In the past few weeks, I’ve had conversations with women in which they talk about a man’s good traits and bad traits but then say that something that he does or believes in is an automatic deal breaker for them and thus, he is no longer under consideration for anything other than a distant friend. I believe in standards. I have them and for the most part, I stick to them. But the common theme that has been the deal breaker in conversations with numerous women is that the man does not have a college degree or above. The reasons given for this blatant disregard for anyone who doesn’t meet this standard is that there will be nothing to talk about if the man isn’t educated. In today’s society, so much weight is placed on where you went to school, what your grades were, what your degree was in, if you finished college. This has happened to the extent that there are people who honestly think that going to college is an indication of intelligence. Maybe it’s the homeschooler in me, but I honestly think that having an education is not an indication of intelligence at all. At all. These days you don’t even have to be smart to make good grades. I’m definitely a witness to that. You just have to know the system and how to find the right resources to get the information that you need. While I don’t necessarily consider myself “educated,” I probably somewhat fit the criteria for that particular term. I can honestly say that the many of the smartest and most intelligent people I know do not have college degrees. People who think outside the box tend to make more money and are more successful than those who don’t. Education is a box. My point in saying all this is that you miss out on a lot when you immediately disregard someone because they don’t meet a particular educational requirement. College is honestly not for everyone and there are plenty of people who have made millions without stepping foot inside a college classroom. It’s about the desire to learn and the ability to find the resources you need to get where you want to go. These days, almost everything you would get in a college classroom is accessible on some level through the internet at a much lower price. There are so many better things you can use to screen potential significant others but I don’t think that highest education level should be one of them.
Tag Archives: men
Minding your Business
This picture caught my eye because it’s definitely something that I’ve been learning to do. Growing up my mom used to always tell me that if you help someone without their permission they’ll turn around and persecute you. As an adult, I’ve experienced this firsthand. I’ve always been someone who has been willing to go above and beyond the call of duty in order to help someone. Recently I’ve learned the importance of being cautious as help people. One of the things that my therapist education has taught me is to rarely if ever give advice. Four words I will probably never use, or very rarely use “In my professional opinion.” The reason for this is because people will rarely tell you the full story. They’ll tell you a side that makes them look like the person that is being wronged when in reality, either they’re the culprit or they share the blame. I’ve learned that most people don’t want help. They just say that they do. Saying that you want to change and actually CHANGING are totally different things entirely. Good intentions don’t equal good actions. One of the problems with giving advice is that you rarely ever know the full story. If the person follows your advice and it turns out to be wrong, 9 times out of 10 they’ll blame you. I’ve gotten out of the “I’m a therapist so tell me all your problems” syndrome. I don’t counsel family or friends and I don’t say what I think unless it’s asked. And even then, I do it pretty sparingly. Most people don’t want counsel. They just want a listening an empathetic ear. I find it much easier to just let people know that I’m here if they need me and just leave it there.
Attitude Excuses
I thought that this picture was somewhat thought provoking because it implies a lot. However, I think that there’s definitely a difference between being strong and having an attitude. Just because you’re confident and can do things by yourself doesn’t mean that you have an attitude. I know women who honestly have a nasty attitude and say that they are merely “strong willed.” Not true. This picture implies that one of the characteristics of a weak man is that he mistakes being a strong person with having an attitude. While this may be true, it’s important to remember that having a perpetual attitude is never cute or attractive. It’s just annoying and draining to the people around you. Whenever I see that I’m reminded of the real-ness of personality disorders. But I digress. My point is that being strong and having an attitude are truly two separate things that should not be confused.
Looking hard enough
One thing that I hear from time to time is that good men don’t exist anymore. Hearing this assertion both irritates and annoys me because it’s usually said by someone who is bitter and still scarred from a previous experience. And while I get that this opinion usually comes from some sort of frustration, I don’t think that it makes a lot of sense. Logically, if you say that there are no good men left, you have to actually know what a good man IS. This definition of a good man should not be generated from a romance novel or some tear-jerking chick flick movie because it’s unrealistic. I think that a lot of women are caught up in this Hollywood/romantic novel ideal of a knight in shining armor that has no flaws, a six pack, and a very comfortable six figure job. I’ve never had any problem locating decent guys and that’s actually an accomplishment considering the fact that I live in the middle of NOWHERE. They are rare, but they exist. You just have to know where to look and also WHAT you’re looking for. But you have to keep in mind that a lot of times a good man may not always be the best looking, most outgoing, or the most attractive. However, that doesn’t negate the fact that he actually exists. It just may not be in the packaging that you want.
Letting People In
I totally agree with this picture. While I don’t think that you have to be standoffish and mean, I think that less is more when it comes to letting people get super close to you. I know that everyone is human and we all make mistakes and that we can’t expect perfection from our friends but it’s still ok to be cautious before spilling your guts to someone you call a friend but have only known a short time. Someone once said that you should never trust anyone who only has new friends because that’s an indication of the quality of their prior relationships and friendships. Sometimes doing more groundwork on the front end of a friendship or a relationship can save you a lot of heartache and hurt down the road. One thing that I’ve noticed is that I’m somewhat of an extremist when it comes to putting the words in this picture into practice. For instance, every person in my life that I consider close and feel that they know me well I’ve known for three years or more. This was not a conscious decision, it was just something that happened and can probably be blamed in some way on my upbringing. But I digress. My point is that it’s good to screen people and to let them prove that they can be trusted before you open the floodgates of your heart and let them 100% into your life.
The less you care
When I saw this picture I automatically thought of being a slave to the opinions of other people. I can think of countless people who have made bad decisions that weren’t right for them because they were worried about what others might think. Growing up, I wanted to be a doctor. I was never grossed out by blood and guts and I wanted to make a tangible difference in the lives of others. However, after a very rude awakening in my very first college level biology class, I decided that I was better suited for the social sciences. But I digress. My point is that it’s stupid to let what other people think of you dictate major life decisions. At the end of the day you can’t escape from you. The most successful people in life are those who don’t care what other people think. They take the road less traveled and they make no apologies for it. I heard someone say that in order to get what others won’t get, you have to do what others won’t do. And in order to do what you need to do, you have to realize that your actions won’t always make sense to other people. At the end of the day people will think and believe what they want to. Let them.
It’s not all right, but it’s ok
Many of us are waiting with baited breath for the day that our lives will be perfect. We eagerly anticipate an existence where no one annoys us and everything goes according to plan. Sometimes this thought is the only motivation we have. Trouble won’t last always is a philosophy we’ve eagerly adopted a means of coping with our current situation. One of the things I’ve noticed is that there’s so much emphasis on being positive that sometimes it’s hard to be realistic. Good days and bad days happen to everyone. Growth is always uncomfortable and adversity builds strength. When someone first starts to work out with weights, they usually start with smaller weights and eventually work their way up to larger ones. Life isn’t like that. It involves ups and downs without a set routine. As I’m doing some self reflection, I’m realizing that I need to be ok with where I am in life because its a part of something bigger. I can’t expect everything to go my way all the time. Sometimes I’m just going to have to roll with the punches and take it because I know that it’s making me a stronger person regardless of how I feel. After all, it’s not all right, but it’s ok.
Your better half
I think that many times we settle for the company of people who aren’t good for us because we don’t want to be alone. Humans are social creatures and we get used to having other people around us. Singles are told that they are just half a person walking around until they find their “better half.” But what happens when you are the “better half” of a friendship or a relationship? What happens when you wake up one morning and discover that you’ve sold yourself short in the friendship/relationship? Do you decide to put some distance between you and the other person? Or do you decide to push through and continue on? Many times people don’t give up relationships or friendships because they’ve grown accustomed to the dysfunction that they bring to their lives. We all have a little crazy in us right? But the point is that at the end of the day, you don’t want to be weighed down by people who are only in your life because you’re lonely. Sometimes being alone isn’t a bad thing if it’s for a reason. The quality over quantity perspective should always apply to friendships and relationships. After all, it’s better to have a few real friends than thousands of fake ones.
Oh! The Irony!
Lately I’ve had some of THE absolute most ironic moments of my adult life. They come when I least expect it and I’m usually super surprised and taken aback. One of the reasons why I love ironic moments because it’s an opportunity to laugh instead of get upset at something that is out of my control. Being a control freak, it’s very hard for me to accept that occasionally things happen that I have not planned and that I do not have control over. Irony also gives me the opportunity to re-evaluate my thoughts toward the specific event or situation. It challenges my thought patterns and reminds me that sometimes I take myself way too seriously. I’ve found that it’s a lot easier to laugh at something than to cry tears of disappointment because once again, something did not go my way. What are the odds of me writing the vaguest comment directed toward a certain situation on a social media site and the person in the situation I’m commenting on actually responds– not knowing that the status was actually indirectly related to them. But the truth of the matter is that I can’t stop ironic situations from occurring. I can only make the decision to laugh about it. Life’s too short to be perpetually sad and upset.
Birds of a Feather
Something that’s been in the forefront of my mind for the past few days is the importance of good friends. No one is an island despite their best efforts to be one. At some point in your life, you either needed someone for something (childhood) or you’ll need someone in the future. Guaranteed. There’s a saying that basically says that you can know about someone’s character by looking at their friends. I think that a lot of pseudo-friendships are formed out of a sense of pity for the other person. Many times we’ll go out of our way and be inconvenienced for the other person not because they’re our friend, but because we feel sorry for them. These sympathy-friendships don’t really benefit anyone at the end of the day. That’s why I think it is so crucial to be able to differentiate between friends and associates. So many people mess themselves up because they expect friend-level actions and commitment from an associate. Give someone a chance to prove themselves before they become your new “bestie.” I think that one should have a lot of associates but a few friends. Quality always is better than quantity because good friendships rarely happen overnight. A lot of times we hold on to friendships that should have ended years before because we don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. However, in the end, we’re the ones that suffer. Messed up people, mess up people. Take some time to evaluate the people that you call friends in your life. Maybe some people need to be down-graded to associates.
Alisha's Angle 