I don’t know if I can call myself an Ariana Grande fan but I must say that every single song of hers that I’ve listened to I’ve liked. This one is one of my favorites. Along with a really catchy melody, it’s easy to harmonize to this song as she sings about her commitment to a relationship. Realistically, people change, but I can appreciate her sentimental “best case scenario” promises. Relationship songs that use the words “always” and “never” always pique my interest because I feel like many times relationships have a lot of gray areas. Regardless, I like the song. It’s so optimistic and promising.
Monthly Archives: October 2014
Protected heart
It’s interesting how many things we do in life to prepare for the unexpected. We buy house insurance, car insurance, wear our seat belts, and sign pre-nups “just in case.” The interesting thing is that this can also happen with our hearts. Sometimes we give ourselves the task of protecting our own hearts from getting broken because we want to avoid pain. It’s like we wrap our hearts in the bubble wrap of our lack of trust and suspicions along with a good measure of IDGAF before presenting it to someone who could possibly break it. The whole idea is that in the event of the relationship going south, we have an insulation and protective system in place to minimize the damage. All this can be a good thing but we miss out on the chance at real love because we’re too busy planning for “what if.” What if we could be a bit more picky about who our heart goes to instead of just giving it to anyone. Maybe then we’d be less likely to be so protective and potentially miss out on something good.
What’s success?
So many times we think of success as something to be attained instead of something that requires constant movement and action with the anticipated result changing as we go forward. As I get closer to turning a year older, I can help but think about how my definition of success has changed from when I was younger. There are still so many things that I want to do and avenues that I haven’t explored. To me, being successful is having the freedom to do what you want when you want without the confinement of a tradition 9-5 job. The ability to turn down opportunities because you don’t need the money and to travel all over just because you want to. That’s what I want. However it’s important to remember that success requires consistent effort towards sometime specific. You really can’t be halfway successful. You have to be willing to put in the time daily and be disciplined enough to not require constant external motivation.
The List
Like most unmarried young adults in my age bracket, I have a list of the things that I want in a significant other. Over the years this list has evolved from a paragraph to four pages single spaced in Times New Roman font. The list has been influenced by many things including past experiences, the observation of relationships and marriages, and the couples I’ve seen in therapy. It’s updated each year and undergoes a makeover with new details and ideas of what would be best. The thing about growing older is that it’s easier to become more set in your ways. As a result of this, the list of things you don’t want to put up with becomes longer and longer. There’s less room for flexibility because you feel like you’re on a countdown and you don’t want to have to try it multiple times to get it right. There’s less patience and a more purposeful intent. So the list sits there. Collecting dust on the hard drive of my computer. The funny thing is that while I rarely take the time to refer back to it, I still know and remember what it contains. The challenge with making such a list is that you have to leave room for reality. No one is going to be perfect and that’s something that I’ve always taken into consideration. Rules that were absolutes have not become preferences instead of deal breakers. Of course there’s the basics; love, respect, won’t beat me black and blue, and can be assertive. But then there are other things that would just make life easier in the long run. Everyone doesn’t come from a traditional two parent home and while that might make life a bit easier, it’s not something that I expect. The great thing about the list is that it lets you make decisions about people pretty easily. You can cut out a lot of unnecessary drama and save yourself heartbreak and time because you cut them off at the beginning because they didn’t meet criteria. One double edged sword in my case is that I’ve met my list. An individual who embodies all four pages single spaced of expectations, criteria, and preferences. Which, by the way, is not an easy feat. While I would never go as far to say that this person is the embodiment of perfection, I will say that they have some core character traits that align perfectly with the list. It’s been one thing to meet the list and another thing to interact with the list and have conversations. Does The List know that they are the list? No. And the jury is still out on whether or not they’ll ever get that information. However, maybe that’s the nature of the list. The fear of messing up a perfect fantasy with an imperfect reality that results in the admiration from a distance without action.
Instinct
Back in May of this year I took a weekend trip to Dallas and was introduced to this book by some friends. I’ve always been wary of self help books, but this one was different. Lately I’ve been running into a lot of people who just seem stuck. They work, go home and repeat for years without really doing anything different. They always talk about places they want to travel to but they know they’ll never go. Their lives consist of the mundane without any plans to change their routine. I am deathly afraid of becoming one of those people. This book was honestly one of the top three books I read this year. It focuses specifically on becoming the best you that you can be by making use of your unique talents and gifts. Jakes uses great examples and simple language to encourage the reader to take inventory of his or her passions and then use them to make a difference in the world. The biggest challenge in doing this is that it requires you to get out of your comfort zone and leave the familiar. You’re exchanging security for freedom. But the end result to doing this is fulfillment and the opportunity to actually leave a legacy that you’re proud of.
Building and Thought Distortions
I’ve always been a fan of strategic procrastination but also getting things done in time and meeting deadlines. Recently I’ve been putting off some things that need to be done within the next six week or they will derail my educational goals. While I have been in school for the past few years, I can honestly say that it’s more of a necessary evil than anything else because I want the credentials for my chosen career field. So one of the reasons why I’m still procrastinating with getting some of this work done is because of thought distortions. That’s one great thing about being a therapist. I know when my thought patterns aren’t logical–but I digress. I’ve always been someone who lives in black or white. While I am fine functioning in the grey for clients or for professional reasons, it’s different on a personal level. So the thought (which is NOT logical by the way) is that by completing what I have to do I’ll also be shutting the door or saying goodbye forever to another dream of mine that may not end up being compatible with my current choices. As I start the process of overcoming the procrastination and finishing some of these tasks, I have the mental picture of making a coffin. Cutting and sanding the sides and making some intricate designs on the sides. This coffin will be used to bury a specific dream that will be gone away forever never to return. But I know that’s a thought distortion and that it’s not really true. It can be so easy to get caught up in those distortions and not take the time to actually challenge them and i am no exception to that. However, the truth of the matter is that I’m just going to have to push through it and get the work done. And I will. Because of all the things I play around with, my life isn’t one of them.
Love you long time
I’m definitely a huge music fan and I ran across this gem of a song about a month ago on Amazon Prime music (great app by the way). I absolutely love the versatility of Jazmine’s voice and the fact that her songs actually have a coherent message. This song could have easily been a slow ballad that would have been a great first dance song at a wedding. However, the music says something completely different. It’s happy and celebratory while still preserving the weight of the lyrics. You can’t help but bob your head to the beat of the song. Which by the way has some reggae and pop influences. This song has literally been on repeat for about a month on my playlist and I like the message. Jazmine is singing about someone she loves and who she doesn’t want to lose. It’s definitely the “I’m in a relationship and I’m happy” song. Jazmine is one of the handful of artists that I consider to be “melodically articulate” (a phrase borrowed from Pharrell). Her voice is absolutely amazing and she has a signature style that can’t be duplicated by others.
Appropriate Parent
I am someone who rarely goes to movies but I just saw the Equalizer and thought about how hard it is to see anything without thinking of the mental health repercussions. Granted, it was a good movie for being a thriller and the story line was a bit unsurprising but I did enjoy it. Without going into details about the movie I will say that Denzel Washington is an amazing actor that does not look like he is almost 60. The movie was rated “R” for a variety of reasons that included profanity and violence. Not my cup of tea. One of the surprising things was the amount of parents that took their small kids to see the movie. I will never understand how it’s justified to bring a small child to a movie with violence and adult themes. This perspective comes directly from working with kids who have acting out behaviors. Many times these kids have not had supervision or they’ve been exposed to things that have not been age appropriate. As much as I believe In the importance of age appropriate material for kids, it’s obvious that others don’t share that perspective. I just wish that some parents had the maturity and presence of mind to realize that their choices on what’s appropriate for their children can lead to a lot of heartbreak in life if they decide to imitate what they’ve seen.
Reflections
Lately I’ve been doing some self reflection as I often advise others to do. As someone who enjoys the study of psychology, I recently found myself revisiting personality tests that I did in college for an assignment. So according to the test I have a Choleric/Melancholy personality. While both of these types have some good qualities, the bad ones were really bad. “Unemotional, “overbearing,” “rigid,” and “stubborn” were among some of the terms used. I immediately did some self inventory and realized that I definitely had some of those personality traits. I partly blame it on being an oldest child and a parentified child at that. I’ve always said that one of the good things about being a therapist is that sometimes you can use your own tricks on yourself. As a result, I’m constantly assessing myself in some fashion. However, it’s easy to self sabotage when you are constantly nit-picking your life. Nothing is good enough. You’re never satisfied and your standards are impossible. This mindset leaves little time to celebrate small and almost meaningless accomplishments. That’s my self reflection.
Marriage and Money
The topic of this article is somewhat near and dear to my heart. To the extent that I was seriously considering doing my dissertation on something related to it, but decided not to because I already have some strong opinions that would most likely prove me to be biased. The article raises some valid points as it relates to rates of marriage. Among the people I know, many are working to become financially secure before they get married. In contrast, many people from my parent’s generation got married young and struggled. One positive thing about that path is that if you’ve already made it through hell when your marriage is young, you’ll probably be less likely to leave the partner who stood by you during that dark period. However, while there’s nothing wrong about being in love and being poor, it’s not the easiest of lives to lead. Add children to the already financially stressed couple and you have a recipe for a super stressed relationship that could easily lead to divorce if the couple has not developed some good communication skills and a genuine friendship with each other. One of the premises of this article is that marriage can lead to wealth but the rates of marriages are declining. People are waiting longer to get married. I know of a couple who became wealthy simply because they only lived off the salary of one of the partners and then invested the salary of the other partner. Decisions like that are impossible when you’re living on a single income. People want to know that they have some sort of a buffer in marriage and aren’t coming into it with nothing. For some people, marriage is the best financial decision that they’ve ever made. I wonder what the lasting effects of people getting married at later ages will be on wealth accumulation as a whole?
Alisha's Angle 