The quality of self-control is often disregarded nowadays. People offer numerous excuses for their actions and blame the circumstances on choices that they themselves have made. “I couldn’t help myself” or “I just could not say no” are two of the excuses and the reasons why many people miss out on opportunities for success. Self control and discipline can be similar but they are very different. You can exercise self-control without being a disciplined person. One example of this is the choice to not assault someone who says something rude to you even though in your head you imagine your fist connecting with their face. We all know people who have been sucked into the drama of their friends. This can manifest in many different ways and many times a plan of action is required in order to entangle oneself from the messy web. For some, that person is their weakness or their drug. They can have their whole lives together but that one chink in their armor sets them up for pain because they just can’t say no. They can’t ignore the phone call, text, or facebook message. The interesting thing is that the person did not always have the amount of power over them. At some point you gave them the ability to suck you in. Many times this happens in romantic relationships that have gone bad but emotions are still heavily involved. Sometimes it becomes necessary to put yourself on a no-contact order with this person. This order is self-mandated as opposed to the legal ramifications of a restraining order. It requires a firm choice and enough self control to follow through even on days that are rough. You are making the choice to go “cold turkey” in order to break some relational bonds that are no longer benefitting you in any way. This means that you might experience some sort of emotional withdrawals because you’re breaking a habit that has become almost second nature. You have to be honest with yourself and also realistic in making this a life decision and not a “for right now” choice. The thing about a self-imposed no contact order is that it doesn’t work unless you actually stick to it. You can’t afford to have a weak day and sometimes this even requires an accountability partner of sorts because you have to break the habit. A few years back I had a friend who I talked to every night for a MINIMUM of two hours that sometimes went to 7 hours. This nightly practice continued for about 5 or 6 months. When the friendship suddenly disintegrated one day, it took me almost 7 months to get back on a regular sleep schedule because this person had occupied such a prominent place in my life and suddenly they didn’t. No contact orders also work when you need to take a break and evaluate a friendship or relationship. You aren’t required to explain to the other person that you won’t be taking their calls, responding to texts, or talking to them for a certain period of time. You can let your actions speak for you. How the other person handles you taking time away from them will be very telling of their maturity level and the true nature of the relationship. No contact orders can also be good when you start to question your investment of time and energy in a relationship that does not appear to be reciprocated. When you’re always the one making the effort and giving, a no contact order can give you some clarity on your expectations and what needs to change in order for the relationship to be successful.
Category Archives: Advice
Making your own opportunity
One realization that I’ve come to recently is the fact that while we can sometimes make opportunities. There are some which are presented to us because we’ve done the necessary work behind the scenes. So many times people prepare to be reactive instead of proactive. Opportunities come and go. However, many times they come as the result of some type of preparation. Sometimes you have to work toward a possible opportunity with the full knowledge that you might not actually get the opportunity. You have to accept the risk that the opportunity may not be everything that you expected it to be. Strategizing, preparing, and working towards a chance at the opportunity can be tasks that may appear pointless. But it’s important to remember that sometimes opportunities come in proportion to the amount of preparation that happened beforehand. Many times I have to take a step back and remind myself that I’m in it for the long run. Similar to the way that people make long term investments, I think of this process as a test of endurance. Regardless of the outcome. There are many times where after investment, people discover that they are actually losing money in stocks or whatever they’ve invested in. However, instead of throwing in the towel, they remember that a loss is not necessarily permanent. Waiting something out, riding it through is sometimes necessary because a short term set back does not mean that the investment is bad or won’t give a good return. The opportunity may or may not come but it’s the process that creates an environment for growth. The planning, the strategy, the thought. You don’t want to miss the chance at an opportunity because you refused to get ready for it.
10 Things I learned traveling this week
1. When you’re traveling and going ahead in time zones, it’s easier taking an overnight flight because your body is less likely to betray due to jet lag
2. Change your money to the local currency either at a bank or somewhere in the U.S. if possible where they won’t charge you an arm and leg. Airports are the WORST places to do this because fees are substantial.
3. It’s always nice to have a least a basic knowledge of the language. Words and phrases like “hello, goodbye, how are you, do you speak English?” in the native language can be very helpful to know.
4. A lot of people who work in a service profession can help you out since they’re more likely to speak English.
5. In France and Spain they drive on the right side of the road. And pedestrians don’t have right of way. This means that if you walk on the red in a crosswalk it’s at your own risk. I saw way too many near deaths where the car didn’t stop but the person figured it out just a second before hty got hit.
6. Pick a good hotel. It doesn’t have to be 5 stars but you want to feel safe and comfortable. Check the ratings before you book and make sure that the doors have deadbolts. You’ll sleep better
7. Be very wary of the directions people give you. Keep a map at all times and learn how to use it. Effectively.
8. Tourist places are great but sometimes it’s nice to see how the real people live. Plus, the food is usually cheaper in non-tourist sections of town.
9. Keep some form of ID with you at all times. Some people carry around a copy of their passport. It’s just good to do.
10. Give yourself some time to adjust when you get back. Jet lag is bad. Really bad.
A hard reality
So lately it seems as if everyone around me is getting married, engaged, having a child, or accomplishing something. Me? I just do the work and school thing. I’m at a time in my life where the cliche phases no longer make any sense. I’m tired of being asked if I’ve been “found” yet, how I can be such an awesome person and not have a significant other. And my personal favorite “your time will come”. All of these phrases and questions do not serve any real purpose. While I can respect the fact that these sentiments come from a good place, they just don’t make sense. Granted, looking back I probably should have tried harder to get wifed up in college but the fact that I was paying for it (all of it) really made me more focused on graduating on time and getting good grades. Plus the homeschooled social skills weren’t the greatest. I say all this to say that I now know what not to say to younger people. However, I’m also not going to plan my life around an ideal or a plan that may never be my reality. I’m all for optimism but you have to have a plan B. It doesn’t work otherwise. As much as a significant change in my relationship status could positively affect my quality of life, I can also recognize the importance on not basing my happiness on the presence of someone else in my life. Not an easy pill to swallow. But it’s better in the long run.
Staying Busy
I saw this picture posted on Instagram and I thought that it was an excellent concept. It’s so easy to keep track of the mistakes of other people instead of working to address your own. This is especially true if you’re surrounded by incompetent and inattentive people. I try to remember that most people are doing the best that they can and don’t know any better. In my experience, it helps to stay busy because the more productive I am, the less time I use thinking about what someone else is doing because my focus is no longer on them. I think that if you start doing what needs to be done to improve your life, you also won’t spend as much time comparing yourself with other people in order to feel better. We’ve all done that in some way. Focus on what needs to be done in your life and you’ll have less time to focus on what other people need to do.
Looking hard enough
One thing that I hear from time to time is that good men don’t exist anymore. Hearing this assertion both irritates and annoys me because it’s usually said by someone who is bitter and still scarred from a previous experience. And while I get that this opinion usually comes from some sort of frustration, I don’t think that it makes a lot of sense. Logically, if you say that there are no good men left, you have to actually know what a good man IS. This definition of a good man should not be generated from a romance novel or some tear-jerking chick flick movie because it’s unrealistic. I think that a lot of women are caught up in this Hollywood/romantic novel ideal of a knight in shining armor that has no flaws, a six pack, and a very comfortable six figure job. I’ve never had any problem locating decent guys and that’s actually an accomplishment considering the fact that I live in the middle of NOWHERE. They are rare, but they exist. You just have to know where to look and also WHAT you’re looking for. But you have to keep in mind that a lot of times a good man may not always be the best looking, most outgoing, or the most attractive. However, that doesn’t negate the fact that he actually exists. It just may not be in the packaging that you want.
The eyelids of love
There are so many definitions of love floating around. We’ve all heard of the term “falling in love” and I think that many times people get caught up in the hype that love is a feeling 100% of the time. I won’t deny that those fluttery butterflies in your stomach aren’t cute, but that’s not the most long term aspect of love. Many times people say that they can’t help that they fell in love with someone. While I’m not discounting their experience, I think that it’s indeed possible to pick someone to fall in love with. Doing so requires self awareness and self control. I’ve noticed people who turn a blind eye to huge hints about a side of their significant other’s character that isn’t pleasant. All in the name of love. They loudly proclaim that they can forgive any faults because they “love” this specific individual. The eyelids of love are closed. They’re “blind” and not thinking clearly because emotions have won the battle between reality and how they feel. I’m pretty big on planning and I like to know what I’m getting into before I actually commit to it. I believe that love should be the same way. Just like the human eye blinks as a way to moisturize and get impurities out, I think that loving someone involves seeing past certain character flaws (eyelids closed) while acknowledging the role that these flaws will play in the relationship (eyes open). I’m not talking about having standards that are so high that nobody will ever measure up. I’m referring to being able to look at both pros and cons with a balanced outlook that isn’t tainted by something as temporary as feelings. Let’s face it. Feelings change. That’s why you should know what you’re getting before you decide it’s what you’ve waited all your life for. Keep both eyes open but remember to blink.
The real you
These words are so true in my opinion. As soon as I saw the picture I knew that I had to write on it. First off, I’m not a very patient person. I don’t usually have a problem waiting, but I do have a problem patiently waiting. One of the hardest situations for me is being in a situation where I can’t occupy myself with something else while I’m waiting. I recently got called for jury duty and I had an extremely hard time sitting in a room with nothing to do for a few hours with a several hundred people waiting for my number to be called. But I digress. The point of the picture as it pertains to patience is that patience is extremely hard to come by when you are waiting for everything. There are numerous rags to riches stories of people who went to poverty and still were patient and believed that their circumstances would not be forever. The second part of the picture talks about attitude. I think that we’ve all known someone or even been in a position ourselves where we’ve gotten a raise, promotion or some sort of upgrade in life and our attitude changes. Your thinking won’t change just because the amount of material possessions that you own did. I think that having “everything” is a magnifying glass on your true attitude. It’s interesting how our circumstances can be so revealing of who we really are as people. They can shape our perspective and make us more trusting or more suspicious of others. They can not only change us, but also show others our true colors and motives.
Who’s your hero?
I think that everyone at some point in their childhood desired or wanted to be like someone else. Whether it was a character from a TV show, or even a person that had admirable qualities. I think that you can tell a lot about a person by who they name as their hero. I think that we pick heroes based on our own perception of our deficiencies. We pick role models based on the fact that we see something in them that we want to emulate in our own lives. I don’t remember having a lot of heroes growing up. While I admire and respected certain people for their accomplishments, I can’t honesty say that I remember declaring that so and so was my hero (or shero). I know people who have the opportunity to be mentored by other people who they consider their heroes. While I love the idea of having a mentor, role model, and hero all rolled into one person, I wonder how realistic it is to expect to encounter that. In my work with kids in the therapy room, I’ve noticed that the term “hero” can have many different meanings. I think that our heroes change as we grow older and develop our own unique perspectives. Take a minute this week to think about who your hero is and what qualities that they had (or have) that you are still working towards then jot down some ideas of what you can do or focus on to practice some of these qualities.
The truth about transitions
One thing that has really popped up for me in the past few days is the importance of transitions in our lives. Life is full of changes and it often seems as if there isn’t any stability. Transitions occur at so many stages of our lives. They are both planned and unplanned. While we can’t always plan for the transitions, the bigger question is how we respond to them and who do we surround ourselves with while we’re going through. It’s important to know that every transition in our lives comes with the opportunity to learn and grow–regardless of the fact that the circumstances may be less than ideal. There is no such thing as a transition free life because there’s no such thing as problem free life. Transitions happen. And often opportunities for growth are often disguised in the unpleasant or uncomfortable.
Alisha's Angle 