During a conversation that I had earlier this week, someone said to me that there’s a fine line between strategy and manipulation and we cross that line all the time. It really made me think about all the times that we do things that would normally be characterized as manipulative but are actually strategic. Therapists do this all the time with clients. The thing is that the difference between being manipulative and being strategic is that when you’re strategic you have the other person’s well being as a priority. Being manipulative is more self serving. This automatically made me think of all the times that people have manipulated situations or people for the sake of getting or appearing good to a potential significant other. Some might argue that these actions are more strategic than manipulative. I think that they can go either way. If you’re sincerely convinced that your presence in the daily life of your potential significant other will enhance or benefit them in some way, you’re more on the strategic end of the fine line. In no way am I advocating for stalking and not taking “no” for an answer, but we have to realize that there are times we have to strategize in order to get an actual chance. Sometimes you just have to know what end result you want and strategize backwards in order to get it because it’s the only plausible option. Because the line between manipulation and strategy can be so blurred, examining your motives can be one of the only ways you can know what side of the fence you’re on.
Tag Archives: relationships
No Pics Required
I’ve always been someone who liked to take pictures. From the moment that I got my first cell phone with a camera, I liked keeping a picture gallery of some of my experiences. While I’ve never been a fan of being in pictures, I have always recognized the significance and sometimes even the importance of capturing a memory in the form of a picture. However, one thing that I have noticed is that some moments do not require a photograph. There have been so many great moments that have happened where I’ve reached for my phone to take a picture but stopped. I think that that there are some moments in our lives that don’t require a photograph because taking one would in some way cheapen the moment. There are some things we experience in life that should be remembered by the feelings associated with the experience instead of pictures. While journaling can be another way of remembering experiences, there are some moments that are so special and significant in one’s life that words and pictures will never be able to fully capture the essence, experience, and the feelings associated with that event. The truth is that while a picture can be worth a thousand words, a memory can be worth a million. The experience in itself is worth it. Enjoying the moment, basking in the present and mentally filing it away without the visual aid of a photograph can make it that much more meaningful. Knowing that you won’t have a photograph to remember it by makes you all the more vigilant about capturing the experience through as many of your five senses as possible. It’s a far cry from looking through a photo album and reminiscing but can be so much better because you don’t have a photograph to remember the moment by and as a result, you remember more. Taking the time to live in the moment can help you to not have regrets later.
The Friend-Zone
I don’t want to make the assumption that everyone has been friend-zoned at least once in their life. However, I think that it would be correct to assume that everyone at knows at least ONE person that this has happened to. The phenomenon of the friend zone has been around as long as the opinion that men and women can be platonic friends without one or the other catching feelings. While I think that this can occur, the instances where it has been successful for a long period of time are very few. The friend-zone is not the greatest place to be because you’re in a state of limbo. Torn between what you have and what you wish you had. You enjoy the company and attention from your “friend” but it’s not in the way that you actually want it to be. Being friend zoned is probably the equivalent of craving some cadillac-brand of butter pecan ice cream but getting stuck with plain yoghurt. Both are in the dairy family but vastly different in taste and texture. One thing about the friend zone is that it’s comfortable. There’s less expectations and as a result there’s less chance of misunderstandings. Both people (on paper) appear to have come to a mutual agreement about the status of the relationship. However one person wishes that the relationship could move beyond friendship but for the sake of the relationship they resign themselves to their fate. They have been relegated to a corner in the friendship despite (usually) small attempts to shift the direction of the relationship elsewhere. This usually also includes seeing the object of one’s affection date and sometimes even marry another. Am I advocating for all the friend zoned people to confess their true feelings and risk rejection for the sake of being honest to themselves? Nope. The truth is that when you’ve had enough you’ll make a decision. Humans tend to change or even make important decisions when they become sick and tired of their current situation. If you don’t like being friend-zoned bad enough, you’ll do something about it and speak up. Point blank. If not, you’ll just pine away in an almost relationship with someone who most likely doesn’t have a clue about your real feelings. It may not be ideal but it’s the choice you made.
Why Rapport???
I don’t do therapy as much as I used to and one thing that I enjoyed about the process was building rapport with clients. I once heard someone say that if you can’t build rapport within the first 15 minutes of a professional relationship, your chances are pretty much shot. The truth is that we expect people who are professionals we are paying to know what they are talking about. No one really wants a therapist who only has listening skills but has no knowledge base of interventions. A good friend with common sense can accomplish that. The thing about rapport is that it can be built fast or very slow depending on the situation. One of the easiest ways in the therapy room is to do an introduction of yourself and some cool non-personal facts about you. This helps to break the ice and encourages the client to open up about his or her dislikes. Emphasizing that questions are always welcome and adopting a collaborative approach to therapy can also be awesome tools to build rapport. As a therapist, I have to constantly be aware of the amount of rapport I have with each client. While some may trust me starting from session one, it may take six sessions for that to happen with another client. The more rapport I have with a client, the more I can push them out of their comfort zone and challenge them. If they know they can trust me they will feel safe enough to be uncomfortable and work on things that they hide from other people. While I make a very clear distinction between doing therapy and listening to the challenges of friends or associates around me, the rapport thing still holds true. While I’m not going to do a full-fledged intervention with a friend, I have to be aware of how much rapport I have with him or her and choose my words accordingly. Established and secure friendships will get a more candid and unfiltered response while associates and acquaintances will get a more blanket and general response. It’s all related to the rapport I have with them. There are many times I’ve wanted to give a more candid response to an associate or acquaintance but the fact that I do not have enough rapport with them for them to not be offended has stopped me. I conceptualize rapport as being a bank. Deposits happen when there are similar interests, trust is present, and there’s a sense of emotional safety. Withdrawals occur when you have to say something that is uncomfortable or may cause the other person to be offended. If you have enough rapport in the bank with them they won’t lash out at you because you’ve put time into building rapport. If there is not enough rapport in the bank you go into overdraft with a very angry and offended person with the risk of alienation because you overstepped the boundaries of the relationship.
Lessons in Teaching
Recently I had the opportunity to present on a counseling theory as it pertains to couples therapy to a class of graduate students at my alma mater. One thing that was helpful in the presentation was that I had actual experience using the theory in my work with couples. Narrative therapy is definitely something that I had the chance to use a lot when working with families, couples and individuals. As a naturally nosy person, narrative therapy is right up my alley because it gives clients a chance to tell their own story. As the therapy progresses the therapist starts prompting the clients to express the problem in their own words as the problem. Very helpful in identifying root causes and challenging current paradigms. I say all that to say that it’s nice to be able to talk about a topic that you have at least a basic knowledge of. Coaching a role play as the students played therapists and acted out the theory was also really fun. Maybe I like the feeling of interrupting and inserting some bit of wisdom but it’s always interesting to experience how a theory can change the entire dynamic of the therapy room and present an opportunity for growth on the part of the clients. I’ve had some great teachers during my educational experience and I’ve learned a lot of valuable information that has informed the way that I interact with clients and has made me much more strategic. I say all this to say that this little dose of teaching was a success and teaching a class is something that I’ve added to my list of things to do just for fun (and professional experience of course).
The Spring Feeling
While spring is coming to an end, the fact that it snowed in Colorado last week was a discouragement to the inevitability of summer A few months ago I did a blog post on The Winter Feeling. Well folks, winter is pretty much over and in its place comes Spring Fever or as I like to call it, The Spring Feeling. The Spring Feeling is something that affect everyone in some way. The cold winter has started to thaw and people slowly and gradually start to come out of hibernation. They become more active and emotions run high. People become more easily irritated because deep down inside nobody wants to be stuck doing work while the weather is absolutely perfect. Engagements are a dime a dozen and so are pregnancies. Love seems to resemble a contagious virus that everyone seems to be catching. There’s something about spring that makes people want to either have babies or even sometimes having a burst of immature childish behaviors that they should have grown out of decades ago. Regardless, the spring feeling is one of transition. While summer is coming, people are talking about gaining that perfect beach body and they have a sudden new motivation for those disregarded New Year’s Resolutions.
Lost and Found
i rarely read a book that I think would be interesting to a lot of people. Reading autobiographies has always been a favorite of mine since childhood. This book is definitely geared toward a faith-based audience but it’s also a great read for anyone who has ever struggled with meeting the expectations of others or has overcome adversity. Sarah describes a life of living under a microscope as a child of a well known individual. She describes how an unplanned pregnancy at a young age and an abusive marriage helped shape her into the person she is today. There are countless people we run into on a daily basis whose lives we have no clue about. Lost and Found describes a coming of age experience in which Sarah tells her story of facing challenges and how she found her way.
A hard reality
So lately it seems as if everyone around me is getting married, engaged, having a child, or accomplishing something. Me? I just do the work and school thing. I’m at a time in my life where the cliche phases no longer make any sense. I’m tired of being asked if I’ve been “found” yet, how I can be such an awesome person and not have a significant other. And my personal favorite “your time will come”. All of these phrases and questions do not serve any real purpose. While I can respect the fact that these sentiments come from a good place, they just don’t make sense. Granted, looking back I probably should have tried harder to get wifed up in college but the fact that I was paying for it (all of it) really made me more focused on graduating on time and getting good grades. Plus the homeschooled social skills weren’t the greatest. I say all this to say that I now know what not to say to younger people. However, I’m also not going to plan my life around an ideal or a plan that may never be my reality. I’m all for optimism but you have to have a plan B. It doesn’t work otherwise. As much as a significant change in my relationship status could positively affect my quality of life, I can also recognize the importance on not basing my happiness on the presence of someone else in my life. Not an easy pill to swallow. But it’s better in the long run.
The Game of Odds
This article was so interesting to me because the author took the time to break down what (he) thinks it takes for a woman to marry. Granted, while he (supposedly) is quoting information from a book, there is absolutely no citations or references at the end of the article. Despite this, the article was very direct and organized and makes a lot of sense. I have to admit that my favorite part was the quote about making getting a husband a priority after age 30 and not being the last person to “get off the bus” in terms of matrimony. Overall, I think that there’s some great advice that one can take away from the author’s perspective. Plus, it’s an easy read.
Safety First
Safety is something that is at the forefront of our minds a lot of the time. Whether it’s looking both ways before crossing the street, parking in a lighted area, or buying a concealed weapon for your house. We hate being caught off guard. However our emotional safety is important as well. Working in mental health “not feeling safe” a way that a lot of people express the fact that they are not in a good emotional space and they’re afraid that they may do something impulsive. Rarely do people get to feeling this way without some type of cause. It could be stress in their relationship, work, or even something in their childhood that happened and they are just now remembering. They are vulnerable and they’re reaching out for help. Emotional safety can be defined differently by different people. You’ll notice that when someone feels emotionally safe they are much more likely to open up and being genuine with themselves and others. They are also more likely to show vulnerability. This is why many times you don’t know who someone really is until you’ve known them for a few years and they feel comfortable with you. Feeling emotionally safe can sometimes be harder with those you’re close to than with perfect strangers. Think of programs like Alcoholics Anonymous where people incredible vulnerable about their addictions and struggles but still get to remain somewhat anonymous. That being said, I have so much respect for people who can be vulnerable about their struggles and experiences in a group of people that they know. Because they are really putting themselves out there in the hope that their vulnerability will inspire and motivate others. In some ways I feel that writing a book where you’re vulnerable and speaking in a group of people with that same level of vulnerability is something totally different. As a therapist, I know that vulnerability is one of the best emotions in the therapy room, but there has to be a high level of emotional safety and if one person is vulnerable and the other person isn’t supportive or doesn’t care, the session quickly becomes counterproductive with both people leaving feeling hurt and upset at the other. This is why the emotional safety of both individuals has to be a priority.
Alisha's Angle 