One big part of my experience as a social worker who worked with patients in hospice care was provide emotional support to the families as they went through one of the toughest times in their lives. There are literally no words to describe the feeling of going into someone’s room who is surrounded by their family and knowing that they are mere hours or minutes away from death. I say all this to say that many times family and loved ones start to go through some or all of the stages of grief when the person is still alive. This is generally referred to as anticipatory grief. One thing that I’ve seen as a therapist is how people start to demonstrate some of the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) when the relationship is about to die or appears to be on life support. However, one thing that has been interesting to me has been the people who are going through the stages of grief over a relationship that does not exist. This is what I mean. Let’s say someone is attracted to someone else but they have not taken the time or the initiative to show their interest to the one they find attractive. This person, having no idea that they are being admired from afar pursues other relationships to the horror of the one who likes them from a distance. The person admiring from a distance can go through the stages of grief because of the rejection that they feel and also at the many thoughts of having this individual and then losing them. But yet, the relationship never existed except in the mind of this individual. It’s funny how our minds can be creative and innovative but can also imprison us. Sometimes we have to get out of our own heads and stop inflicting the emotional wounds on ourselves because of distorted thoughts. Definitely easier said than done, but possible with self awareness and new thought habits.
Monthly Archives: September 2014
Technological Laughs
With the coming of the Iphone 6 and also the Apple watch, I came across a satirical article that made me laugh slightly. The article focused on the Apple watch and some of it’s features. However these features were incredibly hilarious and they included starting and stopping the flow of time, discreet but not so discreet that other’s can’t see you’re wearing an expensive watch, and making it easier for muggers to tell if your watch is expensive. As someone who likes technology, it’s always interesting to me how easy it is to get very attached to our devices. A few years ago my cell phone was stolen. It was somewhat of a traumatic experience because I quickly found that I was more attached to the phone than I had originally thought. One thing that was especially sad for me was the fact that I had a 32gb memory card inside the phone that was not backed up. As a result, I lost over a thousand songs and pictures I had accumulated over the past four years. Sad day. However it was a reminder that while technology has made our lives easier, there’s still nothing like the human connection and face to face personal contact instead of text messages or emails.
Affordable Assumptions
It’s been said that the human brain remembers everything that has ever happened. While many times we may not consciously remember certain events, our brain can remember on a subconscious level. One thing that has always interested me is how certain things such as songs or smells can immediately made us think about an experience whether good or bad that we have associated with said song or smell. While this can bring back happy memories, for some it’s the start of a flashback of a traumatic event. In a similar way to how smells or songs bring back memories and transport our minds back to certain events, people can be a similar trigger. There are certain people who we are familiar with who we see again after a long period of time and instantly we remember our last interaction with them. The feelings and emotions surrounding that interaction also comes to the forefront of our mind–all from seeing the person or even seeing a picture of them. This experience can also affect our actions to those around us because we become caught up in our own memories to the point that it informs our present behavior. If it’s a pleasant memory, we may find ourselves responding more positively or genuinely to others who have had some part to play in the experience of the past. Many times, this can happen without a conscious thought because our brain hasn’t forgotten these moments. It’s in these moments where we sometimes create assumptions about someone that may or may not be true. These assumptions are rooted in our previous experiences with them even though it may have been years since we’ve seen them face to face. It’s my opinion that these assumptions can sometimes prove detrimental because we are operating off of previous memories, feelings, and emotions. One example of this is someone who takes back their ex-significant other because they remember all the good times they had and their selective memory blocks out the behaviors that made them leave him or her in the first place. The truth of the matter is that we can’t always afford to make these assumptions. While it’s indeed nice to associate a pleasant memory with a person we have to take into account that people change and also realize that we might have changed as well. Sometimes assumptions aren’t affordable because they leave us too exposed vulnerable to people who may not be exactly who we remember them to be. It’s a tough lesson to learn because it can be extremely hard to challenge the good memories you’ve had with someone with the new reality of who they are.
Stepping Away
I sometimes conceptualize relationships as a living breathing organism that needs attention and care. In the beginning of a relationship, you have to start somewhat carefully and nurture it. You have to spend time with the other person and while some relationships may be easy, a strong one requires you to be deliberate. It doesn’t happen overnight. You solve misunderstandings and constantly assess what’s needed in order to make it stronger. You invest copious amounts of time and energy in the hope that it will be reciprocated and that you will get the results you desire. Sometimes this involves fighting for the relationship and defending it. Prioritizing it when it’s not always convenient and making amends when there is a conflict. This means that a relationship can be like an actual project. Recently I’ve been evaluating my friendships and relationships with others. I’ve realized that there are times that you have to literally step away from a friendship or relationship for a variety of reasons. Sometimes the reason is that after you’ve put in time, invested energy and resources and nurtured it, you have to see if it can survive on its own. This sometimes happens with distance. But it can also be a deliberate choice to test the strength of the relationship to see if it can last without being nurtured all the time. The truth is that sometimes the only way to know if you’ve done good work is to step away and see if it can stand alone without assistance. Many times this process isn’t easy but in the end it’s worth it because you know where you stand and you can decide if the relationship is actually worth your continued time and energy.
MSW/ MBA
This article was super interesting to me. As someone who has an MSW and also knows a lot of people who have MBA’s it struck me as odd that we are just now connecting these two degrees. Personally, I think that the intersection of social work and business would produce more well rounded professionals with better people skills and a better understanding of personality theories. I’ve read other articles that have stated that getting an MBA is becoming so popular that it’s weight has often been disregarded. The truth of the matter is that many business people could use social work skills just like social workers could use more business skills. From my perspective, I think that learning how to start and run a non-profit and having the necessary tools to help it to succeed would be a good thing for social workers. Being in a profession that is thankless and where you rarely actually make the salary that you’re worth, an additional degree could give the needed edge to reach a higher socioeconomic status. As someone who appreciates education that is practical and gives one the skills necessary to succeed in their chosen field, I think that the MSW-MBA degree will become quite popular because it’s the best of both worlds. The combination of the skills sets in these disciplines will be something that will be highly coveted in coming years.
Discipline
We all have dealt with discipline at some point in our lives. Whether it was an authority figure establishing boundaries or finishing a an assignment that was due the next day, discipline was involved. When children are born we task the parents with providing the discipline needed in order to ensure that they are well-behaved. We expect parents to enforce boundaries so we aren’t inconvenienced by the child throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. As we grow older it is expected that we live with a level of discipline that fits within societal norms. We get up everyday and go to school or work like clockwork. We systematically save in order to put a decent down payment on a house so that we can get a lower rate. This is pretty standard discipline. However, there’s the daily discipline that goes beyond daily norms. It’s the kind of discipline that many people never bother to attain because it requires a certain mindset where your wants take a backseat to your larger goals. This means that sometimes you have to do what’s best for you despite the fact that it goes against what you want. You have to tell yourself “it’s for your own good” and make hard decisions instead of those that are emotionally based. You make hard choices about relationships that are going nowhere. You leave the familiar in order to make room for something else. You recognize opportunities and take them. You don’t let distractions take you away from what you know needs to happen and what you ned to make happen. This is the mark of a mature adult. The ability to plan long term and consistently work toward something with a single minded purpose instead of settling for short term items and smaller wants means that you’ve grown to be more disciplined. That’s a good thing.
Stuck with him
One thing that I’ve admired is women who voluntarily become totally 100% financially dependent on their husbands in the early stages of marriage. Something about that makes me shiver inside. While it could be an expression of true love to go into a marriage without any resources of your own, it’s a scary thing. They say that the area of conflict in most marriages is money. It would seem to me that there would be added stress in that department when one person is making all the money ALL the time. I’ve met women who want with all their hearts to leave their husbands but they can’t because they don’t have any way to support themselves. While there may be housing options available, many do not want that experience. They don’t have the resources needed to sustain a decent quality of life, and many times it’s vastly different than the one that they had with their husband. While some may argue that keeping finances separate and having your own money goes against the “togetherness” concept of marriage, I think it needed in quite a few circumstances. You aren’t planning for failure but you are leaving room for the humanity of both people. Relationships and marriages fail all the time. And while we all want to believe ours is the exception, wouldn’t it be smart to have a backup plan just in case it isn’t? Dropping several socioeconomic classes because you had to leave despite not having adequate resources is a hard experience to have. But it can be avoidable. Not in all situations, but in some.
Water thoughts
I’ve wrote quite a few times about how much I like to travel. One thing that I enjoy as a part of my travels is going to the beach or a body of water. I remember once driving with a friend who explained that how they liked bodies of water as well. Sitting on a beach can be one of the most relaxing experiences. There’s something comforting about a nice sea breeze, sunshine, and a good book. Lakes and rivers are a close second to the ocean. It’s all about having an environment of peace. The getting away from it all. The escaping the monotony of daily life and enjoying the simple things like a large body of water away from what you may be used to. Cultivating a habit of enjoying the simple things in life is rewarding because it reminds you to smell the roses. Sitting by a body of water can make you contemplate your life in detail in an environment that is positive. It’s pretty hard NOT to relax when you’re there. At least for a few moments.
Sorry
I was having a conversation with someone this weekend and we were discussing how the musicality and quality of Brian’s music is often overlooked. It’s rare to have artists who can not only write great music but also perform songs in a way that draws out emotions. All that being said, I think that this has to be one of the best “I’m Sorry” songs EVER written. Even the melody seems apologetic. The words are heartfelt and convey a sense of responsibility along with the request to make things right. While this song is not one of the most popular of Brian’s songs, it definitely deserves to be. Enough people mess up in relationships to use this song 100 times over. I wonder how many relationships have been positively impacted by this song?
To care or not to care
I don’t know why but I really like this picture. While it seems a bit harsh, I think that there’s a practical application that can be taken away. I’ve seen people post the smallest details of their lives in various forms of social media. These actions have had my questioning how many people actually care about that stuff. While the message in the picture can be interpreted in several ways, it was a reminder to me that many times it’s pointless to look for constant validation for things that should already be occurring. You should not expect kudos for being independent and paying bills on time. Those actions are signs of mature adults. The problem is when people start to crave the approval and then become depressed when they don’t get it. Sometimes you have to work harder without expecting others around to understand or care. While that may sound harsh, basing your life and your goals on the approval of others in the hope that they’ll eventually care isn’t smart.
Alisha's Angle 