I feel like I need to make a disclaimer that I am writing this on 0 hours of sleep so my attempts to proofread before posting will likely be futile due to exhaustion and the magnetic force of sleep. First off, this article pretty much exactly captures my beliefs on texting. As a child of the technology age, I will be the first to admit that texting is definitely a time saver. Who wants to spend ten minutes in a conversation when you can convey your thoughts in ten seconds? I remember getting charged money (probably five cents or so) in order to send and receive text messages. It really made me consider and think twice about who I was texting. My whole point is that somewhere along the way we’ve lost the human connection. Texting someone who you know well is different than texting someone you just met due to the fact that there is already an established relationship between you and your friend. You are aware of the nuances that come along with how he or she phrases their sentences. It’s so much easier to read between the lines because you know what they are trying to say and what they actually mean. I recently had the most unpleasant experience of having an extremely awkward conversation via phone. I was talking to this individual who shall remain nameless, and I felt at a loss. I remember thinking to myself that this individual must be an avid texter because they just could not talk. And by saying this, I mean that they did not have the art of holding a conversation–at least over the phone. Being a therapist, I’m pretty good at asking questions that invite people to open up and to tell me what is really going on in their lives. However, asking questions to this person was akin to pulling teeth. Slowly. Without anesthesia. Most annoying thing ever. I would ask a question and the answer would be non relevant to the question. The information that I was able to gather was confirmation that this individual’s number would soon be collecting dust in my phone so I simply acted on the inevitable and deleted the number after that first conversation. Plus, this person did not know me well so I was not as concerned about building rapport. I just wanted a decent conversation but it was not to be. While I am definitely more of a fan of texting than calling, there comes a time where you just need to pick up the phone and call someone. There are few feelings as great as having a great face to face or phone conversation. You just don’t get that through text messaging. So take some time to give some people an actual call. Build your communication skill-set. Just remember that you miss a lot when you text so take some time and give some old friends a call instead of texting them.
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You don’t have to be……
Occasionally, I come across videos on youtube that I feel just need to be shared for the sole purpose of bringing a smile to the face of another. This one I found fairly amusing. Ms. Patricia seems to be trying to convey a message to the young women of the world regarding their choices of male companions. It seems obvious that she wants to be relevant hence the background music as she twirls and sashays while communicating her message. I couldn’t help but wonder if this message was life-changing for some poor soul who really didn’t know that she did not have to personally identify as a gardening tool. I’m sure that Ms. Patricia’s motives for making this video came from a genuine place of concern for the welfare of others and a desire to appeal to the youth. However her methods were flawed. Quite flawed.
Attaching Securely
There’s this theory in the counseling world about attachment. The basic premise of this theory is that our relationships with others are a result of our first relationships with our primary caregivers. This goes all the way back to being a newborn. Babies are conditioned to cry in order to get their needs met. The process of crying and then having someone come to their aid reinforces the fact that they are safe and that someone will care for them. When a baby is ignored for long periods of time and his or her basic needs are not adequately met, either the baby becomes really clingy or the baby can stop crying and withdraw. It’s funny how you can see the same behavior in adults when they feel that their needs are not being met. What all this means is that people can find themselves in emotional distress due to not having a secure attachment with their primary caregiver when younger or even not having a secure attachment when they are adults. A secure attachment is when you are securely connected to someone (usually a significant other) who you can trust and allow yourself to be vulnerable with. The whole idea is that if you have a secure attachment you won’t be as concerned about what others think about you because you have at least one person in your life who means a lot to you and is 100% supportive of you. It took me taking an actual class about this to realize that I don’t have a secure attachment with anyone right now. Definitely not the greatest news to discover as a therapist but it wasn’t a huge surprise. And while that is something that I’d like to change, I’m not quite sure if I want it to change. I’ve mentioned the “three year rule” in a previous post and that would definitely come into play as far as me having a secure attachment. I’m not necessarily upset about that, but I’m not ok with it as well. However, that’s where I am for the time being and it’s going to take me being super deliberate in order to change that.
Bumming Around
These past few weeks or so I’ve had the wonderful privilege of having a relaxed schedule due to some fairly unforeseen circumstances. I can’t even explain how nice it is to look at my calendar and see days where there isn’t anything scheduled. While I like to be busy, I also do not mind not being busy. Maybe it’s the fact that earlier this year I was balancing two jobs, two schools, and a pretty decent client load. As nice as it is to be needed, sometimes it’s just as nice to not be needed. It’s been nice having somewhat of a break and it’s made me realize the importance of taking time out to actually rest, create a strategy, and decompress. Up to this point I’ve managed to escape the 9-5 40 hour workweek that so many people do. However, it’s about time for me to point my career in that direction–at least for a while. As much as I like doing my own thing, I also like being able to pay my bills on time. I could so totally be a housewife if given the opportunity. But somehow I know that I probably wouldn’t be so happy having that occupation for decades. I definitely need to make use of this $200,000 + education. Get some of that money back and recoup my investment. It’s nice to take a break but I’m also taking steps to start to fill up my schedule again and (gasp) actually probably give the 9-5 thing a shot. Thankfully there are already several things in motion, but until then I’m going to enjoy the privilege of midday naps.
Rejection thoughts
Rejection sucks. Point blank. Having experienced a fairly significant portion of it in several aspects of my life this week, I’m reminded once again why I hate it so much. It’s a hard reminder that you can’t control everything in your life and that things just happen. It’s even worse when feelings get involved and you’ve been involved in multiple rejections. Rejection can make you more self reflective but you can also experience frustration, anger, and sadness as a result of it. I think that we feel rejection more acutely when we have been optimistic in hoping the situation would turn out the way we wanted it to. But at the end of the day, life goes on regardless. It’s crazy to live life through the lens of what should have or could have happened. Rejection is an opportunity for one to grow stronger in the face of adversity and I’m taking that opportunity.
It’s all talk
We all know people with good intentions. They make elaborate plans and make promises that sound good. However they NEVER. FOLLOW. THROUGH. Back in the day, someone’s word meant something. When they said it, you could count on it. You knew that they would follow through and do what they said. Their actions would match their words. In this day and age, following through is a nice concept but rarely ever happens. People make promises all the time that are broken quicker than they were made. Expectations have lowered as well. Learn to recognize the people around you who never follow through and don’t put high expectations on them. Surround yourself with people whose actions match their words. You’ll avoid a lot of frustration and disappointment.
Re-evaluation
So many times it’s easy to get caught up in the mundane. We do things out of habit without taking the time to think about what we really want in life. Or maybe we haven’t taken the time to even think about what we want. Life is what happens when you least expect it. However, many times we spend the majority of our time in reaction and survival mode instead of planning mode. But what if we were able to take a time out from life? What if the reason why we never make 5 or 10 year plans is because we don’t take the time to reflect on what we want to accomplish in life and what is really important? Why not take some time this week to re-evaluate where you are in life? You might discover something new.
Fear vs. Courage
I read something not too long ago that said fear is a reaction but courage is a decision. I agree with this statement because I think that fear can sometimes be an emotion we can’t avoid. I daresay that every human being at some point in his or her life has experienced some genuine fear. Fear can also be a state of mind. We all know someone who operates under the umbrella of “what if?” They put their life on pause and continually worry about what needs to be done and what could possible happen to derail their plans. Courage on the other hand, takes a lot of guts. I don’t think that genuine courage comes easy. I think that it comes with time and with some experience. Courage to go against the norm and to pursue something different is rare these days. I think that it’s so easy to be swept away into the “group think” mentality and to forget how important it is to have courage and to try something new. Take the time to do something courageous that you’ve never done before. Get in the habit of facing your fears–not because it’s fun, but because it will help you to grow as a person.
Don’t be a Tryer
I saw this picture posted on Facebook and it made me think. First of all, is “tryer” really a word? I can already see some children’s show character singing to children “be a tryer.” But are tryers really winners? Obviously you have to try in order to win or you’ll lose by default. But I don’t think that the action of trying automatically makes you a winner. I heard someone say that people are not remembered for what they avoided, but for what they’ve overcome. Being a tryer puts you ahead of the non-tryers but it doesn’t guarantee success. Nobody remembers who came in 6th, they remember who won. Being a tryer is a good thing, but you can’t get caught up in the fact that you tried. Make greatness a goal because tryers aren’t winners, but winners are tryers.
Something vs. Someone
There’s a huge difference between wanting something and someone. I think that a lot of times it’s easy to group both of these things in the same category. It’s our human nature to want what we don’t currently have. It’s easy, convenient, and can be a reflection of who we truly are inside. However, wanting an inanimate or a tangible object–even to accomplish a certain goal is very different from wanting a person. When you want something, you can work towards it. You can take the necessary steps needed to acquire what you want. Not the same with a person. When you’re dealing with a person, you are dealing not only with them but their background, values, and even their environment. Despite all your best efforts, you can’t make anyone “belong” to you. You can’t scheme around that. If you don’t meet their definition of attractiveness/beauty, you’re pretty much attempting to row upstream without a paddle. It’s easier to plan to get something and to execute the plan than to execute the same plan with a person. There’s too many variables out of your control when you’re dealing with another person. The odds are rarely ever in your favor.
Alisha's Angle 