A million years ago when I was in college I had the opportunity to read a play that a fellow classmate wrote. She was (and still is) a super talented article and the play was somewhat biographical in nature. The story was centered around a guy and girl who were friends but the girl found herself catching feelings while realizing that the feeling wasn’t mutual. If I remember correctly, at the end of the story her guy friend ended up getting a girlfriend and the girl was left alone. The last words of the script were: “The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.” As I’ve grown older I’ve realized how true those words are. Like I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I’m a big fan of timing. I think that there are circumstances where people meet and they are very compatible with each other. They have similar interests and get along well and quickly discover that it’s easy to tolerate each other. However, despite all the ways that these two people are compatible, there is some glaring reason why something romantic and long term won’t work. It could be distance, family conflict, financial turmoil or something of the like that dictates the decisions made. The timing is all off and there’s nothing that either person can do about it. I think that situations such as those happen fairly frequently and while people can be right for each other, it may just not be the time. It’s almost like life plays a joke on you and you have no choice but to make the necessary adjustments. If there is chemistry but the timing is off, then ultimately it won’t work out. Not because someone is necessarily at fault or because of some glaring red flag but because the right person at the wrong time is (still) the wrong person.
Tag Archives: decisions
Milestones
It’s funny how fast time really flies despite the fact that it often seems that it is just creeping by. With all the graduations that go on in the month of May, I must admit that I felt a bit nostalgic as I thought about the few times that I’ve graduated from some program. However, today is semi-different as it marks four years since I graduated from college. The funny thing is that May 28th wasn’t the original date that was supposed to happen. Living in Alabama, severe weather usually occurred during tornado season. That year, there was a tornado that came through parts of North Alabama with some disastrous results. I remember my last class in undergrad (didn’t know it at the time) and how somehow it just felt so final. Around the time of finals a huge storm came through and left thousands (including me) without power. I must admit that living without electricity isn’t something that I particularly enjoy doing. A phone call made with my rapidly dying cell phone to my parents confirmed that they were enjoying 21st century living with hot water and electricity as the storm had missed them. Gas pumps weren’t working but thankfully I had a full tank of gas and slowly made my way to my parents house around downed power lines and hundreds of non-working stoplights. But I digress. Needless to say graduation was canceled (postponed) for two weeks. I remember the anticipation that led up to the day. It was the culmination of a LOT of hours of hard work, sweat, and tears. One thing that was reassuring was that I had a plan of what I was doing afterwards. I remember how hot the robe was and trying to concentrate as I marched so that I didn’t trip and fall. It was a very very long day that started around 6 in the morning and ended at 3am the next morning, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I saw so many family members and celebrated with them. I had my name announced all over the arena and got the diploma holder that represented almost $100,000 in money spent for education and the hope that this degree would ensure that I didn’t live in poverty for the next 5 decades. Reminiscing is great, but the real question is what has been accomplished since then? That’s a sobering thought.
Real Time and NASA
A while back I had a conversation with someone that I’ve known for a while and we were discussing their previous career aspirations. They spoke at length about the work that they had done in engineering with NASA. During the course of the conversation they mentioned how in this context, engineers and other relevant personnel knew the difference between “regular” time and real time. Regular time involved the somewhat present and the future. It wasn’t a critical matter and there was time to evaluation and make changes based on results and tests. Real time was totally different and focused on the here and now. Everything had to be squared away and had to run smoothly because it was mission-critical. A mistake at this point would have disastrous results and there wasn’t a chance to change or adjust because everything was happening in real time. It reminded me of life. We aren’t offered a dress rehearsal and there are no do-overs. Everything happens in real time. While we make mistakes, most of us try to make as few as possible because there can be lifelong repercussions from brief moments of stupidity. People die with regrets and so many people would make different choices if they only knew what the future consisted of. One of my new (lifelong) goals is to make more decisions in real time. Like a lot of people I know, I’m notorious for thinking and re-thinking even the smallest decision because I want to successfully separate the pros and the cons before I come to a conclusion. I’m not advocating for being really impulsive but I am saying that one thing I’ve learned (through life and also my job) is that your gut instinct is usually right. Sometimes you just know things and while there’s no way to articulate why or how, you just know. It’s in those situations I think we benefit and grow from going with our gut and not always succumbing to the urge to second guess, become anxious, or worry about something that was already decided. It’s then that we can make the decision to be ok with it and let the chips fall where they may because after all, life is lived on real time.
Hotel Chronicles
Ever since I can remember I’ve liked staying in hotels. There’s something oddly comforting about an environment that puts and emphasis on hospitality. Not too long ago there was a snowstorm in my city and as a democracy of one I made the executive decision to get a hotel room because I’m considered essential personnel at my job and calling in because of weather isn’t really an option. As a nice gesture my hospital extended the invitation to staff to stay on grounds in unoccupied rooms. However as someone who works 12 hour shifts, the last thing I want after working 12 hours is to spend that same amount of time at the same place until I work again. Not to mention that I like having physical distance between myself and my job. So getting the hotel room was an incredibly great decision and reminded me of all the reasons why I like staying in nice hotels. As I’ve mentioned many times, traveling is one of my hobbies and I admit, that staying in a hotel is probably one of the best parts of the experience. At first there was some hesitation that came with staying by myself in an unfamiliar city. However that fear was soon confronted after doing a solo trip to Miami by myself and going through the whole experience of booking and staying in a hotel on a total whim. Since then I’ve stayed in a lot of hotels and have had pretty good experiences. One experience that was pretty memorable was staying at a hotel in Paris. Like the true adventurer I am, my hotel was miles away from the tourist part or Paris and there weren’t many English speakers and the French didn’t appear to be particularly pro-American. The hotel room was markedly smaller than rooms in the US and was also significantly more expensive. You had to leave your room key at the front desk and pick it up so that there wasn’t a chance it would get stolen from you. However the view from my window appeared to be right out of some romance movie based in Paris. The thing I like about hotels is that they signify a separation between real like and vacation or business. It’s not your home and doesn’t feel like such but yet it is for however long you stay. There’s the expectation that you aren’t expected to do housekeeping duties and you are free to roam and return to a clean room regardless (within reason) of the state you left it in. Perhaps if I spent three months in a nice hotel I would change my mind. But who doesn’t like housekeeping services?
5 Ways to Deal With Your Feelings
I should make the disclaimer that I didn’t research this and I can’t claim that it came from empirical evidence. However, it’s been my personal experience as someone who has to address feelings pretty often.
1. Take a step back- So many times we act on emotion and we let the anger or the sadness or the loneliness dictate our behaviors. Learn to take a step back and evaluate the thought and feeling.
2. Get to the bottom of it- Are you mad at the world because you didn’t eat breakfast and feel cranky? Are the feelings coming from a perceived lack of adequacy for the challenge? Are you projecting your feelings from an unrelated situation?
3. Differentiate between rational and irrational- It’s easy to get yourself worked up because of an imaginary “what if” situation. Evaluate if your feelings are a result of fear for some event that might happen in the future. Wallowing in feelings of anger or sadness over what may occur is not the best use of emotional energy and will leave you drained.
4. Talk to someone- Granted, this is an option that is probably the most popular but talking to another rational and reasonably emotionally healthy human being can help you evaluate the relevance of your feelings. Remember that feelings are valid but sometimes they just aren’t relevant and you have to make hard decisions based on facts despite how you feel.
5. Distract yourself -I call it chewing gum for your mind. Take a break and do something else. Even if it’s as mundane as taking a nap or watching a reality tv show. There are plenty of things available that are somewhat productive that can take your mind off of it. However, it’s important to remember that sometimes you just need to feel while recognizing that it won’t be a feeling forever and will pass.
Power and Control
One thing I notice in relationships is the influence of power and control. The misuse of power and control in relationships is what makes them abusive in nature. Someone attempting and even succeeding at violating thee boundaries of their significant other through force or manipulation is an example of an extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. Power and control can also show up in other ways. I’ve also encountered it in the therapy room when I’ve worked with clients who are resistant. The whole thought behind power and control in this context is that people want to be in control of something. When their values or beliefs are challenged they immediately put up their guard and even subconsciously seek to manipulate the situation so that they remain in control at all times and they never have to change their faulty belief patterns. It’s the avoidance being honest with oneself and being in a vulnerable place. It’s almost like playing a game because as a therapist I’m trying to challenge them in a way that won’t make them defensive but will also be effective in helping them make necessary changes. Recently, I found myself in an unfamiliar environment where power and control dynamics came into play. I’m the type of person who likes to be in control at all times. Not necessarily in charge of what happens to me because I know that’s impossible, but I like being in my right mind (to a reasonable degree) without being impaired by various substances. I want the ability to exercise self control so that I don’t have to face the unpleasant consequences of a stupid and impulsive decision later on. That being said, this environment was very unfamiliar and out of my comfort zone. On paper it was a great opportunity to experience something new. However, it required a level of trust that I did not feel was warranted. So I did what any human who feels threatened in some way would do or would at least attempt–took power and control of the situation. While it was definitely an overreaction, I preferred it (at the time) to giving up power and control. It was a learning experience to be on the other side of a power and control dynamic where I was in a similar position to that of some of my clients and had to take action to remain in control. Interesting.
The Philanthropic Choice
I feel like giving a warning that this blog post will be somewhat off the wall. It’s the Christmas season and one of the things society seems to do is acknowledge and provide services for people they’ve ignored all year. We buy presents and volunteer our time to help the needy. Part of my job is working with kids who have come from abusive situations with different challenges and providing a variety of social work related services to them. In addition to the work done by staff, there are community members and volunteers who have stepped up to do great things for the kids. They’ve sacrificed their time and their resources to do something extra special for kids who may not have ever had someone care about them. And while some of these contributions come during the holiday season, others come throughout the year. Yesterday I had the chance to witness a community contribution to the kids. There was a group of local businessmen who wanted to do something special and buy gifts for all the kiddos. I’m going to take a quick break from the story to share an observation/insight. I don’t know if it’s the media or society in general, but we are really conditioned to associate masculinity with ginormous American-built trucks. A man who drives a Ford F-250 with an extended bed and a lift kit is miles ahead of the man saving the environment in a Toyota Prius. At least in certain regions of the country. Needless to say, the trucks they drove were of the aforementioned category. It would be unfair to the integrity of the story not to mention the fact that these businessmen appeared to be in their late 20’s early 30’s and were also very very extremely attractive (you get the point). But I digress. The trucks were filled with presents for the kids and every single kid got one. Many times in these situations the toys come as a result of a toy drive and aren’t necessarily specific to what the kid wanted. There’s also usually a price limit that while reasonable doesn’t always meet the wants of the kids. However these kids had all submitted a wish list and these guys had gone out and bought what the kids asked for. They were not cheap gifts. Jordan’s, huge toy sets, electronics, and $100 gift cards were among the gifts given to the kids. It was wonderful to see the kids faces light up with joy as they got what they had asked for. It was just as fun for the guys giving out the gifts. I’m reminded of the reasons why philanthropy is so important. Giving of yourself is great, but you can also have a significant impact when you have the monetary means to help as well. I don’t know how many times I’ve wished I could give to a particular cause or wish that I’ve had more to give to a particular cause. That being said, I want to have the means to not only set up my kids to be in a great financial position but also to make a sustainable difference in the lives of others. Getting a building named after you is good, but we can’t forget the importance of investing in people. That wasn’t off the wall at all.
Rolling with Ambivalence
Lately, I’ve been dealing with some marked moments of ambivalence. I am the type of person who likes systematic and also logical conclusions to challenges that arise. As much as I thrive in an “on the fly” environment, I’d much rather use my energy and time preparing and already having a plan that will immediately go into effect when a crisis arises. Not too long ago, I posted an article that discussed the rise in ambivalent relationships. I’m learning that I struggle with having meaningful and close relationships with people who are always ambivalent. It’s not that they’re bad people, it’s just that my time is wasted as they go back and forth about making a small decision. I personally like having plenty of time to make decisions. I like to sleep on it and to analyze the decision from all sides before I come to a conclusion. However, when the need arises, I can also make split second decisions and be ok with that. Ambivalence is all around us and I see it on a regular basis in my job as a therapist. While someone may say that they want to change, they still refuse to make the necessary changes in their life. This can be frustrating on the part of both the client and the therapist. It’s hard to help someone who can’t even define what they want. It’s even harder to help someone who refuses to change unless all conditions are just right. I’ve learned that many times people in places of ambivalence don’t want your help. They want to be noticed. This presents a challenge that can be frustrating due to the fact that you can’t make anyone’s decisions for them. They have to be personally invested in the process 100% before any true and lasting work can be done.
Overruling emotion
I’ve heard a saying that said you should never make a major decision when you’re very sad or very happy. While this sometimes can’t be avoided, I can’t help but think that there is some truth to the words of this picture. How many times have rash decisions been made in the heat of a moment that changed someone’s life. In lieu of the events and protests that have happened in the last few months, maybe it would be a good start to plan before pursuing and to work toward systemic change by engaging and creating dialogue between affected parties.
Stop stalling
I love this quote because it reminds us that we are the company that we keep. That means that sometimes it’s necessary to be really picky about who we let have unrestricted access to us. We live with the consequences of the choices we made in friends and sometimes that means making the hard decision to end a friendship because it’s no longer beneficial.
Alisha's Angle 