I consider myself an undercover touchy feely person. I say undercover because in no way, shape, or form does it appear that way to many people that know me. I’m the person who would much rather sit by myself than be commanded to “turn to my neighbor” or “give my neighbor a hug.” Quite frankly, I find it awkward and extremely annoying. This often happens in church-like settings where apparently the leader of some sort is trying to break the ice and apparently build lifelong bonds between people in the audience. Call me mean, but that’s not my intention. I don’t mind meeting new people and I have a nosy personality that seeks to find out what makes someone tick. I like to hear life stories and get advice and direction from people with a different perspective. However, I’m not down (and may not ever be) with hugging perfect strangers and telling them that I love them because I was told to do so. I remember reading somewhere that giving or receiving hugs can help the body and improve mental health. While I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with this, in my case hugs with perfect strangers do not count towards my “daily hug quota.” I don’t usually even know the person’s name. But refusing a hug creates one of the most awkward moments–especially if you don’t know the person. I honestly think that a hug in this type of situation is a type of meaningless affection. It means nothing. Conveys nothing. Accomplishes nothing. Now I know that other people would disagree with me and I’m sure that there are plenty of people who hug perfect strangers because there is a legitimate purpose. But in this situation, hugging someone because you were told to do so does not count as a legitimate reason with an actual purpose. Humans can be so trained to do whatever someone tells them to do because they have some sort of title. Makes no sense to me. Will I ever sit next to someone and inform them that I don’t do hugs from strangers? Probably not. But will I continue to cringe in my head whenever I hear a “turn to your neighbor?” Yup. What can I say? I just feel more comfortable hugging people I actually know.
Tag Archives: thoughts
Situationships
I’ve encountered a lot of people recently who have gotten into situationships instead of relationships. A situationship occurs when you get into a psudo-relationship with someone else because you’re going through a hard time in your life or you’re facing a lot of situational stress. The bottom line is that you aren’t thinking clearly. Many people in these situations are emotionally vulnerable and they easily settle for someone who appears good for them because they are tired of being alone. However, when they discover that they’ve made the wrong choice, they still don’t do anything differently. I personally think that some of the most dysfunctional relationships are born out of desperation. People want the ideal relationship but never actually take the time to think through their actions. We are friends with people we don’t like. We marry people we don’t like. We even have children with people we don’t like. This does nothing but add to the confusion and chaos in our lives. We (including myself) have to come to a point where we stop doing permanent things with temporary people and expecting everything to work out. It’s important to realize that it is so much easier to slip into a situationship than it is to take the time to grow and build a genuine relationship. Remember that situationships are just that. Situational. They have a very low likelihood of ever succeeding because you’ll realize that you don’t need or even want a situationship any more after the situation has passed. They’re a temporary fix to a long term problem. Stop settling for people you never even wanted in the first place. You’ll never get back the time you wasted.
My Story of Overestimation
Growing up, I always felt that people were overestimating me. I honestly think that as long as homeschooling has been popular, there has been the opinion or perspective that homeschoolers are smarter than their traditionally educated counterparts. Now, whether or not this is true, I don’t know. And I don’t care. When I was little, people would immediately gush over me and my siblings and talk about how smart we must be because we were homeschooled. I grew up knowing that people expected me to succeed in life and become something because I was homeschooled. I didn’t particularly care for it because I found it annoying. Was I smart because I was homeschooled or was I homeschooled because I was smart? For the most part, I did get a chance to live up to the “smart” expectations–at least by society’s measurements. I was a senior in high school at age 15 and had the luxury of finishing high school a month after my 17th birthday and taking a year off to chill out before I went to college. In more recent years, I’ve gotten the chance to separate myself from the “kid genius” expectations and quietly do what I need to do. In fact, the tables have turned to the point where I’m often underestimated. It’s mildly annoying to have people around me assume that I’m still in college or that I don’t have anything going for me. Yet, I’d rather be underestimated than over estimated. Being underestimated can put you in a spot where you are your biggest competition. You have less time to invest in pleasing others or meeting their standards because they don’t expect you to do anything worthwhile. I’m not talking about constantly downplaying your accomplishments, but also not going out your way to be flashy and dramatic about all your future plans. If I ever become “big” or super successful I want it to be unexpected. Being successful doesn’t have to be advertised, it can be discreet. Underestimation isn’t a bad thing–it can even work for you.
Complementarity
This picture really made me think. So many times I’ve heard people say that we get what we deserve. They use this perspective to justify the reason why people can be in numerous toxic relationships. Along with this mindset comes the assumption that if you work on yourself and become better, than you’ll immediately attract a better caliber of people. But the honest truth is I think a lot of people want to feel that their significant other is an upgrade from themselves. I don’t know if people can be literally perfect for each other but I think that they can strongly complement each other. Think about it. Wouldn’t you work harder and do more to keep something you felt you didn’t deserve as opposed to something on your level?
The Himaholic Chronicles
Kelly Price put out a song by this particular name and in this song she describes being in a relationship with a man who is addictive. She knows that he’s toxic but she goes through withdrawals when she isn’t around him. I know a LOT of people in a similar situation. They are a self-proclaimed “himaholic” or a “heraholic.” (Definitely just made up a word). But honestly, some people are just addictive–whether it’s in a good way or a bad way. It’s like you get so invested in them that you can’t get yourself back and it gets really hard to separate the two. If there was ever a Himaholics Anonymous it would be full of the stories of woe from women who got caught in vicious cycles of believing that they would change someone and then realizing that they could not but still returning to him because he was addictive. I remember someone once telling me that every human being is attracted to dysfunction on some level. While I won’t debate the truth of this statement, I can honestly say that I’ve seen a lot of examples. Himaholics and heraholics do exist. They are our friends, family, and sometimes even ourselves. There is not a tried and true proven way to get out of a relationship that isn’t good for you. Sometimes you just have to go cold turkey and tough it out until the addictive cycle is over. Not necessarily the most comfortable choice, but definitely a good decision in the long run.
The other side of lonely
Loneliness has been a companion for me during the past few years. Partly due to my personality and partly due to circumstances. It’s commonly thought one’s loneliest times occur in sadness and hardship. When you’re going though a lot and there’s not an encouraging word or a should to vent and cry on. As someone who has experienced this, I can attest to this feeling and it is indeed pretty darn lonely. However, there’s a different kind of loneliness that I experience from time to time. It’s not as easy to explain because the circumstances are different and it hurts differently. This loneliness occurs whenever I accomplish something or reach a milestone in my life. I actually had the distinct pleasure of experiencing it this past week. This particular type of loneliness stems not from sadness but from happiness. I’m 23 and I’ve been super super blessed/lucky/fortunate to be able to accomplish many of my professional goals. Bachelor’s,Master’s, Post-graduate, etc. But with each of these accomplishments I feel the absence of a significant other pretty acutely. A person who has seen all my hard work and can be happy for me with the informed perspective of someone who has witnessed the challenges I’ve faced on the way to get where I wanted. And while it genuinely sucks to feel the absence of something like that so acutely, I’ve almost gotten used to it. I say “almost” because its not something I’ll ever be ok with but it’s my life. While I do stay in my feelings at times, I also know how to self-regulate and pull myself out. A skill that’s probably due to countless hours of CBT class. I say all that to say that sometimes it’s harder being happier alone than it is being sad. At least in my experience.
Your better half
I think that many times we settle for the company of people who aren’t good for us because we don’t want to be alone. Humans are social creatures and we get used to having other people around us. Singles are told that they are just half a person walking around until they find their “better half.” But what happens when you are the “better half” of a friendship or a relationship? What happens when you wake up one morning and discover that you’ve sold yourself short in the friendship/relationship? Do you decide to put some distance between you and the other person? Or do you decide to push through and continue on? Many times people don’t give up relationships or friendships because they’ve grown accustomed to the dysfunction that they bring to their lives. We all have a little crazy in us right? But the point is that at the end of the day, you don’t want to be weighed down by people who are only in your life because you’re lonely. Sometimes being alone isn’t a bad thing if it’s for a reason. The quality over quantity perspective should always apply to friendships and relationships. After all, it’s better to have a few real friends than thousands of fake ones.
Decisions, decisions
While I would never say this to someone outside of my immediate family or close friends circle, the fact still remains that we probably all know people who have made stupid decisions. Telling someone that they’re stupid doesn’t tend to envoke feelings of happiness and appreciation. However the fact still remains that everyone has a right to be stupid. Some people just choose to abuse that right. The truth of the matter is that people are going to make their own decisions at the end of the day. We all have made stupid decisions before; but calling someone stupid and acknowledging stupid are two different things. You can beg, plead, and even bargain, but your influence can only go to a certain point. It’s a bad decision to take responsibility for the actions of others. It’s pointless. We all have to face the consequences of our decisions and bailing someone out of their bad choices can rob them of a valuable lesson. Some people have to learn by experience.
Watch what you say
I’m on the other side of having my third
18 plus hour day and I’m exhausted. One thing I was reminded of today was the fact that our words are powerful. Many times we say things without thinking it through and contemplating the effect that these words have on ourselves and others. While I don’t consider myself a pessimist, I do consider myself as a realist. I like concrete direction and logic instead of abstract ideas. I heard today that when you hear something your mind automatically goes to the negative and it stays there for at least 20 seconds until you either confront it with a good thought or allow yourself to dwell on the negativity. The funny thing was that at the very moment I caught myself in a negative cycle. I thought about turning it into a positive thought but remembered that that in this particular situation, the negative thought was much more realistic and logical than actually replacing it with a positive. I say all this to say that it’s a good thing–at least most of the time to be positive. But it’s also important to not let your positivity lose sight of reality in the present. Words have power and you can have good results by speaking positive things and also thinking optimistically. The ultimate choice is up to you.
Marriage Maturity
One thing that has really stuck out to me this week is the fact that having a good marriage requires a certain amount of maturity. It’s easy to stay when everything is going well but it’s harder to stay when the inevitable bumps in the road come. I’ve also met a lot of people recently who have been with someone for a long period of time but do not want to make the commitment of marriage. But once you’re married and the thrill is gone, it’s easy to go. Real life hits and suddenly the other person is no longer a priority. This is really when the rubber hits the road. Leaving because of something insignificant is a sign of immaturity in my opinion. Love can be a feeling but I think that in a marriage, love has to be an actual CHOICE. Feelings and emotions come and go but commitment is long term.
Alisha's Angle 