Have you ever been in a conversation with someone that you wanted to end but didn’t want to appear rude? I like this picture because it’s a reminder that there are certain things that waste time. Time you can never get back. One thing I want to do is maximize my time and I can’t do that if I’m stuck in meaningless interactions with people who share the same characteristics as parasites. People will always want something from you but their demands should never dictate your life.
The quality of self-control is often disregarded nowadays. People offer numerous excuses for their actions and blame the circumstances on choices that they themselves have made. “I couldn’t help myself” or “I just could not say no” are two of the excuses and the reasons why many people miss out on opportunities for success. Self control and discipline can be similar but they are very different. You can exercise self-control without being a disciplined person. One example of this is the choice to not assault someone who says something rude to you even though in your head you imagine your fist connecting with their face. We all know people who have been sucked into the drama of their friends. This can manifest in many different ways and many times a plan of action is required in order to entangle oneself from the messy web. For some, that person is their weakness or their drug. They can have their whole lives together but that one chink in their armor sets them up for pain because they just can’t say no. They can’t ignore the phone call, text, or facebook message. The interesting thing is that the person did not always have the amount of power over them. At some point you gave them the ability to suck you in. Many times this happens in romantic relationships that have gone bad but emotions are still heavily involved. Sometimes it becomes necessary to put yourself on a no-contact order with this person. This order is self-mandated as opposed to the legal ramifications of a restraining order. It requires a firm choice and enough self control to follow through even on days that are rough. You are making the choice to go “cold turkey” in order to break some relational bonds that are no longer benefitting you in any way. This means that you might experience some sort of emotional withdrawals because you’re breaking a habit that has become almost second nature. You have to be honest with yourself and also realistic in making this a life decision and not a “for right now” choice. The thing about a self-imposed no contact order is that it doesn’t work unless you actually stick to it. You can’t afford to have a weak day and sometimes this even requires an accountability partner of sorts because you have to break the habit. A few years back I had a friend who I talked to every night for a MINIMUM of two hours that sometimes went to 7 hours. This nightly practice continued for about 5 or 6 months. When the friendship suddenly disintegrated one day, it took me almost 7 months to get back on a regular sleep schedule because this person had occupied such a prominent place in my life and suddenly they didn’t. No contact orders also work when you need to take a break and evaluate a friendship or relationship. You aren’t required to explain to the other person that you won’t be taking their calls, responding to texts, or talking to them for a certain period of time. You can let your actions speak for you. How the other person handles you taking time away from them will be very telling of their maturity level and the true nature of the relationship. No contact orders can also be good when you start to question your investment of time and energy in a relationship that does not appear to be reciprocated. When you’re always the one making the effort and giving, a no contact order can give you some clarity on your expectations and what needs to change in order for the relationship to be successful.
I sometimes conceptualize relationships as a living breathing organism that needs attention and care. In the beginning of a relationship, you have to start somewhat carefully and nurture it. You have to spend time with the other person and while some relationships may be easy, a strong one requires you to be deliberate. It doesn’t happen overnight. You solve misunderstandings and constantly assess what’s needed in order to make it stronger. You invest copious amounts of time and energy in the hope that it will be reciprocated and that you will get the results you desire. Sometimes this involves fighting for the relationship and defending it. Prioritizing it when it’s not always convenient and making amends when there is a conflict. This means that a relationship can be like an actual project. Recently I’ve been evaluating my friendships and relationships with others. I’ve realized that there are times that you have to literally step away from a friendship or relationship for a variety of reasons. Sometimes the reason is that after you’ve put in time, invested energy and resources and nurtured it, you have to see if it can survive on its own. This sometimes happens with distance. But it can also be a deliberate choice to test the strength of the relationship to see if it can last without being nurtured all the time. The truth is that sometimes the only way to know if you’ve done good work is to step away and see if it can stand alone without assistance. Many times this process isn’t easy but in the end it’s worth it because you know where you stand and you can decide if the relationship is actually worth your continued time and energy.
One thing that I really like about therapy is that you have the opportunity to hold the hope in the room. What I mean by that is that I have the opportunity to be a source of hope for a couple or family that has lost theirs. Hopes and dreams are very related to each in that both are intangible. They both deal with the future and looking away from the current situation. Being a dream or hope holder means that you can be optimistic for the person in a hard situation. I’ve noticed both with myself and with other colleagues that sometimes it’s easier holding someone else’s hope as opposed to getting or keeping your own. How many of us kill our hopes and dreams for a myriad of reasons? Instead of not tending to them and letting then die on their own accord, we aggressively mentally hack our hopes and dreams to pieces. It’s almost as if we don’t want to give ourselves the option of succeeding. Yet there’s something in us that wants to hope against hope. However we ignore this and continue to sabotage our hopes and dreams. The problem with doing is that sometimes there is a reason we have certain hopes and dreams. Killing them uses up energy that could be put to better use. Humans are adaptable and resilient and deep down inside most people want to know that they matter in some way and that their dreams are reachable. Maybe making the decision to not sabotage your hopes and dreams because of outside factors is the beginning of something big.
I don’t want to make the assumption that everyone has been friend-zoned at least once in their life. However, I think that it would be correct to assume that everyone at knows at least ONE person that this has happened to. The phenomenon of the friend zone has been around as long as the opinion that men and women can be platonic friends without one or the other catching feelings. While I think that this can occur, the instances where it has been successful for a long period of time are very few. The friend-zone is not the greatest place to be because you’re in a state of limbo. Torn between what you have and what you wish you had. You enjoy the company and attention from your “friend” but it’s not in the way that you actually want it to be. Being friend zoned is probably the equivalent of craving some cadillac-brand of butter pecan ice cream but getting stuck with plain yoghurt. Both are in the dairy family but vastly different in taste and texture. One thing about the friend zone is that it’s comfortable. There’s less expectations and as a result there’s less chance of misunderstandings. Both people (on paper) appear to have come to a mutual agreement about the status of the relationship. However one person wishes that the relationship could move beyond friendship but for the sake of the relationship they resign themselves to their fate. They have been relegated to a corner in the friendship despite (usually) small attempts to shift the direction of the relationship elsewhere. This usually also includes seeing the object of one’s affection date and sometimes even marry another. Am I advocating for all the friend zoned people to confess their true feelings and risk rejection for the sake of being honest to themselves? Nope. The truth is that when you’ve had enough you’ll make a decision. Humans tend to change or even make important decisions when they become sick and tired of their current situation. If you don’t like being friend-zoned bad enough, you’ll do something about it and speak up. Point blank. If not, you’ll just pine away in an almost relationship with someone who most likely doesn’t have a clue about your real feelings. It may not be ideal but it’s the choice you made.
Have you ever looked around and wondered why so many people live in a box? Not literally. While there are millions of people who live in boxes I’m referring to the box of the expectations of other people. One thing that social psychology has taught me is how much we influence each other. The saying, “no man is an island” actually has some truth to it. We are more productive in a community that is positive and supportive. However, sometimes it’s necessary to venture out of the community on your own. It’s easy to settle for stuff when you’re in a group of people doing the same thing. There are numerous examples of people who had to separate themselves from their peers and friends in order to succeed in life. It’s the life that 95% of people don’t want to live. They may be uncomfortable in the box but they’ll never leave because they aren’t willing to risk being misunderstood by their close friends and family. Being truly successful means breaking free of the expectations of others and competing with yourself. The 5% of people who are successful are willing to go the extra mile and do what others are too lazy, too tired, too busy, and too unfocused to do. It’s not an easy road but the results are permanent.
I really really like smart people. In the world that we live in, individuality is said to be celebrated and appreciated. However, we still (and maybe unknowingly) look down on or despise people who do not fit into our molds of what they should be like. History tells us that the people who accomplish the most and succeeded tend to be those who think outside the box and aren’t afraid to challenge the social and societal norms of their time. So many people are taught to fit in from an early age. They are encouraged to do well in school, get along with their peers, graduate from a decent college after wasting freshman year partying, find a good job, marry, work some more, and die. I have witness so many older adults approaching 20-somethings and asking them if they in school and if not, they are somehow wasting their lives away. While I can’t image my life without a significant amount of stress about my education and schoolwork, I recognize that the traditional route isn’t for everyone and in reality, it shouldn’t be. Over the past few weeks, I have had the opportunity to listen to people who are extremely intelligent. But in addition to being intelligent, they are able to convey their thoughts and ideas in a way that is extremely clear. While these individuals may not have degrees, they have adopted the mindset of being a lifelong learner. While I try not to divide the people I know into categories based on my perceptions of their intelligence, I have learned that you can’t have all conversations with all people. It just doesn’t work out that way. It’s extremely hard, if not impossible to have a conversation with someone about a topic that they know absolutely nothing about. This doesn’t mean that they’re not intelligent, it just means that they have a different point of reference. The deer in the headlights look in the middle of a conversation is usually a hint to change the topic. This is the point in my post where I insert some inspirational quote about eagles not hanging with chickens. To be clear, I think that we can learn a lot from the people around us. However, you won’t ever stretch your mind if you’re the smartest person in your group of friends and you know it. People who know what they are talking about and are aware of the world around them are more sought out than those who don’t. Point blank. Find someone smarter than you and be their friend. You’ll learn a lot.
I think that we all meet people at certain points in our lives who we want to get to know better. The best friendships and relationships are built on common interests. There are some friendships that fall together and others that take time and patience. However, it’s pretty near impossible to get to know someone who does not want to be known. You can beg, prod, plead, scheme, and ask, but a locked door is still a locked door. Some people need time in order to open up for a variety of reasons. However, it’s important to remember that many times these reasons are really good ones. Being vulnerable can be really uncomfortable and hard. I don’t think that it’s something that we should expect overnight. It takes time to build a relationship to the point where both people feel comfortable being themselves 100% of the time. And to be honest, I think that relationships like this are becoming more rare. As someone who is very picky about who my close friends are, I’m much more understanding of people who are totally closed off. It may be that they just want someone to take the time to get to know them instead of letting someone get close to them from day one. Trust takes time. We rarely meet people who we trust 100% after just meeting them. Get to know people as much as they want to be known and let them know that you would like to know them better. But also respect their wishes and don’t push them to open up. They will if they feel comfortable. Point blank.
If I wasn’t in the counseling/social work field one of my ultimate dream jobs would be to live in a little apartment off of a library and just read books all day. However since that is so obviously unrealistic, my second job choice would be a private investigator. The character trait of being nosy was directly passed down to me genetically from my mother and it has not diminished in my adult years. I learned from an early age how to look things up in courthouses and then later online. I remember looking up property deeds with my mom and finding out how much people paid for their houses (it’s public record). I think that my nosy personality is the reason why TV shows like Catfish are so intriguing to me. How someone can be in a relationship for years with someone who they’ve never met or even seen on Skype or Facetime. It requires a lot of trust that I do not possess. Come to think of it, part of my job as a therapist is to be nosy—but with a specific purpose in mind. I ask “nosy” questions because they inform the techniques and interventions that I use in the therapy room. I also like discovering information outside the realm of my profession. My friends tease me that I need to acquire more information the old fashioned way–by just asking people. But I digress. My point is that sometimes it actually pays to be nosy. You can find out a LOT about someone by a) talking to them, and b) doing a simple Google search. And who knows, you might be able to save yourself from a lot of hurt and unexpected surprises if you can do it before your feelings get involved. Kinda like a preliminary screening. But maybe that’s just me….
I consider myself an undercover touchy feely person. I say undercover because in no way, shape, or form does it appear that way to many people that know me. I’m the person who would much rather sit by myself than be commanded to “turn to my neighbor” or “give my neighbor a hug.” Quite frankly, I find it awkward and extremely annoying. This often happens in church-like settings where apparently the leader of some sort is trying to break the ice and apparently build lifelong bonds between people in the audience. Call me mean, but that’s not my intention. I don’t mind meeting new people and I have a nosy personality that seeks to find out what makes someone tick. I like to hear life stories and get advice and direction from people with a different perspective. However, I’m not down (and may not ever be) with hugging perfect strangers and telling them that I love them because I was told to do so. I remember reading somewhere that giving or receiving hugs can help the body and improve mental health. While I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with this, in my case hugs with perfect strangers do not count towards my “daily hug quota.” I don’t usually even know the person’s name. But refusing a hug creates one of the most awkward moments–especially if you don’t know the person. I honestly think that a hug in this type of situation is a type of meaningless affection. It means nothing. Conveys nothing. Accomplishes nothing. Now I know that other people would disagree with me and I’m sure that there are plenty of people who hug perfect strangers because there is a legitimate purpose. But in this situation, hugging someone because you were told to do so does not count as a legitimate reason with an actual purpose. Humans can be so trained to do whatever someone tells them to do because they have some sort of title. Makes no sense to me. Will I ever sit next to someone and inform them that I don’t do hugs from strangers? Probably not. But will I continue to cringe in my head whenever I hear a “turn to your neighbor?” Yup. What can I say? I just feel more comfortable hugging people I actually know.
Alisha's Angle 