A while back I had a conversation with someone that I’ve known for a while and we were discussing their previous career aspirations. They spoke at length about the work that they had done in engineering with NASA. During the course of the conversation they mentioned how in this context, engineers and other relevant personnel knew the difference between “regular” time and real time. Regular time involved the somewhat present and the future. It wasn’t a critical matter and there was time to evaluation and make changes based on results and tests. Real time was totally different and focused on the here and now. Everything had to be squared away and had to run smoothly because it was mission-critical. A mistake at this point would have disastrous results and there wasn’t a chance to change or adjust because everything was happening in real time. It reminded me of life. We aren’t offered a dress rehearsal and there are no do-overs. Everything happens in real time. While we make mistakes, most of us try to make as few as possible because there can be lifelong repercussions from brief moments of stupidity. People die with regrets and so many people would make different choices if they only knew what the future consisted of. One of my new (lifelong) goals is to make more decisions in real time. Like a lot of people I know, I’m notorious for thinking and re-thinking even the smallest decision because I want to successfully separate the pros and the cons before I come to a conclusion. I’m not advocating for being really impulsive but I am saying that one thing I’ve learned (through life and also my job) is that your gut instinct is usually right. Sometimes you just know things and while there’s no way to articulate why or how, you just know. It’s in those situations I think we benefit and grow from going with our gut and not always succumbing to the urge to second guess, become anxious, or worry about something that was already decided. It’s then that we can make the decision to be ok with it and let the chips fall where they may because after all, life is lived on real time.
Tag Archives: friends
My $100 mistake
I’ll be the first to admit that my spending habits are not always as disciplined the way that they should be. This story happened about two years ago so it’s not super recent but it was a very valuable learning experience. Anyway, one of the things that I’ve come to enjoy are comedy shows because I like humor. Anyway, I was at a comedy show and I got an SOS message from a somewhat close acquaintance asking me to call them as soon as possible. Now, because it wasn’t from a member of my immediate family or close circle I decided to wait until after the show to call the person back. So I did. Thinking that it was some big emergency I called as soon the show was over somewhat concerned. The emergency was the fact that this person wanted to borrow some money from me. Now, when that happens the answer is usually a straight “no.” I hate mixing money with friends and acquaintances and usually will just give it away and not worry about it instead of wrecking a relationship. I don’t think that it’s worth the hassle of lending it out. Now, it wasn’t an obscene amount of money—about a hundred and a half (ish). It was for a good cause and they promised to pay me back the next week. However intuition, common sense, and intelligence were screaming “don’t do it!!!” But, to be honest I was at a point in my life where I was still searching for reasons to have faith in humanity. I guess it was a personal thing. I wanted to trust that this person had good intentions despite the fact that I had known them for a few short months. So, I said yes. Against my better judgment and trying to have faith in humanity and taking a risk. Second mistake in this fiasco was that I let this person use my debit card for the transaction that they so desperately needed. Well, not my actual card but I gave them all the appropriate numbers deciding to trust that they were trustworthy. So the next day I awoke to a text message that informed me that this person had “accidentally” charged $100 more than I had authorized on my card. Being that it was a debit card, the money was already gone from my account. It was then that I found out that the money was actually for this person’s friend who (ironically) I actually knew personally. It was then that my feelings toward the situation gravitated towards significant irritation and annoyance. Mostly at the fact that there was a more noticeable lack of funds in my bank account due to my own stupidity and not making a smart decision. Needless to say, I was only reimbursed the original amount which left me $100 poorer and it was a bad situation all around. Lesson learned. I guess the icing on the cake was a few unauthorized charges that appeared a few months later on my account totaling about $200 that required the freezing of my account and the issuing of a difference card with the accompanying stress. Faith in humanity substantially shaken. They say an ounce of experience is more than a pint of advice and I certainly learned a lesson.
Missing Home
Growing up, Easter was always a special time of year. Not because of bunnies and rabbits or because of some of the religious traditions of Holy Week but because of Alumni Weekend. The time where my family and I made the relatively short trip to Alabama for the weekend. As a homeschooled kid, these trips were good great for seeing how “regular” kids were and just taking in the sights that only come with a large gathering of thousands. This trip was made every year without fail. Through multiple kids and carting strollers up and down stadium steps, my parents adapted and made it work. My family didn’t celebrate Easter however many family members made it a point to be present this weekend. From aunts, uncles, and extended cousins to people we considered family, it was like a huge yearly reunion. From childhood to adolescence to adulthood, this weekend is the second time in my life (the first being three years ago) that I’ve missed this event. I’ve attended as a grandchild and child of students who attended, as a student myself and then as a student who graduated. The routine is always the same with the exception of little adjustments. This weekend I’m feeling especially homesick as I’m missing the feeling of being in the familiar environment in which I spent 21 years or so of my life. It’s a habit that has become a tradition I don’t like to deviate from. It is a family reunion of sorts–especially considering the fact that I don’t go to my actual family reunions. Everyone doesn’t have the chance to go to a college where their grandparents and parents, cousins and other extended family members either taught at or attended. I had an awesome college experience and while I didn’t believe when people said that college is the best years of your life, I believe it now. Not that there’s nothing to look forward to but there’s something special about living for four years with people you’ve grown up with and known for years and bonding over mutual experiences. I won’t live that close to that many friends at any point in my life again. Adulthood has happened and I have to adjust accordingly. I’m a fan of new adventures but sometimes it’s nice to visit where you grew up and catch up with old friends. There’s no place like home and today I miss my college one.
What an Introvert Won’t Admit
I don’t typically post or write about introverts but this particular article was such a dead on representation of myself and other introverts I know, I had to comment/blog about it. You can read it here. Now, the list of things listed in the article makes so much sense to me. It also explains why I haven’t had a public birthday celebration in years. Now that doesn’t mean that I didn’t celebrate, it just means that I went on a trip instead. I remember trying to like everyone when I was younger and it didn’t really work out. I believe that all people deserve respect, kindness and fairness but I’m a firm believer that all people can’t be liked. I’ve worked with too many parents whose parenting choices I didn’t agree with. Or people so full of themselves that they refused to acknowledge the truth or anyone that spoke anything contrary to their own personal reality. The reality is that some people are hard to like. But back to the article. Getting stuff done is something that I have the ability to do. Granted, it doesn’t always happen because I’m easily bored but when push comes to shove I can focus and be productive. Of course it always helps when I’m facing an impending deadline. The article mentions small talk and I’m so glad that it does. Small talk has got to be one of the most annoying things created. I really don’t care for it and that’s why I put such an emphasis on building rapport and having conversations with actual depth with others. However, small talk is the way to more meaningful interactions and I’ll be buying a book in the near future and forcing myself to learn how to do it effectively despite my aversion to it. While I don’t know the exact split between introverts and their counterparts, I think that this article scarily accurate in describing what most introverts would never actually admit out loud. Interesting stuff.
Assumptions and Conclusions
Like many people, sometimes my daily exercise regimen consists of jumping to conclusions. It’s not always done on purpose but it still happens nonetheless. Working in an environment that requires me to make good decisions in a short period of time means that many times I have to arrive at a conclusion taking the short cut to get there. We all have some assumptions or preconceived notions that we use often to clear up some space in our brain. While I’m not saying that these assumptions are always bad, it’s important to recognize they exist and to periodically evaluate their relevance. I once observed someone who appeared to be very standoffish. I think everyone knows at least one person who appears very proud and is frequently annoyed when they have to associate with “common” people. Now, this person also had a name that sounded entitled (another assumption). However, all my assumptions ended once I had a conversation with this individual and discovered that the opposite was true. They really weren’t stuck up and happened to be genuinely compassionate and caring. Assumptions are based on perceptions that may not necessarily be true. That’s why it’s important to take the time to challenge them because you could miss out on getting to know someone amazing because of your assumptions.
Why I Hate Internet Dating
Ever since I was in college, one of my few occasional internet surfing activities have included browsing the Craigslist personal ads. I’ve never responded to one but they have been very interesting. Over the years I’ve learned the lingo and what the abbreviations mean. I often wonder what brings people to the point that they decide that true love might be found through the personal ads on Craigslist. Which, by the way is also proof of the fact that most of the country does not know how to write a decent sounding sentence. The way people write these days is nothing short of atrocious. But I digress. I’m not going to lie, I admire their optimism because despite the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic, I’ve seen one too many Catfish episodes where it did not turn out nicely. It’s one thing to meet someone in person and then continue the interactions via social media and other web-based means of communication. It’s a totally different thing to have no point of reference and start a serious relationship based on the understanding that the other person is who they say they are. It’s a huge gamble that doesn’t always turn out the way that you want. Just last night I was watching a Catfish episode where a girl was asking Nev and Max to help her finally meet her FIANCE’ in person because all their interactions had been online. Turns out, the fiance’ was a fake profile and phone number created by her best friend to help her get through a rough patch in her life. Talk about a let down. The thing is that all that emotional pain was avoidable. I know that internet dating has begun to rise in popularity and that it’s a great alternative for a lot of people. But I still strongly prefer face to face interaction. It’s easy to hide crazy behind a screen but it’s harder in person. It’s said by some that during the first few dates you’re seeing someone’s “representative” because they are trying their hardest to impress you and to put their best foot forward. I think that this process is dragged out much longer than necessary when exchanges only happen online. It’s not impossible to find true love online. I know people who are in very successful relationships as a result of online dating. I just don’t care for it.
Power and Control
One thing I notice in relationships is the influence of power and control. The misuse of power and control in relationships is what makes them abusive in nature. Someone attempting and even succeeding at violating thee boundaries of their significant other through force or manipulation is an example of an extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. Power and control can also show up in other ways. I’ve also encountered it in the therapy room when I’ve worked with clients who are resistant. The whole thought behind power and control in this context is that people want to be in control of something. When their values or beliefs are challenged they immediately put up their guard and even subconsciously seek to manipulate the situation so that they remain in control at all times and they never have to change their faulty belief patterns. It’s the avoidance being honest with oneself and being in a vulnerable place. It’s almost like playing a game because as a therapist I’m trying to challenge them in a way that won’t make them defensive but will also be effective in helping them make necessary changes. Recently, I found myself in an unfamiliar environment where power and control dynamics came into play. I’m the type of person who likes to be in control at all times. Not necessarily in charge of what happens to me because I know that’s impossible, but I like being in my right mind (to a reasonable degree) without being impaired by various substances. I want the ability to exercise self control so that I don’t have to face the unpleasant consequences of a stupid and impulsive decision later on. That being said, this environment was very unfamiliar and out of my comfort zone. On paper it was a great opportunity to experience something new. However, it required a level of trust that I did not feel was warranted. So I did what any human who feels threatened in some way would do or would at least attempt–took power and control of the situation. While it was definitely an overreaction, I preferred it (at the time) to giving up power and control. It was a learning experience to be on the other side of a power and control dynamic where I was in a similar position to that of some of my clients and had to take action to remain in control. Interesting.
Homie-hood
Recently, I’ve come across a relationship situation that doesn’t quit fit the “just friends” category that we like to put platonic male and female relationships into. It’s not the friend zone where there’s a decided lack of interest on one side. It’s more complicated that that. I like to call it being in the homie-hood. In this case, you are not thousands of miles away from a romantic relationship, you’re actually in the neighborhood. However there’s is a deliberate sense of ambivalence being in a homie-hood. There has never been an understanding as to where the relationship stands so both people have the liberty of drawing their own conclusions around the interactions that happen between the two of them. They don’t take the time to have a conversation about the status of the relationship. There’s an unspoken rule that at the very least, both people are cool with each other. At this point neither will admit that they are playing the song and dance of a relationship without any of the commitment or labels that might come from a more deliberate decision to pursue a romantic relationship. There are no rules and all the lines are blurred. While this leaves a lot of room for misunderstandings, both people decide that it’s not worth rocking the boat over it. While you know when you’ve been friendzoned, the homie-hood sort of just happens. There’s no warning and no definite communication. It’s a sea of grey; which means that all things are open for personal interpretation because neither party will clarify. It may seem better than the friendzone but in reality it’s a place uncertainty because there’s a lack of communication and an understanding that there is an “understanding.” This is in spite of the fact that neither party has actually defined anything or discussed expectations. It’s a friendship that has the potential for something more but floats along in the sea of possibilities without dropping an anchor.
Stop stalling
I love this quote because it reminds us that we are the company that we keep. That means that sometimes it’s necessary to be really picky about who we let have unrestricted access to us. We live with the consequences of the choices we made in friends and sometimes that means making the hard decision to end a friendship because it’s no longer beneficial.
Right There
I don’t know if I can call myself an Ariana Grande fan but I must say that every single song of hers that I’ve listened to I’ve liked. This one is one of my favorites. Along with a really catchy melody, it’s easy to harmonize to this song as she sings about her commitment to a relationship. Realistically, people change, but I can appreciate her sentimental “best case scenario” promises. Relationship songs that use the words “always” and “never” always pique my interest because I feel like many times relationships have a lot of gray areas. Regardless, I like the song. It’s so optimistic and promising.
Alisha's Angle 