Tag Archives: People

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Something to think about….

So I saw this picture and it immediately grabbed my attention. I thought about how many times I had gone out of my way for people who may have been “wrong.” I know of many people who have regretted things they did for people who ended up betraying them in the end. While I firmly believe that there are a lot of people out there who should never ever be trusted, walking about super paranoid and guarded may not be the best plan of action either. Many times we are taught from childhood to put others before ourselves and to share and not be selfish. However, we aren’t taught that discernment and caution should sometimes accompany unselfishness and sharing. Doing the right things for the wrong people can make you miss out on all the right people around you. And honestly, you might actually end up regretting it.

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Closed and Locked

I think that we all meet people at certain points in our lives who we want to get to know better. The best friendships and relationships are built on common interests. There are some friendships that fall together and others that take time and patience. However, it’s pretty near impossible to get to know someone who does not want to be known. You can beg, prod, plead, scheme, and ask, but a locked door is still a locked door. Some people need time in order to open up for a variety of reasons. However, it’s important to remember that many times these reasons are really good ones. Being vulnerable can be really uncomfortable and hard. I don’t think that it’s something that we should expect overnight. It takes time to build a relationship to the point where both people feel comfortable being themselves 100% of the time. And to be honest, I think that relationships like this are becoming more rare. As someone who is very picky about who my close friends are, I’m much more understanding of people who are totally closed off. It may be that they just want someone to take the time to get to know them instead of letting someone get close to them from day one. Trust takes time. We rarely meet people who we trust 100% after just meeting them. Get to know people as much as they want to be known and let them know that you would like to know them better. But also respect their wishes and don’t push them to open up. They will if they feel comfortable. Point blank.

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Exclusivity…

Recently I was talking to a friend of mine who has a fairly successful consulting business and we were discussing marketing strategies. I asked him about doing more mainstream advertising in order to gain more visibility in the local area—an idea that he quickly shut down. I asked him his reason and he told me that he wanted to be able to control who he works with. Hence, he wanted to be able to be picky with the clients he chooses to help. And then, in typical friend fashion, he proceeded to tell me about how I was exclusive as well. I think that part of human nature is to surround ourselves with people who share common interests with us. We belong to groups of people who look the same way as us, do the same things as us, and think the same way that we do. Doing this isolates us with our own kind and tends to make us exclusive in our little groups. You can’t really get more exclusive than growing up homeschooled. Your peers are your siblings and the only clique that exists is the one that you make. My entire high school experience consisted of doing homework on my bed with my dog beside me. To top it off, after high school I went to a small private school for college which was a small subculture in itself. The majority of the students, faculty, and administrators adhered (or at least claimed) to a certain set of beliefs that were very unique and also very distinguishable when compared to the mainstream typical college culture. The uniqueness of this environment lent itself to an attitude of exclusiveness because of the beliefs and practices that set the whole school apart from thousands of others. We have tons of inside jokes that would make absolutely no sense to anyone who has not been exposed to the school, its beliefs, or the accompanying subculture. All this being said, exclusiveness exists everywhere. Life consists of socialization and relationships with various people in groups. Point blank. But it’s also important to take time out to get out of our own little bubble and meet people who aren’t like us. Instead of hanging with people who we identify with, we need to take the time to talk to people who we want to identify with one day. A wise person once said to hang with people who have your solution and not your problems. Being exclusive may work for a while and it may even be to your benefit at times, but at the end of the day you separate yourself from people and experiences that could be opportunities to grow.

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Minding your Business

Minding your Business

This picture caught my eye because it’s definitely something that I’ve been learning to do. Growing up my mom used to always tell me that if you help someone without their permission they’ll turn around and persecute you. As an adult, I’ve experienced this firsthand. I’ve always been someone who has been willing to go above and beyond the call of duty in order to help someone. Recently I’ve learned the importance of being cautious as help people. One of the things that my therapist education has taught me is to rarely if ever give advice. Four words I will probably never use, or very rarely use “In my professional opinion.” The reason for this is because people will rarely tell you the full story. They’ll tell you a side that makes them look like the person that is being wronged when in reality, either they’re the culprit or they share the blame. I’ve learned that most people don’t want help. They just say that they do. Saying that you want to change and actually CHANGING are totally different things entirely. Good intentions don’t equal good actions. One of the problems with giving advice is that you rarely ever know the full story. If the person follows your advice and it turns out to be wrong, 9 times out of 10 they’ll blame you. I’ve gotten out of the “I’m a therapist so tell me all your problems” syndrome. I don’t counsel family or friends and I don’t say what I think unless it’s asked. And even then, I do it pretty sparingly. Most people don’t want counsel. They just want a listening an empathetic ear. I find it much easier to just let people know that I’m here if they need me and just leave it there.

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Letting People In

Letting People In

I totally agree with this picture. While I don’t think that you have to be standoffish and mean, I think that less is more when it comes to letting people get super close to you. I know that everyone is human and we all make mistakes and that we can’t expect perfection from our friends but it’s still ok to be cautious before spilling your guts to someone you call a friend but have only known a short time. Someone once said that you should never trust anyone who only has new friends because that’s an indication of the quality of their prior relationships and friendships. Sometimes doing more groundwork on the front end of a friendship or a relationship can save you a lot of heartache and hurt down the road. One thing that I’ve noticed is that I’m somewhat of an extremist when it comes to putting the words in this picture into practice. For instance, every person in my life that I consider close and feel that they know me well I’ve known for three years or more. This was not a conscious decision, it was just something that happened and can probably be blamed in some way on my upbringing. But I digress. My point is that it’s good to screen people and to let them prove that they can be trusted before you open the floodgates of your heart and let them 100% into your life.

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Disposable People

Some people are disposable. And I don’t mean that in the literal way. So many times we mistake people who are our fans for friends. A fan is someone who hangs around you because they like what you’re doing. They don’t want get to know the real you and they function in the capacity of a seat filler in your life. If your life was a movie, they’d be an extra on the set. Fans like what you do but not necessarily who you are. They’ll smile in your face but if you actually ever needed them in the capacity of a genuine friend, they wouldn’t be there. Fans talk the most but rarely take the time to quietly listen. Fans are disposable. They’ll cycle in and out your life without warning. You can gain and lose fans at the drop of a hat but friends will stick with you. That’s why you don’t want to make a friend out of a fan. Fans won’t be around when you hit rock bottom because they never cared about you in the first place. They just thought it was cool to hang around you and be nosy. Bottom line. Fans are disposable, friends aren’t.