I saw this picture and initially laughed but then got annoyed almost immediately afterward. When I finished college I had a decision to make. I could go the safer route and look for a job right out of college or I could pursue a graduate degree. I knew that I had a better chance of getting married if I just had a bachelor’s degree. But I didn’t want to put my life on hold for something that I wasn’t sure would happen. I was 21 years young and without any hint of a significant other in sight. So I moved across the country, and started and completed a masters degree. But let me back up a bit. From a young age I was taught that good men looked for women who went to church and were active in some capacity. So during my masters program I found a church and started being active by singing quite often and taking on small responsibilities. Religion or maybe I should say church going, isn’t usually a man’s favorite pastime. It’s usually overrun with women with emphasis on emotions. We can’t forget that there’s a double standard for women. They are taught that if a man truly loves them he will respect them by respecting their vow of abstinence or celibacy until marriage. I have a theory that this kind of thinking lends itself to unrealistic expectations and very very bitter women. Needless to say, my “experiment” on getting a significant other was not successful and seemed to alienate myself even further from any serious prospects. I’ve never been one of those “I don’t need a man” women, but I can certainly understand some of the emotions behind it. An education can make women more critical as they will only pay attention to men that are on the same education level as them. I don’t think there are many women who want to feel like they are marrying down. Strike one. A very strong traditional religious mindset where you believe that you only need God and that’s it. Couple this with a belief that good men are only found in church and will be happily celibate until marriage. Strike two. Let’s not forget about having a career and trying to move upward. Women in this position are usually planning to put child bearing off for a while because they want to be at a good place in their career. They put in long hours, they don’t date, they buy houses and drive nice cars. While they may be lonely, that feeling is remedied by more work and by girlfriends in a similar position. No man required. Strike three. There’s a hard truth to the picture and it’s not pretty. Perhaps it’s time to rethink some priorities and some expectations. Myself included. 
Tag Archives: single
Two for One
Independence and doing your own thing is something that is valued in many different circles. Single people are told and advised to stay single for as long as humanly possible and enjoy their “season of freedom.” Not too long ago I went on a date where the guy told me numerous times how I was weird and how badly he wanted my life because I travel a lot. Not the greatest thing but I digress. The world is still geared towards couples. From tax breaks to more respect and credibility for others, it’s a good time to be in a relationship. Even travel packages cost you almost twice as much when you travel by yourself. It’s an inconvenient expense that could easily be remedied. Millions of dollars worth of books, CD’s, and DVD’s have been bought giving remedies and steps on how to be a happy and whole single person. The mantra that you have to be ok with yourself before being with someone else is debate-able. I’m not against working out personal issues but it can also be done within a relationship. It’s going to be hard either way. I’m not downing the single life because it definitely has it’s perks at times but there’s something to be said about being able to take advantage of the tax breaks, two for one deals and travel packages that comes along with having a significant other. While these things can be done with friends, it’s still a different dynamic. Must I carry all my groceries up three flights of stairs all the time? Small insignificant but also significant details make you realize how life experiences could change with the presence of a consistent significant other.
Retiring a Discussion
I ran across this article pretty recently and it quickly caught my interest. I’ve included a link here . I’ve seen seminars, books, webinars, and programs all addressing this topic. So many people (both men and women) claim to have the magic formula and list their own love story as the proof that their way works. This article was specifically addressing a Black women as a group. Between the interpersonal cues, relationship coaching, speed dating, and other means of “catching” a significant other. The article challenges that thought behind the idea that a woman’s life should be defined by her relationship status. But let’s face it, unmarried women who don’t have kids aren’t typically looked upon with the same level of respect as career women who are married and raising their kids and balancing it all in a (seemingly) effortless manner. The article highlights the fact that shame is often a part of the internal narrative of black women and explored how one’s relationship status can contribute to levels of shame. That thought made me wonder how many products and advertisements are targeted to someone’s level of shame. Products that are marketed in a way that make you feel inadequate unless you become a consumer of the product. Very thought provoking read.
Why I Hate Internet Dating
Ever since I was in college, one of my few occasional internet surfing activities have included browsing the Craigslist personal ads. I’ve never responded to one but they have been very interesting. Over the years I’ve learned the lingo and what the abbreviations mean. I often wonder what brings people to the point that they decide that true love might be found through the personal ads on Craigslist. Which, by the way is also proof of the fact that most of the country does not know how to write a decent sounding sentence. The way people write these days is nothing short of atrocious. But I digress. I’m not going to lie, I admire their optimism because despite the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic, I’ve seen one too many Catfish episodes where it did not turn out nicely. It’s one thing to meet someone in person and then continue the interactions via social media and other web-based means of communication. It’s a totally different thing to have no point of reference and start a serious relationship based on the understanding that the other person is who they say they are. It’s a huge gamble that doesn’t always turn out the way that you want. Just last night I was watching a Catfish episode where a girl was asking Nev and Max to help her finally meet her FIANCE’ in person because all their interactions had been online. Turns out, the fiance’ was a fake profile and phone number created by her best friend to help her get through a rough patch in her life. Talk about a let down. The thing is that all that emotional pain was avoidable. I know that internet dating has begun to rise in popularity and that it’s a great alternative for a lot of people. But I still strongly prefer face to face interaction. It’s easy to hide crazy behind a screen but it’s harder in person. It’s said by some that during the first few dates you’re seeing someone’s “representative” because they are trying their hardest to impress you and to put their best foot forward. I think that this process is dragged out much longer than necessary when exchanges only happen online. It’s not impossible to find true love online. I know people who are in very successful relationships as a result of online dating. I just don’t care for it.
Compare and Contrast
I have a theory that the majority of single women in the world today know someone who they consider to be un-marry-able (yes, I made that up). Whether it is their looks, personality, or a combination of both, we know in our heart of hearts that it will take a lot for them to get married. I know of women who have vowed that if their never getting married person actually DOES get married they will just give up on life. They’ll wear sweatpants everywhere, won’t bother with makeup, and will die brittle and bitter about it. What’s interesting to me is how we are so quick to talk about how people are unique and have specific characteristics and gifts that aren’t replicated in others, yet we are just as quick to compare our lives others. If each person is unique with different sets of strengths and weaknesses, why do we compare our lives with theirs. On another note, why is it that the way a lot of people feel good about themselves is by comparing themselves to others who may not be at the same point in their life? It’s apples to oranges. If you are so worried about where you are in your life do something about it. Don’t compare yourself to someone who isn’t doing as well as you are and then use it as an excuse to once again be lulled into the gentle waves of mediocrity. There will always be people who have accomplishments. Our mistake is when we let their accomplishments inform our every move and our personal goals. Comparison is the enemy of progress.
A hard reality
So lately it seems as if everyone around me is getting married, engaged, having a child, or accomplishing something. Me? I just do the work and school thing. I’m at a time in my life where the cliche phases no longer make any sense. I’m tired of being asked if I’ve been “found” yet, how I can be such an awesome person and not have a significant other. And my personal favorite “your time will come”. All of these phrases and questions do not serve any real purpose. While I can respect the fact that these sentiments come from a good place, they just don’t make sense. Granted, looking back I probably should have tried harder to get wifed up in college but the fact that I was paying for it (all of it) really made me more focused on graduating on time and getting good grades. Plus the homeschooled social skills weren’t the greatest. I say all this to say that I now know what not to say to younger people. However, I’m also not going to plan my life around an ideal or a plan that may never be my reality. I’m all for optimism but you have to have a plan B. It doesn’t work otherwise. As much as a significant change in my relationship status could positively affect my quality of life, I can also recognize the importance on not basing my happiness on the presence of someone else in my life. Not an easy pill to swallow. But it’s better in the long run.
Small Stuff
In the past few weeks, I’ve had conversations with women in which they talk about a man’s good traits and bad traits but then say that something that he does or believes in is an automatic deal breaker for them and thus, he is no longer under consideration for anything other than a distant friend. I believe in standards. I have them and for the most part, I stick to them. But the common theme that has been the deal breaker in conversations with numerous women is that the man does not have a college degree or above. The reasons given for this blatant disregard for anyone who doesn’t meet this standard is that there will be nothing to talk about if the man isn’t educated. In today’s society, so much weight is placed on where you went to school, what your grades were, what your degree was in, if you finished college. This has happened to the extent that there are people who honestly think that going to college is an indication of intelligence. Maybe it’s the homeschooler in me, but I honestly think that having an education is not an indication of intelligence at all. At all. These days you don’t even have to be smart to make good grades. I’m definitely a witness to that. You just have to know the system and how to find the right resources to get the information that you need. While I don’t necessarily consider myself “educated,” I probably somewhat fit the criteria for that particular term. I can honestly say that the many of the smartest and most intelligent people I know do not have college degrees. People who think outside the box tend to make more money and are more successful than those who don’t. Education is a box. My point in saying all this is that you miss out on a lot when you immediately disregard someone because they don’t meet a particular educational requirement. College is honestly not for everyone and there are plenty of people who have made millions without stepping foot inside a college classroom. It’s about the desire to learn and the ability to find the resources you need to get where you want to go. These days, almost everything you would get in a college classroom is accessible on some level through the internet at a much lower price. There are so many better things you can use to screen potential significant others but I don’t think that highest education level should be one of them.
One thing that never fails to annoy me is when people state emphatically that people in relationships or married people have no business going to or seeking counsel from people who aren’t married. Now on the surface this perspective appears to make a lot of sense. What business do you have going to someone who isn’t in a relationship themselves to get advice? What if you followed this advice and went to someone who was actually married and their advice wasn’t sound because they could only give counsel in the context of their current situation and could only say what they would do if they were you? One of the reasons that I think that this logic is flawed is that when you apply it to other situations it makes absolutely no sense. Do you refuse to be treated by a medical professional because he or she has never experienced your particular medical challenge? Would you refuse the aid of a lifeguard when you’re drowning because he or she has never been in your predicament before? Or better yet, would you ignore a policeman or a fireman when you’re in a dangerous situation because they haven’t been in your shoes? Absolutely not. The reason why we are willing to trust these people and take their suggestions, directions, and counsel so seriously is because we believe that they have skills we don’t possess and we trust in the quality of their training. The same concept applies to therapists. If someone took the time to get the necessary education and gain the right skills, their current relationship status is irrelevant. A lot of people don’t realize the work that goes into becoming licensed to provide therapy. In addition to a master’s degree, you have to work in the field for 2 years or more after graduation and complete at least 3000 or more work hours depending on your state. I say all this to say that you should trust the training a therapist has instead of writing him or her off because they aren’t just like you. That’s stupid.
Trusting someone’s training
I think I’m the one
I’ve never been 100% down with the I’m-good-by-myself-and-I-don’t-need-a-man movement. However, I think that hanging your entire life on the idea that one day you’ll meet someone who fulfills your every want and need and will love you unconditionally forever is incredibly stupid. Notice I said ENTIRE life. We all have dreams and goals and having a significant other is likely to be one of them. I have heard numerous women talk about “him.” How “he” is going to find them and pay for everything, put them in a Benz or a Beamer, and love them. This picture made me laugh but also made me think at the same time. It’s important to know who you are and what you like. That way, if you get screwed over in a relationship and find yourself single again, you won’t have to start from scratch and re-find your identity. Just saying….
My Heart Condition (Cardiomegaly)
I think I may suffer from Cardiomegaly. Not in the physical sense, but definitely emotionally. For those of you who may not have wikipedia nearby, Cardiomegaly is when the heart is enlarged and it can be caused by a variety of different things including tumors, anemia, and cocaine use. I think my heart may actually be too big and that realization is coming to me slowly but pretty surely. I’m the kind of person who will go above and beyond the call of duty for someone that is close to me. While I’ve gotten better with sticking to boundaries, I still will bend over backwards to help someone I consider part of my family (immediate, close, or adopted). Now this is actually a good thing. I can be counted on and I’m loyal to a fault. HOWEVER, the bad part about this is that if I legitimately care about someone. I’ll still be inconvenienced and sacrifice enormously despite the fact that they 1. Don’t care about me back 2. Don’t know that I’m actually being inconvenienced and 3. Have not given me ANY indication that they’re about to care about me. As a therapist, one of the things that I talk about all the time with my clients is the importance of sticking to your boundaries and being with people that appreciate you. I first noticed this enlarged heart condition when I was a little kid and I could empathize with people and cry when someone started crying just because I was sad that they were sad. To this day, I still occasionally do that. It’s a good thing to care about people and to be genuinely interested in their welfare. But it’s another thing to care to the point that it’s at your own personal expense and the other person remains oblivious to your caring. This has happened to me more times than I would care to count. But, it’s something that I am actually aware of and despite the fact that caring too much continually screws me over, I’ve gotten used to it. It’s painful and involves a lot of emotions but it’s who I am. It’s uncomfortable and almost always inconvenient but it’s familiar. So many people talk about how they want their hearts to soften but I could probably benefit from a little hardening. As someone told me this week, “caring a lot about other people can be both a blessing and a curse.” And who knows, maybe caring too much will one day work in my favor instead of working against me.
Alisha's Angle 