Category Archives: Advice

by

Rolling with Ambivalence

Lately, I’ve been dealing with some marked moments of ambivalence. I am the type of person who likes systematic and also logical conclusions to challenges that arise. As much as I thrive in an “on the fly” environment, I’d much rather use my energy and time preparing and already having a plan that will immediately go into effect when a crisis arises. Not too long ago, I posted an article that discussed the rise in ambivalent relationships. I’m learning that I struggle with having meaningful and close relationships with people who are always ambivalent. It’s not that they’re bad people, it’s just that my time is wasted as they go back and forth about making a small decision. I personally like having plenty of time to make decisions. I like to sleep on it and to analyze the decision from all sides before I come to a conclusion. However, when the need arises, I can also make split second decisions and be ok with that. Ambivalence is all around us and I see it on a regular basis in my job as a therapist. While someone may say that they want to change, they still refuse to make the necessary changes in their life. This can be frustrating on the part of both the client and the therapist. It’s hard to help someone who can’t even define what they want. It’s even harder to help someone who refuses to change unless all conditions are just right. I’ve learned that many times people in places of ambivalence don’t want your help. They want to be noticed. This presents a challenge that can be frustrating due to the fact that you can’t make anyone’s decisions for them. They have to be personally invested in the process 100% before any true and lasting work can be done.

by

12/13/14

I’m not into numerology by any means but for some reason I like dates that consist of numbers that are chronological. I read somewhere today that this date (12/13/14) was the last time in a while that we will have dates that are sequential. Days like this remind me of the Y2K crisis. It’s hard to believe that the year 2000 was over a decade ago. People were stockpiling anything they could get their hands on. It was predicted that everything would shut down and there was a sense of panic in many hearts because so many systems were computerized. We had never before seen the start of a new millennium so nobody was quite sure what to expect. This was also still in the days of dial up internet. It’s funny how time comes and goes whether or not you’re doing something. So many times we plan out the future but don’t put the timeline on our goals. I personally know people who admit to have wasted decades of their lives working a job they didn’t like. I’ve also met people who have been planning to leave their city and travel for years but life keeps happening and they don’t get a chance to because they never made it a high priority.  We can’t be so busy living that we forget to make a life for ourselves. That’s why it’s so important to not get so caught up in the mundane. Time is passing whether we do something with our lives or not and chances are that we’ll be happier if we decide not to be ordinary.

by

Compare and Contrast

I have a theory that the majority of single women in the world today know someone who they consider to be un-marry-able (yes, I made that up). Whether it is their looks, personality, or a combination of both, we know in our heart of hearts that it will take a lot for them to get married. I know of women who have vowed that if their never getting married person actually DOES get married they will just give up on life. They’ll wear sweatpants everywhere, won’t bother with makeup, and will die brittle and bitter about it. What’s interesting to me is how we are so quick to talk about how people are unique and have specific characteristics and gifts that aren’t replicated in others, yet we are just as quick to compare our lives others. If each person is unique with different sets of strengths and weaknesses, why do we compare our lives with theirs. On another note, why is it that the way a lot of people feel good about themselves is by comparing themselves to others who may not be at the same point in their life? It’s apples to oranges. If you are so worried about where you are in your life do something about it. Don’t compare yourself to someone who isn’t doing as well as you are and then use it as an excuse to once again be lulled into the gentle waves of mediocrity. There will always be people who have accomplishments. Our mistake is when we let their accomplishments inform our every move and our personal goals. Comparison is the enemy of progress.

by

Balance

That moment when you want to write something profound and prolific and the brightness of your screen and the text box of blankness waiting to be filled just seems to mock your efforts of gathering your thoughts together in a coherent way. That’s how I feel. This past week has been particularly busy as I’ve started school again (oh joy) and started the transitional process on the career front. One thing that has grown during this school experience has been the respect that I have for people with spouses and/or families who are being persistent and completing their degree. Something that is talked about in the social services world is the importance of balance and self care. I’ve gotten the opportunity to talk and dialogue with people who have been therapists and social workers for years and in answer to the question of how they find balance and take care of themselves, they have said that they’re still figuring it out. I think that this is because there’s no one formula. I went to a training this week about working with individuals who have experienced trauma. The main thoughts behind this specific modality was that stress is stored in the body and it need to be expressed in some form in order to reduce symptoms of depression and/or anxiety. The interesting thing about it was that the presenter asserted that one of the reasons why stress is not expressed and stays in our bodies is because we decide to ignore it. We distract ourselves with food, exercise, books, activities, etc that mask our true need of confronting the traumas and experiences that are the sources of our stress. In the therapy world these things are known as coping skills. That being said, I think that a lot of people (including myself at times) have gotten use to artfully dodging their own issues and have instead channeled all that energy to another activity instead of confronting their own past hurts. It’s a hard place to be in and nobody wants to get uncomfortable even if it’s just to heal from past hurts. Uncomfortableness is hard.

by

5 Things I Wish More People Knew About Mental Health

1. Every person who has mood swings or depression is not automatically “bipolar” and “schizophrenic.” These are terms that most people throw around without any idea what it truly entails. They’re usually wrong.

2. Telling someone who is severely depressed that they should snap out of it, pray more, or engage in some other activity that does not involve being evaluated by some type of professional is stupid. You may mean well but that doesn’t excuse giving horrible advice on something you aren’t qualified on. Mental illness isn’t the same for everyone.

3. Ignoring your kid’s obvious problems won’t make them go away. Playing ostrich in the sand as a parent doesn’t benefit anyone and 9 times out of 10, the problem(s) will get worse. Avoidance may work for you but sometimes you just have to man/woman up and face issues for the sake of your kid and their future.

4. There’s still a stigma surrounding getting help for mental health challenges but the truth is that we live in a different world than we did 100 years ago with different stressors. Being self-aware of your emotions and your own issues will go a long way in being a well-adjusted adult. There’s no shame in knowing that you need help and going through the necessary channels to get it.

5. Medications can work wonders. Some people genuinely need to be on medication for the rest of their lives in order to have a better quality of life. So stop telling people not to take their meds because you aren’t them and you don’t know how that could impact their day to day functioning.

by

Doing it for you

I’ve had awesome opportunities to travel this year. I’ve posted on quite a few of them. I’m in the process of finalizing the plans for the last few trips of the year. This year has been full of changes and I can honestly say that I feel like a different person from the one I was in January. It’s funny how a change of perspective can also change your actions. While I’ve always made decisions based on my career goals and professional opportunities, it’s time to make some for more personal reasons. Like something as trivial as happiness or a comforting illusion like security or stability. The truth of the matter is that we won’t live forever and we aren’t allowed do-overs in life. That being said, I think life is too short to spend substantial amounts in places you don’t like for the purpose of professional goals. We are all familiar in some way with sacrifices needed in order to get where we want to get in life. But it quickly becomes pointless when sanity is sacrificed and self care is abandoned. So there is a choice that has to be made. The choice to do something for you instead of for your goals. It’s time.

by

Protected heart

It’s interesting how many things we do in life to prepare for the unexpected. We buy house insurance, car insurance, wear our seat belts, and sign pre-nups “just in case.” The interesting thing is that this can also happen with our hearts. Sometimes we give ourselves the task of protecting our own hearts from getting broken because we want to avoid pain. It’s like we wrap our hearts in the bubble wrap of our lack of trust and suspicions along with a good measure of IDGAF before presenting it to someone who could possibly break it. The whole idea is that in the event of the relationship going south, we have an insulation and protective system in place to minimize the damage. All this can be a good thing but we miss out on the chance at real love because we’re too busy planning for “what if.” What if we could be a bit more picky about who our heart goes to instead of just giving it to anyone. Maybe then we’d be less likely to be so protective and potentially miss out on something good.

by

Instinct

Back in May of this year I took a weekend trip to Dallas and was introduced to this book by some friends. I’ve always been wary of self help books, but this one was different. Lately I’ve been running into a lot of people who just seem stuck. They work, go home and repeat for years without really doing anything different. They always talk about places they want to travel to but they know they’ll never go. Their lives consist of the mundane without any plans to change their routine. I am deathly afraid of becoming one of those people. This book was honestly one of the top three books I read this year. It focuses specifically on becoming the best you that you can be by making use of your unique talents and gifts. Jakes uses great examples and simple language to encourage the reader to take inventory of his or her passions and then use them to make a difference in the world. The biggest challenge in doing this is that it requires you to get out of your comfort zone and leave the familiar. You’re exchanging security for freedom. But the end result to doing this is fulfillment and the opportunity to actually leave a legacy that you’re proud of.

IMG_2248.PNG

by

Appropriate Parent

I am someone who rarely goes to movies but I just saw the Equalizer and thought about how hard it is to see anything without thinking of the mental health repercussions. Granted, it was a good movie for being a thriller and the story line was a bit unsurprising but I did enjoy it. Without going into details about the movie I will say that Denzel Washington is an amazing actor that does not look like he is almost 60. The movie was rated “R” for a variety of reasons that included profanity and violence. Not my cup of tea. One of the surprising things was the amount of parents that took their small kids to see the movie. I will never understand how it’s justified to bring a small child to a movie with violence and adult themes. This perspective comes directly from working with kids who have acting out behaviors. Many times these kids have not had supervision or they’ve been exposed to things that have not been age appropriate. As much as I believe In the importance of age appropriate material for kids, it’s obvious that others don’t share that perspective. I just wish that some parents had the maturity and presence of mind to realize that their choices on what’s appropriate for their children can lead to a lot of heartbreak in life if they decide to imitate what they’ve seen.