There are so many definitions of love floating around. We’ve all heard of the term “falling in love” and I think that many times people get caught up in the hype that love is a feeling 100% of the time. I won’t deny that those fluttery butterflies in your stomach aren’t cute, but that’s not the most long term aspect of love. Many times people say that they can’t help that they fell in love with someone. While I’m not discounting their experience, I think that it’s indeed possible to pick someone to fall in love with. Doing so requires self awareness and self control. I’ve noticed people who turn a blind eye to huge hints about a side of their significant other’s character that isn’t pleasant. All in the name of love. They loudly proclaim that they can forgive any faults because they “love” this specific individual. The eyelids of love are closed. They’re “blind” and not thinking clearly because emotions have won the battle between reality and how they feel. I’m pretty big on planning and I like to know what I’m getting into before I actually commit to it. I believe that love should be the same way. Just like the human eye blinks as a way to moisturize and get impurities out, I think that loving someone involves seeing past certain character flaws (eyelids closed) while acknowledging the role that these flaws will play in the relationship (eyes open). I’m not talking about having standards that are so high that nobody will ever measure up. I’m referring to being able to look at both pros and cons with a balanced outlook that isn’t tainted by something as temporary as feelings. Let’s face it. Feelings change. That’s why you should know what you’re getting before you decide it’s what you’ve waited all your life for. Keep both eyes open but remember to blink.
Tag Archives: relationships
Meaningless Affection
I consider myself an undercover touchy feely person. I say undercover because in no way, shape, or form does it appear that way to many people that know me. I’m the person who would much rather sit by myself than be commanded to “turn to my neighbor” or “give my neighbor a hug.” Quite frankly, I find it awkward and extremely annoying. This often happens in church-like settings where apparently the leader of some sort is trying to break the ice and apparently build lifelong bonds between people in the audience. Call me mean, but that’s not my intention. I don’t mind meeting new people and I have a nosy personality that seeks to find out what makes someone tick. I like to hear life stories and get advice and direction from people with a different perspective. However, I’m not down (and may not ever be) with hugging perfect strangers and telling them that I love them because I was told to do so. I remember reading somewhere that giving or receiving hugs can help the body and improve mental health. While I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with this, in my case hugs with perfect strangers do not count towards my “daily hug quota.” I don’t usually even know the person’s name. But refusing a hug creates one of the most awkward moments–especially if you don’t know the person. I honestly think that a hug in this type of situation is a type of meaningless affection. It means nothing. Conveys nothing. Accomplishes nothing. Now I know that other people would disagree with me and I’m sure that there are plenty of people who hug perfect strangers because there is a legitimate purpose. But in this situation, hugging someone because you were told to do so does not count as a legitimate reason with an actual purpose. Humans can be so trained to do whatever someone tells them to do because they have some sort of title. Makes no sense to me. Will I ever sit next to someone and inform them that I don’t do hugs from strangers? Probably not. But will I continue to cringe in my head whenever I hear a “turn to your neighbor?” Yup. What can I say? I just feel more comfortable hugging people I actually know.
Who’s your hero?
I think that everyone at some point in their childhood desired or wanted to be like someone else. Whether it was a character from a TV show, or even a person that had admirable qualities. I think that you can tell a lot about a person by who they name as their hero. I think that we pick heroes based on our own perception of our deficiencies. We pick role models based on the fact that we see something in them that we want to emulate in our own lives. I don’t remember having a lot of heroes growing up. While I admire and respected certain people for their accomplishments, I can’t honesty say that I remember declaring that so and so was my hero (or shero). I know people who have the opportunity to be mentored by other people who they consider their heroes. While I love the idea of having a mentor, role model, and hero all rolled into one person, I wonder how realistic it is to expect to encounter that. In my work with kids in the therapy room, I’ve noticed that the term “hero” can have many different meanings. I think that our heroes change as we grow older and develop our own unique perspectives. Take a minute this week to think about who your hero is and what qualities that they had (or have) that you are still working towards then jot down some ideas of what you can do or focus on to practice some of these qualities.
One thing that never fails to annoy me is when people state emphatically that people in relationships or married people have no business going to or seeking counsel from people who aren’t married. Now on the surface this perspective appears to make a lot of sense. What business do you have going to someone who isn’t in a relationship themselves to get advice? What if you followed this advice and went to someone who was actually married and their advice wasn’t sound because they could only give counsel in the context of their current situation and could only say what they would do if they were you? One of the reasons that I think that this logic is flawed is that when you apply it to other situations it makes absolutely no sense. Do you refuse to be treated by a medical professional because he or she has never experienced your particular medical challenge? Would you refuse the aid of a lifeguard when you’re drowning because he or she has never been in your predicament before? Or better yet, would you ignore a policeman or a fireman when you’re in a dangerous situation because they haven’t been in your shoes? Absolutely not. The reason why we are willing to trust these people and take their suggestions, directions, and counsel so seriously is because we believe that they have skills we don’t possess and we trust in the quality of their training. The same concept applies to therapists. If someone took the time to get the necessary education and gain the right skills, their current relationship status is irrelevant. A lot of people don’t realize the work that goes into becoming licensed to provide therapy. In addition to a master’s degree, you have to work in the field for 2 years or more after graduation and complete at least 3000 or more work hours depending on your state. I say all this to say that you should trust the training a therapist has instead of writing him or her off because they aren’t just like you. That’s stupid.
Trusting someone’s training
Complementarity
This picture really made me think. So many times I’ve heard people say that we get what we deserve. They use this perspective to justify the reason why people can be in numerous toxic relationships. Along with this mindset comes the assumption that if you work on yourself and become better, than you’ll immediately attract a better caliber of people. But the honest truth is I think a lot of people want to feel that their significant other is an upgrade from themselves. I don’t know if people can be literally perfect for each other but I think that they can strongly complement each other. Think about it. Wouldn’t you work harder and do more to keep something you felt you didn’t deserve as opposed to something on your level?
The Himaholic Chronicles
Kelly Price put out a song by this particular name and in this song she describes being in a relationship with a man who is addictive. She knows that he’s toxic but she goes through withdrawals when she isn’t around him. I know a LOT of people in a similar situation. They are a self-proclaimed “himaholic” or a “heraholic.” (Definitely just made up a word). But honestly, some people are just addictive–whether it’s in a good way or a bad way. It’s like you get so invested in them that you can’t get yourself back and it gets really hard to separate the two. If there was ever a Himaholics Anonymous it would be full of the stories of woe from women who got caught in vicious cycles of believing that they would change someone and then realizing that they could not but still returning to him because he was addictive. I remember someone once telling me that every human being is attracted to dysfunction on some level. While I won’t debate the truth of this statement, I can honestly say that I’ve seen a lot of examples. Himaholics and heraholics do exist. They are our friends, family, and sometimes even ourselves. There is not a tried and true proven way to get out of a relationship that isn’t good for you. Sometimes you just have to go cold turkey and tough it out until the addictive cycle is over. Not necessarily the most comfortable choice, but definitely a good decision in the long run.
I think I’m the one
I’ve never been 100% down with the I’m-good-by-myself-and-I-don’t-need-a-man movement. However, I think that hanging your entire life on the idea that one day you’ll meet someone who fulfills your every want and need and will love you unconditionally forever is incredibly stupid. Notice I said ENTIRE life. We all have dreams and goals and having a significant other is likely to be one of them. I have heard numerous women talk about “him.” How “he” is going to find them and pay for everything, put them in a Benz or a Beamer, and love them. This picture made me laugh but also made me think at the same time. It’s important to know who you are and what you like. That way, if you get screwed over in a relationship and find yourself single again, you won’t have to start from scratch and re-find your identity. Just saying….
Decisions, decisions
In the past few days I have been presented, or rather challenged with a big decision. I’m usually pretty good at making decisions. I have my own method of looking at the pros and cons and then coming to a conclusion. Once I make a decision, I rarely change my mind because I’ve already done the leg work. The reason why this particular decision is so hard is because it is indicative of a battle between my emotional side and my rational/logical side. I’ve found that the hardest decisions happen when you have to decide between what you want and what you need. This is especially hard for me because I have always been someone who put responsibility and duty over convenience or feelings. I know that making one decisions will be really good for my mental health and general state of well being but it will cost me a huge chunk of my career goals and will mess up my entire five-year plan. Yeah, making a decision based on my emotional side would make me happy. But is life really about happiness? The truth is that I’ve spent so much time working towards my career and abandoning it would be a huge waste. It all comes down to how bad I want it and how much I’m willing to sacrifice to get it. Hard questions. But at the end of the day, I can’t make a huge decision based on my emotions because even they are subject to change. I may not want to make a decision but I NEED to. Plus, maybe I’ll be able to pinpoint a place where I’ll get the best of both worlds. Until then, I’ll just hang out in the valley of decision for a little while.
My Heart Condition (Cardiomegaly)
I think I may suffer from Cardiomegaly. Not in the physical sense, but definitely emotionally. For those of you who may not have wikipedia nearby, Cardiomegaly is when the heart is enlarged and it can be caused by a variety of different things including tumors, anemia, and cocaine use. I think my heart may actually be too big and that realization is coming to me slowly but pretty surely. I’m the kind of person who will go above and beyond the call of duty for someone that is close to me. While I’ve gotten better with sticking to boundaries, I still will bend over backwards to help someone I consider part of my family (immediate, close, or adopted). Now this is actually a good thing. I can be counted on and I’m loyal to a fault. HOWEVER, the bad part about this is that if I legitimately care about someone. I’ll still be inconvenienced and sacrifice enormously despite the fact that they 1. Don’t care about me back 2. Don’t know that I’m actually being inconvenienced and 3. Have not given me ANY indication that they’re about to care about me. As a therapist, one of the things that I talk about all the time with my clients is the importance of sticking to your boundaries and being with people that appreciate you. I first noticed this enlarged heart condition when I was a little kid and I could empathize with people and cry when someone started crying just because I was sad that they were sad. To this day, I still occasionally do that. It’s a good thing to care about people and to be genuinely interested in their welfare. But it’s another thing to care to the point that it’s at your own personal expense and the other person remains oblivious to your caring. This has happened to me more times than I would care to count. But, it’s something that I am actually aware of and despite the fact that caring too much continually screws me over, I’ve gotten used to it. It’s painful and involves a lot of emotions but it’s who I am. It’s uncomfortable and almost always inconvenient but it’s familiar. So many people talk about how they want their hearts to soften but I could probably benefit from a little hardening. As someone told me this week, “caring a lot about other people can be both a blessing and a curse.” And who knows, maybe caring too much will one day work in my favor instead of working against me.
Know Your Audience
One thing that struck me today was the importance of knowing your audience. This proves true in so many situations. We can all think of a teacher or someone in a leadership position that pretty much sucked at their job because they did not know how to effectively communicate their ideas and thoughts to their audience. Personally, I hate being in these type of situations because I feel like I’m at the mercy of the speaker and that while they may have knowledge that is applicable to my life, they lack the ability to convey it to me and their audience. The same proves true with people who may not be in a leadership capacity. Even when talking to friends it’s important to think about how someone will take what you say. Some people need a straightforward approach while others respond better when the words are gently padded. It’s all about knowing the audience that you’re speaking to. No one would speak to a group of five year olds in the same way that they spoke to a group of people in their 30’s. Each group is different and the speaker’s approach should be tailored to the needs of the group. There’s no reason for a “one size fits all” approach when dealing with people. People don’t want to be talked down to. They want to listen to someone who can empathize with their current situation and communicate ideas in a way that helps them. Otherwise, they’ll just get bored and tune out.
Alisha's Angle 