Not too long ago I had the opportunity to brush up on my therapy skills and put them into practice. Like anything, there are certain things you forget when you don’t have to use a certain set of skills consistently. While it’s easy to get back in groove (like riding a bike), the process requires additional preparation and planning. Something that stood out to me was the role of vulnerability in a successful intimate relationship. We have an impact on each other and walls are sometimes necessary because they serve as emotional protection in the face of real or perceived emotional danger. A certain amount of baggage typically comes along with two people entering a relationship. It’s not about finding a “perfect” person but more about choosing someone whose problems and emotional baggage complement yours. Vulnerability requires a certain amount of trust in the other person. The lines of communication have to be open without any topic being off limits. It’s interesting to witness adults in a variety of situations shy away from being assertive and discussing expectations about an uncomfortable topic. When I think about being vulnerable I think about watching dogs play and fight. Typically one dog wins when the other one surrenders by laying on its back and going belly up. It’s literally a position of vulnerability as it exposes vital organs leaving the dog at the mercy of its opponent. But it also signals the end of the fight. I think it’s important to remember that getting to that point of vulnerability takes time with human relationships. But it can be so worth it in the end when both people can communicate on that level without feeling attacked or judged.
Tag Archives: life
Wedding Bells and Woes
I was chatting with an old friend the other day and we were remarking on the practice of fundraising through websites to raise money for weddings. I recognize that weddings aren’t cheap and I’ve met numerous couples who have told me that they aren’t in a financial position to pay for a wedding because of the costs. I’m not knocking creativity by any means but it seems to be in poor taste to ask people to come to your wedding while asking them to pay for it as well. Almost as tactless as telling people to give you cold hard cash instead of gifts. I remember hearing someone say that people don’t care about cost and will go above and beyond their budget when it has to do with a wedding of a funeral. I have a small theory that it’s because both events evoke many types of emotions and rational decisions aren’t always popular. There’s nothing wrong with a request, however it’s important to remember that people aren’t obligated to fulfill your wishes. Let’s be honest, a monetary gift just makes more sense than a blender sometimes. Having a nice wedding is something that many women have dreamed about since being little girls. They already know their color scheme, who will make the cut to be a bridesmaid, and the season and location. Then finally their wish comes true and they finally have a legitimate reason to plan a wedding. I’m not going to lie, I love weddings. People are always so optimistic about life and love and it’s a happy occasion where families and guests have fun together and celebrate the couple’s decisions to (hopefully) spend their lives together. However, it seems that weddings are more for the guests than anything else. The truth of the matter is that a wedding isn’t necessary for a marriage. There are plenty other better investments of time and money that could be made instead of using it on wedding. Yes, it’s sentimental and beautiful but it’s not always practical. And that’s a truth a lot of people won’t admit.
College Life Reflections
One of the features that I enjoy on my most used social media site is the one where you can see what you had posted on that same day in years past. Not too long ago I ran across a status I had written describing my excitement of starting college and classes. Looking back, it feels like it happened a million years ago. I remember agonizing about what my major would be and feeling torn between social work, psychology, and music. College was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was great because I had the opportunity to meet new people, manage a schedule, and experience life in another structured and sheltered environment that was in a lot of ways like my home life. I learned a lot about assertiveness when I had to challenge grades with certain teachers. Before graduation I had to advocate for myself when it came down to required classes for graduation and I found a loophole and used it to my advantage. I learned about discipline and while I never perfected the art of studying, I learned about the benefits of procrastination and racing to meet a deadline while still delivering a quality scholarly work. College taught me the importance of time management and balancing conflicting priorities. The untimely deaths of several of my classmates reminded me of the importance of appreciating and living life to the fullest. Looking back, there’s not a lot I would change–except maybe being a bit more open minded and allowing myself to have more fun instead of being in the books all the time. Ah well.
Millennials and Religion
The topic of millennials and religion has been one that has been flooding my social media timelines lately. People are reaching out and soliciting opinions and perspectives about why millennials aren’t as religious as previous generations. You can read an article about it here . The main assertion of the author is that religion has become more private to millennials and I can agree with this perspective. There are so many people who wear their beliefs on their sleeves and make it their personal mission to bring people over to their side or their way of thinking. This is all fine and well as many people enjoy being followers. But I think that one of the characteristics of millennials today is that there is a lot more questioning. In many instances where previous generations accepted certain things as truth, this generation needs a bit more evidence. Additionally, society is becoming more individualistic and the “we” factor is seen as less important.
Getting Out
It’s been a really long week for a variety of reasons so I decided to make the best of my one day weekend. One thing that I really enjoy is music because it’s a universal language. There’s rarely any significant period of time that goes by without me turning on a song or playing an album by an artist I enjoy. I haven’t gone to a concert in a while because I’ve been either traveling or working but when I saw a flyer advertising the concert of an artist who I enjoy listening to, I bought a ticket on a whim. While I really wanted to stay at my house and sleep, it’s a goal of mine to get out more and be more social. Plus, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go somewhere that didn’t require me to use my professional skills in some capacity. Despite the fact that I bought a ticket, I almost decided against going last minute because of all the extra effort. But I went and I’m glad I did. The concert featured soul music and many of the songs performed were remade versions of some great hits from decades past. Avery Sunshine was among one of the artists that performed and she was absolutely amazing as she sang and engaged the audience to sing her background vocals on one of the songs. There was great energy and I enjoyed sitting back and taking it all in. I have a lot of respect for artists who can hold a space without losing the audience and still be their authentic selves. Everyone enjoyed themselves and the concert finished around midnight or so. It reminded me of how therapeutic music can be. Maybe the focus this year will be on exploring where I live instead of traveling quite as much.
Traffic thoughts
I must admit that living in the metro area of a city known for its traffic has been quite the adjustment. While I prefer it to sliding along the highway in a blinding snowstorm, allowing a minimum of an hour to go places can be inconvenient. Currently I work about 30 miles from where I live. Without traffic (and speeding) I can make it from work to my house in about 25 minutes. However, in the instances that there is traffic I’ve (by trial and error) to allow at LEAST an hour and half to make the journey. As I was sitting in traffic (literally not moving), I thought about how much you have to prepare ahead while driving. If your exit is coming up you have to start the process of begging and cutting in to make it all the way over to the right hand lane. It’s all about planning ahead and putting yourself in a position that makes it easier to make it to your destination without any additional stress. In life things rarely go according plan (hard lesson to learn by the way), but I’ve learned that sometimes the detours provide the best scenery and give you experiences you wouldn’t have had if you weren’t forced to get off the beaten trail. Yes, it may take longer but there’s a lot of value in appreciating the journey on the way to your destination.
Figuring it out
I’ve loved seeing all the typical resolutions that have been flying around social media around this time of year. Everyone wants to be better, nicer, kinder, and thinner. It’s almost 10 days into the new year and I don’t have a nice organized list of all the things I want to accomplish. I am very aware that my lack of planning might end in a disaster and I don’t believe in planning as I go so something has to change. I’m still getting my bearings in the new location and making decisions regarding what I feel is the best use of my time. One thing that has been nice is the downtime I’ve had–which really hasn’t occurred at any point in my professional career. However, it’s time to evaluate again and make some decisions and put it on paper (or rather on my iPhone) so I can actually land among the stars while shooting for the moon.
Twenty-fifteen in review
I must say that 2015 has been to date the most pivotal year of my life. It started out on a sunny beach in Mexico with a new job lined up and went on from there. I started and got oriented to the schedule of the new job. This year I didn’t make as many smaller trips as I would have liked but my trips to France and Greece made up the difference. I had a great time at both places and would love to visit more countries. This year I finally bought some furniture after living like an indoor camper for 3 years. A couch, tv, dining room table, and bookshelves were added to my apartment and definitely made it more visitor friendly. Several friends and family flew in to hang out and spend the weekend with me and we had a lot of fun. I took a step back from some of the obligations I had in 2014 and went on a quest of sorts to live life to the fullest with as few regrets as possible. I loved and subsequently catastrophically lost but learned through the experience as always. I finally attended a college and NFL football game. I moved across the country and did another major life overhaul. It was a good year with a surprise towards the end that I didn’t expect. Looking forward to bigger and better in 2016.
Refill
I realized that I haven’t posted a song in a while and this particular one is probably one of my top 5 favorites this year. I don’t know where I was when it first came out or how I missed it. I just know that it popped up one day when I was listening to a random playlist and I loved it. This song took me through many a night at 3am when I was working and trying to stay awake. Elle’s voice is unlike any other as she sings about her interest in someone and how she wants more time to get to know him better. It’s just a great song that I’ve played over and over and over and over again because for some reason the lyrics and the melody never gets old.
2015 Lessons
As I’ve said in a previous post, it’s so hard to believe that the end of the year is once again upon us. This year has brought an abundance of life lessons that I didn’t quite plan on learning. I’ve included below the top 5.
- Everything isn’t always as it seems-sometimes you have to take the time to dig beneath the surface and find out what’s really going on instead of blindly accepting someone’s explanation.
- Comfort zones are great for people who don’t have a sense of adventure and don’t want to go anywhere in life.
- There are some opportunities that only come once so carefully (and I mean carefully) think about the ones you turn down for whatever reason.
- There are times in life that you have make uncomfortable decisions in the present that your future self will thank you for making in the future.
- There are some things and experiences that you’ll never experience until you travel outside the country and go off the beaten tourist path.
Alisha's Angle 