I sometimes conceptualize relationships as a living breathing organism that needs attention and care. In the beginning of a relationship, you have to start somewhat carefully and nurture it. You have to spend time with the other person and while some relationships may be easy, a strong one requires you to be deliberate. It doesn’t happen overnight. You solve misunderstandings and constantly assess what’s needed in order to make it stronger. You invest copious amounts of time and energy in the hope that it will be reciprocated and that you will get the results you desire. Sometimes this involves fighting for the relationship and defending it. Prioritizing it when it’s not always convenient and making amends when there is a conflict. This means that a relationship can be like an actual project. Recently I’ve been evaluating my friendships and relationships with others. I’ve realized that there are times that you have to literally step away from a friendship or relationship for a variety of reasons. Sometimes the reason is that after you’ve put in time, invested energy and resources and nurtured it, you have to see if it can survive on its own. This sometimes happens with distance. But it can also be a deliberate choice to test the strength of the relationship to see if it can last without being nurtured all the time. The truth is that sometimes the only way to know if you’ve done good work is to step away and see if it can stand alone without assistance. Many times this process isn’t easy but in the end it’s worth it because you know where you stand and you can decide if the relationship is actually worth your continued time and energy.
Tag Archives: thoughts
MSW/ MBA
This article was super interesting to me. As someone who has an MSW and also knows a lot of people who have MBA’s it struck me as odd that we are just now connecting these two degrees. Personally, I think that the intersection of social work and business would produce more well rounded professionals with better people skills and a better understanding of personality theories. I’ve read other articles that have stated that getting an MBA is becoming so popular that it’s weight has often been disregarded. The truth of the matter is that many business people could use social work skills just like social workers could use more business skills. From my perspective, I think that learning how to start and run a non-profit and having the necessary tools to help it to succeed would be a good thing for social workers. Being in a profession that is thankless and where you rarely actually make the salary that you’re worth, an additional degree could give the needed edge to reach a higher socioeconomic status. As someone who appreciates education that is practical and gives one the skills necessary to succeed in their chosen field, I think that the MSW-MBA degree will become quite popular because it’s the best of both worlds. The combination of the skills sets in these disciplines will be something that will be highly coveted in coming years.
Discipline
We all have dealt with discipline at some point in our lives. Whether it was an authority figure establishing boundaries or finishing a an assignment that was due the next day, discipline was involved. When children are born we task the parents with providing the discipline needed in order to ensure that they are well-behaved. We expect parents to enforce boundaries so we aren’t inconvenienced by the child throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. As we grow older it is expected that we live with a level of discipline that fits within societal norms. We get up everyday and go to school or work like clockwork. We systematically save in order to put a decent down payment on a house so that we can get a lower rate. This is pretty standard discipline. However, there’s the daily discipline that goes beyond daily norms. It’s the kind of discipline that many people never bother to attain because it requires a certain mindset where your wants take a backseat to your larger goals. This means that sometimes you have to do what’s best for you despite the fact that it goes against what you want. You have to tell yourself “it’s for your own good” and make hard decisions instead of those that are emotionally based. You make hard choices about relationships that are going nowhere. You leave the familiar in order to make room for something else. You recognize opportunities and take them. You don’t let distractions take you away from what you know needs to happen and what you ned to make happen. This is the mark of a mature adult. The ability to plan long term and consistently work toward something with a single minded purpose instead of settling for short term items and smaller wants means that you’ve grown to be more disciplined. That’s a good thing.
Stuck with him
One thing that I’ve admired is women who voluntarily become totally 100% financially dependent on their husbands in the early stages of marriage. Something about that makes me shiver inside. While it could be an expression of true love to go into a marriage without any resources of your own, it’s a scary thing. They say that the area of conflict in most marriages is money. It would seem to me that there would be added stress in that department when one person is making all the money ALL the time. I’ve met women who want with all their hearts to leave their husbands but they can’t because they don’t have any way to support themselves. While there may be housing options available, many do not want that experience. They don’t have the resources needed to sustain a decent quality of life, and many times it’s vastly different than the one that they had with their husband. While some may argue that keeping finances separate and having your own money goes against the “togetherness” concept of marriage, I think it needed in quite a few circumstances. You aren’t planning for failure but you are leaving room for the humanity of both people. Relationships and marriages fail all the time. And while we all want to believe ours is the exception, wouldn’t it be smart to have a backup plan just in case it isn’t? Dropping several socioeconomic classes because you had to leave despite not having adequate resources is a hard experience to have. But it can be avoidable. Not in all situations, but in some.
Water thoughts
I’ve wrote quite a few times about how much I like to travel. One thing that I enjoy as a part of my travels is going to the beach or a body of water. I remember once driving with a friend who explained that how they liked bodies of water as well. Sitting on a beach can be one of the most relaxing experiences. There’s something comforting about a nice sea breeze, sunshine, and a good book. Lakes and rivers are a close second to the ocean. It’s all about having an environment of peace. The getting away from it all. The escaping the monotony of daily life and enjoying the simple things like a large body of water away from what you may be used to. Cultivating a habit of enjoying the simple things in life is rewarding because it reminds you to smell the roses. Sitting by a body of water can make you contemplate your life in detail in an environment that is positive. It’s pretty hard NOT to relax when you’re there. At least for a few moments.
To care or not to care
I don’t know why but I really like this picture. While it seems a bit harsh, I think that there’s a practical application that can be taken away. I’ve seen people post the smallest details of their lives in various forms of social media. These actions have had my questioning how many people actually care about that stuff. While the message in the picture can be interpreted in several ways, it was a reminder to me that many times it’s pointless to look for constant validation for things that should already be occurring. You should not expect kudos for being independent and paying bills on time. Those actions are signs of mature adults. The problem is when people start to crave the approval and then become depressed when they don’t get it. Sometimes you have to work harder without expecting others around to understand or care. While that may sound harsh, basing your life and your goals on the approval of others in the hope that they’ll eventually care isn’t smart.
Living in the negative
Emotional needs are something that many people ignore. The five love languages can be ways that we have our emotional needs met. There’s a concept that Gary Chapman refers to as a love tank. The idea is that we function better when our emotional needs are bring met and our love tanks are full. Chapman asserts that one of the main problems in relationships is that couples don’t do the necessary things to ensure that their partner’s love tank is full. That being said, many people live in the negative in this context. This means that they exist by living off bare minimums emotionally. So their love tank is never full. Instead it’s just a little above empty and stays that way. The almost empty tank becomes their baseline because they’ve had to adjust multiple times. They are literally living in the negative because the amount of emotional needs being met is incongruent with the amount of emotional needs that exist. And this is one of the reasons people can be in relationships and friendships without ever shaking the alone feeling.
Socializing
Lately I’ve tried to make it a priority to be more social and have new experiences. So far this endeavor has been fairly successful. I’m someone who is pretty introverted at times. And while I wouldnt go as far to say that I’m anti social, I do enjoy being around people I know instead of making small talk with perfect strangers. There are a few situations that I’ve been in where I meet people and they are instantly my friends. These are rare occasions. Needless to say, I dread new social situations. And the word “dread” is a nice understatement. While I’m mature enough to recognize them as opportunities to grow, one hundred percent of the time I’d rather not be bothered. However, it is necessary to push beyond my feeling and just jump in feet first. I know many other people who feel the same way. Some push themselves and others just retreat further into their shell and never venture out. While I would much rather talk to a stadium of thousands than make small talk with a neighbor, I recognize the importance of making these connections. So the goal of new experiences and social situations remains but at least I’m making some kind of progress. At the end of the day, that’s what matters.
Upgrades
I absolutely abhor the first sentence in the picture. The second is more tolerable. The truth is that we live in a materialistic society and there’s little chance of that changing anytime soon. Maybe one of the reasons I hate that sentence is that it implies that you won’t care as much about the money if you have some of your own or you aren’t lazy. Money impresses more than just lazy people. And we all know people who work extremely hard but have absolutely nothing to show for it. People who want to accomplish things with their lives don’t want to be with someone who holds them back. Working hard isn’t all that’s necessary. There are other things that must be present. Love does not pay bills and having a man with money can not only be a bonus but also an upgrade. I’m against that as one’s only plan out of poverty but one of THE smartest financial decisions a woman can make is to get married. If you bring something substantial to the table, I feel like you shouldn’t feel bad that his net worth is also calculated with his marriage ability rating. If I’m merging my life with yours I want to come out with a better deal than I went in with. It doesn’t always have to be money but that will play a pretty sizable part. I agree that money doesn’t bring happiness but I personally would rather cry in my BMW than on my bike.
Being non-realistic
One of the most common pieces of relationship advice is to be what you’re seeking. If you want someone mature, be mature. If you want someone clean, be clean. The thing about this whole train of thought is that life isn’t always that simple. While this might work in certain contexts, it’s not an absolute rule. Opposites attract, people change, life happens. One of the things I knew that I couldn’t expect or require in a significant other when starting my doctorate was a similar education attainment as me. I’ve met so many people who’ve used their education as a crutch for their loneliness. This has been especially true of women. The fact of the matter is that complementarity is more important than mirroring. If it was that simple we would just clone ourselves. I don’t expect my future significant other to have a stupid amount of degrees. I’m not necessarily requiring even a bachelors. There are so many other factors that matter more. I’m more concerned about fathering skills, ability to provide, family dynamics, and genuineness than a piece of paper saying that some program of study was completed. Because at the end of the day, that’s not a challenge or an issue unless someone in the relationship makes it one. A significant other should make you want to be the best version of you as possible and sometimes that route includes education. Mutual respect and a teamwork mentality will go a long way. We get so caught up on the physical and what they do for a living that we forget about the daily characteristics and habits that make them who they are as people. The truth is that an educated man can beat you just as hard as an uneducated one. And while that example may be a bit out there, the point still stands. Stop trying to find a human mirror and look for someone whose dreams, goals, and ambitions mesh with yours. Values should be shared but you want a different perspective that complements your own. These impossible standards have to be re-evaluated.
Alisha's Angle 