Lately I’ve been watching a television show that portrayed a social experiment that was so intriguing. The show is called Married at First Sight and chronicles the experience of three couples who meet at the altar. The couples are put together by a group of relationship experts who match them based on comparability tests and personal interviews. While I admit the idea is out of the ordinary, I think there’s a lot of merit to it. The couples most likely would have never met if it had not been for these experts. As I was watching the show I asked myself if I could marry a perfect stranger in that type of situation and I would. It’s one thing to be set up by friends and family and another one to be set up by people who have studied human behavior and have years of experience and degrees in their respective fields. As someone who is familiar with many of the personality theories that guide studies on romantic interactions and the longevity of relationships, I would feel fairly comfortable marrying a perfect stranger in these circumstances. As I watched the show it was eye opening to observe how people requested certain traits and characteristics in their future mate but weren’t willing to compromise in order to complement those requested traits. An example of this was one of the women who talked and discussed with the experts at length on how much she wanted traditional gender roles and wanted a man who would do all the manly chores and be strong. Yet, she was appalled when she got what she wanted and found out that her dream man also expected her to cook for him. I’m a huge fan of social experiments and while matchmaking is a significant industry, it’s different when there’s a team working together to match compatible people.
Tag Archives: thoughts
Self Care
For the past few years I’ve been one to associate happiness with a geographical location. Namely foreign countries and the southern region of the United States. However, I think that that is also related to my occupation. From the moment that I say I’m a social worker the usual reaction is, “I could never do that, it’s such a hard job.” And I agree that it is. My undergraduate experience with social work was varied and included working with felons and patients on hospice. It was then when I had to work hands on with others when I discovered that people are a lot more complicated in real like than they are in textbooks. Thankfully, I had a very well rounded experience in college that gave a pretty accurate depiction of the field. I knew that I didn’t want the stereotypical job of a county caseworker and I wanted to focus more on the counseling side. Somehow I found my way to the mental health field and have stayed in some capacity ever since. The thing about mental health is that it is the opposite of predictable. It’s messy, it’s chaotic, it’s stressful and it’s real. But it’s also rewarding. However, it takes a lot out of you. I’ve heard stories that have been horrific and have talked to hundreds of individuals who are experiencing their own personal crisis. That’s why this field is so notorious for burn out and people who are so overwhelmed with their job responsibilities that they’ve given up completely. There are some days where I wish I could publish some of the stories I hear because truth is stranger than fiction. One of the best things about traveling is the physical distance between myself and the daily chaos I work in. It’s like a breath of fresh air and a chance to finally relax to some degree and not think about work related things. Self care at its finest.
What an Introvert Won’t Admit
I don’t typically post or write about introverts but this particular article was such a dead on representation of myself and other introverts I know, I had to comment/blog about it. You can read it here. Now, the list of things listed in the article makes so much sense to me. It also explains why I haven’t had a public birthday celebration in years. Now that doesn’t mean that I didn’t celebrate, it just means that I went on a trip instead. I remember trying to like everyone when I was younger and it didn’t really work out. I believe that all people deserve respect, kindness and fairness but I’m a firm believer that all people can’t be liked. I’ve worked with too many parents whose parenting choices I didn’t agree with. Or people so full of themselves that they refused to acknowledge the truth or anyone that spoke anything contrary to their own personal reality. The reality is that some people are hard to like. But back to the article. Getting stuff done is something that I have the ability to do. Granted, it doesn’t always happen because I’m easily bored but when push comes to shove I can focus and be productive. Of course it always helps when I’m facing an impending deadline. The article mentions small talk and I’m so glad that it does. Small talk has got to be one of the most annoying things created. I really don’t care for it and that’s why I put such an emphasis on building rapport and having conversations with actual depth with others. However, small talk is the way to more meaningful interactions and I’ll be buying a book in the near future and forcing myself to learn how to do it effectively despite my aversion to it. While I don’t know the exact split between introverts and their counterparts, I think that this article scarily accurate in describing what most introverts would never actually admit out loud. Interesting stuff.
Fifty Shades of……Interesting Part I
Not too long ago there was a pretty big discussion on social media related to the movie release of Fifty Shades of Gray. The book brought attention to a lifestyle that normally isn’t broadcasted in the mainstream. People were giving their opinions on how the storyline lends itself to glorifying unhealthy relationships and some in the faith community were questioning the piety of those who chose to go see it. I’m a curious person by nature and I never got caught up in the original discussion when the books were released but wanted to know what it was all about. I’m a fan of being informed before I form an opinion so I decided to do some research and read the books for myself. Within a few minutes of making the decision the books were downloaded on my phone for easy reading. Or so I thought. There are some books you read and they just seem to flow but I had to read the series in spurts because it was a really choppy read. Anyway, throughout the course of the book, the author draws so many conclusions to explain the behaviors that are pretty colorfully described. We have a young college student who is so enthralled at first sight with someone that almost loses her individuality in the process and spends a significant bit of time pacifying his insecurities. Sidenote: I’ve always questioned the intelligence of people who insist that you should only date one person in your lifetime and treat everyone else as your brother or sister until this “one” arrives. Ana has no point of reference in this department and ends up in a relationship she might not have chosen for herself if she had something to compare it to. But I digress. The relationship develops somewhat awkwardly but before we know it, Ana is already staying at his penthouse and declaring her jealousy of someone she has not met but already come to the conclusion that she doesn’t like. One of the assumptions is that Christian is controlling because of a relationship in his adolescence and his childhood. Ana initially balks at his expensive gifts but becomes used to them and “their” money as he tells her. To say that Christian is controlling is an understatement considering the fact that he buys a company in order to “keep her safe.” The lesson in this is that it’s one thing to be controlling but a person with money who is also very controlling isn’t always the best thing. It might work well in business but doesn’t create the healthiest relationship.
Hotel Chronicles
Ever since I can remember I’ve liked staying in hotels. There’s something oddly comforting about an environment that puts and emphasis on hospitality. Not too long ago there was a snowstorm in my city and as a democracy of one I made the executive decision to get a hotel room because I’m considered essential personnel at my job and calling in because of weather isn’t really an option. As a nice gesture my hospital extended the invitation to staff to stay on grounds in unoccupied rooms. However as someone who works 12 hour shifts, the last thing I want after working 12 hours is to spend that same amount of time at the same place until I work again. Not to mention that I like having physical distance between myself and my job. So getting the hotel room was an incredibly great decision and reminded me of all the reasons why I like staying in nice hotels. As I’ve mentioned many times, traveling is one of my hobbies and I admit, that staying in a hotel is probably one of the best parts of the experience. At first there was some hesitation that came with staying by myself in an unfamiliar city. However that fear was soon confronted after doing a solo trip to Miami by myself and going through the whole experience of booking and staying in a hotel on a total whim. Since then I’ve stayed in a lot of hotels and have had pretty good experiences. One experience that was pretty memorable was staying at a hotel in Paris. Like the true adventurer I am, my hotel was miles away from the tourist part or Paris and there weren’t many English speakers and the French didn’t appear to be particularly pro-American. The hotel room was markedly smaller than rooms in the US and was also significantly more expensive. You had to leave your room key at the front desk and pick it up so that there wasn’t a chance it would get stolen from you. However the view from my window appeared to be right out of some romance movie based in Paris. The thing I like about hotels is that they signify a separation between real like and vacation or business. It’s not your home and doesn’t feel like such but yet it is for however long you stay. There’s the expectation that you aren’t expected to do housekeeping duties and you are free to roam and return to a clean room regardless (within reason) of the state you left it in. Perhaps if I spent three months in a nice hotel I would change my mind. But who doesn’t like housekeeping services?
Feeling Confined
I’m the type of person who really hates feeling confined. I’m not a fan of small places and while they don’t evoke a panic-like reaction from me, I don’t go out my way to experience them. My parents attest to this fact by reporting I was an escape artist as a toddler. For some reason I hated my crib and would often raise my foot above my head to the guardrail and hoist myself over the railing and fall to the floor. Somehow I managed not to permanently injure myself as I escaped multiple times from my jail–I mean crib. Growing up and being homeschooled afforded me the ability to have a nice balance of structure and flexibility. I remember playing outside in our backyard one day in rural Alabama and saying to my mother that we should go visit my grandparents in Michigan. She liked the idea and within about four hours we had embarked on the 17 hour roadtrip north. Totally unplanned and random. I personally know a lot of people who stay so tied to their to do list that they miss out on a lot. Flexibility is a trait that can come in handy because it demonstrates an ability to think on your feet. I love structure and predictability but I’m also a firm believer in planned spontaneity. Those are scheduled times where I get to do whatever I want (within reason) without an agenda. I’m still in the process of finding a great balance of structure and planned spontaneity but I believe it can be found.
Southern Norms
One of the few perks of working a job with ungodly hours is the fact that there are times where I have a little bit of time during the week to do my own thing. Last week, in the spirit of my goal of traveling a lot more this year (as always) I made a quick trip back to the South to do some laundry and get my hair done by someone halfway competent. I don’t normally go halfway across the continent to do laundry and chill for all of one day but the flight was free and the checked bags were free and it certainly beat a trip to the laundromat contemplating the intricacies of my life while waiting for my clothes to dry and wasting an afternoon. But I digress. Other than the unseasonably bitter cold that happened to be the current climate at the time, I had an interesting experience right fresh off the plane. I went with the other passengers in the mad rush to the baggage claim only to stand around for about a half out before the bags were put on the conveyor belt. Since the biggest goal of my trip was doing laundry, I didn’t really pack a lot. I just dumped my dirty clothes hamper into the biggest suitcase I had and lugged it with me. Wonderful strategy. So my bag finally appears on the belt and at that point I was just ready to grab it and go. Mind you, it’s a pretty good sized suitcase but not so big that I can’t pick it up. It’s just bulky. So as I’m reaching for my bag I see a hand in my peripheral vision but ignoring its relevance to my situation I just ignore it and heft the bag over the belt onto the ground and come eye to eye with a man who looks pissed off. He immediately starts to chastise me for not allowing him to get my bag off the belt. He vehemently reminds me that I’m now in the South and that there’s no excuse for me not to allow a man to get my bed because chivalry is still alive and well. I was pleasantly amused by the experience and it was a nice reminder that there are some really good qualities about Southern culture. It’s funny how much you can miss those little things when you don’t live in that environment anymore but it’s also interesting how you learn to adapt and go without them because they aren’t even an option. If anything like that happened where I live it would be a big deal because it is SO rare. Even the nice gesture of having doors opened surprises me every time that it happens because it is not a common occurrence. Definitely a contrast to the societal norms of the South.
Just Get Up and Walk Away
After working several consecutive night shifts, it’s safe to say that my sense of humor is similar to the one in this article. I know a lot of people right now who could really use some of the health benefits in the article by taking a break. Working in a windowless office can sometimes feel so confining and restrictive and despite the fact that the article is satire, there’s also a huge amount of truth to it. I wonder how many people would have better health if they weren’t so stressed out about their jobs. Don’t get me wrong, I love making money but I don’t always like the time and effort associated with acquiring it. There are definitely some times where there would be a legitimate therapeutic benefit of throwing my ID badge as far as I could and never looking back. However, that impulse is quickly counteracted by the rational thought that a replacement badge costs 20 bucks. Being in a field of work that is notorious for burnout makes you realize how important it is to take breaks. I’m in the process of figuring out the details on some trips I want to take this year and while it won’t be the equivalent of walking out my office and never returning, it will still be a break from it all.
Two for One
Independence and doing your own thing is something that is valued in many different circles. Single people are told and advised to stay single for as long as humanly possible and enjoy their “season of freedom.” Not too long ago I went on a date where the guy told me numerous times how I was weird and how badly he wanted my life because I travel a lot. Not the greatest thing but I digress. The world is still geared towards couples. From tax breaks to more respect and credibility for others, it’s a good time to be in a relationship. Even travel packages cost you almost twice as much when you travel by yourself. It’s an inconvenient expense that could easily be remedied. Millions of dollars worth of books, CD’s, and DVD’s have been bought giving remedies and steps on how to be a happy and whole single person. The mantra that you have to be ok with yourself before being with someone else is debate-able. I’m not against working out personal issues but it can also be done within a relationship. It’s going to be hard either way. I’m not downing the single life because it definitely has it’s perks at times but there’s something to be said about being able to take advantage of the tax breaks, two for one deals and travel packages that comes along with having a significant other. While these things can be done with friends, it’s still a different dynamic. Must I carry all my groceries up three flights of stairs all the time? Small insignificant but also significant details make you realize how life experiences could change with the presence of a consistent significant other.
Struggle Meals
I have a theory that many people who have experienced financial hardship at some point in their lives have found a struggle meal. Now, a struggle meal is a meal that you would not normally eat if you had a decent looking bank account. It can be as simple as ordering off the dollar menu at a fast food store or even buying store brand butter and sugar to make sandwiches. While I haven’t known the poverty that comes from not knowing where my next meal is coming from, I do know the uncomfortable feeling of an overdrawn bank account and a week or two before the next payday. Not a great thing. Ironically my “struggle food” is lentils with vegetables and rice. It’s also probably my lazy food as well when I don’t feel like preparing anything for a few days. My point is that when you are working towards a goal you make the necessary sacrifices because you want a good end result. You forgo always splurging because you’re saving up for something. The sacrifices now pave the way for the rewards down the line. Then you can have a commemorative struggle meal instead of a real one.
Alisha's Angle 