Kelly Price put out a song by this particular name and in this song she describes being in a relationship with a man who is addictive. She knows that he’s toxic but she goes through withdrawals when she isn’t around him. I know a LOT of people in a similar situation. They are a self-proclaimed “himaholic” or a “heraholic.” (Definitely just made up a word). But honestly, some people are just addictive–whether it’s in a good way or a bad way. It’s like you get so invested in them that you can’t get yourself back and it gets really hard to separate the two. If there was ever a Himaholics Anonymous it would be full of the stories of woe from women who got caught in vicious cycles of believing that they would change someone and then realizing that they could not but still returning to him because he was addictive. I remember someone once telling me that every human being is attracted to dysfunction on some level. While I won’t debate the truth of this statement, I can honestly say that I’ve seen a lot of examples. Himaholics and heraholics do exist. They are our friends, family, and sometimes even ourselves. There is not a tried and true proven way to get out of a relationship that isn’t good for you. Sometimes you just have to go cold turkey and tough it out until the addictive cycle is over. Not necessarily the most comfortable choice, but definitely a good decision in the long run.
Category Archives: What I Think
The other side of lonely
Loneliness has been a companion for me during the past few years. Partly due to my personality and partly due to circumstances. It’s commonly thought one’s loneliest times occur in sadness and hardship. When you’re going though a lot and there’s not an encouraging word or a should to vent and cry on. As someone who has experienced this, I can attest to this feeling and it is indeed pretty darn lonely. However, there’s a different kind of loneliness that I experience from time to time. It’s not as easy to explain because the circumstances are different and it hurts differently. This loneliness occurs whenever I accomplish something or reach a milestone in my life. I actually had the distinct pleasure of experiencing it this past week. This particular type of loneliness stems not from sadness but from happiness. I’m 23 and I’ve been super super blessed/lucky/fortunate to be able to accomplish many of my professional goals. Bachelor’s,Master’s, Post-graduate, etc. But with each of these accomplishments I feel the absence of a significant other pretty acutely. A person who has seen all my hard work and can be happy for me with the informed perspective of someone who has witnessed the challenges I’ve faced on the way to get where I wanted. And while it genuinely sucks to feel the absence of something like that so acutely, I’ve almost gotten used to it. I say “almost” because its not something I’ll ever be ok with but it’s my life. While I do stay in my feelings at times, I also know how to self-regulate and pull myself out. A skill that’s probably due to countless hours of CBT class. I say all that to say that sometimes it’s harder being happier alone than it is being sad. At least in my experience.
I think I’m the one
I’ve never been 100% down with the I’m-good-by-myself-and-I-don’t-need-a-man movement. However, I think that hanging your entire life on the idea that one day you’ll meet someone who fulfills your every want and need and will love you unconditionally forever is incredibly stupid. Notice I said ENTIRE life. We all have dreams and goals and having a significant other is likely to be one of them. I have heard numerous women talk about “him.” How “he” is going to find them and pay for everything, put them in a Benz or a Beamer, and love them. This picture made me laugh but also made me think at the same time. It’s important to know who you are and what you like. That way, if you get screwed over in a relationship and find yourself single again, you won’t have to start from scratch and re-find your identity. Just saying….
Strategic procrastination
I’m not going to lie, I can be lazy at times. I like to call it “strategic procrastination.” However, I agree with this picture because few good things come out of laziness. I think of laziness as doing absolutely nothing but strategic procrastination means that I just take a break and come back. Both require zero effort but only one is congruent with hard work and getting things done.
Decisions, decisions
In the past few days I have been presented, or rather challenged with a big decision. I’m usually pretty good at making decisions. I have my own method of looking at the pros and cons and then coming to a conclusion. Once I make a decision, I rarely change my mind because I’ve already done the leg work. The reason why this particular decision is so hard is because it is indicative of a battle between my emotional side and my rational/logical side. I’ve found that the hardest decisions happen when you have to decide between what you want and what you need. This is especially hard for me because I have always been someone who put responsibility and duty over convenience or feelings. I know that making one decisions will be really good for my mental health and general state of well being but it will cost me a huge chunk of my career goals and will mess up my entire five-year plan. Yeah, making a decision based on my emotional side would make me happy. But is life really about happiness? The truth is that I’ve spent so much time working towards my career and abandoning it would be a huge waste. It all comes down to how bad I want it and how much I’m willing to sacrifice to get it. Hard questions. But at the end of the day, I can’t make a huge decision based on my emotions because even they are subject to change. I may not want to make a decision but I NEED to. Plus, maybe I’ll be able to pinpoint a place where I’ll get the best of both worlds. Until then, I’ll just hang out in the valley of decision for a little while.
Be Ok–Chrisette Michele
I’m a music enthusiast. Point blank. Growing up, I was exposed to many different types of music and I had the chance to learn about some of the technicalities of music through my years of piano lessons. All that aside, this song has quickly become one of my favorites. I think of it as the “I will survive” song of the 21st century. Chrisette’s voice is so unique and I love how the words fits the music. Listen carefully and you’ll notice that when the chorus starts, there’s a deliberate shift in the notes as opposed to the verses. Chrisette is making a declaration and proclaiming that she’ll be ok–despite feeling hurt. This song is probably one of the best “get over him” songs that’s been made in a LONG time and I like it because it’s catchy and also can be applied to so many other life situations. Plus, it’s just well written.
My Heart Condition (Cardiomegaly)
I think I may suffer from Cardiomegaly. Not in the physical sense, but definitely emotionally. For those of you who may not have wikipedia nearby, Cardiomegaly is when the heart is enlarged and it can be caused by a variety of different things including tumors, anemia, and cocaine use. I think my heart may actually be too big and that realization is coming to me slowly but pretty surely. I’m the kind of person who will go above and beyond the call of duty for someone that is close to me. While I’ve gotten better with sticking to boundaries, I still will bend over backwards to help someone I consider part of my family (immediate, close, or adopted). Now this is actually a good thing. I can be counted on and I’m loyal to a fault. HOWEVER, the bad part about this is that if I legitimately care about someone. I’ll still be inconvenienced and sacrifice enormously despite the fact that they 1. Don’t care about me back 2. Don’t know that I’m actually being inconvenienced and 3. Have not given me ANY indication that they’re about to care about me. As a therapist, one of the things that I talk about all the time with my clients is the importance of sticking to your boundaries and being with people that appreciate you. I first noticed this enlarged heart condition when I was a little kid and I could empathize with people and cry when someone started crying just because I was sad that they were sad. To this day, I still occasionally do that. It’s a good thing to care about people and to be genuinely interested in their welfare. But it’s another thing to care to the point that it’s at your own personal expense and the other person remains oblivious to your caring. This has happened to me more times than I would care to count. But, it’s something that I am actually aware of and despite the fact that caring too much continually screws me over, I’ve gotten used to it. It’s painful and involves a lot of emotions but it’s who I am. It’s uncomfortable and almost always inconvenient but it’s familiar. So many people talk about how they want their hearts to soften but I could probably benefit from a little hardening. As someone told me this week, “caring a lot about other people can be both a blessing and a curse.” And who knows, maybe caring too much will one day work in my favor instead of working against me.
Oh! The Irony!
Lately I’ve had some of THE absolute most ironic moments of my adult life. They come when I least expect it and I’m usually super surprised and taken aback. One of the reasons why I love ironic moments because it’s an opportunity to laugh instead of get upset at something that is out of my control. Being a control freak, it’s very hard for me to accept that occasionally things happen that I have not planned and that I do not have control over. Irony also gives me the opportunity to re-evaluate my thoughts toward the specific event or situation. It challenges my thought patterns and reminds me that sometimes I take myself way too seriously. I’ve found that it’s a lot easier to laugh at something than to cry tears of disappointment because once again, something did not go my way. What are the odds of me writing the vaguest comment directed toward a certain situation on a social media site and the person in the situation I’m commenting on actually responds– not knowing that the status was actually indirectly related to them. But the truth of the matter is that I can’t stop ironic situations from occurring. I can only make the decision to laugh about it. Life’s too short to be perpetually sad and upset.
My Only Competition
So many times we compare ourselves to others and we see ourselves in competition with others. I’m a competitive person and I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. I want to win at all costs. I don’t like losing and I do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. While I am competitive, I know that my biggest competition is myself. I can’t compare myself to others because they aren’t me. At the end of the day, we all have to live with the decisions we make. I have to remember to not worry about what other people are doing and to focus on what I need to do. I’m competing against my doubts, memories of failures, and thoughts that I can’t accomplish my goals. Because at the end of the day, I have to compete with myself and win. And I will.
Excellence is never an accident
I feel like I’ve been exposed to multiple speakers and actual people who have been talking about being successful and being a leader lately. This has happened multiple times per week and has come from a variety of different sources. One thing that has really hit me these past few weeks is the fact that excellence doesn’t happen by accident. Greatness is a product of intentional decisions made over a span of time. I’ve heard people say that who you really are is determined by the sum total of your day to day decisions. The truth is that while we all may not be in the same place, we all have the same 24 hours to be successful. One of my pet peeves is when people don’t respect my time. The reason for this is because time=opportunity and I could be doing something more worthwhile than waiting on people. That being said, I think that it’s so easy to become trapped in the familiar. Change is hard and making the changes to become an exceptional and successful individual is even harder. If it was easy, more people would do it. But I want to challenge you (as I’m challenging myself). To look for opportunities around you and to pick something to do each day that is directly relevant to where you want to be in life long-term. Carpe diem!
Alisha's Angle 