Tag Archives: emotions

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Emotions and attraction

It’s a fairly well known fact that some people aren’t known for making the greatest decisions when they are fatigued, exhausted, sad, excessively happy, or angry. There’s something about it that impairs good decision making skills at times. You find yourself doing things that you would never do if you were calm,collected, and rational. It’s happened to the best of us. I have a theory that there are certain people that we only find attractive when we are exhausted or in some type of vulnerable state. It’s not that these people are necessarily bad, but in more ideal circumstances they would never receive a second glance. 
I remember someone once saying that you should never make an important decision when you’re upset, sad, or angry because oftentimes those are the decisions that are regretted the most. In the same way, I think that it’s also good to be self aware of the signs that indicate we are really tired or fatigued.

Maybe that way we’ll be able to avoid some bad decisions. 

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The other side of lonely part III

This is the third installment of (apparently) my annual blog post on the other side of loneliness. The basic idea is that we can be profoundly lonely at some of the best times of our lives. I wrote the first blog after one of my most stressful academic days. I had to do a presentation for the faculty of my school. This presentation included a video clip of me conducting therapy with a couple and rationalizing all my therapeutic interventions witty explanations on what I was trying to accomplish. This was also accompanied by a declaration of my therapeutic orientation and background information. Needless to say, it was the culmination of two years of clinical work and class work and was necessary in order to graduate. I did the presentation and passed with flying colors with some really positive feedback from faculty. It was a great moment. Hence my assertion that sometimes our happiest moments can be our loneliest because we don’t have anyone to share it with. I still think it’s true two years later. Some people say that you can’t miss something you’ve never had. While I disagree, I also think that you miss something in a different way when you have had it at some point and had to give it up. By this same token, having someone there for one occasion will make you appreciative but it could also make you lonelier when it happens again without the presence of said person. I think that loneliness is felt more acutely when you’ve known what it’s like to have someone there. It’s not necessarily a bad thing because you learn how to truly appreciate the times that were the exception to the “rule.”

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Pedestrians and cautiousness  

Being a pedestrian can be a nerve wracking experience. While I drive a lot, I usually park a significant distance away from where I am supposed to be in case I want to avoid traffic and leave early. It’s a classic introvert move. Last summer when I traveled to France I walked everywhere. Well, with the exception of the occasional water taxi. I must say that the drivers in Europe operate on an unspoken set of rules I never understood. Instead I was thankful that I didn’t decide driving in a foreign country was something I had to do. I wanted hundreds of near accidents that involved cars, buses, and people walking. Cars just refused to yield to people walking so you had to move out the way or suffer the consequences. Needless to say, I was very alert and cautious when walking and crossing streets. I guess the fact that I was alone the entire time helped me to be more cautious. I recently moved and my apartment complex reminds me of a smaller version of French streets. People pull out without looking and race around searching for a parking spot and forget about the possibility that someone could be walking. My nerves have improved since France so it’s not a big deal to me anymore. It just means I have to be more aware of my surroundings. That’s always a good thing. 

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People and their choices

I commented to a colleague of mine the other day that the work we do naturally makes us cynical. I’m not an expert in human behavior or personality but I’ve found that many of the clients I work with have ulterior motives. I think that’s something people don’t always want to acknowledge but it still continues to be true. There are certain times of the year where you see more people depressed because of relationships, then there’s the season of behavior problems with kids and adolescents. Somewhere in the year the presenting challenge changes to people experimenting with a new drug or hallucination with agitation. These cycles go on every year. While they aren’t always predictable, they still happen in a certain order. As I’ve said before in a previous blog, sometimes the key to not getting stuck in the dysfunction of others is to realize that you can only do so much. I can’t fix your spouse, I can’t change the fact that you’re being bullied, I can’t personally guarantee that you’ll never feel depressed again. I’ve come to the realization that life isn’t about fixing people. It’s about laying out their choices and attempting to create an environment where they feel empowered to make the right choices. And when all else fails, respecting the fact that they are ultimately the decision maker and only intervening when it’s absolutely necessary. The interesting thing is that it’s often my job to intervene. Taking away someone’s rights to make their own decisions isn’t something that’s enjoyable but it’s required. Life would be so much better for a lot of people if they took the time to think before making decisions that lead to actions when they are extremely sad, angry, or tired. But that won’t change anytime soon and as my colleagues say, I guess it’s the ultimate job security. 

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Self Care 

For the past few years I’ve been one to associate happiness with a geographical location. Namely foreign countries and the southern region of the United States. However, I think that that is also related to my occupation. From the moment that I say I’m a social worker the usual reaction is, “I could never do that, it’s such a hard job.” And I agree that it is. My undergraduate experience with social work was varied and included working with felons and patients on hospice. It was then when I had to work hands on with others when I discovered that people are a lot more complicated in real like than they are in textbooks. Thankfully, I had a very well rounded experience in college that gave a pretty accurate depiction of the field. I knew that I didn’t want the stereotypical job of a county caseworker and I wanted to focus more on the counseling side. Somehow I found my way to the mental health field and have stayed in some capacity ever since. The thing about mental health is that it is the opposite of predictable. It’s messy, it’s chaotic, it’s stressful and it’s real. But it’s also rewarding. However, it takes a lot out of you. I’ve heard stories that have been horrific and have talked to hundreds of individuals who are experiencing their own personal crisis. That’s why this field is so notorious for burn out and people who are so overwhelmed with their job responsibilities that they’ve given up completely. There are some days where I wish I could publish some of the stories I hear because truth is stranger than fiction. One of the best things about traveling is the physical distance between myself and the daily chaos I work in. It’s like a breath of fresh air and a chance to finally relax to some degree and not think about work related things. Self care at its finest. 

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What an Introvert Won’t Admit

I don’t typically post or write about introverts but this particular article was such a dead on representation of myself and other introverts I know, I had to comment/blog about it. You can read it here. Now, the list of things listed in the article makes so much sense to me. It also explains why I haven’t had a public birthday celebration in years. Now that doesn’t mean that I didn’t celebrate, it just means that I went on a trip instead. I remember trying to like everyone when I was younger and it didn’t really work out. I believe that all people deserve respect, kindness and fairness but I’m a firm believer that all people can’t be liked. I’ve worked with too many parents whose parenting choices I didn’t agree with. Or people so full of themselves that they refused to acknowledge the truth or anyone that spoke anything contrary to their own personal reality. The reality is that some people are hard to like. But back to the article. Getting stuff done is something that I have the ability to do. Granted, it doesn’t always happen because I’m easily bored but when push comes to shove I can focus and be productive. Of course it always helps when I’m facing an impending deadline. The article mentions small talk and I’m so glad that it does. Small talk has got to be one of the most annoying things created. I really don’t care for it and that’s why I put such an emphasis on building rapport and having conversations with actual depth with others. However, small talk is the way to more meaningful interactions and I’ll be buying a book in the near future and forcing myself to learn how to do it effectively despite my aversion to it. While I don’t know the exact split between introverts and their counterparts, I think that this article scarily accurate in describing what most introverts would never actually admit out loud. Interesting stuff.

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Hotel Chronicles 

Ever since I can remember I’ve liked staying in hotels. There’s something oddly comforting about an environment that puts and emphasis on hospitality. Not too long ago there was a snowstorm in my city and as a democracy of one I made the executive decision to get a hotel room because I’m considered essential personnel at my job and calling in because of weather isn’t really an option. As a nice gesture my hospital extended the invitation to staff  to stay on grounds in unoccupied rooms. However as someone who works 12 hour shifts, the last thing I want after working 12 hours is to spend that same amount of time at the same place until I work again. Not to mention that I like having physical distance between myself and my job. So getting the hotel room was an incredibly great decision and reminded me of all the reasons why I like staying in nice hotels. As I’ve mentioned many times, traveling is one of my hobbies and I admit, that staying in a hotel is probably one of the best parts of the experience. At first there was some hesitation that came with staying by myself in an unfamiliar city. However that fear was soon confronted after doing a solo trip to Miami by myself and going through the whole experience of booking and staying in a hotel on a total whim. Since then I’ve stayed in a lot of hotels and have had pretty good experiences. One experience that was pretty memorable was staying at a hotel in Paris. Like the true adventurer I am, my hotel was miles away from the tourist part or Paris and there weren’t many English speakers and the French didn’t appear to be particularly pro-American. The hotel room was markedly smaller than rooms in the US and was also significantly more expensive. You had to leave your room key at the front desk and pick it up so that there wasn’t a chance it would get stolen from you. However the view from my window appeared to be right out of some romance movie based in Paris. The thing I like about hotels is that they signify a separation between real like and vacation or business. It’s not your home and doesn’t feel like such but yet it is for however long you stay. There’s the expectation that you aren’t expected to do housekeeping duties and you are free to roam and return to a clean room regardless (within reason) of the state you left it in. Perhaps if I spent three months in a nice hotel I would change my mind. But who doesn’t like housekeeping services? 



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Feeling Confined

I’m the type of person who really hates feeling confined. I’m not a fan of small places and while they don’t evoke a panic-like reaction from me, I don’t go out my way to experience them. My parents attest to this fact by reporting I was an escape artist as a toddler. For some reason I hated my crib and would often raise my foot above my head to the guardrail and hoist myself over the railing and fall to the floor. Somehow I managed not to permanently injure myself as I escaped multiple times from my jail–I mean crib. Growing up and being homeschooled afforded me the ability to have a nice balance of structure and flexibility. I remember playing outside in our backyard one day in rural Alabama and  saying to my mother that we should go visit my grandparents in Michigan. She liked the idea and within about four hours we had embarked on the 17 hour roadtrip north. Totally unplanned and random. I personally know a lot of people who stay so tied to their to do list that they miss out on a lot.  Flexibility is a trait that can come in handy because it demonstrates an ability to think on your feet. I love structure and predictability but I’m also a firm believer in planned spontaneity. Those are scheduled times where I get to do whatever I want (within reason) without an agenda. I’m still in the process of finding a great balance of structure and planned spontaneity but I believe it can be found.  

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Assumptions and Conclusions

Like many people, sometimes my daily exercise regimen consists of jumping to conclusions. It’s not always done on purpose but it still happens nonetheless. Working in an environment that requires me to make good decisions in a short period of time means that many times I have to arrive at a conclusion taking the short cut to get there. We all have some assumptions or preconceived notions that we use often to clear up some space in our brain. While I’m not saying that these assumptions are always bad, it’s important to recognize they exist and to periodically evaluate their relevance. I once observed someone who appeared to be very standoffish. I think everyone knows at least one person who appears very proud and is frequently annoyed when they have to associate with “common” people. Now, this person also had a name that sounded entitled (another assumption). However, all my assumptions ended once I had a conversation with this individual and discovered that the opposite was true. They really weren’t stuck up and happened to be genuinely compassionate and caring. Assumptions are based on perceptions that may not necessarily be true. That’s why it’s important to take the time to challenge them because you could miss out on getting to know someone amazing because of your assumptions. 

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5 Ways to Deal With Your Feelings

I should make the disclaimer that I didn’t research this and I can’t claim that it came from empirical evidence. However, it’s been my personal experience as someone who has to address feelings pretty often.

1. Take a step back- So many times we act on emotion and we let the anger or the sadness or the loneliness dictate our behaviors. Learn to take a step back and evaluate the thought and feeling.
2. Get to the bottom of it- Are you mad at the world because you didn’t eat breakfast and feel cranky? Are the feelings coming from a perceived lack of adequacy for the challenge? Are you projecting your feelings from an unrelated situation?
3. Differentiate between rational and irrational- It’s easy to get yourself worked up because of an imaginary “what if” situation. Evaluate if your feelings are a result of fear for some event that might happen in the future. Wallowing in feelings of anger or sadness over what may occur is not the best use of emotional energy and will leave you drained.
4. Talk to someone- Granted, this is an option that is probably the most popular but talking to another rational and reasonably emotionally healthy human being can help you evaluate the relevance of your feelings. Remember that feelings are valid but sometimes they just aren’t relevant and you have to make hard decisions based on facts despite how you feel.
5. Distract yourself -I call it chewing gum for your mind. Take a break and do something else. Even if it’s as mundane as taking a nap or watching a reality tv show. There are plenty of things available that are somewhat productive that can take your mind off of it. However, it’s important to remember that sometimes you just need to feel while recognizing that it won’t be a feeling forever and will pass.