Category Archives: Relationships

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V-Day

So the most hated and loved holiday is once again upon us. As fate would have it, this particular holiday falls on a weekend so there’s plenty of opportunity for all the salty people to post their thoughts on this commercialized show of affection. Emotions can be high on both sides but this year I get to greet the holiday with a massive dose of indifference. Finally. While I would love to attribute this to a paradigm shift and a change of perspective, that isn’t the case. I’m just exhausted from working a lot of night shifts and have other important things to focus on. The whole “woe is me” and telling everyone on social media how much you love yourself and don’t need someone else is so played out. It’s not the end of the world so stop acting like it is. Everyone wants to be profound or drop some essential knowledge but it’s not necessary. The truth of the matter is that if you only tell your loved ones that you love them once a year it’s extremely pointless. People want to feel appreciated all the time– or at the minimum more than once a year. Opportunities exist, seize them and don’t try to cram every romantic gesture into a 24 hour period.

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Relationship Ingredients

A few years ago I got the brilliant thought of building rapport with someone who I wanted to get to know better. Of course I had to make the process more complicated then it had to be. One of the characteristics that I find most important is the presence of quality time. I think it’s hard to be genuine friends with someone when you barely know them because you haven’t spent enough time with them. There was a lot of strategy and thinking involved in the process of building rapport. The funny thing was that I really didn’t even speak to this person on a regular basis. I just went out of my way to have conversations with them and to have meaningful interactions. The funny thing was that while we were never close there was enough rapport to have inside jokes and to communicate entire sentences telepathically. The whole experience reminded me how friendships and relationships aren’t always an exact science. To this day when I get a random hello or some way of recognition from him I’m not super excited or flattered because I worked for it. The truth is that when you go out of your way to make someone feel special and take a genuine interest in them they’ll be much more likely to remember you. I feel like that’s the basis of a lot of good relationships. Common goals and experiences along with time.

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How To Make Someone Fall in Love with You

I rarely browse articles but the title of this one caught my eye. After reading it I immediately realized that it was the best non-scholarly article I’ve read this year to date. I’m a psychology junkie and I love reading articles and books related to relationships, human interactions, and patterns of behavior. Very interesting stuff. Now, outside of the fact that the author is a good writer, she also took the liberty of attaching the original research article that she was referencing. This was great because it gave me a little more background on the original study that had been done. Which, by the way, would have been an excellent dissertation topic. The whole idea  behind the article is that we choose who we fall in love with and that we can fall in love with someone based on interpersonal interactions we’ve had with them that were meaningful and required both individuals to be vulnerable to each other at the same time. The study the author referenced was conducted with college psychology students that were paired together. They were tasked with asking each other a set of questions and their emotional closeness was measured afterwards. There was also a component that author of the article noted that included looking into the eyes of the person for four minutes straight. Yes, four minutes. The idea behind that is that it is a way for both individuals to feel equally vulnerable at the same time. This builds emotional closeness. The author in the article tried this with a guy using the same questions from the original study and got positive results. It’s interesting how relationship dynamics can change when there are opportunities to talk about personal topics. You can sometimes see a different side of someone when they are by themselves versus when they are in a group because their defenses are down and a one-on-one interaction can foster an environment of intimacy and emotional closeness that is much harder to achieve in a group setting. So hypothetically, you could “gently persuade” someone to fall in love with you by looking into their eyes for four minutes and the facilitation of these discussion questions the author mentions and includes a link for in the article. Interesting.

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18 Qualities

I ran into this article through Facebook and thought it was an interesting read. The definition of the “Z” man appeared to  be something that most women would appreciate. People who have very strong personalities tend to have a harder time when their partners are equally stubborn. When both people can’t compromise it leads to a lot of challenges. The thing about this article is that it outlined qualities that are important in successful relationships across the board. My favorite one was number 8 “moving at the same speed.” I love that idea because there’s so much discussion about wanting to marry up. The chance to skip a socio-economic class and to be in a different income bracket. There’s nothing wrong with marrying up but I think that there’s something to be said for marrying across (as equals). There’s less of a power struggle and ideally the situation would encourage empathy from both partners. It was a thought provoking article.

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It’s Over

I don’t know if I’ve ever posted a John Legend song in the time that I’ve had this blog and it’s been a shame. Now, I would not go as far to say that I know ALL the lyrics to ALL of his songs, but I will say that I’ve been listening to his music since before I was allowed to listen to secular music and had to sneak around. Quite a feat for a homeschooler.  This is one of my all time favorite songs that he’s done. It’s been on repeat all this week for some strange reason. John has a way or writing songs that are super easy to relate to. The melodies are unique but not distracting from the lyrics. And John’s voice has a signature sound that adds to the genuineness of his music. This song reminded me of some of the times where I’ve had to delete numbers and then re-save them in my phone under “never EVER answer.” The thing about this song is that it’s catchy but also makes a declaration in some fashion. There will always be people who have trouble letting go. Whether it’s their favorite food, or a relationship they are incredibly intricately involved with, sometimes things have an expiration date. It doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing, it just means that we have to make some adjustments. Life changes and people change as well. Sometimes those changes require some reconsideration of close relationships. There will always be people who don’t want to take “no” for an answer. But if it’s over, it’s over.

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Why I Hate Internet Dating

Ever since I was in college, one of my few occasional internet surfing activities have included browsing the Craigslist personal ads. I’ve never responded to one but they have been very interesting. Over the years I’ve learned the lingo and what the abbreviations mean. I often wonder what brings people to the point that they decide that true love might be found through the personal ads on Craigslist.  Which, by the way is also proof of the fact that most of the country does not know how to write a decent sounding sentence. The way people write these days is nothing short of atrocious. But I digress. I’m not going to lie, I admire their optimism because despite the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic, I’ve seen one too many Catfish episodes where it did not turn out nicely. It’s one thing to meet someone in person and then continue the interactions via social media and other web-based means of communication. It’s a totally different thing to have no point of reference and start a serious relationship based on the understanding that the other person is who they say they are.  It’s a huge gamble that doesn’t always turn out the way that you want. Just last night I was watching a Catfish episode where a girl was asking Nev and Max to help her finally meet her FIANCE’ in person because all their interactions had been online. Turns out, the fiance’ was a fake profile and phone number created by her best friend to help her get through a rough patch in her life. Talk about a let down. The thing is that all that emotional pain was avoidable. I know that internet dating has begun to rise in popularity and that it’s a great alternative for a lot of people. But I still strongly prefer face to face interaction. It’s easy to hide crazy behind a screen but it’s harder in person. It’s said by some that during the first few dates you’re seeing someone’s “representative” because they are trying their hardest to impress you and to put their best foot forward. I think that this process is dragged out much longer than necessary when exchanges only happen online. It’s not impossible to find true love online. I know people who are in very successful relationships as a result of online dating. I just don’t care for it.

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Social observation

Recently I had the chance to observe a group in a festive social setting. I’m a people watcher by nature and I enjoy observing the interactions around me. I’ve often said that if I wasn’t so emotionally infested I would center my dissertation around the study of those interactions. The first thing I do after going into a room is to do a quick scan to see who is there. After this I usually immediately locate the top four most attractive people in the room. It’s not that I have any bad motives. It’s just a habit I have as I’ve noticed that attractive people seem to carry themselves differently. Maybe it’s because they have more confidence and see the world from a different perspective. I’m not a huge fan of new social environments but it’s interesting to see how social norms and cues inform behaviors.

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The Tinder Experiment

My brother was the one who showed me this video and it was SO interesting. The video is pretty self explanatory so I won’t explain it in detail. However, I will say that it definitely sheds light on some of the challenges of online dating. I think that it’s very telling of the significance we place on attractiveness and appearances. I love the dry humor of the host of the video and the way that they approached the experiment. That being said, I wonder if results would be different if the experiment targeted one specific college campus.

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Homie-hood

Recently, I’ve come across a relationship situation that doesn’t quit fit the “just friends” category that we like to put platonic male and female relationships into. It’s not the friend zone where there’s a decided lack of interest on one side. It’s more complicated that that. I like to call it being in the homie-hood. In this case, you are not thousands of miles away from a romantic relationship, you’re actually in the neighborhood. However there’s is a deliberate sense of ambivalence being in a homie-hood. There has never been an understanding as to where the relationship stands so both people have the liberty of drawing their own conclusions around the interactions that happen between the two of them. They don’t take the time to have a conversation about the status of the relationship. There’s an unspoken rule that at the very least, both people are cool with each other. At this point neither will admit that they are playing the song and dance of a relationship without any of the commitment or labels that might come from a more deliberate decision to pursue a romantic relationship. There are no rules and all the lines are blurred. While this leaves a lot of room for misunderstandings, both people decide that it’s not worth rocking the boat over it. While you know when you’ve been friendzoned, the homie-hood sort of just happens. There’s no warning and no definite communication. It’s a sea of grey; which means that all things are open for personal interpretation because neither party will clarify. It may seem better than the friendzone but in reality it’s a place uncertainty because there’s a lack of communication and an understanding that there is an “understanding.” This is in spite of the fact that neither party has actually defined anything or discussed expectations. It’s a friendship that has the potential for something more but floats along in the sea of possibilities without dropping an anchor.