to say that Judith and Brice’s marriage was fix-able. Judith left her husband because of an emotional connection with another and because all her gestures and attempts at connecting with her husband had no results. When she finally realizes what a mistake she’s made it is too late to make amends and her (now) ex-husband belongs to another. It’s taken her too long to come to her senses. The problem is that both took the other for granted until it was too late. They assumed that just because they were married things would work out. They didn’t take the time to actively work on the marriage and to meet the emotional needs of the other and both paid the price of the failed relationship.
No New Friends
Many of us are familiar with the lyrics to this popular song. Along with a catchy hook, the song embodies a sentiment that many people would agree with. The artist in this song repeats the three words “no new friends” over and over again. Great friendships aren’t made overnight. Have you ever met someone and within a matter of minutes they have already decided that they are your best friend? One of the most annoying experiences ever. I think that the best friendships and relationships have stood the test of time. They involve people who you have known forever–or you’ve gone through so many experiences together that it feel like forever. Many people have a “core” group of friends who they keep up with. One thing that I have learned is that many times people who have a “no new friends” mentality actually make the best friends. This is because they tend to be fiercely loyal because they don’t have many reasons not to be. People who have had good friends for long periods of time tend to be more comfortable with themselves and also more likely to refuse to be drawn into superficial and surface relationships. At least in my opinion. There’s more genuineness and authenticity when someone isn’t looking for a friend for the sheer reason that they feel they need one. Friendships have to develop and grow and sometimes people don’t want to be bothered with the process of meeting someone and building a relationship with them. In my opinion, I don’t think that having a lot of friends is necessary because quality is more important than quantity. It’s easier to be yourself and comfortable with people who know you well and who you have known for years. Having a “no new friends” mentality is somewhat of a luxury because it implies that you actually have old friends and are still close to them. Getting out of your comfort zone and doing something different often means that you have to let go of a “no new friends” mentality and just meet and get to know new people. Not the “funnest” thing ever, but definitely necessary. However, now having any new friends actually works for some people. They’re comfortable that way and they don’t want to change. I don’t blame them. If something isn’t broken, there is no reason to fix it. At least most of the time.
Single Ladies.. (Put a ring on it)
So according to the wonderful and reliable source called Google, the average cost of an engagement ring today is about 5k. I think somewhere in the big scheme of things, many women have come to the conclusion that somehow the size of the diamond equals the amount of love or commitment to the relationship. The ring serves as “proof” that you’re actually engaged and plus you get a chance to show it off to your single friends and enjoy their jealous “you’re so lucky” looks. In addition to a ring, I know of people who have been proposed to with watches. Definitely a more practical option because it serves the purpose of telling time, however the romantic factor may be lacking. Honestly thinking about it, engagement rings are more for the romantic factor. How practical is it to drop the price of a decent used car on something that perches happily on your finger? However, the very impractical side of me really doesn’t care because like most people, I genuinely appreciate a nice gift, practical or not.
I’m not going to lie, I see engagement rings that look like this and inwardly I cringe. And while I’m not going to say that I have fully escaped the grasp of materialism, I will say that this ring is a complete joke. Honestly, if I got proposed to with this ring I would give it right back to the giver. This ring defeats the purpose of a engagement ring. Nowadays, the current fad is for both people to contribute equally to the cost of the ring. While I’m not advocating picking something so extravagant that you spend years on the payments, I am saying that it should be a decent size. It’s an “all or nothing” concept. If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it and don’t try to fix it up with something that looks like the above picture. It’s an insult. The whole “thought that counts” thing applies to not buying anything or just saving up. There’s no middle ground.
Love Languages
Learning or knowing someone’s love language has been something that I’ve always encouraged my clients to do for themselves and their partner. Especially when both say that “communication problems” are the reason why they’re in counseling. “Communication problems” are usually just the symptom of a bigger issue going on on the relationship. I usually encourage my couples to take the test and then discuss the results with each other. Then I’ll encourage them to start to learn their partner’s love language and let that show in their actions. I took the test myself and discovered that my love language is Physical Touch. I talked about it a little in the “Meaningless Affection” blog post. I’m the kind of person who likes things that are tangible. I enjoy activities that use one of my five senses. I’m not as excited by abstract things. Ironically, my second love language is quality time. I’m pretty particular how I spend my time. Mostly because I know that I can’t get back time that I’ve lost. I’m a big fan of self awareness because the first step in change is knowing that you actually need to. Discovering your love language can be really helpful as you navigate through your friendships and relationships.
Indecision
As some of you may know, I made the (somewhat) dumb decision of continuing my education after my post-graduate program. So now I’m doing a doctorate. I’m a little over a year in and while I’m not crazy about school, I’m doing it for a variety of reasons related to increasing my credibility as a professional. Getting married would have a similar effect but I don’t believe in counting eggs before they hatch so a doctorate it is. Schoolwork up to this point has been ok. I decided that after finishing college with a 3.7 cumulative GPA and finishing graduate school with a 3.9, I wasn’t going to worry as much about grades in this program. I don’t know of one person who brags on their doctorate program GPA. People just care that you finished. Plus, a 70 is a passing score. The biggest part of doing a doctorate is starting and completing a dissertation. Basically a huge research project where you study a topic in depth. Who hasn’t figured out a topic yet? Me. I would love to study something fun but getting a decent sample for qualitative research would be incredibly time consuming. I’m considering the quick and dirty route where I pick something fairly easy that does the trick without me having to overextend myself. But doing this would mean that I would do a fun dissertation on my next doctorate or masters in some off the wall random topic. So I’ve given myself a deadline of February next year to figure out a topic. I know it will have something to do with couples, relationships, therapy, consultation, and effectiveness but I’m not sure of all the details. A topic that I could write a book on might also be something worth considering. But that being said, I need to figure it out. Soon.
The Winter Feeling
One of the things that I occasionally do is call my really good single guy friend and complain about being single. TOTALLY ironic I know, but it always helps to put my life into perspective and it’s actually quite therapeutic. In doing this, I avoid the inevitable cliche’s and words of sympathy that others give me and I get a cold hard dose of reality. Much needed and well deserved. One thing that happens around this time of year is what I call “The Winter Feeling (TWF).” The Winter Feeling is similar to Seasonal Affective Disorder in that it’s seasonal. In my experience it goes from about mid-October to early-March. Now, The Winter Feeling is almost totally the opposite of the Summer Feeling–which I’ll dedicate another blog post to. The Winter Feeling tends to become more prominent as temperatures in the environment start dipping lower. You start thinking about how cold your bed is, you buy an electric blanket and name it, you look for alternative sources of heat such as a cat or dog. Some people even have a Winter Feeling designated individual who they would never see themselves with long term, but who could serve as a “filler-person” for the time being. The Winter Feeling involves increased levels of self awareness as you get colder. The trick is to not let it get to you because before you know it, you’ll just appear thirsty, desperate, and somewhat mentally unstable. The Winter Feeling will have you seeking companionship of any type because it’s cold outside and it gets dark early. Plus, loads of people get engaged in order to plan awesome spring and summer weddings. It’s the time of year when being alone is not the cool thing to be. There’s some unspoken expectation that everyone needs to have SOMEONE around this time of year. However, that’s not the case. The Winter Feeling can take a lot of people by surprise but when you know it’s coming it can be similar to the difference between riding a roller coaster with your eyes closed and your teeth clenched or just enjoying the ride because you know that it won’t last forever but will have ups and downs. One thing I like to remember is to not take myself too seriously. After all, it’s just the winter feeling. Spring will be here soon.
Don’t even bother
One of my IG friends posted this and I HAD to comment on it. I really think that this statement is relevant to so many people–including myself. I like having as full of a picture as possible of an individual and sometimes that really isn’t needed. I think that this quote is alluding to the fact that individuals who aren’t interested in you will also not be interested in letting you find out more about them. I’m not going to go as far as to say that hiding things is childish but there is a certain maturity needed in order to facilitate open communication and to keep a relationship healthy. It’s naive to assume that everyone possesses this maturity and a lack of disclosure and strategic omissions about significant things in their life can be a blaring sign that they don’t possess this maturity. And yes, I’m learning this lesson myself.
Closed and Locked
I think that we all meet people at certain points in our lives who we want to get to know better. The best friendships and relationships are built on common interests. There are some friendships that fall together and others that take time and patience. However, it’s pretty near impossible to get to know someone who does not want to be known. You can beg, prod, plead, scheme, and ask, but a locked door is still a locked door. Some people need time in order to open up for a variety of reasons. However, it’s important to remember that many times these reasons are really good ones. Being vulnerable can be really uncomfortable and hard. I don’t think that it’s something that we should expect overnight. It takes time to build a relationship to the point where both people feel comfortable being themselves 100% of the time. And to be honest, I think that relationships like this are becoming more rare. As someone who is very picky about who my close friends are, I’m much more understanding of people who are totally closed off. It may be that they just want someone to take the time to get to know them instead of letting someone get close to them from day one. Trust takes time. We rarely meet people who we trust 100% after just meeting them. Get to know people as much as they want to be known and let them know that you would like to know them better. But also respect their wishes and don’t push them to open up. They will if they feel comfortable. Point blank.
Alisha's Angle 